The best of the week: july 21 – 24 – The Howard Stern ShowFriday,  July 25, 2008THE BEST OF THE WEEK: JULY 21 – 24 The Howard Stern Show for July 25, 2008PART 1: TUESDAYJASON STOPS THE NONSENSE

Will reported that Jason took out a $15,000 loan to pay for his wedding at a very high interest rate. Howard thought the idea was idiotic, so Jason came in to say the money was just meant to supplement the $15,000 that he got from his bride’s father and another $15,000 from his mother. Jason said he wanted to take the money and buy a house with it, but his mom and bride “laughed [me] out of the room.” Howard told Jason to be a man and lay down the law.


Howard explained how quickly interest piles up, adding, “The nonsense has got to stop. You getting married isn’t a big deal.” Jason confessed that his fiancé doesn’t make very much money, so Howard began making cutback recommendations: “Fred, what’s the amount of flowers needed at the wedding?” Fred saw the prompt coming and played the “Zero point zero” clip from “Animal House.” Jason finally gave in, promising to put his foot down: “Enough’s enough.”

JASON IS A LITTLE GIRL

Howard thought Jason subconsciously wanted a big wedding, but Jason took issue: “You’re wrong about this. You think Sal wants to buy his wife a $5,000 bag?” Howard shot back that the problem was the guys’ need to solidify their status as the relationship’s breadwinner. Artie thought the fact that Jason threw a birthday party for his cat proved his girly need for gay parties, and Howard agreed: “[Jason's] acting feminine. Being feminine is wanting the big wedding…He is a little girl.”PART 2: WEDNESDAYDENISE THE KIELBASA QUEEN IS FREE AT LAST

Denise the Kielbasa Queen returned to the studio for the first time in seven years to show the crew that she still

had it. She was swallowing a 12” kielbasa inside of a minute: “I used to be able to talk when I had a hotdog in my throat.” Howard wondered how Denise learned the trick, so she

explained that it was an accident: “I was working at a go-go bar…and I was [teasing guys by performing with a hotdog] at a bachelor party one time and the whole thing went down.”

Denise reported that she was in jail for five of the years since her last appearance on the show, as she was arrested for running a brothel out of her home: “My daughter told on me.” Denise explained that she would take hookers off the

street, clean them up and sell them for ten times what they charged as streetwalkers: “I put a roof over their head. I fed them…the [local] police department were some of my best customers.”
FORCED TO TRADE KIELBASA FOR TACOS

Howard asked if Denise ever hooked herself, and Denise confessed that she had: she’d charge

$1,000 thanks to her kielbasa-swallowing fame – and she’s never met a man she couldn’t swallow. But when she was in prison, Denise

switched teams: “[A fellow prisoner] pushed me up against a wall and shoved her tongue down my throat.” Denise then fell in love with the “bull-dyker” who assaulted her: “And I’m a squirter. I messed up some bed sheets in there.”

Denise said she’s had a couple scat-fetishist clients: “I made him get down on his knees and go in the toilet and get it. Every time he came up there was one less

piece…Some guys like a glass table. And they lay underneath the table.” Denise claimed they weren’t her craziest clients: “One guy comes over dressed as an Everlast heavyweight punching bag.”
RICHARD AND SAL TRY THE KIELBASA TRICK

Richard and Sal came in to try their hand at swallowing a kielbasa. Richard went first and nearly vomited: “I got about six inches!” Sal wasn’t so successful: “That’s like three inches.” Artie asked Denise how much it would cost if she were to come over and beat him up as he was shitting, and Denise quoted him: “About $500.” Artie jokingly confessed that the act was a real fantasy of his, so he might consider it. The rest of the crew was appropriately shocked.

PART 3: WEDNESDAYIN SEARCH OF “FUNNY ARTIE”

Howard started Wednesday’s show taking a call from a guy named Pittsburgh Pete who wanted to hear less Artie, as he was irritated by his self-congratulating charity work stories. Artie said Pete was a dummy and an unemployed loser, and Howard joined in, asking Pete what he did for a living. Pete confirmed that he was unemployed and just sat around all day listening to the channels.

Another caller seconded Pete’s argument, saying Artie had been talking a lot more recently – and, even worse, was being too serious. Artie replied that he’d try to go find “funny Artie”: “He’s probably at the vending machine.” Artie also noted that a recent

online poll proved that he was the fans’ favorite staffer, so his contributions to the show were probably appreciated by more people than not. Mariann from Brooklyn then called in to say she shared the complaint as well, but Artie fended her off with his new Mariann impression.PART 4: MONDAYDANIEL CARVER’S VOTING DILLEMMA

Howard got Daniel Carver on the line to find out who he was voting for, but Daniel first did his trademark “Wake up, white people” bit: “It ain’t gonna be funny when the n—-rs take over.” Howard asked Daniel if he still went to Klan meetings, and Daniel admitted that he did – but he’s stepped down from his Grand Dragon position. Daniel then announced that he was in McCain’s camp, as the Jews were behind Obama’s bid for the presidency.

Daniel began quoting Bible passages to support his case that Obama was some kind of apocalypse-triggering Anti-Christ: “If God’s gonna put Obama in there to finish us off, there’s nothing we can do about it.” Howard asked if Daniel would vote for McCain if he chose Lieberman for his running mate, but Daniel resisted: “I ain’t gonna vote for no n—-r and I ain’t gonna vote for no Jew.”

DANIEL’S DONE HIS RESEARCH


Daniel said he didn’t even care about Obama’s qualifications: “He could be a great president, but he should be a president in Africa…God don’t love black people.” Howard couldn’t sign on with Daniel’s black-people-are-animals theory, citing Obama’s Harvard education, but Daniel was insistent: “A n—-r can mate with a monkey and have a baby. I read about it in the National Enquirer…[just] put a little pair of pants on ‘em and let ‘em ride a bicycle around.”

Howard thought Obama’s candidacy meant people were finally starting to look past race, and Daniel agreed: “Money, sex and drugs – that’s all they care about.” Daniel added that it would be better to have a black president than a Jewish one: “I wouldn’t vote for either one of ‘em. But yeah, I’d prefer to be led by a monkey than a devil…A monkey is higher than a Jew. The Jew is a devil.”PART 5: TUESDAYIT’S A SLUR-OFF

Artie told a story about two cops he used to know who would play a game to see who could name the most racial epithets for black people, laughing that they could go back-and-forth up to 40 names each. Howard was inspired and decided to give the game a shot. Sal came in for a racist slur-off with Howard, but Howard ran out after

5 terms. Sal had several more slurs ready to go, so Howard handed things over to Artie, who scored a knockout in about 11 rounds. After the more obscure terms (like “smoke,” “tarbaby” and “spoon”), each would praise the other: “Wow! That’s a really good one.”

Artie thought they could have a better contest with terms for gay people, so he and Howard faced off (with several assists from Fred). Later, Howard also took on Jon Hein in an anti-Semitic slur-off, but the progress was slow. Everyone agreed that Sal should be given a shot, so Howard demanded he come in: “How are you on Jews?” Sal thought he was alright: “Christkillers is a great one.”PART 6: THURSDAYSAL IS “RICKY LUNCH MAN”

Ronnie the Limo Driver reported that Sal was becoming a “lunch man” – a guy who spends his lunch hour at Rick’s Cabaret. Sal came in to explain that he just recently did a magzine interview there – and then his friends came to town and he wanted to show them the “Stern clubhouse.” And then some more friends from school. As the evidence began to stack up, Sal insisted he was only extending his tours of the studio to the next logical stop…Rick’s.

While Sal was in the studio, he again made his case for a wedding invite, but Howard repeated Beth’s wishes: hell no. Sal tried claiming that he’d never wronged Beth after they’d made up (and he’d promised not to insult her anymore) after the infamous roast-joke-that-shall-not-be-repeated. Howard was dismissive: “We’ve already proved you lied.”
Friday’s Show

Sleeping it off – The Howard Stern ShowThursday,  July 24, 2008SLEEPING IT OFF The Howard Stern Show for July 24, 2008RONNIE THE LIMO DRIVER WANTS TO MEET GUYSHoward and Fred started off the show wondering what Ronnie the Limo Driver meant in the infamous clip in which he says “I’m about meeting girls. I’m about meeting guys…” Ronnie came in to explain himself, but before he could get anywhere, Howard noted that Ronnie was again wearing an open-collar shirt instead of his previously preferred mock turtleneck. Ronnie said he was just trying to adjust to the hot weather: “What’s wrong with you?”
Howard asked Ronnie if he knew how many t-shirts he owned with skulls on them, and Ronnie replied: “A lot…I got a t-shirt back at KROCK from [the free stuff/“glom” box] with a skull on it that said ‘Born to Kill’ and I loved it…I still have it.” Ronnie said the shirt was now too washed out to wear, so he had the shirt’s graphic tattooed on his arm. Howard then showed the crew a vintage Ronnie look from their trip to Vegas. Robin was disgusted: “Whoa!”“WHO’S SHORTER THAN RONNIE?” Howard got Ass Napkin Ed on the line to play the “Who’s Shorter than Ronnie?” game. After noting that Ronnie was 5′ 7.5”, Howard got started:

Minnie Driver. ANE correctly said taller: Minnie is 5′ 10”.

Hillary Clinton. ANE incorrectly said shorter: Hillary is 5′ 8.5”.

Mariah Carey. ANE correctly said taller: Mariah is 5′ 9”.

Katie Holmes. ANE correctly said taller: Katie is 5′ 9”.

In other words, nobody’s shorter than Ronnie.SORRY BOB, YOU’RE SCREWEDArtie told a story about getting a call from the Reverend Bob Levy: Bob claimed that if he could get Artie to appear at his comedy “club” before October, his landlord (The Ramada Inn) would keep the “club” open. Artie said he didn’t want to go to Levittown, PA for the gig, so much so that he’s considering just paying off Bob’s landlord directly. Howard then played one of Bob’s parody songs – one titled “Artie’s a Fat F’” – and Artie changed his mind immediately. DO YOU HAVE BLACK FRIENDS?Howard noted that HowardTV wanted the crew to go through their Rolodexes to see if they had any black friends listed. Artie quickly announced how he was in the clear: one of his best friends from high school is black. Howard looked through his phonebook and found two: his former housekeeper and Robin Givens.

Artie laughed that this game would be a lot more fun if they played it with Kim Kardashian, as she’s notorious for only dating black men. Howard wondered if that was a fetish, saying he used to know a Jewish girl who drove her parents crazy with her love of black men. He then went through the rest of his phonebook in search of African Americans: “Christie Brinkley, David Arquette, David Spade, Eddie Van Halen, Esthero, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Piscopo, Linda Lopez, Mary McCormack, Meg Griffin, Rebecca Romijn…no blacks.”WILL THE STERNS HAVE BACHELOR(ETTE) PARTY/IES?Ralph called in to say Howard was being ridiculous for insisting on a “B” tattoo instead of a wedding ring. Howard didn’t care what Ralph thought: “Sometimes I think that Ralph has good taste, but then I remember that his apartment is full of crap.” Sal came in to ask if Howard was going to have a bachelor party, but Howard said no. Artie asked if Beth was having a bachelorette party, and Robin answered that she’d already asked her: “Beth didn’t want it.” SAL IS “RICKY LUNCH MAN”

Ronnie the Limo Driver reported that Sal was becoming a “lunch man” – a guy who spends his lunch hour at Rick’s Cabaret. Sal came in to explain that he just recently did a magazine interview there – and then his friends came to town and he wanted to show them the “Stern clubhouse.” And then some more friends from school. As the evidence began to stack up, Sal insisted he was only extending his tours of the studio to the next logical stop on the tour…Ricks.

While Sal was in the studio, he again made his case (yet again) for a wedding invite, but Howard repeated Beth’s wishes: hell no. Sal tried claiming that he’d never wronged Beth after they’d made up (and he’d promised not to insult her anymore) after the infamous roast-joke-that-shall-not-be-repeated. Howard was dismissive: “We’ve already proved you lied.”MEET SEAN THE STUTTERERHoward welcomed a guy named Sean to the studio to talk about his stutter, which makes him sound as if he is singing. Sean explained that he has a particularly hard time with the word “sp-spiders” and sings difficult words to the tune of Howard’s old “WnnnnnNBC” call letters to power through them. Sean said the stutter gets worse when he’s nervous, but he’s managed to start and own his own business – and has never had a problem finding girls: he’s married.

Sean told Howard about his recent vasectomy, saying the weirdest part was when the doctor Nair-d his balls: “And then there was a lot snipping and cutting and moving the balls around.” Sean described the post-procedure pain as something like getting slapped in the balls, which made Howard wince. Artie then told a story about a pregnancy scare he had, noting that he actually wanted the girl to have the baby. Howard, of course, thought Artie was crazy.KNOW YOUR SCIENTOLOGISTSHoward let Sean play the “Know Your Scientologists” game, in which Howard listed three celebrities and Sean had to pick the wacko:

Sonny Bono, Tobey Maguire or John Cusack?. “Sonny Bono?” Correct.

Charles Manson, Edward Furlong or Jake Gyllenhaal? “Edward Furlong?” Wrong – Charles Manson.

Lisa Marie Presley, Meg Ryan or Lindsay Lohan? “Meg Ryan?” Wrong – Lisa Marie.

Brendan Fraser, Patrick Swayze or Kiefer Sutherland? “Kiefer Sutherland?” Wrong – Patrick Swayze.

Juliette Lewis, Johnny Depp or Gene Hackman? “Juliette Lewis.” Correct…You Win!!MEET THE WEASLE’S FORMER ASSISTANT

Sean’s wife Laura came in to talk about their relationship, but after the gang discovered she used to be Pauly Shore’s assistant, the subject changed abruptly. Laura said Pauly used to go to the Playboy Mansion all the time but would never bring women home. Sean joked: “Now, dudes…” Howard asked why Laura left the position, so she explained that she freaked out about the devastation Y2K would bring to the world and ran for the hills. SAL’S BIKINI BOTTOMSHoward wondered if anyone on the staff wore a bikini bottom/Speedo-type bathing suit, and Artie announced that he knew Sal did, citing a picture he saw from Sal’s Italian vacation. After seeing the photo, the crew was appropriately disgusted, particularly Fred: “What the f’?! Jesus Christ!” MIKE WALKER’S GOSSIP GAMEHoward got Mike Walker from the National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play “The Gossip Game,” in which Mike reads four gossip items – three (allegedly) true, one false – and the crew has to guess the fake. Mike then read this week’s stories:

1. David Archuletta’s “American Idol on Tour” co-stars are complaining that he sings too loudly in his sleep.

2. Paula Abdul traded an autographed “American Idol” album for carside service at a Jamba Juice.

3. Mel Gibson called Kevin Federline to offer fatherly advice, but Kevin didn’t want to hear it: “Dude, just get me some work.”

4. Larry Flynt got in an argument with Ed McMahon over who should pay their lunch bill. Ed won.

Howard didn’t think Ed McMahon had any money left over to pay for anything, but everyone else thought the Paula Abdul story was the obvious fake. Mike confirmed that they were correct.SAL IS THE CUPCAKE DOUBLE DIPPERSteve Langford revealed that Sal Governale has been caught on a security camera stealing the best cupcake toppings and using them to “double dip” in the icing. Steve said Sal was caught checking to see if anyone was watching, and then picking away at three separate cupcakes. Sal came in to say he never touched the cupcakes themselves – he only stole the cookie/candy that tops the icing. Sal continued to dispute the “double dip” element of the story, so Howard bet him that he did, with the penalty being Richard’s balls in Sal’s mouth. Just wait ’til next week when HowardTV has the footage ready…ERIC THE MIDGET WANTS A HUG-AND-DYE

Eric the Midget called in to complain about a supposed inaccuracy in one of Steve Langford’s reports, but Howard quickly moved on, telling the little guy he’d love to give him a hug: “You love life don’t you?” Eric said he did. Howard went on: “And I love the fact that your mom comes over to wash and dye your hair…I want to hold you…I love you, Eric.” Eric replied that if Howard loved him, he would fire Langford, but Howard said that wasn’t going to happen.

Right as Robin started her news, Howard noted that Artie had fallen asleep. Howard speculated that

Artie was dreaming of meatballs and Hi-C: “One meatball, two meatball, three meatball…” Robin wondered if Artie was faking it, as

his sunglasses prevented anyone from seeing his eyes, but Howard thought his high-carb diet was proof that he could nod off at any

moment. Jason then came in to move the mic closer so everyone could enjoy his snoring. Hilariously, Artie began talking in his sleep: “What’s up? What’s up? Hey Jon, Robin. What’s up, Howard?”

Gary reported that there was a hole in one of the walls at Artie’s new shore house, so Artie explained that he was working on his book until really late and when he woke up, he was still tired. He promptly lost his balance while trying to put on his shoes and fell into a wall. Artie said he also picked up some kind of weird rash after their trip to Afghanistan. Gary was shocked: “I did too…I wake up in the morning and my torso is itchy. It gets all red.” Howard laughed that they’d probably picked up scabies – for charity.

Howard referenced this Internet hoax
Howard again said he was looking forward to “The Watchmen.”

Artie suggested they check Kim Kardashian’s address book if they want to find black people.

Howard referenced The Flaming Lips’ audience ball
Howard’s stalker, John the Wine Guy, called in to say he didn’t want to be a stalker anymore: “I just wanna be the wine guy.” Howard then allowed him plug his wine, Lieb Cellars
Howard and the gang checked out a picture of Corey Feldman’s wife.

Artie said he was enjoying “The Two Coreys.”

Howard defined “swarthy.”

Howard asked Robin if she was good at oral sex, so she claimed: “When I go for it, I go for it…I can be good at anything.”

Artie remarked that a friend of his saw Ashley Alexandra Dupree at the Jersey Shore.

Howard said he always wanted to bang Susan Anton.Thursday’s Show

Long live the (kielbasa) queen – The Howard Stern ShowWednesday,  July 23, 2008LONG LIVE THE (KIELBASA) QUEEN The Howard Stern Show for July 23, 2008IN SEARCH OF “FUNNY ARTIE”Howard started the show taking a call from a guy named Pete who wanted less Artie, because he was irritated by his self-congratulating charity work stories. Artie said Pete was a dummy and an unemployed loser, and Howard joined in, asking Pete what he did for a living. Pete confirmed that he was unemployed and just sat around all day listening to the channels.

Another caller seconded Pete’s argument, saying Artie was talking more recently and being too serious. Artie replied, “I’ll go find funny Artie. He’s probably at the vending machine.” Artie added that a recent online poll proved that he was the fans’ favorite staffer, so his contributions to the show are appreciated by most people. Mariann from Brooklyn called in to say she shared the complaint as well, but Artie fought back with his new Mariann impression.IS HOWARD SPEAKING THROUGH THE CALLERS?Later, Artie said he’d learned that Howard tells him things in a very specific, yet passive-aggressive way: “You take a call that kind of says [something] for you…You’d never say it to me directly.” Howard said Artie was exactly right, but today’s calls were not an example: “I would have no trouble coming to you…I will occasionally take a phone call that will give you reason to think about something…Artie is not 100% wrong.”WENDY THE RETARD RETURNSWendy the Retard called in to say hi for the first time in a while. Howard recognized the “Nightmare in Elm Street” music in the background and asked her how many times she’d seen the movie. Wendy said, “This is about the 200th time.” Howard asked if Wendy’s “condition” kept her from realizing that the horror movies were not real, and Wendy answered with her trademark “Yes!” Wendy explained: “It’s something to do.”

Wendy said she also had “some comedy movies and some rated R movies” and liked to fantasize about killing people just like her hero, Freddy Krueger. Howard wondered if Wendy really thought she could enter people’s heads while they slept, and Wendy confirmed that she did – but usually just her mother’s head. Howard asked if Wendy ever watched porn, but she said her mom wouldn’t let her.HORROR HERO F-MARRY-KILLWendy noted that she sometimes gets so scared by her favorite monster movies, she’s afraid to leave the house. Howard asked why Wendy did this to herself, and Wendy explained that she had nothing else to do. Howard then presented Wendy with a horror hero f-marry-kill scenario, and Wendy chose to marry Chuckie, kill Freddy and f Michael Myers. BENJY’S WEIGHT-LOSS PROGRAMHoward asked Benjy why his healthy diet hadn’t prevented him from becoming as fat as Artie. Benjy couldn’t explain it, but Fred could: “He gets the Costco sized vat[s] of salad.” Fred explained how Benjy eats bowl after bowl of salad, but Benjy claimed he’d recently turned over a new leaf: “For the first time in my life, I’m trying to eat only when I’m hungry.” Howard gave Fred an assignment: whenever Benjy eats something, notify everyone else.

Benjy confessed that he’s doing more than just portion control to lose weight – he’s also biking along the West Side Highway late at night. Howard didn’t understand how Benjy could go biking at 11pm and get enough sleep before he has to leave for work – and then told Benjy that if he stopped the shtick and got regular sleep, his appetite might return to normal.THE STERN MUSEUM STARTS HEREA guy named Lenny called in to discuss his extensive Howard Stern memorabilia collection. Howard noted that Lenny donated $6,400 to LifeBeat in order to sit in on the Wrap-Up Show, and he’s also spent quite a bit on other Stern-related items, like the complete Channel 9 Show tapes and the $700 painting that intern Mike Coppola gave to Howard (which Howard promptly slashed and threw away: “I said to him, ‘This is a piece of shit. And your mother’s a horrible painter.’”).

Lenny listed other items in his collection: the complete “E! Interview” tapes, one of Howard’s old paychecks from WCCC, a Warner Brother’s “shadowbox” containing the drug paraphernalia that Howard used in “Private Parts,” a 18” figurine of Howard made out of tin foil, a letter that former program director Randy Baumgarten sent a fan who thought Robin was ruining the show, an original script of “The Adventures of Fartman,” and 7,000 shares of Sirius stock.

Artie noted that Lenny even had Howard’s high school yearbook, which horrified Howard: “I hated my high school…I’m invisible in the yearbook.” Lenny quietly said he

paid $160 for it. Dominic Barbara then called in to say he had the ultimate piece of Stern memorabilia: the unwashed sheets from Howard’s first night with Beth (also the first time they had sex – at Dominic’s house on Shelter Island).

The gang wondered why Richard had a drinking problem given the fact that he has such loving parents, so Richard came in to defend himself. At first, Richard said he was a good-time drinker, but after a while, he confessed that he sometimes regrets he never went farther in music, like Metallica, and speculated that

he just wasn’t talented enough. Howard told Richard that he was talented enough – he’d just played in bands that were too obscure – but if he kept drinking to excess, they’d have to have an off-air talk.

Howard and Robin discussed how their relationship was rough in the beginning – to the point that Howard became unhappy working with Robin. Robin admitted that she was acting out and projecting her depression, as she had yet to confront her troubled childhood. At times, she would become intensely depressed and just wander through Rockefeller Center. Robin said she even had to remove everything in her apartment that she could use to hurt herself.

Howard noted that before too long, he had to go to Robin and tell her that their tenuous relationship was making him unhappy, and Robin made an immediate change. Robin said she went to talk with someone about her problems, and the woman gave her “a tool” that helped her cope. Howard then regretted that he never used the conversation to establish a more intimate relationship with her.

HOWARD CONFRONTS A STALKERHoward got John, one of his stalkers, on the line to discuss an incident in which John confronted Howard at a recent charity event. Howard told the crew: “I heard John donated wine [to the cause/event]…and you do that for yourself…I’m an observant guy and I can tell [he had] a problem…[but] I took a picture [with him] and I was happy to do it.” John complained that the picture he took with Howard “was brief…I would have appreciated a smile in the picture.”

Howard explained that he took time out of his schedule to talk with John, and he was donating his celebrity (and the press attention that comes with it) to the charity, so he had a lot of people and reporters to talk to. John admitted that he “got lost in the moment.” Howard said John was a little more than “lost”: “You were in a rage. You were too anxious. I’ll tell you how to be a friend of mine: you lay back.”THE KIELBASA QUEEN IS FREE AT LASTDenise the Kielbasa Queen returned to the studio for the first time in seven years to show the crew that she still

had it. She was swallowing a 12” kielbasa inside of a minute: “I used to be able to talk when I had a hotdog in my throat.” Howard wondered how Denise learned the trick, so she

explained that it was an accident: “I was working at a go-go bar…and I was [teasing guys by performing with a hotdog] at a bachelor party one time and the whole thing went down.”

Denise reported that she was in jail for five of the years since her last appearance on the show, as she was arrested for running a brothel out of her home: “My daughter told on me.” Denise explained that she would take hookers off the

street, clean them up and sell them for ten times what they charged as streetwalkers: “I put a roof over their head. I fed them…the [local] police department were some of my best customers.”FORCED TO TRADE KIELBASA FOR TACOSHoward asked if Denise ever hooked herself, and Denise confessed that she had: she’d charge

$1,000 thanks to her kielbasa-swallowing fame – and she’s never met a man she couldn’t swallow. But when she was in prison, Denise

switched teams: “[A fellow prisoner] pushed me up against a wall and shoved her tongue down my throat.” Denise then fell in love with the “bull-dyker” who assaulted her: “And I’m a squirter. I messed up some bed sheets in there.”

Denise said she’s had a couple scat-fetishist clients: “I made him get down on his knees and go in the toilet and get it. Every time he came up there was one less

piece…Some guys like a glass table. And they lay underneath the table.” Denise claimed they weren’t her craziest clients: “One guy comes over dressed as an Everlast heavyweight punching bag.”RICHARD AND SAL TRY THE KIELBASA TRICK

Richard and Sal came in to try their hand at swallowing a kielbasa. Richard went first and nearly vomited: “I got about six inches!” Sal wasn’t so successful: “That’s like three inches.” Artie asked Denise how much it would cost if she were to come over and beat him up as he was shitting, and Denise quoted him: “About $500.” Artie confessed that the act was a real fantasy of his, so he might consider it. The rest of the crew was appropriately shocked.

Artie said he used to jerk off to Pippi Longstocking.
Denise the Kiebasa Queen told the crew how to make a prison dildo
Artie told a story about following James Caan around a party.

Richard said he was very proud of the music he made with Death
The gang discussed Riley Martin’s symbols.

Robin remarked that Lil’ Wayne was “huge right now.”

Lisa G noted that Shuli is headlining two nights at Caroline’s next week.

Lisa also reported that Gilbert Gottfried has trained “Today Show” host Ann Curry in the fine art of stand-up comedy.

Artie told the crew about the man who eats 33,000 calories a day.Wednesday’s Show

Welcome to the hotel california – The Howard Stern ShowThursday,  July 17, 2008WELCOME TO THE HOTEL CALIFORNIA The Howard Stern Show for July 17, 2008ROBIN WALKS IT OUTHoward started off the show noting that he was running in Central Park yesterday, and it was so hot, he had to run at a very slow pace. In the middle of mile 5, he ran into Robin and her trainer, who were walking. Robin claimed she was walking because her trainer was injured and she refuses to run alone in the park, as she’s scarred by the story of the woman who went for an early morning run and was raped and killed several years ago.?THE DARK KNIGHT? WOWS THE CREWHoward and Robin raved about ?The Dark Knight? IMAX experience. Robin said the IMAX screen gave her motion sickness, and Howard agreed, saying it was a little disorienting at times. Artie asked it the movie was really a five-star affair, and both Howard and Robin said yes. Howard said the movie had the potential to make Heath Ledger the James Dean of his generation, and the only weak part was Maggie Gyllenhaal, as he didn?t feel she had the physical beauty to carry the part of Bruce Wayne?s love interest. ?ROMEO BLUES? FUELS ERIC THE MIDGETEric the Midget called in to complain about Steve Langford covering his life so heavily, but Howard defended Langford, saying yesterday’s report about Eric’s SFN handle was hilarious. Howard also noted that Eric’s statements yesterday about Langford’s Canadian background upset a lot of emailers, but Eric didn’t seem to care, explaining that he wasn’t angry with Canada – he would tell Langford to back to whatever country he was from.

Later, SFN kingpin, Mutt called in to confirm that Eric had posted under the handle ?Romeo Blues,? and Eric shot back that he only used SFN as ?fuel to get pissed off.? Howard asked why Eric wanted to get pissed off, so Eric confessed that it was for airtime – he knows Howard likes him better when he’s angry. Howard thought the idea of Eric posing as someone else to defend himself was ?beautifully sad,? but Eric still refused to confirm or deny the story: ?Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t.?ARTIE SLEEPS ON THE CANHoward reported that Artie fell asleep on the toilet again last night, and Artie confirmed the story: ?I completely fell asleep and was leaning to one side, so my

foot fell asleep. When I woke up, I stood and tried to step and fell down. I thought I had the gout like High Pitch Erik…I fell asleep [there] for almost two hours.?

RICHARD SIMMONS LOVES THE KIDSRichard Simmons called in to promote his children’s health initiative, ?Fit Kids,? which led Howard to ask if the health guru’s body has slowed down. Richard said he was still going strong at 60 and teaching the same exercise classes he’s taught since he was 25. Howard threatened to start calling Richard his real name – ?Milton Teagal? – and Richard owned up: ?That’s fair.? Richard then announced that he’ll be testifying in front of congress about ?Fit Kids.?

Howard asked Richard if he was tortured in P.E. as a child, and Richard said he was: ?There was a big jock…every day after gym, he would take a bat and hit me in the head until I hit the floor.? Howard was surprised that Richard didn’t die during the assaults and speculated that they were fatal ? but the person killed was ?Milton Teagal.? Richard avoided the subject, saying he stopped harassment by simply confronting the bully and standing up for himself: ?All the other children clapped.?HELLO? LASSIE, IS THAT YOU?Howard said he’d heard that Richard calls his dogs from the road, and asked Richard to act out the scenario. Richard was hesitant at first but broke down after a while: ?HI HATTIE! HI POLLY!? Howard asked how much Richard paid the assistant who had to hold up the phone to the dogs’ ears, but Richard became upset, saying Howard was making him sad. Howard then began laughing that the assistant probably didn’t even hold the phone up to the dogs, so, after 13 minutes on the phone, Richard hung up.

Howard noted that Ronnie had a new look: he’d traded his mock-turtleneck shirts for an open collar and had also stopped dying his goatee. Ronnie

came in to claim he was still dying his goatee ? he’s just using less dye. Howard told Ronnie to make sure he mixes the dye all the way through, as it has

now left him with an uneven/?skidmarked? look: ?It looks like he just ate out a menstruating chick.? Howard then asked if Ronnie would ever wear his mock-turtleneck shirts again, and Ronnie said yes: ?Of course.?

THE BABA BOOEY SONG PARODY CONTEST FINALISTSAfter his new clip was selected as a finalist in the Baba Booey Song Parody Contest, Ham Hands Bill called in to celebrate and repeat its best lines. Howard and the gang also enjoyed songs using the melodies of Donna Summer’s ?I Feel Love,? the Commodore’s ?Jungle Boogie,? ?King of the Road,? the ?Law

& Order? theme, the ?Super Mario Brothers? theme and BTO’s ?You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet.? The final entry was written by the tapes team and sung by Artie to the tune of ?That’s Amore? – but, according to the rules, it could not win.DON FELDER?S ROCK & ROLL PEDIGREE Ex-Eagle Don Felder stopped by to promote his new book. Howard asked Don what he said to fellow Eagle Joe Walsh in the band’s ?Hotel California? video, so he explained that he’d just told Joe his drug use was ?showing.? Don then gave a brief survey of his histoy in the music biz: started a band with Stephen Stills when they were 14, gave Tom Petty guitar lessons, performed with Crosby Stills & Nash, and, after a while, started jamming with The Eagles. The band liked his work so much, they eventually offered him a role (and full partnership) in the band.

Howard wondered if Don went crazy when he joined The Eagles, and Don admitted that he got ?drugged into sin and all kinds of promiscuity.? Don cited coke as the band’s ?fuel? back in those days, so much so they kept pace with Keith Richards during his craziest hours. Howard asked Don about how/when he wrote the riff for ?Hotel California,? and Don set the scene, saying he just walked out of the ocean and sat on the beach fiddling his guitar: ?I thought it was a nice progression, so I went back into my room and recorded it.?HOW/WHY THE EAGLES SPLITPrompted by the crew’s questions, Don described how his partnership with the Eagles dissolved. Don said the band’s arrangement started out equitably, with each member getting to write and sing two songs on each record, but as the hits tended to be sung by Glenn Frye and Don Henley, that rule was phased out. Pretty soon, Henley’s

ability to consistently churn out hits even exasperated Glenn, and the band broke up. When he was done telling the story, Don picked up his guitar and performed ?Hotel California.? MIKE WALKER’S GOSSIP GAMEHoward got Mike Walker from the National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play ?The Gossip Game,? in which Mike reads four gossip items ? three (allegedly) true, one false ? and the crew has to guess the fake. After plugging his new book, Mike read this week’s stories:

1. Rosie O’Donnell bought her partner Kelly some expensive jewelry in Seattle.

2. George Michael mistook a fellow restroom user for a cop trying to catch him misbehaving.

3. Hayden Panettiere surprised her boyfriend, ?Heroes? star Milo Ventimiglia, with a very special (and public) birthday-striptease.

4. Drew Barrymore accidentally sent her ex, Justin Long, some other guy’s underwear when she returned his belongings.

Howard thought Hayden Panettiere was too innocent for a public striptease. Robin and Artie guessed that Mike just wanted to talk about George Michael. Fred suspected the Drew Barrymore item sounded suspicious. Mike then confirmed that Fred was right yet again.IT?S TIME FOR ROBIN’S NEWSJesse Jackson used the n-word.
Al Reynolds is a really isn?t gay.
Andy Dick is in deep doo doo.
Jimmy Kimmell is making fun of the Jay Leno/ABC rumors.

The Emmy Nominations have been announced.
John McCain spoke at the NAACP convention.
?Hancock? is a cash cow.
Madonna’s SUV was vandalized.Howard advised John McCain to get the black vote by changing the national anthem to ?In Da Club.?

Artie said ?Mad Men? was ?a five-star show.?

Howard said Kristen Chenoweth was really hot.

Artie tried his hand at a Jesse Jackson impression.

Robin said, ?I want to marry Batman. It seems so real, you fall in love with Batman.?

Steve Langford reported that Lisa the Blind Playmate was arrested in Toronto.

Howard played a clip of Regis Philbin asking Kelly Ripa about her husband, Mark Consuelos, officiating Howard’s wedding.

Artie cracked up Don Felder with his impression of Joe Walsh’s guitar-face.

Robin said she enjoyed Billy Joel’s concert in Shea Stadium.

Melrose Larry Green called in to talk about The Animals.Thursday’s Show

Double d…lights – The Howard Stern ShowWednesday,  July 16, 2008DOUBLE D…LIGHTS The Howard Stern Show for July 16, 2008HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, BETH OHoward started off the show remarking that yesterday was Beth’s birthday, and they celebrated by going out to dinner. Howard said Beth wanted her gift ? ?an expensive piece of jewelry? ? early, so he’d given it to her a couple weeks ago. Problem was, he then felt obligated to get her another gift for the actual day. He settled on a card that read, ?Happy Birthday to my (future) wife.? She loved it. Artie joked: ?And do you know what you’re going to get her in two years for Mother’s Day???I’M STAYING UNDER THE NAME SEAN PENN?Artie told a story about David Spade running into Sean Penn in a hotel they were both staying at. The two decided to meet up later, but when Penn tried to call Spade, he couldn’t find him because Spade was staying under a fake name. Eventually Penn got Spade’s fake name from the manager (because he’s Sean f’ing Penn) and left him a message, saying, ?Hey David, I had a hard time getting a hold of you because you’re famous and staying here under a fake name. Give me a call. I?m staying under the name Sean Penn.? BENJY’S TRYST WITH A CELEBRITYHoward said he talked with Benjy over the break, as Benjy had big news to report: he?d just had sex with [a somewhat famous chick]. Howard said he knew the woman?s name, but he?d never seen her in?person. Benjy said he met the chick on an online dating site and gave a few clues about her identity: she has a connection with the show (but has never been on it), she didn?t seem to know that Benjy worked on the show, and her name is immediately recognizable. Benjy also said she was ?incredible? and ?very responsive? in bed. PINING AWAYArtie revealed that he?s been getting serious with a girl he?s dating and ? at the same time ? considering another play for Dana. When they were in Afghanistan, Artie sat down with Gary and Gary gave him some great advice ? which, other than Gary?s suggestion that he see a shrink before making a decision, Artie refused to reveal. Howard and Robin were pissed that they?d already given Artie the same advice a million times, but Artie insisted there was another, larger part of the advice that he couldn?t say on air.

Howard thought he had heard that Dana had recently started dating another guy, so Artie explained that Dana stopped by his apartment to tell him it was just a dinner. The gang thought Dana?s play was an obvious overture. Artie then revealed that he made one of his own and called her from Afghanistan: ?She told me, ?I think [you thinking of me and calling me] is touching. But go to therapy?…She?s heard it all before…She said, ?I didn?t sleep with the guy.? It?s all complicated.? IF TRUMP RULED THE WORLDDonald Trump stopped by to promote Affliction’s upcoming ?Banned? fight night, and Howard immediately asked him about the economic recession. Donald said he easily avoided any damage caused by US recessions by spreading his assets out: ?We have 73 projects going on all over the world…but we need a new leader. We gotta get rid of this guy fast.? Donald added that if he were in charge, ?those oil prices would drop like a rock.?

While they were talking about the economy, Donald noted that he recently sold a house in Palm Beach to a Russian guy for $100 million, ?and wouldn’t have been nice if an American had bought it? It’s pretty sad when you think of it. Most of the people that were negotiating [for the property] were foreigners.? Donald then asked if he would be invited to Howard’s wedding, and Howard said he was: ?Just to help you out, the invitation will read ‘To Donald Trump and current wife.’?DONALD ON O.J. AND THE WORLD?S HOTTEST WOMANDonald told the crew that he recently pitched O.J. Simpson to NBC executives as a castmember on ?Celebrity Apprentice,? but they freaked out. Howard wondered why Donald would even try the pitch, and Donald answered flatly, saying O.J.’s presence would guarantee insane ratings. Donald confessed that other than pairing up O.J. for a ratings coup, the two weren’t friendly: ?I abandoned O.J.. When I realized he?d killed his wife…I took a pass.?

Howard asked Donald if he’d ever slept with a fat woman, but Donald was ready: ?I’ve slept with women who got fat…? Artie wondered if Donald had ever slept with multiple women, and Donald was non?plussed: ?Haven’t we all?? The gang also wondered who Donald considered to be the hottest woman in the world, so Donald cited the winner (and runner?up) of his recent Miss Universe pageant and Jennifer Hawkins, an Australian beauty who served as one of the contest’s judges.HE WON THE LOTTERY, BUT NOT A GIRLA lottery winner named Richie stopped by to talk about his win has changed his life, explaining that he recently won $5 million with a ?Set For Live? scratch?off ticket. Richie said he played the lottery everyday for quite a while, and he doesn?t plan on quitting his job ? the prize’s payout is $65,000 every three months until the day he dies. Richie explained that 25 years in the workforce had broken him: ?I always have to have a job no matter what.?

Howard asked Richie if he was using his new status to get laid, but he said it wasn’t helping: ?I went to the beach yesterday and got a wrong number…I’ll give you my email, in case some girls wanna getta holda me.? Artie offered to take Richie to Rick’s Cabaret for a girlfriend?search, but Richie demurred: ?I’m looking for a knockaround girl…I prefer blondes.? Artie deadpanned that Richie sounded like an unusual guy.SHAWN CARLA IS FRIENDLYShawn Carla, August’s Miss HowardTV, came into the studio to frustrate Artie. Howard was impressed with Shawn’s DD boobs, but Artie sounded melancholy: ?She’s just hot as hell.? Sean showed the crew a tattoo she had on her belly, so Artie suggested an amendment: ?you

should put an arrow pointing down there that says ‘Heaven.’? Shawn then dropped her top to show off her boob?job and answered the usual questions: never done anal, was drunk when she lost her virginity and likes to mess around with girls.

Artie had talked with Shawn earlier in the halls and learned that she recently moved to an apartment near his own: ?You really need someone to show you around Hoboken.? Shawn agreed but said she already had plans: her fellow bi?curious friend is coming to town this evening. Artie replied that that was convenient, as he’ll be having a party in his apartment. Shawn shot back that she actually gets paid anywhere from $800?$1500 for ?hosting? jobs ? essentially ?to be a hot chick at a party.?THE SYBIAN RETURNSHoward then quieted the studio as Shawn got on the Sybian: ?Oh my god! Oh my god. [laughs] Holy shit! [unintelligible] I’m gonna block all of you out…Oh my god! Oh F?! OK ALRIGHT STOP IT…I let it happen! That’s why I jumped off! My legs are shaking right now.? Gange then came in to note that Shawn cried when she was told she was the next Miss HowardTV, so Howard told her that he was honored.

ERIC THE MIDGET IS ?ROMEO BLUES?…OR NOTSteve Langford came in to report that Eric the Midget’s SFN alias was Romeo Blues. Eric called in to deny the story and demanded that Langford reveal his sources. Langford refused. Eric quickly resorted to idle threats, saying he’d ?beat [Langford's] Canadian ass,? but Langford corrected him: ?Ex?Canadian.? Fred then played some clips from ?The Shining? in which the Danny Torrence character does his ?Redrum? finger voice, and Howard asked Eric if ? for comparison’s sake ? he’d say ?Redrum.? The miserable little guy would not play along.IT?S TIME FOR ROBIN?S NEWS?The Dark Knight? is getting great reviews.

Meet the world’s kinkiest Catholic school principal.

One of the Barenaked Ladies was arrested for coke possession.

Is Jay Leno going to ABC?

Former child star Brian Bonsall is in trouble.

Manson family member Susan Atkins was denied parole.

German officials are probing a forgotten Nazi massacre.
Bush is irritated by Obama?s criticism of the Iraq war.
Democrats are allowing Bush to blame them.

Obama doesn?t care about that New Yorker cover.

Arlen Specter has completed his last round of chemotherapy.

A ?Dark Knight? promotion caused panic at a San Antonio TV station.

Babe Ruth’s hat sold for $328,000.

?Project Runway? is back!

Megan Fox had to gain 10lbs for the ?Transformers? sequel.Shawn Carla cited Dave (aka ?12 Pack?) from ?I Love Money? as her fantasy man.

Shawn also reported that she’d dated Jeremy Piven.

Donald Trump said he was no fan of pit bulls.

Howard determined some of the Baba Booey Song Parody Contest finalists.
Artie laughed at Robin’s boat name: ?Right On Q.?

Howard played one of S.A.G.’s pre?recorded, guild?rallying phone messages featuring Sean Penn’s voice.

Artie told a story about Jennifer Esposito forgetting her lines on the set of ?The Bachelor.?

Howard noted that George Steinbrenner appeared at last night’s All?Star Game.

Howard wished K.C. Armstrong a happy birthday.Wednesday’s Show