Hay now! – The Howard Stern ShowTuesday,  July 15, 2008HAY NOW! The Howard Stern Show for July 15, 2008SARAH SILVERMAN IS SINGLEHoward started off the show noting the break-up of his friends Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman. Howard said the couple was supposed to come stay with him last weekend, but Jimmy called to cancel a few days before, explaining that he and Sarah were going through some tough times. Howard said he was so upset by the news, he had to take a walk. Jimmy told him that he felt like he’d lost his best friend, and via email, Sarah wished Jimmy all the best. Artie said he thought Sarah breaking up with Jimmy meant one thing: Jimmy’s show is close to being canceled.

Artie continued to speculate, saying it was possible that Jimmy wanted to get out there and enjoy the spoils of his success ? Sarah was only the second chick he’s ever dated. Howard refused to say what Jimmy had told him privately, but when he asked if there was any chance of reconciliation, Jimmy’s response led him to think it was really over.NOW’S YOUR (FAT) CHANCE, ARTIEHoward and Artie then began planning the questions they’d ask another of Sarah’s exes, Dave Attell, who’d be in later in the show. Howard asked Artie if he’d take a shot at Sarah now that she’s single, but Artie said no, he’d rather date Sarah’s sister, Laura, as he’s had a crush on her since a pot brownie-fueled night the three shared back in the 90s. Howard said he was now unsure if he should invite Jimmy or Sarah to his wedding, as he’s friends with both of them.RILEY MARTIN THREATENS TO LEAVE AGAINRiley Martin called in to say he planned to crash Howard’s wedding so he could trade squeezing-money-out-of-Howard tips with Beth. Robin noted that Riley had also threatened to leave the channel at the end of his current contract, but Riley’s explanation was the usual indecipherable idiom-jumble. Howard interrupted the crazy screed to say he supported Riley. An angry Riley shot back that Howard was a ?Jew bastard.?

Tim Sabean came in to tell Riley that he could leave his contract today. Riley resisted the deal, saying he didn’t want to end up in the poorhouse: ?Look, kid. I wish you well. F’ you very much. I will find a way. You have nothing other than my love.? Howard asked Riley if he wished to be done with the channels as of today, but Riley said he wouldn’t leave unless he was paid the remaining balance of his contract. Artie joked that if Riley could come down to the studio today, he could pay him out, as he surely had enough cash on him to pay out the remaining balance.THANKS, RALPH, FOR THE BEST STORY EVERHoward noted that the Batmobile was in upper Manhattan last night for ?The Dark Knight? premiere at Lincoln Plaza. Ralph called in to tell a story about trying to take a picture of it and being told to ?move along? by the car’s security detail. Howard asked Ralph what he did with the photos he takes with his iPhone, so Ralph explained that he had over 1600 pictures on the phone and no plans to erase them anytime soon.

Artie lamented the difficulty he has texting on his phone with his chubby fingers, but he was more upset with another texting-related issue: the abbreviations people use, like ?lol,? ?l8r? and ?2? instead of ?to.? Artie said, ?They’re all really gay. Teddy knows all of ‘em,? adding that the worst part was the smiley face he accidentally texted Tony Siragusa: ?I had no idea how it happened. I had to have my sister put a stop to it.? Howard then time-tested Artie’s thumbs, asking him to tap out ?The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain,? which took him two and a half minutes to complete.

Lisa G reported that Robin gave Jim Florentine a picture of herself to carry while he was in Afghanistan, and Robin admitted that the story was true. Robin said she also gave Jim a mix-tape of songs to listen to if he had trouble sleeping. Howard asked Robin what she wrote on the picture’s reverse, but she would only fess up to a ?good luck? message.

Amber Hay stopped by to promote the new Girls Gone Wild magazine, as she’s the covergirl for the magazine’s third issue. Howard asked how she got the covergirl job,

so Amber explained that she used to date Joe Francis, and he called her from jail to ask for her help with the magazine’s launch. Howard wondered if Amber was still sleeping with Joe, but she denied it: ?No, no. Not for a

while…It was energetic. It was great.? Howard wanted to know what Amber meant by ?energetic,? so she explained that he managed to give her an orgasm with basic vaginal penetration. Artie was impressed: ?I don’t think I’ve ever even been in the room when a girl had an orgasm.?

…BUT NOT EASYAmber told the crew a story about Jeremy Piven ?paying lots of attention? to her when she appeared on ?Entourage?: ?He came up to me and asked me to go over his lines with him…[but] he already had them memorized.? Howard asked Amber why she was turned off by him, and she was blunt: ?First of all, he’s short…[and] he got my number from my friend and left me like 200 messages.?

Howard wondered if any other celebrities had hit on Amber, and she was happy to call them out: ?[David Spade] said I was a six and he only dated tens. [The ?neg? approach] didn’t work.? Amber also said Kevin Connolly (?Entourage?) let her use his personal bathroom at a party, but when she came out, he was standing on his bed in boxers and playing the trumpet: ?I ran out of there.?DAVE ATTELL DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT SARAH SILVERMANDave Attell stopped by to promote his hosting gig on the new ?Gong Show? and told the crew that the show was the perfect rehab after his last show, ?Insomniac,? which was very alcohol-centric: ?I haven’t had a drink in six months.? Howard noted that Sarah Silverman claims Dave wasn’t a drunk when they dated, so Dave explained that he didn’t have any money back then. Dave also had a simple solution to Howard’s Jimmy-or-Sarah wedding invite dilemma: ?Two weddings. It works in every Ashton Kutcher movie.?

Howard speculated that Jimmy got bored with Sarah sexually and asked Dave if he had a similar experience, but Dave said no: ?She’s a very alive person. Is that what you think happened?? Howard evaded the question: ?Uh…I don’t know.? Dave covered for him: ?They’re probably working a lot. He has his show and she has her show.? Howard wondered if Dave ever compared notes with Jimmy: ?I didn’t…Every time I come in you talk about Sarah. What do I have to do? [What] if I found Bin Laden on that trip [to Afghanistan with Artie]??ARTIE ORDERS FOOD IN HIS SLEEPDave told a story about sharing a tent with Artie in Afghanistan and being woken by his tendency to order food in his sleep. Artie confirmed the claim: ?Dana and a couple of other chicks have said this to me [too].? Dave then quoted Artie’s dream (the quote

has been independently confirmed by Nick DiPaolo, who also shared the tent): ?Two burgers and a Dew!? Dave added, ?I thought he was gonna eat me.? Artie said the most surprising part of the story was that he doesn’t usually drink Mountain Dew.JD’S NEW HAIRCUTJD came in to share a clip that accompanied one of Robin’s news stories, starting off with ?I don’t know much about it…? Howard was miffed: ?If you don’t know much about it, why’d you come in here?? Howard then laughed at JD’s haircut, saying it looked like he hadn’t kept up the look Beth gave him during his makeover. JD explained that he got the ‘do from a Russian guy for ten bucks. Artie joked that that was exactly what it looked like. Nine British women were arrested for prostitution after taking part in an oral sex competition on a Greek beach.

Are you in a bro-mance?
Brett Favre wants to be released from the Packers.
Obama wants black people to be responsible.
McCain and Obama are squaring off.
Ah-nold is against offshore drilling.

The New Yorker has a controversial satiric cover.
Jesse Ventura now says he’s not running for one of Minnesota’s seats in the US Senate.

The transgendered man who gave birth has come under fire for endangering the child by subjecting it to hormone treatments.Artie took a stab at guessing what Dave Attell was being paid for hosting the new ?Gong Show
Artie noted that he got laid on his prom night at the Franklin Motel in Seaside Heights, New Jersey.

Lisa G reported that Bob Levy’s boxing match with Danny Bonaduce is a go.

Artie loved Amber Hay’s Lindsay Lohan-ish ?scotch voice.?

Everyone debated the details emerging from the Christie Brinkley-Peter Cook divorce
Howard marveled at the pictures of John Stamos’ bellybutton: ?At least there’s something on him that ain’t good-looking.?

Howard told Guy Ritchie to take the reported $100 million divorce settlement he’s been offered by Madonna.

The gang listened to Richard Roeper’s glowing review of ?The Dark Knight.?
Artie told a story about Dana directing a test shoot of his stand-up special: when he finally sat down to watch it, he was so moved by her attention to detail (and his act) that he cried.

Fred played some clips from ?The Shining? to prove how similar Eric the Midget’s voice was to Danny Torrence’s finger-punctuated ?Redrum? voice.

Artie noted that Sarah Silverman used to date Sam Seder.

Artie admitted to having a crush on Sarah’s sister, Laura.Tuesday’s Show

“Bozo the Clown” might announce his candidacy for the US Senate on tomorrow night’s “Larry King Live.”

“” is number one at the box office.

Artie started off the show noting that he threw an impromptu party at his beach house over the break, and other than Howard, almost everyone showed up. Robin laughed that Artie missed most of the party by taking a 2-hour-long shower, so Artie explained that he was hanging with his new ?friend? Jessica and ?having some fun in there.? Artie wasn’t the only one who had a good time ? Ralph took the opportunity to turn the invite into a 3-day stay.

Artie said he and Jessica hooked up in his bedroom during the party and he even managed some ?pretty-good-for-a-fat-guy maneuvers,? but he was bothered by the noises coming from the party downstairs ? particularly Robin’s laugh, as it made him paranoid that she was laughing at him. Robin remarked that she wasn’t laughing at Artie, though she was upset by the lack of vegetarian meal options.

War stories – The Howard Stern ShowMonday,  July 14, 2008WAR STORIES The Howard Stern Show for July 14, 2008ARTIE’S IMPROMPTU PARTY

Artie started off the show noting that he threw an impromptu party at his beach house over the break, and other than Howard, almost everyone showed up. Robin laughed that Artie missed most of the party by taking a 2-hour-long shower, so Artie explained that he was hanging with his new ?friend? Jessica and ?having some fun in there.? Artie wasn’t the only one who had a good time ? Ralph took the opportunity to turn the invite into a 3-day stay.

Artie said he and Jessica hooked up in his bedroom during the party and he even managed some ?pretty-good-for-a-fat-guy maneuvers,? but he was bothered by the noises coming from the party downstairs ? particularly Robin’s laugh, as it made him paranoid that she was laughing at him. Robin remarked that she wasn’t laughing at Artie, though she was upset by the lack of vegetarian meal options. BOOEY GOES TO WAR

Gary and Artie told the crew about their trip to Afghanistan over the break, starting with Artie’s sleeping habits: after the long flight, Artie fell asleep for two days. Gary said they had a pretty good time when Artie

finally woke up ? the comedians quickly tossed aside the USO decency restrictions and gave it their all. Jim Florentine tested the waters with some blue material, and once the others saw it kill, they went balls-out, ending with Dave Attell’s (no-masturbation-rule-breaking) joke about ?making love to a sock filled with shampoo.?

At their next location, bomb-alarms started up and the crew was ushered into bunkers. Artie noted the one of their escorts promised him that there was nothing to worry about…even if they were hit by a bomb, they would be instantly vaporized, so they would never feel a thing. Artie said he was glad that a painful death wasn’t in the cards. Howard said he was proud of the guys and what they did, but he didn’t want the show to turn into ?10 hours of war stories.?ARTIE FALLS OF THE WAGON AT BUBBAPALOOZA

Howard asked Artie how his performance at ?Bubbapalooza? went, so Artie recounted the lovefest that closed out the show. Artie added that it was a good time, but the funniest part was actually how the XXXL Mike Schmidt jersey that Bubba was wearing could’ve fit three Mike Schmidts. Artie also described his second favorite part: Bubba brought out an underwear-clad employee and beat him with a wiffleball bat.

Artie said he hadn’t realized it until just now, but he fell off the wagon at Bubbapalooza after a fan gave him a drink before his set. Howard was surprised that Artie could stay dry through the trip to Afghanistan and his own party only to give it all up in ? of all places – Atlantic City. Artie replied that the crowd had cheered him on, and he wasn’t behaving all that well to begin with: ?I [also] took a couple of puffs out of something they had there.?RALPH GETS BOOED

Howard said he heard that when Bubba tried to get Ralph to come onstage, the boos were deafening ? so much so that Ralph refused to come out from the wings. Ralph called in to confirmed the story: ?Bubba’s rap was ‘lets bring out Ralph so we can get all the boos out of the way.’? Later, Artie came to Ralph’s defense, noting that he hung out with Ralph over the break one-on-one and finally understood why Howard keeps him around. ERIC THE MIDGET DEFENDS GARY

Eric the Midget called in to defend Gary against a soldier who has claimed that Gary was rude to him in Afghanistan. Gary came in to explain that after the mortar attack, he called his family to tell them he was ok, and the guy approached him in the middle of talking to his wife. Gary added that put the call and hold and signed everything the guy wanted, but for some reason, the guy thought Gary had been short with him and posted a message about on SFN.

Eric then told the crew that ?more people than I could count? showed up to his ?meet and greet? at a WNBA basketball game in Sacramento. When pressed further, he eventually admitted that the number was around 50. Howard wondered if anyone bought tickets just to see Eric, but Eric couldn’t be sure, as the price for admission to the ?meet and greet? included a ticket to the game. Later, Steve Langford reported that Eric didn’t even show up at the ?meet and greet? until the last possible moment.DID AFGHANISTAN CHANGE ARTIE?

Artie told a story about firing a machine gun while in Afghanistan, laughing that he loved it so much, he lost count of how many rounds he shot: ?I didn’t want to stop.? Artie added that one of the Marines was a really funny black guy who messed with him the whole time: ?I asked him where the bathroom was, and he told me, ‘You’re standing on it.’? A caller asked if the trip inspired Artie to take better care of himself, but Artie said it had touched him in a different way: ?It gave me so much more faith in humanity…I just love this country way more [now].?PREPARE FOR ?WACK PACK BOWLING?

Jeff the Drunk called in to talk about HowardTV’s ?Wack Pack Bowling,? which filmed over the weekend. Jeff simply said, ?It was crazy, Howard.? Howard looked over the list of contestants and agreed that it must have been insane: Beet, AA, Nicole Bass, Maryann from Brooklyn, Joey Boots, Croix, Yucko and Siobhan. Howard laughed that Doug Goodstein told him the whole bowling alley smelled like piss and shit.

Howard noted that the latest allegations to emerge from the Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook divorce were Peter’s propensity for masturbating in full view of his Webcam. Gary came in to report a tip from Lisa G: JD used to be ?on? the Website that Peter Cook used to broadcast his private moments. JD came in to explain it was like a personals/online dating site, but for strictly sexual relationships, adding that he only had a profile on the site ?a long time ago? – before Webcams were integrated into the service (so no, he never saw Cook beat it).