The best of the week august 18 – 21 – The Howard Stern ShowFriday,  August 22, 2008THE BEST OF THE WEEK AUGUST 18 – 21 The Howard Stern Show for August 22, 2008TUES: The Staff Karaoke Contest THE STAFF KARAOKE CONTEST

Howard welcomed Staind to the studio to be the backing band for [...]

Dave stewart is the man – The Howard Stern ShowThursday,  September 4, 2008DAVE STEWART IS THE MAN The Howard Stern Show for September 4, 2008DR. PHIL JUNIOR CANCELSHoward started off the show noting that Dr. Phil’s son, Jay McGraw, canceled his appearance late last night – probably after catching hell from his dad. Artie said he once hung out with Jay when Phil co-starred on an episode of “The Norm Show.” Phil brought Jay to the set – along with Jay’s smokin’ hot girlfriend. Howard replied that Artie’s story checked out, as the kid was actually married to one of the infamously hot Dahm triplets.ARTIE’S ASSISTANT QUITSArtie reported that his latest assistant quit, but wouldn’t give a specific reason: “She had just gone through a personal thing and it was a lot of work for her. I was very nice, believe me – she would yell at me!” Artie explained that she was really affected by his “heroin crash”: “She was really sad about that.” Artie laughed that she finally burned out during the rush to finish his book, adding that his agent was irate: “He yelled, ‘How am I supposed to get shit to you now?’”BETH’S NO-SEX MARATHON TRAINING REGIMENFred asked Howard if Beth’s marathon training regimen left her too tired to have sex, and Howard admitted it had: “I said, ‘I support you in this, but it’s really debilitating…she did a 15 mile run last week…afterward, she’s drinking 15 cups of coffee to stay awake.” Howard added that last night, Beth couldn’t even stay awake through “America’s Got Talent”: “And we love that show…I had to put the dog to bed. She couldn’t even get out of bed.” ERIC THE MIDGET SHOWS (ANOTHER) WEAKNESSEric the Midget called in to say he was wrong yesterday: the photos of him posing with the snake in Vegas probably weren’t the best idea, as – according to Eric – a snake expert has confirmed that the snake was “in attack mode.” Eric also said that Johnny Fratto claimed he wanted to buy the snake to release in Eric’s apartment and then film the whole thing, which Howard thought would be something he wanted to see. Later, Eric called back to scream at Howard for hanging up on him: “You don’t ever let me finish!” Howard said he didn’t have the time: “Eric, I’ve got a guest…I’ve gotta go. I really do.” JERRY O’CONNELL GETS TWINSJerry O’Connell stopped by to say he still suffers fan retribution for losing Celebrity Superfan Challenge: “I’ll be walking down the street and people will yell, ‘You suck, O’Connell!’” Howard asked Jerry if he was having twins with Rebecca Romijn, and he confirmed it: “Two girls…or two boys with really small genitalia.” Robin wondered if Jerry expected his children to be a little chubby when they’re younger like he was, but he didn’t think so.

Jerry revealed that he gets to name one of the twins and Rebecca the other: “She’s going with Dolly, after Dolly Parton…I’m thinking Cher.” Howard asked Jerry about Rebecca dictating his television watching habits, so Jerry went on the defensive: “If I were by myself, I would probably watch something else, but I don’t mind watching ‘Dancing with the Stars.’” Howard tried investigating the reasons why Jerry and Rebecca won’t be attending his wedding, but Jerry couldn’t really say: “You’re putting me in an awkward position here.”

Howard said Jerry should try pressuring Rebecca to let him attend the wedding, as she couldn’t be cruel enough to punch him out again – and then played a clip from the Wrap-Up Show in which Jerry discussed the incident, in which a drunk and hysterical Rebecca punched him out for golfing when he said he was elsewhere. Jerry explained: “I would [defend myself], but I’m afraid of getting punched again. I’m kidding! I’m kidding, honey. She’s listening in her car right now and punching the steering wheel.”

Howard asked Jerry about his sex life since Rebecca became pregnant, and Jerry replied that it had definitely slowed down in the first trimester. Howard wondered if Rebecca could at least jerk him off, but Jerry admitted that he’s tried unsuccessfully: “I inquired about that.” Jerry said he makes up for the lack of sex by masturbating three times a day to pornography featuring close-ups of vaginas. Everyone was freaked out by Jerry’s preference for vagina close-ups, but Jerry shrugged it off: “That’s what I like.” A caller asked if Jerry ever tried to tittie-f’ Rebecca, and Jerry confessed that he had: “I asked. I don’t think it’s gonna happen.”

PLEASE DON’T FEED THE BEETHoward played a clip of a drunk and belligerent Beetlejuice freaking out on tour with the Killers of Comedy. Robin asked why Beetlejuice was given booze, so Gary explained that the Killers actually ask the audience not to give Beet booze, but there’s always someone who doesn’t listen. Howard then played another clip of Beet smashing a glass and demanding to go home. DAVE STEWART SHAVES IT ALLDave Stewart of the Eurythmics stopped by to promote his new clothing line and told the crew he recently shaved off all his body hair. Dave said his clothing line will include several accessories, like phones and vibrators, and presented Howard with one of his gold vibes: “It’s the most powerful.” Howard was appreciative: “Thank you. I’m going to shove this right up my ass.” Dave added that his clothing line also featured other “erotic” items, like lingerie.

Howard asked Dave about his relationship with Annie Lennox, and Dave was forthright: “We lived together for four years and broke up and then wrote 250 songs about it.” Dave said Annie was not, as you’d expect, crazy in bed – though he was: “[My friends and I used to] just sort of touch our penises together…it’s hard to explain if you’ve never, well, you’ve never experienced it.” Dave added that the sick act wasn’t the dirtiest thing he’s ever done – he’s also bedded Stevie Nicks.HE PLAYS A MEAN VIBRATORDave then brought in a couple of models, Jackie and Angie, to show the crew his clothing line. Howard was particularly impressed with Angie’s outfit: “That might be the sexiest dress I’ve ever seen.”

Dave also told the crew that his platinum vibrators aren’t normal vibrators – they’re tuned to a specific harmonic vibration. To prove his claim, he played “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” with the vibrator.

Howard got Mike Walker from the National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play “The Gossip Game,” in which Mike reads four gossip items – three (allegedly) true, one false – and the crew has to guess the fake. Mike then read this week’s stories:

1. Katherine Hiegl paid a fisherman to throw a yellowfin tuna back in the water.

2. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are considering a new Sonny-and-Cher-style post-divorce television show.

3. Leonardo DiCaprio paid a fellow gas station customer’s bill.

4. Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow are investing in technology that can turn dirty diapers into diesel fuel.

Howard thought the Madonna story was ridiculous, and everyone else picked the Katherine Hiegl story as the fake. Mike then announced that Howard was right.

David Spade and Jillian Grace have had a baby girl.

Beware dense breast tissue.
Oprah’s mom owes a department store $150,000.
Mackenzie Philips has entered rehab for the tenth time.
Male marmosets are calmed by the smell of their babies.

A woman who microwaved her baby was spared the death penalty.

A Florida man stabbed a duck to death outside a restaurant.
Baby-napping is on the rise.
Some guy raped an 8-day-old baby.
Sarah Palin accepted the Republican nomination for vice-president.

Vin Diesel is starring in “Babylon A.D.”

Tyler Perry has a new movie coming out.Steve Langford reported that, according to his sources, today is Benjy’s 41st birthday.

Mike Walker mentioned The National Enquirer’s story on Sarah Palin’s roving eye.

Dave Stewart referenced Coronation Street.

Dave promoted “Deep Stew,” his new venture with Deepak Chopra.

Ralph lusted after pictures of Anyelika “Angie” Perez, one of Dave’s models.

Dave Stewart noted that he wrote Tom Petty’s “Don’t Come Around Here No More” after hearing Stevie Nicks say it to Joe Walsh.

Howard referenced this story
Lisa G reported that Richard Christy will be co-starring in “Lights, Camera, Dead.”

Artie said the Palin family looked like pilgrims.Thursday’s Show

Dave stewart is the man – The Howard Stern ShowThursday,  September 4, 2008DAVE STEWART IS THE MAN The Howard Stern Show for September 4, 2008DR. PHIL JUNIOR CANCELSHoward started off the show noting that Dr. Phil’s son, Jay McGraw, canceled his appearance late last night – probably after catching hell from his dad. Artie said he once [...]

Can he stump the booey? – The Howard Stern ShowWednesday,  September 3, 2008CAN HE STUMP THE BOOEY? The Howard Stern Show for September 3, 2008SARAH PALIN WILL HUNT YOU FROM THE SKYHoward started off the show noting that John McCain’s running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, is a proponent of aerial wolf hunting; a practice which involves [...]

Can he stump the booey? – The Howard Stern ShowWednesday,  September 3, 2008CAN HE STUMP THE BOOEY? The Howard Stern Show for September 3, 2008SARAH PALIN WILL HUNT YOU FROM THE SKYHoward started off the show noting that John McCain’s running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, is a proponent of aerial wolf hunting; a practice which involves flying around in plane until you spot a wolf, chasing it until it’s exhausted – and then leaning out of the plane and shooting it with a rifle. Artie joked that it must be different: “People don’t realize that in Alaska, they have flying wolves.” Later, Ben Stern called in to say Palin was insufficiently vetted by the McCain campaign: “I think there was a mistake.” THE WACK PACK WEIGHS INA caller said Howard’s statements about killing retard babies were Nazi-esque, but Howard shot back that he never said to kill them: “I said to get an abortion…you wouldn’t have any clue how difficult [raising a retarded baby] is.”

Howard added that the caller, who was 54 and had no children of his own, would never make the decision to keep a retarded baby: “A regular baby is a full-time job. A retarded baby is a full-time job times ten to the fourth power…you don’t even know the realities.”

Gary agreed: “Taking care of a normal, mentally healthy child is a difficult thing. I don’t know if I have the time to [raise a retard baby].” Howard then played a few clips of Wack Packers responding to Sarah Palin’s candidacy: Wendy the Retard said she was a good role model because her daughter was pregnant; Jeff the Drunk said, “It’s between her and a n—-r and I don’t care”; and Bigfoot said something…we’re just not sure what.ERIC THE MIDGET LOVES SNAKES, RETARDSEric the Midget called in to say he agreed with the previous caller: “If my mom had listened to [the doctors], she would’ve never had another son. They said if she had another son, he would’ve probably come out like me, but he didn’t.” Eric added that he hoped the same people who picketed “Tropic Thunder” for its retard jokes would now protest the Stern show, but Howard asked what exactly they’d be picketing: “That I’m being honest?”

Eric then complained about Johnny Fratto’s photographer taking pictures of his fingers during his trip to Vegas. Johnny called in to explain that the photographer was just trying to take pictures of the snake wrapped around Eric’s shoulders. Howard told Eric that he loved the photos, but Eric angrily replied: “They suck! The photos that you’ll get [soon] are way f’ing better.”BATTLE OF THE SOFT BODIESA caller wondered if High Pitch Mike or JD was in better shape, so the gang debated the question. Howard thought JD was developing a pair of “moobs” (man boobs) and quite a belly: “He will never take his shirt off in public.” JD came in to say Howard was right. Howard demanded that JD try to flex his arm to show a little bicep, and Robin laughed at JD’s efforts: “His bicep went under his arm…you’re a young man. You could work out a little bit.” Later in the show, High Pitch Mike came in to show off his own physique: “I’d say we’re probably equal. He’s got a gut, I’ve got a gut.” Howard had the two both strip down: “I think [Mike] might be better.”DON’T FORGET THE LYRICS

Gary presented Howard with some song clips so he could try his hand at the game Gary played during his appearance on “Don’t Forget the Lyrics.”

The first song was David Bowie’s “Young Americans.” Howard thought the missing lyric was “All right, they were the young Americans.” The correct line was “It took him in, it took her nowhere.”

The next song was Norman Greenbaum’s “Spirit In the Sky.” Howard thought the next lyric was “You gotta have a friend named Jesus.” The correct line was “You gotta have a friend in Jesus.”

The next song was Simon & Garfunkel’s “59th Street Bridge Song.” Howard thought missing lyric was “You gotta get your morning going.” The correct line was “I’ve come to get your flowers growing.”

Robin tried her hand at The Temptations’ “I Heard It Through the Grapevine.” Robin couldn’t guess the missing lyric, so Artie cut in, as he knew it was “I know a man ain’t supposed to cry, but these tears I can’t hold inside.” Artie for the steal!

A caller tried the last song, David Bowie’s “Moonage Daydream.” Howard guessed the missing lyric was “Put your arms into the air.” The correct line was “And I’m busting up my brains for the words.”

Artie sang along to the Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” Artie knew the missing lyric was “At her feet was a footloose man.”

Artie also gave Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” a shot and knew the missing lyric was “Dancing in the sand.” BEAT THE BOOEYHoward welcomed Mark to the studio to play “Beat the Booey,” as well as Gabrielle, a 21-year-old Long Island bartender who will get naked if Mark loses. Gabrielle

reported that she was bi-sexual, and in fact had a girlfriend at 16 – at least 8 months before she was ever with a guy. Howard asked what women did better than men,

and Gabrielle said oral sex: “Be flat with your tongue. Not pointy.” Gary was confused: “[I've] learned nothing.” Howard then told the guys to put their hands on their buzzers and prepare for the questions:

How many children does Howard have? Gary: 3.

Name Howard’s first wife. Gary: Allison.

Where did Howard’s mother take his temperature? Mark correctly answered with “rectum.”

What breed is Howard’s current dog? Gary: Bulldog.

Who won the boxing match between Stuttering John and Cabbie? Mark: John.

On what sitcom did Artie co-star before joining the show? Mark: The Norm Show.

Who does JD hate most? Gary: Jared Fox.

In what game to contestants match their wits against Fred? Mark: Win Fred’s Money.

What is Scott the Engineer’s last name? Mark: Salem.

Which staffer is usually welcomed to the studio with techno music? Gary: JD.

What was the name of the Website Jon Hein sold to TV Guide? Gary: Jump The Shark.

Which former Hell’s Angel hosts a show on Howard101? Gary: Chuck Zito.

Ivy Supersonic recently dated which staffer? Gary: Benjy.

In 2006, which wife of a rock legend let Howard feel her boobs? Neither contestant knew it was Sharon Osbourne.

Which porn star was the prize in the first Mexican Delivery Game? Neither contestant knew it was Savanna Samson.

Which advertiser did Howard mention on his most recent Letterman appearance? Neither contestant knew it was No-Doro.

Which game show host confessed to Howard that he suffered from OCD? Gary: Howie Mandel.

What famous star made a cameo appearance in “Private Parts?” Gary: Ozzy Osbourne.

Crazy Alice is half-black and half what? Mark: Italian.

Robin infamously confessed to masturbating with what types of food? Mark: Meat and vegetables.

Which staffer caught hell for posing his daughter in Howard’s chair? Gary: Doug Goodstein.

When is Artie’s birthday? Neither contestant knew it was October 11th.

How old was Kenneth Keith Kallenbach when he died? Neither contestant knew he was 39.

Which Stern show roast comedian once had sex with a cat? Gary: Colin Quinn.

Katie Lee Joel brought in what food for Artie? Neither contestant knew it was chocolate chip cookies.

On what talk show did Howard’s mother make an appearance? Gary: The David Brenner Show.

What kind of motorcycle is Fred’s favorite? Mark: Triumph.

What publisher released Quivers: A Life? Gary: Regan Books.

Larry King once called Howard the __?__ for the ugly team? Neither contestant knew the missing word was quarterback.

Gary won! Howard then dropped the curtain to reveal a nude Gabrielle and asked her which person in the studio creeped her out the most. Gabrielle looked around at all the eyes on her and decided she had too many options: “Hmm…it’s hard to tell.” GANGE SINGS ALONGHoward played a clip of Gange singing along to songs during the crew’s trip to Robin’s birthday party at Artie’s shore house. Artie responded that if he’d heard the clips before Gange arrived, he wouldn’t have let him in. Howard noted that High Pitch Mike and Tracey were also in the car, which led Artie to wonder where Steve Grillo was: “Tied up in the trunk?” ROBIN MAKES A DATEA caller asked if Robin had been in contact with the guy who came in before the vacation to ask her out, and Robin said she had: “He texted me once before I left [for California] to wish me a nice vacation and I haven’t got around to

calling him now that I’m back.” Howard asked if she planned to actually call the guy, and Robin promised she would: “Yes, I will…you know Gregg [the Cameraman] and I are now fighting because of all this.” Jon Bon Jovi is charitable.
Tiger Woods is fertile.
Sarah Palin is controversial.

And people are betting against her.
John McCain isn’t a very good pilot.
George Clooney is campaigning for Obama.
Joe Lieberman is a member of the McCain camp.
Fred Thompson is too.

The Williams sisters are playing one another in the US Open Women’s Quarter-Finals.
Nicholas Cage is in “Bangkok Dangerous.”Steve Langford reported that K.C. Armstrong was still homeless.


Howard noted that Don LaFontaine is dead.

Howard played a clip of Jerry Lewis singing “Mammy” on his most recent telethon.

Jon Hein confessed that his celebrity crush was the girl who plays the intern on “30 Rock.”

Robin referenced “Shadow of the Vampire.”

Howard said Piers Morgan was the only good judge on “America’s Got Talent.”Wednesday’s Show

It’s an artie party – The Howard Stern ShowTuesday,  September 2, 2008IT’S AN ARTIE PARTY The Howard Stern Show for September 2, 2008BEER PONG WITH IVANKA

Howard started off the show confirming a report that he had been spotted playing beer pong with Ivanka Trump at Billy Joel’s house this past weekend. Howard explained how he had bet Beth that he could have a good time at the party without hanging with her or wanting to leave early, so he went off on his own and ended up playing beer pong with Ivanka. Howard played with tequila shots instead of beer and got way too buzzed: “I suck at parties…the room was spinning. I didn’t know what the f’ was going on.” Howard said he was sober enough to learn a bit of gossip: Ivanka was so excited to hang with Howard, she had a friend secretly take photos of their match so she could show them to her father. Howard said he also ran into the party’s host, Billy Joel, who didn’t seem to be having a good time: “He was more excited to see Beth. Everyone’s always more excited to see Beth.”RALPH EVEN MAKES HIMSELF SICK

Howard noted that his time in the Hamptons also ended Ralph’s permanent invite: “I told Ralph he could come for two days. You have to tell him the exact amount of time…I sat him down and told him, ‘I love ya but you’re really hard to have as a houseguest.’” Ralph promised to behave, so Howard invited him out – but when the three went to dinner, Ralph ate and drank like a madman finally crashing in a guestroom, where he ended up vomiting everywhere…in his sleep.

Howard added that at one point he went looking for his dog the next morning and found a fully-nude Ralph sleeping facedown in his own vomit on the bed: “I saw his asshole. It was disgusting.” Later, Ralph called in to defend himself, “I didn’t gorge…I didn’t shit the bed…I was blacked out. I don’t remember it.” Howard told Ralph that he’d ruined about $1,500 worth of bed linens, so Ralph promised to pay Howard back. Howard, however, didn’t want to hear it: “Just don’t come back.”ARTIE THROWS A CLASSY BASH

Artie told the crew about his weekend, which centered around a birthday party he threw for Robin at his shore house: “I threw [what was pretty much] a small wedding.” Artie’s party down the shore was a big event: Fred and Robin were there, a caterer was called, a bar was carved out of ice – running a tab of about $40,000. Robin laughed that Artie even had a cake in the shape of a boat with the name of her boat written on the back and ice sculptures made out of photos of Robin.

JD came in to say he had to drive down to Robin’s party with Tracey, High Pitch Mike and Jared Fox, adding that he didn’t say a word to Jared the whole trip down. Artie

laughed that a shirtless Jared was riding around on a jet ski “like a superhero” at the party while JD just stood around watching –

because he couldn’t swim. JD admitted he was a little jealous: “I wish I looked like that.” Later, Howard got a look at Artie’s date for the party: “She’s gorgeous.” Artie said he met the girl on the road, and though she’s otherwise perfect, she has two kids.

Richard came in to tell the crew about the filming of “Wack Pack Weekend” at his parents’ place

in Kansas, laughing that Gary the Retard was so irritable during the taping, he just said “f’ you” to everyone the entire time. Richard added that he was bruised from Gary’s way-too-hard back slaps – and still reeling from his first haunted house visit of the year.

ERIC THE MIDGET DOES VEGAS

Eric the Midget called in to talk about his weekend in Vegas, but before he could start, Howard said he was really freaked out by the photos he’d seen of Eric’s trip, the most bizarre of which was of him in a strip club next to a stripper wrapped in a huge snake. Eric corrected Howard: “That wasn’t a strip club. It was an arena…[and] she was an erotic magician, not a stripper.” Artie laughed so hard at the pictures of Eric in his Hawaiian shirt and gold chains, he couldn’t speak. Howard then promised Eric that the show would never call him Eric the Midget again if he willed his body to the show. Eric, of course, refused. BENJY’S LIFE OF MYSTERY

Benjy reported that he nailed a couple women over the vacation: “There was [another] chick I talked to last night who’s a nationally-known model, but she wanted me to bring over some coke and I don’t do that…It’s what a lot of chicks on there late-night are looking for.” Benjy added that one of the girls was well known and “kind of scary.” Howard asked for her name, so Benjy wrote it down. Howard was blown away: “Wow…what?” Benjy said, “You’ve definitely seen this person on TV.”

Steve Langford reported that Artie fell off his jet ski a couple times at his party, and Artie confirmed the story. Robin laughed that she never saw the mishaps, but she heard he nearly got stuck underneath his dock at one point. Artie said he actually fell off about five times, explaining how one time he was leaning over to hear what some chick on another watercraft was saying to him. Howard asked if Artie had a bathing suit on, but Artie said no – he was wearing a t-shirt.