Howard added that Richard Belzer had been lined up to host the event but turned out to be “the most selfish, f’ed-up person on the planet,” explaining that Belz cancelled on the event 15 minutes before the event started – his assistant called to say he was sick. Howard noted that Belz was booked to come on the show in a couple weeks, “And I wanna unbook him…How does a human being do that?” Howard then thanked Maria Menounos for stepping in and making it look effortless: “She’s a piece of ass and a home run chick.”

Howard said he also encouraged Ronnie’s bad behavior, and Sal came in to confirm the story: “I told the DJ, ‘Give the mic to that guy. He’s Jason’s great-grandfather.’” Ronnie begrudgingly took the mic and gave a rambling speech about Jason spending the night before at Rick’s Cabaret. Sal also got JD to give an awkward speech, which made Howard feel a little guilty, so he got up to counteract the goofiness with a heartfelt toast: “We looked like a bunch of assholes.”

WHO WAS THE BIGGEST MESS?

Robin laughed that Steve “The Intern” Brandano had a little too much fun as well and ended up slowdancing by himself, so Steve came in to explain that he was actually paid $50 to pull the stunt: “And I got to dance with Tim [Sabean]’s wife. She bailed me out. So that was nice.” Robin said Janis (Mrs. Jason Kaplan) was also having such a good time, she started letting women feel her breasts at the end of the night: “She said to me, ‘Robin, you feel too!’”

ERIC THE MIDGET FEELS USED

Eric the Midget called in to whine about Natalie Maines’ comments about him on the Wrap-Up Show last Monday, as the Bunny Ranch girls/prostitutes stopped having sex with him after hearing Natalie doubt they had ever banged him in the first place. Robin told Eric that the girls really just didn’t want to sleep with him anymore because they had nothing more to gain – they already got a ton of plugs and an appearance on the show. Eric dismissed Robin’s claim and insisted that the girls were upset by Natalie’s remarks, but Howard had to level with him: “They’re only gonna give you so many freebies…they’re just trying to make money off you.”

ARTIE HAS TROUBLE AT THE BORDER

Lisa G reported that Artie almost wasn’t allowed into Canada for his Toronto gig last weekend, so Artie admitted he (and not Teddy) was the one at fault: “I lost my passport…for three hours, I turned over my apartment [looking for it]…it took me about an hour of paperwork but eventually they let me through the border [in a car] at Buffalo.” Artie added that he was delayed even more on the way back: “5 hours in the Buffalo airport…this gig I made $81,000. After all the bullshit I took home $58,000…I was suicidal then homicidal.”

HAM HANDS BILL!

Ham Hands Bill stopped to promote his “I Want To Be the Next Howard Stern” test show (tonight on Howard 101 at 7pm ET) and told the crew that even he couldn’t believe some of the things he said in his demo: “This is a contest…and I wanted to explore it.” Howard asked if Ham Hands’ perversions were caused by his injury, and Ham Hands’ admitted they might be: “It was an accident and it affected my whole right side. It was a head injury.” Ham Hands also said it could be due to the rough neighborhood he grew up in: “There were prostitutes and drugs…You [had] to defend your friends and fight for yourself.”

Howard asked what Ham Hands planned on doing for tonight’s show, so Ham Hands said he was going to reveal something about himself: “Something I didn’t even know…sometimes I surprise myself. It became a big deal to me once I found out about it. It’s a big deal to me. I don’t know if it’ll be a big deal to you.” Howard speculated that Ham Hands might beat off during tonight’s show, and Ham Hands admitted he might: “I don’t know. If Robin calls.”

Later, after T-Pain’s career took off at Jive, his old man had the balls to call up and ask for $250,000 – claiming that he’d leave his son alone forever in exchange for that amount. Howard empathized with the story: “My heart breaks for you when I hear that.” T-Pain laughed that he last heard from his father two weeks ago when he called up with a oil deal: “He told me he was about to be the richest man I know.”

BEST BASEMENT EVER: A STRIP CLUB

T-Pain told the crew that he married his wife at the age of 18, and the secret to their happy marriage was threesomes: “[My wife's] been throwing me these stripper parties at my house…I got a club at my house. She actually bought me the [striper] pole…there’s a stage under the pole and it lights up and the pole lights up too.” T-Pain said, “The last party was awesome. There were, like, 35 girls…the rule is, we gotta ask each other. I can’t just go stick my dick in another girl.”

THE EVIL DAVE GAME

A caller wanted to play a game, so Howard offered $1,000 if he could guess which drugs Evil Dave could pronounce correctly, explaining that Sal and Richard handed Evil Dave a list of words and had him read them aloud. Howard then read the words, waited for the caller’s guess and played the clips:

Subutex. The caller guessed Evil Dave would get it wrong and was right. Evil Dave pronounced it “sudutex.”

Penicillin. The caller predicted that Evil Dave would mess up, but he got it right.

Paxil. The caller again guessed Evil Dave would stumble and was right. Evil Dave said it “panix.”

Zoloft. The caller thought Evil Dave would get it wrong, but Evil Dave nailed it.

Hydrocodone. The caller won by correctly predicting Evil Dave would flub the word. In the clip, Evil Dave said something like “hydoxicillin.”

RICHARD’S WEST COAST DIAPER WETTING

Howard asked Richard Christy how many diapers he brought to the Coheed & Cambria’s concerts he attended in LA over the weekend, so Richard said, “I brought four, but I only brought one pair of jeans, so I had to be careful.” Richard added that he also brought one pair of underwear, which upset Artie: “You know what, dude? I’m treating you like a slow person.” Howard asked Richard how long he wore the diaper, so Richard explained that he wore it all night after using it: “I’m used to it now.”

IT’S TIME FOR ROBIN’S NEWS

A Jersey City councilman allegedly urinated on concertgoers in Washington D.C.

Six Marines saved the guests of an entire hotel by running through the halls and yelling that it was on fire.

Some 8-year-old kid killed a couple people.

A sterile woman will soon give birth after the world’s first successful ovary transplant.

Craigslist is cracking down on prostitution.

John Turturro’s brother is crazy.

Bruce Springsteen auctioned off a bunch of memorabilia for the troops.

Eliot Spitzer won’t be charged for banging those hookers.

Italy’s Prime Minister is under fire for saying Obama was “tanned.”

Obama isn’t the president yet.

The puppy Obama promised his daughters has to be hypoallergenic.

Sarah Palin says her stupidity was taken out of context.