CHANNELING TRACY, DAVE & LARS The Howard Stern Show for April 8, 2009

HOWARD WISHES STUTTERING JOHN WELL

Howard started off the show complaining about a Page Six story that misrepresented his views on Stuttering John. Howard explained how he really felt: “Jay Leno should hire John [on his new primetime show]…he was willing to lose a friendship with me over it.” Howard also clarified what he said yesterday: “I wasn’t saying I have a grudge against John. I have a grudge against Jay.”

Fred speculated that John was never supported after Jay first hired him: “Maybe the person who thought John would be a good addition put him up there and didn’t back him up.” Howard was so upset that he promised to phone John off the air: “I am gonna call Stuttering John. I want him to know I really don’t have any animosity and I want him to know I hope he gets the job.”

SLIM SABEAN IS REALLY EXCITED

Howard played a clip from yesterday’s Wrap-Up Show of Tim Sabean repeatedly plugging Sirius/XM radio subscriptions – and remarked that it was odd for Tim to pitch a product to people who are already customers. Tim came in to explain himself: “I’m excited about the detox, about Sirius/XM Radio and doing the best thing for our company. That’s what I’m trying to do…I want people to tell their friends.”

ARTIE ON TIVO AUTO-SUGGESTIONS

“My buddy – he’s a Met fan – he TIVOs every Met game. It also tapes ‘Queer as Folk’ for him, without him even having to ask.”

LISA G WANTS TO HAVE FUN

Lisa G came in with the headlines, so Howard asked the crew how long they thought it would take a guy to bed her. Gary speculated that an average guy would have to date her for a while: “I think it’s at least a month and a half.” While Howard thought it would only take 3 dates. Artie disagreed: “I go with Gary.” Lisa refused to quantify the time (”I wanna be somebody’s really good friend.”), leading Fred to joke: “With that attitude, it might be a year.” Lisa said things could move quickly: “If I just thought he was hot and I just want to have some fun with him.”

ARTIE IS RESTLESS

Artie confessed that his new sober lifestyle was robbing him of sleep: “I fall asleep for about two minutes at home and then I get up.” Howard asked if Artie’s resolve was weakening, but Artie didn’t think so: “I don’t have cravings to get high, I just have cravings to get normal already…yesterday, instead of napping, I did push-ups and sit-ups…You’ll see me tomorrow with my NutriSystem Sports meal…it’s 1800 calories a day.”

BREUER TRAVELS TO TRACY MORGAN’S PAST

Jim Breuer stopped by to promote and told the crew about going to a Mets game with Tracy Morgan: “He used to tell me, ‘I’m from the ghetto’…He loves attention. As soon as we get on the train, ‘Man the Mets are gonna win today, I’m gonna take my shirt off, somebody’s getting pregnant!’ He loves to say that.”

When they got off the train, all the ticket scalpers recognized Tracy, but not from being on SNL – from his days when he used to be one of them.

BREUER’S DAD IS A PARTY…AND A HALF

Jim said he used to hate bringing his father, a hard-drinking WWII vet, along to the SNL set: “He has to buy a six pack before we go…and he’s all excited to meet John Goodman…he goes, ‘Johnny! Big fan. Mind if I say hello?’” According to Jim, John actually welcomed his father and accepted one of the beers – they bonded over their Elks club membership. When Jim was called away to rehearse, the two continued to hang out, but after Jim returned, his dad was pissed: “That fat f’ drank five of my beers!”

HEY PAULA, WANNA PLAY PUPPY?

Jim laughed that his dad once cornered Paula Abdul, who told Jim, “Your dad is so nasty! But he’s wonderful.” Jim said his dad was emboldened by Paula’s comment and asked her to play “Puppy” with him: “Puppy is when you sniff my ass and I just howl.”

“CHEVY WHO? WHO GIVES A SHIT?”

The stories about Jim’s dad kept everyone rolling, so Jim told one more – about the time his dad confronted Lorne Michaels: “I flew up from Florida to see my son but he wasn’t in it. What happened?” Lorne told him that Chevy Chase was coming on next week and had already talked to him about working with Jim, but pops didn’t care: “Chevy who? Who gives a shit? I live in Florida! What happened to this week?”

JIM’S NOW A FAMILY GUY

Jim said he rededicated himself to his stand-up career over the last year, developing a new act and taping a new “clean” special: “This is brand new, ‘funny family-guy’ Jim Breuer.” Not so ‘family-guy’ were Jim’s stories about hanging with Dave Chappelle – and Dave’s shit-happy dog – all told in Jim’s peerless Chappelle impression. Jim continued with the impressions, telling about how Lars Ulrich from Metallica stopped hanging out with him after Jim left him at a bar full of celebrities at 2:30am because he had to go home to his pregnant wife.