Crappy turd-day – The Howard Stern ShowMonday,  September 22, 2008CRAPPY TURD-DAY The Howard Stern Show for September 22, 2008CRAZY FANS HAVE TOO MUCH FREE TIME

Howard started off the show reading an article about the last game at Yankees Stadium and laughed at the fans who showed up for the game 7 hours early to walk around the dirt warning track saying they were “crazy” for spending 12 hours at the game. Gary came in to defend the fans, but Howard had little patience for his argument. Artie said he would’ve been one of them, but he got back late from his gig in San Francisco and “crashed,” settling for the television broadcast instead.
SURPRISE! RALPH BACKS OUT

A caller asked Howard what was happening with Ralph’s upcoming lie detector test, so Howard explained that Dominic Barbara’s $5,000 prize wasn’t enough to guarantee Ralph’s involvement. Gary came in to explain that Ralph eventually backed out when the Judge David Young Show got involved and their producers began asking some “pointed questions” as his memory of the incidents in question was “vague.” Artie said he wanted to back out of the challenge anyway, as it created an awkward situation.

Howard played some clips from Paula Gloria’s show, “Total Penetration,” and laughed that just trying to get Paula and her crew to tape a 30 second promo was impossible: “They’re excited to get in the studio and talk about anything…that’s like one minute of a session that went on and on.” Howard said Paula, frequently the butt of Richard and Sal’s prank calls, didn’t seem to mind the obstacles between her and totally boring broadcasting: “I defy anyone to listen to the full hour tonight.”

Howard laughed that Benjy had requested a vegetarian meal for the wedding, but Benjy disputed the story: “I don’t eat pork and I don’t eat cheese…so I asked for vegetarian to make it simple.” Benjy explained that he was presented with an option between one dish and a vegetarian dish and simply decided on the latter. Howard speculated that the story went differently, so Benjy began yelling – eventually shutting up when Howard threatened to kick him out of the studio.

Will the Farter stopped by to celebrate his birthday and Howard immediately asked if Will still regretted his one-time turn as a porn star. Will admitted he more than regretted it – he also regretted putting up bail for his porn co-star, Kissy Kapri. A post-jail Kissy never paid him back monetarily, or, as promised, by performing at his buddy’s bachelor party. Will then said he now wanted to make money by doing stand-up – possibly opening up for Artie.

Will claimed his act would consist of blowing darts out of his ass to pop balloons, adding that his ass-darts’ trajectories had a margin of error somewhere between 3 and 30 feet and could kill someone. Howard explained that these were the reasons he wouldn’t allow the stunt to be performed in-studio – and then turned to Artie to see if he would allow the potentially-fatal act at one of his shows. Artie said he’d be willing to book Will once, and the two came to some sort of an agreement.

GRUMP SUMMIT IN ‘FRISCO

Eric the Midget called in to say he met Artie over the weekend. Artie confirmed Eric’s account: “Eric is a pussycat in real life.” Howard saw a picture of the two together and joked that Artie looked like he posed a greater risk to Eric than the boa constrictor in Vegas. Eric said he was now on Team Artie: “He would have to take a jab at me before I would take a jab at him.” Howard asked if Eric enjoyed himself at the show, and Eric replied that he did: “I laughed quite a bit.”

BIGFOOT & ANGELIQUE MORGAN FACE OFF

Howard welcomed Bigfoot and porn star Angelique Morgan to the studio to play Bigfoot Password. Howard asked Bigfoot if he was getting any action lately, so Bigfoot told the crew that he frequents a few women of the night: “I paid one girl with a laptop it is…you better believe I banged her. All night long.” Bigfoot said he paid another girl with a fifth a vodka “and a couple other things I can’t talk about on the air it is.”

Angelique told the crew she was also hitting some roadblocks on her way to love: every guy she meets is “super gay or is, like, taken.” Bigfoot said his recent legal troubles in the state of Vermont have solved themselves: “They found me uncompetent it is.” Richard then called in as “Vermont” to threaten Bigfoot, but Bigfoot wasn’t scared: “My problem is your Newport cops up there in Newport it is…I wouldn’t even hire them to push my wheelbarrow around.”

DUMBASS PASSWORD

Howard asked Bigfoot what he’d do to Angelique, and he responded quickly: “Prolly eat her out and lick her tits. I don’t know prolly stick my dick in a few times. You know, do her every which way.” Howard then explained the Password game and gave the first word “nun” which Angelique didn’t even know how to describe, so Howard gave her a new one, “clitoris.” Angelique’s clues, followed by the guesses they prompted from Bigfoot:

Orgasm. “F’ing you?”
Female. “I don’t f’ng know.”
Sex. “Coming on herself? Having an orgasm to herself?”
Angelique’s next word, “vagina,” didn’t go much better:
Pussy. “Juice.”

Female. “I don’t know.”

Orgasm. “F’ing on her tits?”

Bigfoot tried his hand at “astronaut,” with Angelique guessing in vain:

Space. “Sky.”

Stars. “Galaxy.”

Moon. “Sky.”

The pair then struggled with the word “monster” for several rounds in a row, first with Bigfoot’s horrible guesses:

Halloween. “Prick or preet.”

Scary. “Herman Munster.”

Ugly. “Sasquatch?”

After the two switched roles, Angelique guessed “monster” and Howard presented the pair with $2,500 to split between.