STEPHEN STILLS IS EASY

Stephen Stills stopped by to promote his new album, “Live at Shephard’s Bush,” and Howard asked him about his songwriting process. Stephen shrugged: “They kinda just show up. These days I sit down and start typing.” Stephen went on to remark that his CSN partners were fame hungry: “I work with the two biggest camera hogs in the world.” Howard wondered if Stephen thought of himself as the leader of the band, and Stephen nodded: “I was.” Robin asked when he lost control, and Steven explained: “When Crosby got sober.”

Stephen complained about a variety of topics, including illegal piracy and music downloading: “Stealing has become a national pastime.” Neil Young: “Being difficult is part of his personality. [Howard] would understand him perfectly.” His biggest hit, “Love the One You’re With”: “If I’m remembered for anything, I’d like a lot of other songs to be it.” And later – after performances of “Midnight Rider,” “Treetop Flyer” and “Love the One You’re With” – opined about singing before noon: “And that is why you don’t play music at 8 in the morning.”

STEPHEN ON THE GREATS
Howard questioned Stephen about being asked to be in the Jimi Hendrix Experience, so Stephen explained he’d endeared himself to Jimi by “being easy” and called Jimi “the best.” Stephen added that his management withheld the message: “I was in Hawaii…Jimi and I had been thinking about this over in London for a while. But they didn’t pass on the message.” Stephen added that the reason they didn’t this was that the manager didn’t want to break up CSN. Howard wondered if Stephen would’ve taken the job and Stephen snapped: “Hell yeah!”

Stephen later denied ever being in love with Joni Mitchell (”No. Well, I mean I love her but I was never in love with her.”) or ever being heavily into drugs: “Opinions vary. I managed myself pretty well.” Stephen confessed that he did have a drinking problem at one point and also told the crew that – despite their fears – it was still possible to have an orgasm after having his prostate removed: “Well, it’s a different kind of coming, but yeah.”

ROSIE O’DONNELL IS SCARRED, FUNNY

Rosie O’Donnell stopped by to talk about her new Sirius XM radio show – on Channel 102 – and revealed that, like Artie, she had was disturbed by outliving a parent: “My mother died when she was 39 and that was a big reason why I left my [TV] show [when she was 39].” Rosie said most people who lose a parent early in life believe – like Artie – they wouldn’t surpass the same age.

Rosie launched into an amazingly revealing confessional account of her childhood, best summarized by this quote: “There were other issues with my dad, which is needless to say.” Howard asked if Rosie was careful not to let her kids into her sadness, but Rosie said the opposite was true: “I tell them everything…I’m funny, so that helps.” Rosie cited George Takei as a fellow funny-person: “Artie, you better not get sick anymore because that guy’s f’ing funny.”

ROSIE ON “HEAVY-HITTER LESBOS”

Howard asked Rosie if she planned to start dating famous lesbians now that she’s most likely going to be single, but Rosie blew it off: “I don’t even think of dating to tell you the truth. With some heavy-hitter lesbo?” Howard listed Lindsay Lohan as a potential candidate, so Rosie explained her “anti-fame” dating rule: “Way too young…you’re not allowed to be famous if I date you.” Rosie also claimed she’d never be interested in stealing Portia de Rossi from Ellen Degeneres: “I have an anti-fame rule!”

ROSIE: THE LANGE FAMILY THERAPIST

Rosie told Artie she wanted to talk with his mom and sister: “I want to talk to them about how it is to love you.” Artie laughed: “I don’t think they know!” Rosie also said she once had a crush on Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling’s ex-wife, Nancy: “I tried very hard to be friendly with her. I had a huge crush on Nancy.” Rosie also revealed she once turned down a dinner invitation from Angelina Jolie: “First of all I was not single…also I was a little afraid of her. She’s a little scary.”

BIGFOOT HAS A GIRLFRIEND IT IS

Bigfoot stopped by to promote some Halloween party he was hosting at a bar in NYC and reported that he’d both lost weight and landed himself a girlfriend: “She likes my big cock it is. It makes her cum a lot.” Bigfoot added she nearly out-sized him: “She’s about 6′4″ too. Real attractive. She’s about as skinny as a fence-pole.” Bigfoot continued bragging about his sexual prowess: “When I go into her I go down and deep it is.”

Howard had his suspicions about Bigfoot’s giant girlfriend: “She’s definitely a female right?” Bigfoot claimed to have seen evidence: “I checked this one out. She definitely has a pussy.” Bigfoot then complained about being harassed by his neighbors in Vermont “because I’m so big and popular on the Howard Stern Show it is.”

BIGFOOT IS NOT AN ALESTER

Bigfoot told the crew he had two court courses pending – one for spitting on someone who was “trying to rip my door handle off” and another for giving a cigarette to a 14-year-old: “I sell cigarettes all the time up there it is.” Howard asked if Bigfoot thought he was competent to stand trial, and Bigfoot snapped: “I don’t think so.” While discussing the cigarette case, Bigfoot began ranting: “I’m not an ‘alester.’ I don’t ‘alest’ every girl I see it is. I just let ‘em offer what they want…I’d rather jerk off…I’m about the honestest person alive it is.” He also brought one of his friends from Vermont with him and introduced the crew to Jannon, who is a 24 year old mother of two. Howard asked Jannon if she was ever worried about Bigfoot “alesting” her, but Jannon just laughed and said that he was a giant teddy bear.

RONNIE THE THREATENING LIMO DRIVER

Later on in the Wrap-Up Show clip, Ronnie railed against JD: “He’s very angry at people. He has major issues with everybody.” Howard laughed: “That sounds more like Ronnie.” Ronnie then came in to add to his comments: “I will destroy this f’ before he’s done…I’m gonna get something on him. I’m gonna watch him wherever he goes.”

Ronnie insisted he wasn’t threatening JD: “I’m not making a threat. I’m just telling him I will destroy him, that’s all.” Robin laughed: “Ronnie, do you understand what a threat is?” Howard hoped Ronnie wasn’t going through menopause, and Ronnie sarcastically replied that he was: “Yes. Man-opause.”

JD APPROVES RONNIE’S B-DAY PARTY

While he was in-studio, Ronnie asked Howard if it was OK to have his birthday party at Rick’s Cabaret. Howard started to answer him, but Gary piped in that it might be better to let JD decide the fate of Ronnie’s party. So Howard left it up to JD, who said he had no problem with Ronnie’s party – just his “most boringest ever” car show: “Ronnie can definitely have a party.” Ronnie even said that JD was welcome to attend the party, he just wouldn’t be speaking to him if showed up.

Howard started off the show noting that he and Robin were at a surprise party for a friend last night – and he stayed until 8pm. Robin laughed: “That was 25 minutes longer than I thought you’d stay.” Howard said he left partly because everyone was yelling at each other over the loud music: “And then I had trouble falling asleep.” Robin couldn’t understand why: “Your beautiful wife was there.” Howard explained: “We had ‘words.’ Nothing bad, you know, it just gets me unsettled…it won’t make a difference. Same shit.”

Howard said he took his parents out to dinner before the party. At the restaurant, his father told Beth about his meal routine – a routine Ben later called in to explain: “I have three breakfasts I eat every morning in sequence…if I have a cold cereal, the next time I have a hot cereal.” Howard asked what Ben ate when he was away from home, so Ben detailed: “I have an inventory of sardines…I throw them in between two pieces of bread and that’s my lunch.”

Ben revealed that he and Ray also have a dinner routine: on Mondays, they go to an Italian restaurant. Tuesdays they go to KFC, where Ben orders corn on the cob, cole slaw and grilled chicken: “It’s good…it’s not dried out and I enjoy eating it.” Wednesdays they go to a Greek place and, on Thursdays, a diner. Asked why he never switched things up and maybe go to the Italian place on Thursday, Ben bristled: “There’s no reason to change the schedule.”

Artie told the crew about his bizarre experience on last night’s Jimmy Fallon show – first they asked him to stick around after his interview to sit in during Olivia Munn’s interview and for a segment with famed Momofuku chef David Chang, who cooked on the show. To end the show, Olivia wanted to play ping-pong against him and Jimmy – and then brought a “special partner,” Susan Sarandon, who owns a ping-pong bar named Spin in downtown NYC.

Artie laughed: “My competitive nature kicked in. I’ll tell ya what happened. I started getting f’ing mad! It’s me and Jimmy against these two broads and now I wanna win.” Howard said, “I understand. Absolutely.” Artie served to Susan: “I said ’scumbag serving Oscar-winner’…and Susan started trashing me. She said, ‘Are you high? I said, ‘First of all, yes, and I can’t believe you’re here.’ She said, ‘Neither can I.’” Artie and Jimmy eventually lost, mainly because they made Jimmy play with a tiny ping pong paddle: “But it was very nice…she looked fantastic. She’s so sexy. All I could think about was the movie ‘Atlantic City’ when she’s rubbing lemons on her tits.”

Eric the Midget called in to say he was “po’d’ at Robin for something she said (months ago) about him not being healthy enough for wild nights at the Bunny Ranch. Eric said Bunny Ranch manager Rich had then used Robin’s theory to turn down Eric’s requests to come visit. Robin didn’t think she was at fault, speculating that Rich was just searching for an excuse: “He doesn’t want to lie to you outright.”

Rich called in to say Eric had been calling constantly with requests to return to the Bunny Ranch. However, Rich explained he wasn’t really receptive to Eric’s requests after his last visit to Eric’s home – where Eric turned him away at the door: “He totally blew me off and didn’t even want me in his driveway, etc…so I would like to extend an offer to Medicated Pete.” Eric claimed Rich was an element he didn’t want in his home: “I didn’t know how my parents would react to someone like that.” Rich scoffed: “Someone like that? What am I, a leper?”

Medicated Pete came in to accept Rich’s offer and the crew immediately took note of his “new look,” which Pete explained was just “some Redken stuff” in his hair: “I actually do this from time to time.” Howard asked if Pete was beating off a lot since his recent visit to , and Pete confirmed it: “Quite frankly, I am. And quite frequently.”

The crew wondered if Pete should be kept away from Rick’s, but Howard didn’t think he could deny Pete the lapdances: “He’s gotta go to Rick’s. He loves it.” Howard laughingly referenced the freakishly-high number of times the lapdances got Pete to come in his pants: “But I’m putting you on a 3 load limit. After you blow 3 loads, you’re out.”

Hulk Hogan stopped by to promote his new book, “My Life Outside the Ring,” and Howard immediately asked about Hulk’s ex-wife’s claim that he was gay for Bubba the Love Sponge. Hulk laughed: “She thought me and Bubba were doing the butt deal.” Hulk said his divorce proceedings were finishing up, but he’s still embroiled in the legal process surrounding his son’s car accident: “I’m right in the middle of the civil case now.”

Howard was confused how Hulk could be liable for something his son had done, so Dominick Barbara called in to say Hulk wasn’t necessarily libel for what his son did, but could be found at fault since he owned the car his son was driving.

Hogan said he was disappointed to see his marriage fall apart: “I was a big mark. I thought it was forever.” Howard asked if he still loved his ex-wife, and Hulk quickly admitted that he really did: “Yeah. I still love her.” Hulk said the marriage crumbled due to distance: “Linda was gone. Like, a lot…[sex] was few and far between…she’d been threatening me with divorce for more than 10 years off and on.”

When he finally learned it was over, he sat in his favorite bathroom chair and fell apart: “I just sat there forever and I started playing with that gun…and the drunker I got and the more pilled I got I started going into a trance.” While he was sitting there, Laila Ali called and invited him to come visit her church the next time he was in LA: “It woke me up.”

Hulk said he’d always had a strong spiritual side: “The last couple years of my marriage I started praying to be happy.” Thanks to Laila, he finally realized he needed to take a more active role in his spirituality. Howard asked if Hulk planned to marry Jennifer, his new girlfriend, and Hulk thought it over (”That’d probably be a good thing.”) but said he’s gonna take it slow. Howard then introduced Hulk to Brian, Ronnie the Limo Driver’s 9-year-old grandson. Hulk told Brian that if he stayed in school and ate his vitamins he could be anything he wants.

Beetlejuice came in wearing a “Spawn” costume and Robin told him he looked like he’d gained a little weight. Beet nodded: “I gained weight, like, 230 pounds.” Asked if the weight gain was due to the pressures of his new HowardTV reality show, Beet again agreed: “Oh it was pretty hard.” Howard wondered where Beet came up with idea for the show, so Beet snapped: “I got brains, man.”

The crew asked after Beet’s recent turn toward an anti-semitic perspective, which Beet explained: “I hate Jewish…I learned that sometime when I was little kid. I learned that like 10 years ago. School of life, man.” Howard wondered how Beet recognized Jews, and Beet claimed to have a kind of internal Jew-dar: “I don’t know but they are Jews. I can’t tell but they are Jewish.”

Howard asked if Beet had ever landed a plane (Beet: “A few years back, yeah.”) and could help talk a distressed pilot through a landing. As Fred played a distressed pilot, Beet guided him down: “Before you land make sure to stay straight, though. Then, like, you gotta like stay straight…Slow down a little. Just a little – you almost got it – stay up, buddy.” The “plane” crashed…and Beet laughed.

A garbage can then began moving near Beet’s feet, but Beet was non-plussed until his friend, Dominic the Dwarf, popped out: “I know you said it was garbage!” Dominick jokingly referenced Beet’s tendency to blame his accidents on others: “This is the only way they could keep me from shitting in Beetle’s pants.”

Porn stars Priya Rai and Mariah Milano stopped by to play the Beetlejuice Mismatch Game. Priya told the crew she could see ghosts: “I do see things. It’s usually when I’m sober. I try to stay f’ed up most of the time so I don’t see it.” Artie thought Priya was “f’ed up” right then: “I can tell she’s high.” Priya denied it at first but eventually fessed up: “I had a couple drinks.”

Howard had the girls strip down to play the game, which got Beet very excited: “I’m gonna hit that tonight…Oh, I’d bang it all up.” The girls proved loud and difficult to control, so Howard gave up on the game early, turning to Robin: “I give up on the game. You know this is gonna be impossible.”

Howard asked Sal if he was the “rat” who told Ronnie that JD had reported to Howard on Medicated Pete’s night at Rick’s Cabaret. Sal denied it: “I might be a ball-breaker but I’m no rat.” Artie laughed: “Spoken like a true Italian.” Howard then played a clip from yesterday’s Wrap-Up Show in which JD promised to give Ronnie his car show back if he revealed who the leak was – Ronnie refused.

Later on in the Wrap-Up Show clip, Ronnie railed against JD: “He’s very angry at people. He has major issues with everybody.” Howard laughed: “That sounds more like Ronnie.” Ronnie then came in to add to his comments: “I will destroy this f’ before he’s done…I’m gonna get something on him. I’m gonna watch him wherever he goes.”

Ronnie insisted he wasn’t threatening JD: “I’m not making a threat. I’m just telling him I will destroy him, that’s all.” Robin laughed: “Ronnie, do you understand what a threat is?” Howard hoped Ronnie wasn’t going through menopause, and Ronnie sarcastically replied that he was: “Yes. Man-opause.”

While he was in-studio, Ronnie asked Howard if it was OK to have his birthday party at Rick’s Cabaret. Howard started to answer him, but Gary piped in that it might be better to let JD decide the fate of Ronnie’s party. So Howard left it up to JD, who said he had no problem with Ronnie’s party – just his “most boringest ever” car show: “Ronnie can definitely have a party.” Ronnie even said that JD was welcome to attend the party, he just wouldn’t be speaking to him if showed up.

Howard played a clip of Beetlejuice discussing a Jewish friend: “He’s still my friend but I still call him a dirty Jew.” In the same clip, Beetle was asked if his friend Shuli was a “dirty Jew,” but Beetle coolly replied: “He’s Catholic not a Jew.” Asked if he was Catholic or Jewish, Beetle reported: “I’m a regular person.”

When she came in with the Howard100 News headlines, Howard asked Lisa G if she could be sexually submissive: “If I tie you up will you trust me?” Lisa hemmed and hawed a little and then claimed she might: “Yes.” Artie joked: “You know what I’m gonna do? Tie her up around 6 and go to the Yankee game.” Howard wondered if Lisa would let him tie her up and then shave her completely, but Lisa shook her head: “I don’t think so…if I’m really into you and I’m dating you? I think so.”

Stephen Stills stopped by to promote his new album, “Live at Shephard’s Bush,” and Howard asked him about his songwriting process. Stephen shrugged: “They kinda just show up. These days I sit down and start typing.” Stephen went on to remark that his CSN partners were fame hungry: “I work with the two biggest camera hogs in the world.” Howard wondered if Stephen thought of himself as the leader of the band, and Stephen nodded: “I was.” Robin asked when he lost control, and Steven explained: “When Crosby got sober.”

Stephen complained about a variety of topics, including illegal piracy and music downloading: “Stealing has become a national pastime.” Neil Young: “Being difficult is part of his personality. [Howard] would understand him perfectly.” His biggest hit, “Love the One You’re With”: “If I’m remembered for anything, I’d like a lot of other songs to be it.” And later – after performances of “Midnight Rider,” “Treetop Flyer” and “Love the One You’re With” – opined about singing before noon: “And that is why you don’t play music at 8 in the morning.”

Howard questioned Stephen about being asked to be in the Jimi Hendrix Experience, so Stephen explained he’d endeared himself to Jimi by “being easy” and called Jimi “the best.” Stephen added that his management withheld the message: “I was in Hawaii…Jimi and I had been thinking about this over in London for a while. But they didn’t pass on the message.” Stephen added that the reason they didn’t this was that the manager didn’t want to break up CSN. Howard wondered if Stephen would’ve taken the job and Stephen snapped: “Hell yeah!”

Stephen later denied ever being in love with Joni Mitchell (”No. Well, I mean I love her but I was never in love with her.”) or ever being heavily into drugs: “Opinions vary. I managed myself pretty well.” Stephen confessed that he did have a drinking problem at one point and also told the crew that – despite their fears – it was still possible to have an orgasm after having his prostate removed: “Well, it’s a different kind of coming, but yeah.”

Mike Gange came in to say Robin’s Petcadamy Awards submission was taking up too much of his time: “Every time I ask Robin what she wants, she says, ‘You figure it out!’” Robin said the project was almost over: “He’s sending me the raw footage tonight…and we will probably have to fix it.” Gange continued to complain: “I asked her to send me her concept in an email. Never got it.” Robin replied: “I didn’t need a concept. I told you what to shoot.”

Robin said she should’ve worked with someone else: “He’s never available, he’s always ill and he’s complaining all the time.” Howard asked Gange if he was saying Robin was a bad director, but Gange just laughed: “I’ve never seen her direct.” Robin replied: “I had the concept!”

Gange also whined about having to film Robin’s hairless cats: “These cats are the ugliest cats I’ve seen in my entire life…I swear – my camera? The lens was going to crack.” Gange added that the cats were great otherwise: “They behaved. They’re afraid of her just like everybody else.”

MEDICATED PETE IS A KARAOKE STAR

Steve Langford reported that Mediated/Tourette’s Pete (earlier in the show, frequent caller Johnboy, complained about Pete’s moniker and Howard changed it to Medicated Pete) was a karaoke king, so Pete came in to explain: “When I get onstage, I’m more comfortable than when I’m in a crowd of people.” Pete added that he was recovering from laryngitis but promised to wow the crew with his rendition of “Purple Rain” when he was better.KARAOKE: HOWARD VS. MEDICATED PETE

While Pete was in-studio, Howard asked if he was well enough to show off his karaoke skills. Pete grabbed a mic and belted out a hilarious version of “Purple Rain” as Howard laughed: “He’s turning purple! Sing it!” To be fair, Howard tried to prove he was better, but Fred determined that Howard had lost: “I think you had some timing issues. Your vocal was actually pretty good but your timing was off. That threw you.”

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

Clarence Clemons stopped by to promote his new book, “Big Man: Real Life & Tall Tales,” and explained the subtitle: “Some of it was made up, most of it is just bullshit.” Howard noted that Clarence met Bruce Springsteen in 1974, and Clarence nodded, explaining he felt an instant connection with his future E Street Band companion: “When I first saw him, I knew it. I knew this was it.”

THE E STREET BAND YEARS
Howard asked about the years in which Bruce wasn’t working with the E Street Band, and Clarence acknowledged that the (temporary) split upset him: “I was pissed.” Howard read a quote from Clarence’s book in which Redd Foxx told him to “Watch Bruce Springsteen…just remember that he’s white. I don’t mean anything bad by that, but when he looks at the world, it’s different.” Clarence laughed that he had paid the advice no mind: “I was never shocked by anything Redd Foxx said. He was kinda pissed off at the world.”

Clarence also credited the E Street Band’s longevity to their largely-separate lives: “We don’t hang out with each other and get in each other’s lives.” Clarence also told a story about an “I go or Clarence goes” ultimatum that Vini ‘Mad Dog’ Lopez reportedly gave to the Boss, leading Howard to commend Bruce’s loyalty: “Sometimes you can trust white people! He made the right decision.” Clarence said he had no hard feelings toward Vini: “I have no malice – no hatred for him. I can’t say sympathy, but…we miss each other.”

WEED, WOMEN & BROKEN CONDOMS
Clarence told the crew he no longer smoked weed: “I decided it was time to look at the world a different way. I’m a more mature person now…no more weed, man. No more nothing. I stopped drinking alcohol.” He also revealed that he once had an orgy with 6 women (”I watched a lot.”) and was happy to have knocked up a groupie along the way: “He’s a great kid and I’m glad the condom broke.”

TRACY MORGAN IS THE NEW BLACK

Tracy Morgan stopped by to promote his new book, “I’m the New Black,” and everyone laughed at his huge diamond rings and long black trenchcoat outfit. Tracy shrugged: “When you’re driving around in a Lamborghini, you can do whatever you want. Because I’m eccentric now! I’m driving around with slippers on!”

Howard asked about a recording that leaked from Tracy’s audiobook of him talking about how Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan mostly ignored him when they were on SNL together, but Tracy dismissed it: “You wanna see me and Cheri have a fight…you wanna see a titty pop out or something.” Tracy instead told the crew about his days as a crack dealer, including the time he let a crackhead pay for her rocks with sex: “She had a banging f ‘ing body…I said, ‘Put this bag on.’”

RAISING TRACY

Tracy told the crew he had a rough childhood in Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood of Brooklyn, referencing a time he shit in a pubic pool: “Because they stole my sneakers…big brown shark comin’.” Tracy laughed that water helps him move his bowels to this day: “I guess it relaxes my muscles. My neighbor had a slip-n-slide [and I] shut that down.”

Tracy felt remorse for some the stories he’d written about his dad: “I don’t think my father thought I was going to write a book and put it in there.” Tracy said he last spoke to his mother “about 8 years ago…I know what I get from my mother. My stubbornness…I don’t think it was one incident…I’m still figuring out me and my mother’s relationship now.” Howard asked if Tracy worried that they wouldn’t reconcile before her death, and Tracy shrugged: “I think everyone in the room worries about that shit.”

ARTIE’S BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN

Howard kicked off the show noting that Artie was back in the studio, proving Fred – who’d speculated that Artie might only return as a guest – wrong. Fred welcomed Artie back: “I’m happy for Artie. I hope he’s doing well.” Artie confessed: “Listen, I had what you might call a mini-nervous breakdown…I was in therapy doing well and I had a pattern of repeating mistakes in my life and that’s something my father had.”

A TWO-CITY BREAKDOWN

Artie said his therapist thought he was subconsciously trying to live a life of mistakes, as it was the model of masculinity he’d learned from his father. Artie said his breakdown began after doing a charity gig in Detroit and being hit with “anxiety, depression, all that shit…I just turned 42 and I didn’t realize how tough that was going to be.”

Artie added that the charity gig for a paralyzed guy in a wheel chair compounded his anxiety about aging: “I hadn’t really been next to [a paraplegic] since my old man and it affected me.” Artie said didn’t go to therapy when he returned home: “I made myself physically ill. I was dry-heaving. I was sweating.” His girlfriend cared for him while he convalesced: “I love my girlfriend. I’m in love.”

…ALMOST BECAME A RELAPSE

Artie said he’d canceled most of his gigs after the end of the year: “2010 I will not be on the road…this schedule and the road is bad. And this is more important – of course.” He might even do a detox diet: “Stacy wants me to do the Robin thing…I just like cheeseburgers so much. I don’t know if I can be a part of it.” Artie claimed he was glad he didn’t turn back to heroin: “I was close to going to the bad shit because I just wanted anything to feel better…you start to question everything in your life.”

ERIC THE MIDGET TO DO STAND-UP, VISIT THE SHOW?

Eric the Midget called in to ask if his upcoming stand-up debut (opening for Artie on December 12th) was still on. Artie wanted to move the gig: “If I flew you into a local gig here in Jersey is that something you would do?” Eric said sure – but Gary had an amendment: “If he’s flying he’s gotta come in here too.” Artie asked: “Could I get corporate to split the plane ticket with me?” Gary nodded: “Absolutely.”

Howard started off the show offering further comment on the poor media line spots Lisa G gets stuck with at red carpet events, saying she probably shouldn’t use his name at all – she’d be better off if she simply said she was with Sirius XM: “People are scared to death of me…she can’t believe that my name doesn’t open up doors and believe me, it doesn’t…I don’t get special treatment.”

Robin reported that she was confused by the bouquet of flowers Clarence Clemons sent her after his appearance yesterday: “He walks in here and tells me he’s in love with his wife and then sends me flowers.” Howard thought Clarence might be looking to have more than one romance: “One has nothing to do with the other.”

Howard got Dina, another listener who wanted to date Medicated Pete, on the line and told her Pete was starting to seem more relaxed on the air and around the office. Pete came in to say he had a new attitude: “You’re correct…I’m getting more confident.” Artie checked him: “If you’re not careful, you’re gonna become an asshole.”

Howard asked Dina why she was in a wheelchair, so she explained that she had Friedreich’s ataxia, a neurological condition that affects her balance. Dina added that she’d last gotten laid “earlier this year” and was actually quite athletic – despite not being able to use her legs: “I row. I rock climb.” Pete said he’d love to meet Dina but refused another suggestion – that he not take his meds for a day: “I spaz out completely – completely off the charts.”

Howard also took another call from a woman who wanted to date Pete and learned she had a felony conviction. She said she’d recently done 8 months in jail for Grand Larceny: “I took some money from my former employer.” She explained that she’d worked as an office manager for an engineering firm and – due in part to a gambling problem – “borrowed” about $8,000: “I actually planned on paying it back slowly but I was caught before that happened.”

She claimed she hadn’t gotten laid since her release from Rikers: “I wanna date Pete so bad, Howard! He seems honest, adorable and cute.” Robin laughed: “Funny that you’re into honesty.” Howard pressed further, asking how Pete could be sure she wouldn’t scam him, so she replied: “8 months on Rikers Island rehabilitates you.”

The Bunny Ranch’s newest whore, Cami Parker, stopped by and said she grew watching up watching Howard’s TV shows: “I was always the horniest girl. I was rubbing my pussy before I even knew what I was doing.” Despite her overtly-sexual nature, Cami said she wasn’t able to convince her first boyfriend to bang her until she was 17: “All he would do was lick me all the time. I was like, ‘I wanna get f’ed.’”

Cami said she didn’t do much after graduating from high school other than “hang out with my girlfriends, go out, find guys to f’.” Cami said her routine stopped when she caught an episode of the Tyra Banks show featuring Bunny Ranch proprietor Dennis Hof and one of his pregnant whores: “I was like, ‘He is so sexy. I have to f’ this man.’ ‘Daddy’ [this is what she calls Dennis, she is not talking about her father] is the sexiest man in the world.” After that, Cami arranged to become one of Dennis’ whores. Howard laughed: “Too bad you didn’t watch the Tyra show on mathematicians.”

Cami said she was enjoying her new career: “They say if you can get paid to do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.”

Cami had a particular affection for her fellow whores’ bisexuality: “That’s why I like the Bunny Ranch! Everybody loves girls and we get to f’ all day.” She also displayed a passion for the business: “I love to make men cum. That’s my favorite everything.”

Ham Hands Bill called in to ask if Cami was into anal, and Cami claimed she was an anal virgin – but would give it up for $25,000.

Howard then asked Cami to ride the Sybian, and she jumped up, striped down and straddled it: “This thing is really gonna make me cum! Let me play with my titties for a little bit.” Cami climaxed in less than a minute: “Oh my god! I had to stand up! That made me cum like something else. It’s too sensitive.”

On her way out, Cami plugged the Bunny Ranch one last time: “Come visit me and check out my pussy! It’s great.”

Howard got Mike Walker from The National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play “The Gossip Game,” in which Mike reads four gossip items – three (allegedly) true, one false – and the crew has to pick the fake. This week’s stories:

1. Woody Harrelson paid a homeless guy $100 to promote “Zombieland” on a piece of cardboard.

2. Cameron Diaz personally scrubbed her on-set trailer’s bathroom.

3. Madonna shocked SNL staffers by leaving her dressing room door wide open as she flexed in front of the mirror in her underwear, yelling: “Aren’t I f’ing awesome?!”

4. “Hills” star Lauren Conrad wrecked her new Audi two days in a row.

Robin, Artie and Fred all went the Cameron Diaz item and Howard went with the Madonna story. Mike then announced that no one was right – the Lauren Conrad story was false.

A caller asked Artie why his usual “FIYAH!” catchphrases seemed lackluster at his recent charity gig in Detroit, so Artie explained he’d fallen out of love with it: “It’s fun because the crowd likes it, but…” Howard laughed that Artie must be growing as an artist, but Artie sarcastically dismissed the idea: “I just wanna be like Springsteen and have people hold up signs for whatever shit thing I’m known for.”

Lisa G came in with the headlines and, in an aside, noted that she recently cried over her red carpet press line placement. Lisa said she got emotional after seeing her spot was behind “more important” media outlets, like the television networks – and most embarrassingly, several dot coms. Howard was miffed at first but then resigned; saying the order of press line import should probably go TV, Internet, Radio and then Satellite Radio, as it’s still an emerging technology. Howard joked: “There was a college newspaper ahead of Lisa.”

Howard got Tori, a “smoking hot” blond who emailed an entry to date Medicated Pete, on the line and asked if she was honest in her letter in her letter to the show. Tori said she was totally willing to perform as she’d promised: “Yeah, pretty much. We’d have to see how it goes.” Tori added: “My religion believes in doing good deeds and I wanna do good deeds.” Pete appreciated the sympathy: “That’s uh – that’s good words.”

Howard then got another girl who’d written the show, Lyla – a “little person” – on the line and asked her why she as interested in Pete. Lyla laughed that her 3′11″ frame had limited her options: “God knows, guys aren’t beating down my door.” Howard joking referenced famed ventriloquist Edgar Bergen’s dummy: “Well I’m looking at you here and you have the face of Jenny McCarthy and the body of Charlie McCarthy.”

Clarence Clemons stopped by to promote his new book, “Big Man: Real Life & Tall Tales,” and explained the subtitle: “Some of it was made up, most of it is just bullshit.” Howard noted that Clarence met Bruce Springsteen in 1974, and Clarence nodded, explaining he felt an instant connection with his future E Street Band companion: “When I first saw him, I knew it. I knew this was it.”

Howard asked about the years in which Bruce wasn’t working with the E Street Band, and Clarence acknowledged that the (temporary) split upset him: “I was pissed.” Howard read a quote from Clarence’s book in which Redd Foxx told him to “Watch Bruce Springsteen…just remember that he’s white. I don’t mean anything bad by that, but when he looks at the world, it’s different.” Clarence laughed that he had paid the advice no mind: “I was never shocked by anything Redd Foxx said. He was kinda pissed off at the world.”

Clarence also credited the E Street Band’s longevity to their largely-separate lives: “We don’t hang out with each other and get in each other’s lives.” Clarence also told a story about an “I go or Clarence goes” ultimatum that Vini ‘Mad Dog’ Lopez reportedly gave to the Boss, leading Howard to commend Bruce’s loyalty: “Sometimes you can trust white people! He made the right decision.” Clarence said he had no hard feelings toward Vini: “I have no malice – no hatred for him. I can’t say sympathy, but…we miss each other.”

Clarence told the crew he no longer smoked weed: “I decided it was time to look at the world a different way. I’m a more mature person now…no more weed, man. No more nothing. I stopped drinking alcohol.” He also revealed that he once had an orgy with 6 women (”I watched a lot.”) and was happy to have knocked up a groupie along the way: “He’s a great kid and I’m glad the condom broke.”

Howard kicked off the show noting that Artie was back in the studio, proving Fred – who’d speculated that Artie might only return as a guest – wrong. Fred welcomed Artie back: “I’m happy for Artie. I hope he’s doing well.” Artie confessed: “Listen, I had what you might call a mini-nervous breakdown…I was in therapy doing well and I had a pattern of repeating mistakes in my life and that’s something my father had.”

Artie said his therapist thought he was subconsciously trying to live a life of mistakes, as it was the model of masculinity he’d learned from his father. Artie said his breakdown began after doing a charity gig in Detroit and being hit with “anxiety, depression, all that shit…I just turned 42 and I didn’t realize how tough that was going to be.”

Artie added that the charity gig for a paralyzed guy in a wheel chair compounded his anxiety about aging: “I hadn’t really been next to [a paraplegic] since my old man and it affected me.” Artie said didn’t go to therapy when he returned home: “I made myself physically ill. I was dry-heaving. I was sweating.” His girlfriend cared for him while he convalesced: “I love my girlfriend. I’m in love.”

Artie said he’d canceled most of his gigs after the end of the year: “2010 I will not be on the road…this schedule and the road is bad. And this is more important – of course.” He might even do a detox diet: “Stacy wants me to do the Robin thing…I just like cheeseburgers so much. I don’t know if I can be a part of it.” Artie claimed he was glad he didn’t turn back to heroin: “I was close to going to the bad shit because I just wanted anything to feel better…you start to question everything in your life.”

Eric the Midget called in to ask if his upcoming stand-up debut (opening for Artie on December 12th) was still on. Artie wanted to move the gig: “If I flew you into a local gig here in Jersey is that something you would do?” Eric said sure – but Gary had an amendment: “If he’s flying he’s gotta come in here too.” Artie asked: “Could I get corporate to split the plane ticket with me?” Gary nodded: “Absolutely.”

Tracy Morgan stopped by to promote his new book, “I’m the New Black,” and everyone laughed at his huge diamond rings and long black trenchcoat outfit. Tracy shrugged: “When you’re driving around in a Lamborghini, you can do whatever you want. Because I’m eccentric now! I’m driving around with slippers on!”

Howard asked about a recording that leaked from Tracy’s audiobook of him talking about how Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan mostly ignored him when they were on SNL together, but Tracy dismissed it: “You wanna see me and Cheri have a fight…you wanna see a titty pop out or something.” Tracy instead told the crew about his days as a crack dealer, including the time he let a crackhead pay for her rocks with sex: “She had a banging f ‘ing body…I said, ‘Put this bag on.’”

Tracy told the crew he had a rough childhood in Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood of Brooklyn, referencing a time he shit in a pubic pool: “Because they stole my sneakers…big brown shark comin’.” Tracy laughed that water helps him move his bowels to this day: “I guess it relaxes my muscles. My neighbor had a slip-n-slide [and I] shut that down.”

Tracy felt remorse for some the stories he’d written about his dad: “I don’t think my father thought I was going to write a book and put it in there.” Tracy said he last spoke to his mother “about 8 years ago…I know what I get from my mother. My stubbornness…I don’t think it was one incident…I’m still figuring out me and my mother’s relationship now.” Howard asked if Tracy worried that they wouldn’t reconcile before her death, and Tracy shrugged: “I think everyone in the room worries about that shit.”

Howard showed Medicated Pete pictures a few of the women who’d written the show saying they’d date him. Pete was shocked by how attractive some of the women were: “I think that’s pretty awesome.” Howard held up one he thought was a good candidate: “This chick went to jail for Grand Larceny. What do you think?” Pete shrugged: “She’s alright…acceptable.” Howard laughed that Pete was pretty picky for a guy who’d only been laid once – by a prostitute – and showed Pete yet another picture. Pete rubbed his hands together: “I’m pretty impressed.”

While Pete was in-studio, Howard asked if he was well enough to show off his karaoke skills. Pete grabbed a mic and belted out a hilarious version of “Purple Rain” as Howard laughed: “He’s turning purple! Sing it!” To be fair, Howard tried to prove he was better, but Fred determined that Howard had lost: “I think you had some timing issues. Your vocal was actually pretty good but your timing was off. That threw you.”

A caller claimed his best friend had given him an odd birthday present: the privilege of a blowjob from the friend’s wife. Howard wanted more information before he made a recommendation: “Does he wanna watch?” The caller thought his buddy might, so Howard said: “If she’s really hot, I’d do it.” Artie thought the second the wife’s blowjob was over, the friend might want to give his buddy one himself.