song parodies, a performance from one of the Village People and an appearance from Jonah Falcon – the “Talkin’ Yankees” host with a very large penis who’s frequently the butt of Richard and Sal’s prank calls.

It’s official…and permanent – The Howard Stern ShowWednesday,  August 13, 2008IT’S OFFICIAL…AND PERMANENT The Howard Stern Show for August 13, 2008BENJY’S PRIVATE MEETINGHoward started off the show noting that Benjy wanted to have a private meeting with him, but he didn’t want it to happen. Benjy claimed he had something to tell Howard that was “even bigger than the last thing he told him” (a reference to the sort-of-famous-woman-with-a-connection-to-the-show that Benjy slept with a few weeks ago). Howard asked that Benjy just tell him in a note, and Benjy said that was fine for the other issue he wished to discuss (a raise), but he didn’t feel comfortable about writing down his main issue.HOWARD’S WEDDING TATTOO BANDHoward showed the crew his new “B” tattoo, and Artie said he loved the Old English script. Robin was surprised: “Hmm…It’s bigger than I thought it’d be.” Howard said he’d met up with Shanghai Kate, his tattoo artist, and

she insisted that he go bigger for some reason. Howard added that the big news is actually Beth’s impromptu “H” tattoo – on the inside of her wrist: “I was like, ‘Wow, maybe she really does love me.’”WHO WOULD HOWARD FIRE?Bobo called in to ask if Howard could ever fire any of his staff, and Howard confessed that he could not: “There’s someone I’d like to fire, but I just can’t do it.” The studio got strangely quiet after Howard’s confession, so Howard took the opportunity to tell Robin and JD it wasn’t them. Howard also remarked that it wasn’t Sal or Richard – in fact, he’s considered making them “employee of the month” in the past – but they haven’t turned in much material lately.
Richard came in to explain that he hadn’t turned in his more recent prank calls because Howard still hasn’t played their last prank call (even though Howard supposedly liked it). Howard told Richard that the material belonged to the show, not Richard, and would be played at his discretion. Howard then broke down and played the call in question – and later, the new ones.PREPARING FOR GEORGE TAKEI’S BACHELOR PARTYHoward announced that George Takei will be in next week, and to celebrate his upcoming nuptials, the show will be holding a bachelor party in his honor. The festivities are set to include a “Prettiest Penis” contest, naked Twister, a round of “Guess What’s In My Ass,” a bunch of gay wedding

song parodies, a performance from one of the Village People and an appearance from Jonah Hill – the “Talkin’ Yankees” host with a very large penis who’s frequently the butt of Richard and Sal’s prank calls.SAL’S GOT A THEORYGary came in to tell Howard that Sal had just “floated a theory” that his invite to Howard’s wedding subtly belied Howard’s desire for “something weird” to happen at the event. Howard was freaked out by the theory: “Sal, you’re crazy. I’m taking away the invitation. You won’t be allowed in.” Sal refused to hear it, shouting over Howard, “Don’t say it! I can’t hear it! I’m taking my headphones off! I can’t hear you!”

Gary then came in with an announcement: Beth had just sent him a one-line that read, “Please tell Sal to show some class and not show up to the wedding.” Sal said he felt bad for Howard, because he’s painted him into a corner where he must disinvite: “I apologize because I put you in a strange situation…I just went with a theory.” Howard replied that the wedding will be a big day for Beth, and he can’t allow Sal’s insanity to be present.K.C. IS A PRO DOWNGRADERHoward got K.C. Armstrong on the phone, but K.C. insisted on whispering because he was busy working as personal security for a pair of strippers: “Some of ‘em are pretty hot, too.” K.C. said his gig as a security guard was actually pretty high-risk: some “gangbangers” pulled guns on him the other day after they discovered that the strippers weren’t “full service.” K.C. confessed that he also worked as security for some escorts – and even sampled their services himself – as he’s trying to get out of debt.

Howard asked K.C. why he was arrested recently, so K.C. explained that it all began when his girlfriend accused him of throwing her to the floor. It was unclear how this was related to his arrest for “stealing” a rental car. K.C. said he was also working with a debt consolidation program to take care of his financial mistakes – like wasting $300,000 in online poker. Artie then promised to hook K.C. up with some comedy gigs in the near future.JEFF THE JESUS TWIN MOURNS HIS BROTHERJeff, one half of The Jesus Twins, called in to mourn the loss of his brother, Eric, remarking that he’d learned a lot about manic-depression over the last few years. Howard said he’d seen hints of Eric’s illness during his last appearance on the show: “He actually got a little violent. It was the first time I’d seen anything like that.” Jeff told the crew that Eric went through extreme manic episodes – once even trying to set his house on fire – and just last week began a meltdown of epic proportions, culminating with the showdown that took his life. BOB SAGET’S EDITED ROASTBob Saget stopped by to promote his upcoming Comedy Central Roast. Howard asked if Bob had some of the Olsen Twin jokes removed in the editing process, but Bob denied it: “I was upset about a couple of the lines…but I believe very much in the freedom of speech.” Bob cited Gilbert Gottfried’s “Ass-hurt” joke as a particularly offensive line and laughed that it was his own line that got cut: “I said, ‘I see Gilbert Gottfried, Susie Essman and Jon Lovitz. The dais would be a great line-up – if this was Auschwitz’…[Comedy Central] didn’t like that.”

Howard asked if Artie’s absence cast a pall over the Roast, but Bob confessed they just booked another fat comedian (Jeff Garlin from “Curb Your Enthusiasm”) in his stead. When asked about Artie’s “problems,” Bob thought Artie would listen to the show’s crew about his addiction before any of the Roast comedians, as “you guys spend four hours each day inside of each others’ heads.” Howard then decided it was time for Bob to lead an intervention. Artie’s voice then began to rise as he yelled that a real intervention required a mental health professional to be present.“DIRTY WORK 2”: COMING SOON!Artie said, “If you think I should be away at a facility for 30 days, maybe I should do that.” Howard asked if Artie’s therapist thought so, but Artie claimed he did not: “I’m choosing to listen to this guy.” Artie added that he

appreciated Bob’s concern (“He’s a real friend.”), so Bob claimed he didn’t deserve too much praise: “I said [at the Roast], ‘We’re shooting “Dirty Work 2” soon. Norm will film his part this fall, and Artie’s part will be filmed tomorrow…during the autopsy.’”HIGH PITCH MIKE TRANSFERS HIS ANGERHigh Pitch Mike came in to say he was foolish to think the staff essay contest (the prize: an invite to Howard’s wedding) was for real, and Howard apologized, saying he didn’t have enough seats. Mike replied that he was just a little insulted that his winning (and quite moving) essay entry was tossed aside – especially after he’d postponed a trip to his parent’s 40th anniversary party to attend Howard’s wedding – and the invite extended to Sal of all people.

Howard asked if Mike was now on better terms with Artie, and Mike confirmed the story, saying he was moved by Artie’s USO trip to Afghanistan and very human struggle with addiction: “He’s a good person. I see that.” Artie also said he and Mike apologized to each other yesterday. Mike laughed, “Now the only person I have to be angry with is Howard.” Howard again claimed he didn’t have the seats, but Mike knew better: “You have Sal’s.”THE OFFER OF A LIFETIMEMike repeated his claim that he’d just like to be a witness to the bond Howard and Beth share, as well as Howard’s

beautiful children: “I’ll never have that…No woman will ever find me attractive. With the eye, voice, baldness and skin issues – I’m a

genetic freak.” Gary offered Mike a free “date” with one of the Bunny Ranch’s girls, but Howard thought it would be better if Mike made a choice: “You want her or you want my wedding?” Mike thought long and hard: “Oh my god…S—t!…Alright, the wedding.” Two Nebraska wrestlers have been kicked off the team for posing for nude photos.

Half the population over the age of 85 is still interested in sex.
Yankees season tickets are going to be expensive.
Britney Spears has granted a new interview to OK Magazine.
Adam West may be on this season’s “Dancing with the Stars.”

A Tennessee man saved his son from a bear.
Some actor stabbed his girlfriend.

The Pope wears fur.

Some Chinese gymnasts might be underage.
Michael Phelps is the world’s greatest Olympic athlete.
Americans are saving money by visiting the doctor less.

The world’s tallest woman has died.

The Russia/Georgia conflict is ongoing, despite a signed ceasefire.

John McCain says we’re all Georgians.

Scarlett Johansson is in another Woody Allen movie.Jason KaplanHoward asked Bob Saget which Olsen Twin he liked most, so Bob said, “I love them both. I go alphabetically.”

Bob Saget remembered the late great Bernie Brillstein.

Artie and Bob reminisced about the filming of “Dirty Work.”
Artie said his 2 and a half hour therapy session yesterday went “great.”
Eric the Midget called in to complain that he wasn’t getting the opportunity to plug his web show and wish Johnny Fratto (and Johnny Fratto Jr.) a happy birthday.

Sal failed to properly define “biorhythms.”

Howard said he wanted to wipe Mike Tyson’s tattoo off his face.
Benjy admitted he was afraid of people who make decisions based on age.Wednesday’s Show

Photos by Jason Kaplan

Waxing the elephant (boy) – The Howard Stern ShowTuesday,  August 12, 2008WAXING THE ELEPHANT (BOY) The Howard Stern Show for August 12, 2008GET A GIRL, ARTIEArtie started off the show saying he talked with his addiction specialist yesterday and has a two-hour therapy session scheduled for today. Howard replied that he was thinking about life’s good influences yesterday after seeing his father put his arm around his mother: “That gives me hope.” Robin told a similar story about a happy old couple. Both stories seemed to be subtle hints that Artie needs to find someone who can be there for him.EVAN THE ENGINEER IS AN UNDERGROUND FIGHTERHoward noted that one of the show’s sound engineers, Evan, is not only a hardcore surfer, but also an “underground fighter.” An emailer even claimed to have seen the diminutive Evan fight a big black guy at a fight club and break the guy’s elbow – and kneecap. Evan came in to say the stories were just partly true: “When I was in California, I used to spar part-time, but nothing serious…I’ve only broken a guy’s arm…and elbow.” Howard was blown away, noting that Evan also was a champion weightlifter and once nearly made the Olympic Swim Team: “Are you Batman?”EVAN WILL KICK YOUR ASSHoward asked Evan if anyone in the room could take him, but Evan didn’t think so: “Not a chance…breaking a kneecap would be easy to do…it doesn’t matter how big you are.” Howard said he was surprised that Evan was so athletic, as he’s such a small guy, but Evan explained: “I’m ripped. I have, like, 3% body fat.” Evan lifted up his shirt to demonstrate, leading Robin to tell him that he shouldn’t wear a shirt to work.

Evan said his underground fighting past was “kind of like the movie…a fighter could make like $20-30 grand a night.” Evan said he could never make much money because the smaller fighters weren’t as popular: “It’s like the UFC. People don’t want to see the smaller guys fight.” Howard noted that Evan once jokingly threatened to break every bone in Jason’s body: “The whole phone system was down and Jason said the issue was always with the engineering staff, when it was the phone company.”RICHARD CHRISTY SHAVES HIS ENTIRE BODYRobin laughed that Richard Christy had shaved his head, and Howard said it was really odd: “He looks like Curly from the Three Stooges.” Richard came in to explain that he went to the barber shop the other day and enjoyed his hot shave so much that he asked them to shave his head as well: “I’m shaved everywhere. My eyebrows are the next to go.”

Howard got Sid Rosenberg, the host of HowardTV’s “Wack Pack Bowling,” on the phone to discuss the show and told him that Beth was so disgusted by the program, she had to leave

the room while they were watching it. Sid agreed, citing a moment when Siobhan rubbed her/his genitals on a bowling ball as a low point. Sid added that it was the only shoot he’s ever been to that provided bagels, coffee and 6 bottles of vodka (courtesy of Double A).

Tommy Chong stopped by to promote the Cheech & Chong reunion and told the crew it was great to be back with his old friend. Howard wondered what sparked the reconciliation, so Tommy cited his Cheech & Chong biography and Cheech’s recent divorce as the primary factors. Tommy added that their first rehearsals were just like old times – it felt like they’d only been apart for twenty minutes.

Robin asked how the two met each other in the first place, and Tommy said Cheech was draft-dodging in Canada at about the same time his “acting group” broke up: “We formed a band at first.” Artie remarked that he had heard Jack Nicholson was the inspiration for Cheech & Chong’s big hit, “Basketball Jones,” and Tommy confirmed it: Jack once erratically drove them to a Lakers game on the wrong side of the road, so the two started making up lyrics in the backseat to calm their nerves.

Tommy told the crew about the famous people he ran with back in the day, like Jimi Hendrix (“When I hung out with him, he was more of a junkie.”), Michael Jackson (“He was as big as you could get when he was that age…he never really moved on.”), Bob Dylan (“We played basketball…He tried to drive past me and I dumped him on his ass.”). Tommy also cited Redd Foxx and Steve Martin as the greatest comedians he’d ever seen: “[They] could build an audience up and bring ‘em down.”

Howard played some clips from yesterday’s Wrap-Up Show of Sal insulting Dominic Barbara. Sal came in to defend his statements, but before he could get started, Howard asked him what he got in the mail the other day. Sal revealed that Howard had sent him a wedding invitation, adding, “I definitely won’t turn it down.” Howard then explained why he’s friends with Dominic: “He’s interesting. [My friends] don’t have to be funny.” Howard continued, “I like Sal. But he’s an employee. I don’t have to be friends with him.”

ELEPHANT BOY IS LONELYFred the Elephant Boy stopped by to play “Wack Pack Waxing” and reported that he would soon turn 50 years old, adding that he was just 28 the first time he was on the show. Howard said he could already detect a hint of Elephant Boy’s legendary stench, and asked him where his girlfriend, Mary, was. Elephant Boy said she was in jail for [something about oxycontin addiction]: “She had carpal tunnel in both wrists.” Howard wondered if she didn’t like Elephant Boy and was just telling him she was in jail, but Elephant Boy claimed she was actually having a pretty bad time, having also lost her job and her house in addition to going to jail. WACK PACK WAXING ROUND 1

Howard then turned to Cleo, who would be waxing Elephant Boy today, and asked Fred what he thought. Fred said something like “She looks nice.” Howard then asked Fred a series of questions, promising a prize of $500 for each question he got right, and a painful waxing if he failed:

1. Name the wrestler who smacked 20/20 announcer John Stossel. “David Shultz.” Correct.

2. Who was the manager who negotiated Ric Flair’s move to the WWF? “Bobby ‘The Brain’ Heenan.” Correct.

3. Who did former WWE wrestler Brock Lesner beat in his first MMA match? “I don’t know mixed martial arts. I’m getting waxed.”

Elephant Boy stripped down, prompting a round of guffaws from the crew. Howard wondered if Cleo thought Elephant Boy’s penis was small, and she said “it is.” Elephant Boy defended himself half-heartedly: “I always say it’s

below average.” Cleo then “cleaned up the area” with a special spray and wipes, applied some wax, and tore away a strip of ass crack forestation. Artie was particularly disgusted, screaming in a high pitched voice: “Oh my geeah-ahd!”ROUND 24. Regis Philbin had his nose broken by which former WWE wrestler? “Stone Cold Steve Austin. To me, that’s something he’d do to Regis.” Correct.

5. Who was the first WWF champion? “Nature Boy Buddy Rogers.” Correct.

6. Who managed The Road Warriors? “Paul Adouin.” Correct.
…AND THE BONUS ROUND!

Sal came in with a bonus $100 question for Elephant Boy:

7. What is Brutus the Barber Beefcake’s real name? Correct. For a bonus $100.

Gary also offered up three more $250 questions, and Elephant Boy took them on:

8. In what year did Andre the Giant make his WWF debut? “1975.” Incorrect – 1973! Cleo turned her attention to Elephant Boy’s asshole, prompting a sharp “WAAH!” from the poor guy.

9. In Wrestlemania 2, who did Rowdy Roddy Piper fight in a boxing match? “Mr. T.” Correct.

10. What was the name of the pay-per-view event at which Owen Hart fell to death from the ceiling? “Unforgiven?” Incorrect – “Over the Edge”! Cleo then ripped another clump of hair from Fred.

Howard offered Fred one more question for a dollar, and he accepted:

11. What was Chris Canyon’s WCW name? “Mortis.” Correct, for a total of $3,101.There’s a black swimmer in the Olympics.
Michael Phelps has three gold medals so far.
Hayden Panettiere’s dad was arrested for punching her mom.
John Lennon’s murderer wants to be paroled.
Fat people aren’t necessarily at more risk for heart disease.
Tropic Thunder uses the R-word.
Guatemalan vacation sales plummet.

James Cameron is making a new movie.

Luke Wilson is starring in “Henry Poole Is Here.”

“Star Wars: The Clone Wars” looks dumb.

Extreme gamers play for more than 45 hours a week.Howard made fun of James Cameron’s post-”Titanic” resume.

Steve Langford reported that High Pitch Erik has been fired from his job at a law firm.

Howard said Kerri Walsh had a hot body.

Cleo the waxer claimed she’d never seen “Goldfinger.”
Tommy Chong cited “Born in East L.A.” as the project that broke up Cheech & Chong.

Artie referenced Gay Talese.

Howard told people to vote for Mike Morse’s bid to roast Matt Lauer.

Howard was impressed by how ripped Jake Gyllenhaal looked in this photo set.

Howard said he was blown away by John Edwards’ blatant lies on Nightline.Tuesday’s Show

Super good – The Howard Stern ShowMonday,  August 11, 2008SUPER GOOD The Howard Stern Show for August 11, 2008ARTIE RELAPSE REDUX

Robin started off the show noting how hard it was to wake up for work this morning, and Howard replied that Artie probably had a harder time. Artie said, “My plane crashed into the side of the mountain” over the break, explaining that he “fell off the heroin wagon” about seven weeks ago. Howard tried to keep things light, joking that he now knew why Artie went to Afghanistan: to be closer to the poppy fields. Artie replied that he’d actually been hanging out with the wrong crowd in Jersey “and one thing led to another and I ended up with heroin.”

Artie said his relapse was triggered by a night out drinking – a night in which he skipped his Subutex dose – and when he was drunk at the end of the night, he was offered heroin. Artie bought a couple bags for $40. After he returned from Afghanistan, he scored again. Howard was surprised: “This is dark, bro.” Artie agreed, noting that he was saved when his mom and sister began suspecting he was in the middle of a relapse – and when Richard Lewis called him up out of the blue to recommend an addiction doctor/specialist who saved his life.RICHARD LEWIS, LIFESAVER

Artie continued, saying he was supposed to see Springsteen the night of the last live show and then head to LA for the Bob Saget roast, but he blew off the concert and began going through withdrawl the morning of the roast. The roast’s producer offered to fly him to LA on a private jet – with a medic on board – but when he alluded to what was going on, they changed the offer to a car to the hospital. Artie turned them down, checked himself into rehab and called the doctor that Richard Lewis recommended. Things have been improving ever since. CAPTAIN UNDERPANTS RETIRES

Dominic Barbara called in to tell the crew how his boat blew up over the weekend, and he had to be rescued (in his underwear for some reason) by the Coast Guard. Howard laughed that Dominic’s boat has been a nightmare every time he’s been on it: “Stay away from the boats…you’re a land-lover, man.” Dominic agreed, saying he was done with boats. Robin wondered what happened to Dominic’s pants, so the marble-throated lawyer explained that he wasn’t doing anything sexual – he just wanted to relax while piloting his boat at night.CHIT CHATTING CO-WORKERS

Howard got “Oprah” (actually Lisa Lampanelli) on the phone to celebrate the merger. Among other things, “Oprah” said she wanted to “wrap her meat curtains around the Sybian,” pleasure herself with a rolling pin and bond with Robin, as they’re both burdened with pendulous breasts. “Oprah” also claimed she was the “top” in her relationship with Gayle King: “Me, of course…I strap it on.” “Oprah” then said she had some old pants to give Artie – and also expressed a desire to wear LeBron James’ testicles as earrings. As she said goodbye, “Oprah” further dazzled the crew by briefly tapping her “enormous clit” against her phone’s receiver. HOWARD’S WEDDING TATTOO

Howard told the crew he would be getting his wedding tattoo – a “B” on his ring finger – tomorrow and wondered if the “B” should face up or down. Howard said he was leaning toward “down” so the public would be able to read it. Howard asked if the crew thought the tattoo was a mistake, and Fred was the only one to raise his hand, citing the “18 month rule,” a rule of thumb about the length of time left in your relationship after you get a tattoo of your partner’s name. LISA G INVESTIGATES ARTIE’S RECENT MISHAPSLisa G reported that the staff still had a few questions about Artie’s revelation, and asked if he was on heroin when:

1. He recently called in sick because his air conditioning unit had given him a “tickle in his throat”? Artie confirmed that he was.

2. He fell and hit his eye on the corner of his dresser? Artie said yes.

3. He fell while getting dressed and busted a huge hole in his wall? Artie again said yes.SETH ROGEN IS ONE RICH STONER

Seth Rogen stopped by to promote “Pineapple Express” and said he was happy with the film’s success, as its box office take over the first weekend nearly covered its break even point. Howard asked if Seth smoked a lot of weed, and Seth admitted he did: “Like every day in high school.” Howard told Seth that two of the female interns had battled over the privilege of handing him his release forms, so Seth admitted it was “weird” to be sex symbol: “I watch a lot of porn…now it’s weird, ’cause they’ve become so attainable.”

Howard noted that Katherine Heigl had spoken out against “Knocked Up” since its release, and Seth expressed surprise: “I think she just likes to, um, talk.” Seth told the crew about writing and starring in the upcoming production of “The Green Hornet” and said he’d be working on the script with his writing partner, Evan (“He’s just some Jew I went to high school with.”): “I’m trying to lose weight…you have to believe I can do physical activity.”