The best of the week june 23 – 26 – The Howard Stern Show
The best of the week june 23 – 26 – The Howard Stern Show
Friday, June 27, 2008The Best of the Week June 23 – 26 The Howard Stern Show for June 27, 2008MON – WIN A DATE WITH CINDY MARGOLISCINDY MARGOLIS WANTS TO TEACH YOU
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Cindy Margolis stopped by to promote the July issue of Playboy and stunned the crew with her outfit. Howard was charmed: “Jesus Christ you look good. I’d take a date with you.” Cindy laughed that she’d really brought “the girls”
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out today, and Howard thanked her. Cindy then confessed she was on a streak: after recently breaking up with her husband of ten years, she was now trying to live the reckless twenties she missed while married.
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Cindy told the crew about her favored mouth-and-two-finger oral sex technique (to be use on a woman), but Howard didn’t think he was coordinated enough to pull it off. Cindy replied that she actually preferred to teach men – and even women – the technique. Cindy laughed that she recently ended up in a threesome during one of these “teaching” sessions. Howard then brought in the three contestants who’d won the chance to compete for a date with Cindy.
DOUBLE A WILL WASH THAT STINKY THING
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Howard introduced the first contestant, Ralph, who described his ideal date as dinner and a helicopter ride. Howard asked Ralph what he would do if he went down on Cindy only to find she was really stinky, and Ralph replied that
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he’d try to convince her to join him in the shower first. The next contestant, Ryan, said, “I’d just stay down there all day until the smell is gone.” The third contestant, Double A, said he’d tell her to “wash that stinky thing, bro.”
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Ralph told Cindy she should date him because he’s an honest, caring person with a good job and no STDs. Ryan countered that he was a great guy with a great head on his shoulders who looked like “a young Jim Florentine.” Howard then
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turned to Double A, who had a lot to say: “They call me Double A. My name stands for Awesome Angelo. You come out with me tonight, I’ll show you what that means…If she’s as sexual as she claims she is, I’ll have her in bed by noon today.”
A MATCH MADE IN A.C.
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Cindy asked the guys if they were romantic, so each took his turn: Ralph simply said he thought chivalry should be kept alive, and Ryan thought dinner and dancing would be romantic enough. Double A said “let’s leave here and go hit
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up AC and go out dancing…have a few drinks and go back to our room and, you know, chill.” Cindy asked Double A, “What did you say, A.C.?” Double A explained that yes, he did: “Atlantic City.” Cindy was unimpressed: “I was just there yesterday.”
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Howard then had the guys make their final arguments/pleas. Ralph said he had a successful career in the “financial sector,” Ryan promised to use his skills as a Web consultant to help Cindy with her Web traffic, but Double A trumped them all by throwing down a huge wad of cash on the floor. Gary picked up Double A’s wad and counted it out: “There are a few ones and tens, but it’s mostly hundreds.”
A SPLIT DECISION
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Cindy then chose Ralph, but the other contestants objected, citing an interview that Ralph had given the HowardTV cameras before the segment. HowardTV then played the interview on the in-studio monitors, and true enough, Ralph said he could care less about dating Cindy – he was just here to meet Howard. After some further deliberation, Cindy finally settled: “Hands down, number 2.” Cindy promised to give Ryan a good time: “Look how cute he is…He’s going to be talking about me for years…We make a good couple.”
WED – ARTIE’S SICK DAY AND RONNIE DYES HIS GOATEE ARTIE’S AC-INDUCED SICK DAY
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Howard started off the show noting that Artie wouldn’t be in today. Gary came in to say that Artie called him at 5:15 and claimed to be having voice troubles due to his window-mounted AC unit (King of All Blacks would later call in to question why a man of Artie’s obvious wealth didn’t have central air). Howard countered that Artie’s health might be suffering for another reason, citing an email from a doctor who described the dangerous and debilitating consequences of long-term Subutex use. Howard then read an excerpt from the email, which detailed why Subutex should only be used in extreme cases of opiate addiction, and even then just for a short period.
A lot of the symptoms described in the email (sluggishness, exhaustion, excessive sweating, etc.) perfectly matched Artie’s behavior. Howard said he might’ve made a mistake yesterday by giving Artie a copy of the email, as it probably freaked him out. Gary agreed, saying it might’ve hit Artie hard enough to think he needed a break/rest. Howard countered that Artie was most likely just upset over losing his Lord of the Anal Rings title, the first assessment to get Fred’s seal of approval.
RONNIE’S VANITY STACHE
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A caller remarked that Ronnie was acting strangely on yesterday’s Wrap-Up Show. Howard agreed, noting that Ronnie first came to his attention with strange behavior, like sending Howard a “psycho” letter scrawled in crayon. Ronnie came in to say Howard remembered it all wrong, but before he could make a
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coherent argument, JD came in to make fun of the fact that Ronnie had dyed his mustache. Ronnie fessed up: “Yeah, it’s a little darker… [I used] that Just for Men bullshit. The Keith Hernandez stuff.”
MON – COMEDIAN RICHARD BELZERTHE BELZ VS THE HULKSTER, ROUND 2
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Long time friend of the show Richard Belzer stopped by to promote the new season of “Last Comic Standing” and Howard immediately asked what he thought of the controversy surrounding his old enemy Hulk Hogan. Richard first dismissed claims that he’d won $10 million in his lawsuit against
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Hogan after their confrontation on “The Tonight Show” – it was more like $400,000. Richard also said Nick Hogan’s recent troubles were unfortunate, but “for [the family] to demonize the victim like they have been is unconscionable.”
BELZER REMEMBERS CARLIN
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Howard asked Richard how he felt about George Carlin’s death, so Richard confessed that he was so upset by the news, he almost didn’t come in. Before things could get too dour, Richard joked: “We’re talking about George Kennedy, the actor?” Richard then cited George’s bit about the Ten Commandments as one of his favorites and thanked George for getting him his first booking on “The Tonight Show.”
Richard told the crew about his dog, which he keeps around (in part) to lower his blood pressure: “I talk with the dog…it sleeps with me…I love it.” Richard even lifted his shirt to show the crew his oddly-gangsta tattoos: “Jango and Bebe. Those are my two dogs.” Howard also asked Richard about his feud with Paul Reiser, so Richard explained that Paul offended him by appropriating Richard Lewis’ act.
WED & THURS –ERIC THE MIDGET BATTLES HIS NEMESIS, STEVE LANGFORDERIC THE MIDGET IS BITTER
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Eric the Midget called in to complain about not getting the chance to speak with Richard Belzer when he was on the other day, so Howard told him that Belzer would not care what a midget had to say. Howard also said Eric was better
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at endlessly promoting the programming on The JFSC than asking interesting questions. Eric actually seemed to take this criticism well. Later, Eric yelled at Steve Langford, proving that his new attitude was only temporary.
LANGFORD ANGERS THE MIDGET
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Steve Langford reported that after his story yesterday on Eric the Midget’s about-to-be-canceled promotional event, tickets miraculously started selling. Eric the Midget called in to say Steve wasn’t the reason for the ticket sales – his email-based promotional efforts were. Steve replied that the facts were clear: the tickets only sold after he reported on the event. Howard seemed to agree, laughing that Eric shouldn’t care why the tickets sold – he should be happy they sold at all.
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Eric insisted that the tickets “finally” sold because people had just got around to reading the emails he sent out weeks ago. Steve simply repeated the pre-report sales total: Zero point zero. Fred then began playing the “Zero point zero” clip from “Animal House,” which caused an enraged Eric to scream that he was going to break Fred’s fingers. Fred was amused: “Did he just threaten me?”
MON – THE ROAST BEEF CHALLENGEARTIE KNOWS HIS MEATS
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Howard welcomed David, a cold cut purveyor, to follow through with the wager he’d made on the show last week: David claimed Artie wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between roast beef from Subway and some from the Carnegie 
Deli. Will brought in the samples, and Artie didn’t even have to taste them: “I can tell just by looking at ‘em.” Artie correctly cited the fresher meat’s provenance (Carnegie Deli) and refused to even try the darker Subway meat.
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Ronnie the Limo Driver came in to say David was a giant pain in the ass: “This place is not a playground.” David shot back that he wanted to commemorate his appearance on the show with some pictures: “Can you call off the petcock?” Howard was amused by David’s schtick and told Ronnie to swallow his pride and give David the tour: “I like you. Ronnie’s worried about you but I’m not worried about you. Ronnie, let him go around and take pictures.”
TUES – ANAL RING TOSS WILL LISA G TOSS FOR AN INVITE? 
Howard asked Lisa G if she would play Lord of the Anal Rings against Artie. The prize? An invitation to the Stern-Ostrosky wedding. But if she lost, she’d have to open up about the last guy she slept with. Lisa insisted that she should be invited anyway as a reporter for the Howard100 News, but Howard shot back that, by decree, Howard100 News’ reporters were now banned from the event. Lisa was hesitant: “I just don’t feel that comfortable playing Anal Ring Toss…I think it would be fun, but I’ll take a pass.”
MEET A.J., MISS ANAL RINGS
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Howard welcomed A.J. Morgan, the Anal Ring Toss girl, to the studio and noted that she had been here before – with her old (real) boobs – to play Anal Ring Toss with the
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Iron Sheik. AJ told the crew that she’s come to love having sex with a butt plug inserted, but before she porn star Chester the Molester, she’d never even considered anal
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sex. Howard wondered how AJ avoided “accidents” while filming an anal scene, so she explained that she’ll go get a “professional anal douche,” an hour-long multi-
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douche process, also known as an enema. AJ further claimed she could lactate on demand, which Howard obviously wanted to see, so AJ promptly gave Sal’s coffee a couple squirts.
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Steve the Host of the Intern Show came in to play against Artie, so Howard gave him his terms: a win
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will get him a wedding invitation, but if he loses, he’ll have to take ten strong whiffs of Sal’s recently evacuated ass. Steve refused the terms, so Howard
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turned to to Will and Jason: both also declined to accept. Richard then came in and surprised no one by accepting the terms –
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but only if his girlfriend could come along as his date to the wedding. Howard agreed and told AJ to “prepare the playing field,” adding that AJ would announce each successful toss with a queef.
THE ONE TRUE LORD OF THE ANAL RINGS
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Artie made 3 out of 7 tosses, but Richard quickly trumped him, making his first four tosses in a row. Howard congratulated Richard on his win – and prize – but Richard promised to go through with his punishment anyway: “I know everyone’s disappointed.” Sal then bent over and Richard burrowed in with his nose and began sniffing. Richard began gagging and yelling, “Sal’s flexing that hemorrhoid. It’s the most vile thing I’ve ever seen.” AJ went in for a whiff as well, and when she got close, Sal tried to fart but went a little too far.
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THURS – WIN FRED’S MONEYWIN FRED’S MONEY
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A guy named Jon stopped by with his wife, Dani, to play “Win Fred’s Money. Artie was particularly
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attracted to Dani’s legs, but Jon thought differently: “You should see her ass. Honey, show ‘em your ass.” Howard commended Jon for his take charge attitude and
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asked Dani if she liked being bossed around. Dani said she would do whatever her husband asked – even anal…if she’s drunk enough. Dani also admitted that she was
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interested in girls (“I’m curious.”) and an amateur pole-dancer. Howard wanted to see Dani’s skills, so Fred played some music and she danced for a little bit.
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Howard then sent Fred into the isolation booth, had Dani step behind a curtain (where she disrobed) and asked Jon (and, afterward, Fred) today’s questions:
What 3′9” actor founded the Little People of America? Jon passed, but Fred knew it was Billy Barty.
What is the only US state to border Maine? Jon guessed Vermont, and Fred knew it was New Hampshire.
In archery, what is the name for the portable case that holds your arrows? Both contestants knew it was called a quiver.
What is the name of the short-stemmed, pear shaped goblet used to serve brandy? Both contestants knew it was called a snifter.
How long is a furlong? Jon passed, but Fred knew it was an eighth of a mile.
Which planet takes 12 months to around the sun? Both contestants knew it was Earth.
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In what sport do you compete for Dogget’s Coat and Badge? Jon guessed rugby, and Fred had no idea. The correct answer was rowing.
FRED WINS! FRED WINS!!
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Fred won with a score of 6 right in just 48 seconds, so Howard raised Dani’s curtain. Howard was very happy with the view: “Whoa! Honey, you look good!” Artie was
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similarly impressed, telling Jon, “You’re dumb as a rock but you got a hot wife!” Artie even wondered if Jon might be open to wife-sharing, and Jon explained
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that he might be: the couple have an agreement where anything is allowed so long as the other gives permission. Artie was suspicious: “I got a feeling she wouldn’t waste [the permission] on me.”
NEVER SAY NEVER
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After a little convincing, Dani hopped on the Sybian: “For you, Howard, I’ll do it…I’m a horseback
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rider so this actually feels a little natural.” Dani didn’t think she would be able to climax: “It feels really good, but I don’t know…” After Gary turned the Sybian
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up to 90%, Dani’s legs started to shake: “I don’t think it’s gonna go all the way…” Howard then shut
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up and let the Sybian do its thing. After a good two minutes of buzzing at 100%, Dani did what she didn’t think she could and demanded that Gary turn it off: “I’m all sweaty now. I can’t stand up. My legs are gone. It’s amazing. Can I have one?”
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Thursday, June 26, 2008THE SYBIAN ALWAYS WINS The Howard Stern Show for June 26, 2008ARTIE’S BACK…DANA’S NOT
Artie started off the show taking on everyone’s concerns about the reason behind his absence yesterday, even saying he’d submit to a drug test. Howard didn’t think that was necessary, but Robin sarcastically laughed that she totally believed Artie’s “attack AC unit” story. Artie said he’d managed to recover from his AC-induced illness with a some antibiotics but quickly shot it all to hell after a friend told him that Dana was
Artie said he was so upset by the news of Dana’s new man, he ended up yelling at the person who told him about it, finishing off a half-empty bottle of Jack and then putting a decent-sized dent in bottle of Johnny Walker Blue. Artie added that he was particularly distressed by his mental image of Dana’s new guy: “There’s just no way I’m a better catch…unless he’s an obese heroin addict.” Artie continued to beat himself up and, looking back at what he’d lost, sadly regretted that Dana had a “tight little body with a beautiful ass – and that was mine.”
King of all Blacks called in to make fun of Artie for having a window-mounted AC unit instead of central air – but somehow ended up talking about his need to assault his sleeping wife’s feet: “You smell ‘em very gently and then, you know, you get hard and you rub yourself against ‘em.” Howard wondered if King’s wife ever woke up during the creepy foot-rub, and King admitted that she did every once in a while: “She’ll be like, ‘Hurry up, asshole.’” WILL THE O’CONNELLS GET AN INVITE?
Gary brought in the latest essay applications for a Stern-Ostrosky wedding invite, and Howard went to Jerry O’Connell’s first. Jerry’s essay was actually a list of 17 reasons why he and his wife (Rebecca Romijn) should be invited, like how his incredible hand-eye coordination could help stop any Artie-
Adam Carolla called in to promote the DVD release of his film, “The Hammer,” and Howard immediately asked him what he gets paid for his radio show. Artie noted that an office rumor placed Adam’s salary at $7 million, which couldn’t be far off: he’d been offered $5 million a year to take the gig before it was offered to Adam. Adam replied that he wasn’t getting $7 million – but didn’t elaborate. Adam would only say that “Television [executives] are evil and smart. Radio guys are evil and stupid.”
Howard brought in Ronnie the Limo Driver so Artie could see his freshly dyed facial hair, and Artie reacted appropriately: “That’s disturbing…a little.” Ronnie said he didn’t mean to dye it so dark this time – it just came out that way. Artie said it actually looked good – and, as Ronnie was leaving the studio, began laughing at the commotion Ronnie’s “Just for Men’d” goatee was causing in the halls: “It’s crazy out there.” 
Howard got Mike Walker of The National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play “The Gossip Game,” in which Mike reads four gossip items – three (allegedly) true, one false – and the crew has to guess the fake. Mike then read this week’s stories:
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Wednesday, June 25, 2008GOT FREE (STUFF)? The Howard Stern Show for June 25, 2008ARTIE’S AC-INDUCED SICK DAY
Harry Franklin, the guy who paid Fred and Will to read and review his book, called in to finally hear thier review. Fred said the book was too long and could stand to lose 200 pages – but then recounted the plot point-by-point. Howard told Fred to shorten it up, so Fred said it was in desperate need of some editing: “There’s too much preaching going on…[I give it] a ‘D.’” Will agreed, adding that Harry needed to lose the Howard Stern-ish character’s ridiculous subplot. MATCH THE WEDDING SONG TO THE STAFFER
Howard ran through some of the (often hilarious) songs played during the bride-and-groom’s first dance at certain staffer’s weddings:
Gilbert Gottfried stopped by and Howard told him that, for once, he’d like to have a conversation with the “real” Gilbert. Gilbert laughed that it would never happen. Howard then played a clip of Gilbert laughing at the death of Rodney Dangerfield and cited it as an example of the difficulty Gilbert has dealing with reality. Gilbert said he really wasn’t on the best of terms with Rodney anyway: Rodney once approached Gilbert before they got on a plane together and told him not to annoy him during the flight.
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Tuesday, June 24, 2008THE LADY HAS A NEW LORD The Howard Stern Show for June 24, 2008THERE HE GOES AGAIN…Howard started off the show by playing a clip of Imus’ latest gaffe and making an official comment: “Imus is senile…he’s not even saying anything that makes sense.” Robin agreed, remarking that the whole controversial exchange only proved Imus’ age. Howard couldn’t understand why Imus was talking so much in the first place: “He was never a witty guy…I think he’s lost it.” The gang then had a laugh at Imus’ convoluted apology. MORE STERN WEDDING DETAILS
Joan Rivers stopped by to promote her appearance on tonight’s “Celebrity Family Feud” and told the crew that she was also being followed by cameras for a documentary. Howard wondered if the documentary’s year-long, 24-7 shooting schedule was expensive, so the documentarian, Ricki Stern (no known relation), came in to explain that she had adequate funding after being “shortlisted” for an Academy Award.
A guy named Gary called in claiming to be the Commander of all the Star Trek fan clubs and, despite his nerdy hobby, a pretty normal guy: he’s 50, married with two children and employed as a security guard at a government facility. Robin asked if his whole family was into Star Trek, but Gary confessed they all thought his hobby was pretty nutty. Gary was particularly proud of his Star Trek costume contest victories, and Baba Booey quickly located a picture of Gary in full Trekkie regalia. Howard laughed: “I’m looking at a picture of you. Shame on you.”
After asking Artie to give the toast at his wedding, Howard wondered if he should ask JD too, as his toast was sure to be hilariously awkward. Howard laughed that JD was no stranger to staff events – he was once the coat check boy at one of Robin’s parties. JD came in to say that Robin didn’t pay him for the service: he was paid in tips, but didn’t make much money as a lot of the “higher-up” people didn’t tip. Gary commented that the non-tippers’ names were better left unsaid, and JD agreed, but not before outing Gary as one of the cheapskates. %7Cutmcsr%3Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fhowardstern%2Ecom%2Frundown%2Ehs%7Cutmcmd%3Drss%3B%2B){kind=small}
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