ELIZA DUSHKU IS HOT The Howard Stern Show for February 12, 2009

THE SCHEDULE CLAIMS ANOTHER VICTIM

Artie started off the show explaining how he didn’t feel well yesterday: “I don’t know what to tell ya. You’re a good guy, Howard – you don’t want to fire anybody…I don’t know if I can do it anymore. The schedule.” Artie asked what Howard might say if he asked scale back his schedule, so Howard replied: “I would say you’ve been a great asset to the show and you’re a friend…if you can’t handle it and it’s affecting you, I’d understand…you gave it a shot and if it didn’t work, it didn’t work. You gave it a great eight years.”

Artie confessed he made the “fundamental” mistake of booking too many stand-up gigs this year: “It’s ridiculous. I don’t know how I’m handling this.” Artie added that he wants to see how well he can do with no weekend stand-up gigs – and just his duties on the show. Howard thought it sounded worth a shot: “He’s got comedy shows the next three weeks in a row.”

ARTIE ON JOAQUIN PHOENIX

After playing some clips of a nonsensical Joaquin Phoenix on Letterman, Artie recalled seeing him in LA once. “I was staying at the Bel Age hotel in LA. I saw him once in the bar there. He wasn’t drunk, he wasn’t high. I’ve never seen anyone with a look like that on their face before. He looked kind of maniacal. He looked dangerous.”

LISA G HAS STOPPED MASTURBATING

A caller asked Lisa G if she ever masturbated to thoughts of Howard, Artie, Fred or Benjy, but Lisa denied it: “I’ve been too stressed lately.” Lisa explained that she’s been so stressed by media reports on the power plays being made for Sirius, she hasn’t been able to masturbate: “When I get stressed I get really tired.” Howard told Lisa she had no reason for concern: “You go back to masturbating and not worrying about it.”

JASON AND ARTIE ON FATHERHOOD

Howard again speculated that Jason would not be a great father: “He sits around all day and smokes weed and does nothing with his life. He’s not father material.” Jason came in to say he now planned to have a kid: “Just to prove you wrong…I’d be a decent father, but I have a real fear of having a son and not being able to teach him how to be a real man.” Howard joked that the kid would be better off in an orphanage: “Octomom is a better candidate.” [Howard later told Jason he was just breaking his balls and thought that Jason really could be a good parent.]

While they were on the subject, Artie confessed that he had a pregnancy scare a while ago – with a stripper: “And this broad is looney tunes…I was like, even after the kid is born, we might consider killing it.” Artie laughed that the kid turned out not to be his: “I was one of eight candidates.”

ELIZA DUSHKU AIN’T EASY

Eliza Dushku stopped by to promote her new TV series, “Dollhouse,” and Howard asked her if it was nice to be so fit and good-looking. Eliza deflected, saying she was just a tomboy from Boston. Howard also asked when Eliza became sexually active when she first moved to LA in her early teens, but Eliza denied it (”Not a very young age.”), joking that Mickey Rourke would’ve been first in line: “I was fourteen. I saw him in a hair salon. He was with his dog and feeding me Marlboros.”

Eliza told the crew that she got some good advice early in her teens: “That’s when my brothers gave me the talk about boys. Nobody likes a whore.” Eliza said that’s why she doesn’t date Hollywood-types: “I’ve dated chimney sweepers.” Artie was shocked: “What? Were you dating in the 1800s? [You] grew up in a Dickens novel or something?” Eliza replied that the guy was a bookie who swept chimneys on the side. Artie loved it: “Wow.”

“NOBODY LIKES A WHORE.”

Eliza told the crew she became sexually active around 17 – and once made out with a girl in Vegas: “Some sleazy agent guy was like, ‘You should make out with her,’ and I was like, ‘Ok.’” Eliza said misbehavior could quickly betray a celebrity: she once had a “kiss and cuddle” with “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane and though she knew to stop there, the NYPost picked up the story/photos and claimed she’d been dating him.

Howard asked why Eliza broke up with MLB pitching ace Brad Penny, so she explained that she was free to travel with him early on, but as she picked up work, they couldn’t spend as much time together: “I’m like an 18 month marker. At 18 months you either sink or sail…but he made a good move. He’s now on the Red Sox…when he first takes the mound at Fenway, I might freak out a little. I might…yeah.”

DOUBLE A WANTS A DATE WITH ELIZA

Double A came in dressed as Cupid to meet Eliza and Howard asked him how he got so fat. Double A confessed that he’d been doing “a lot of drinking.” Howard told Double A he must be slathered in cologne (”I can smell you over here.”) but Double A ignored him and made his move, asking Eliza: “What are you doing tonight? Can we get a date or something going on?” Eliza said she had to appear on Conan and do press all night long. Double A was excited: “That’s not a no!”

ELIZA DUSHKU IS SLY, HAS A QUESTION FOR DOUBLE A

“Did you go tanning?”
“No I was in South Beach baby.”

WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO ELIZA DUSHKU?

After she left, Howard asked the guys what they’d do to Eliza if they had the chance. Gary went first: “I don’t know where to start…but if I were gonna do stuff to her, that would be the dress she should be wearing.” Benjy went next, using a soft voice (”I’d push her legs back…”) but Howard got creeped out and cut him off.

SHAWNA LENEE IS TROUBLED

Shawna Lenee stopped by to promote her Penthouse cover and told the crew she was 21 – and been in porn since she was 18 and 5 days. Howard asked Shawna about reports that she once tried to kill herself, so she confessed to going through “a lot of baby-daddy issues…it’s hard to balance family and what you want to do.” Shawna added that she had the kid when she was 17, but he’s not living with her right now: “My baby-daddy won’t let me take him outside the state of Ohio.”

Shawna admitted there were other factors in her suicide attempt: “I don’t know what was going on…I had a bunch of people in the adult industry trying to take advantage of me at that time.” Howard pressed for details, so she explained: “I fell into the drug thing for a while…I was on meth for about 10 months. My life fell apart. I did it once and was hooked. One time. I wanted it the next day.”

METH LEADS TO ORAL AND SUICIDE

Howard asked if Shawna ever blew guys for meth, and she laughed: “I think I did, actually.” Shawna said her problems and addictions eventually caused her to take a razor to her wrist – and then showed Howard the scars. Shawna told Howard that she’d like to cover up the scars: “I would love to get those fixed.”

CRAVES ANAL, LOVES STRIPPING

Shawna noted that she lived with Nick “Dropping Loads” Manning, but they’re not dating. Howard asked Shawna if she liked anal, but she claimed she’d only done it once in her personal life: “I think about doing it again. I kind of crave it. So you could say that I like it.”

Shawna also said she loved to dance topless, so Fred cued up a beat and Howard let her go crazy. Shawna’s dancing inspired Artie to change his ways: “Howard? I’ll be here every day. I’m sorry.”

SHAWNA ALSO LOVES…

“I love to eat girls out. I love to finger them…I love to watch guys jack off…I have a very tight pussy. I can also control my pussy very well. I can squeeze it…I wish I had a cock so I could stick it in my pussy and see what it feels like.”

…AND TOPS IT OFF WITH A SYBIAN RIDE

Shawna then jumped on the Sybian and took it for a ride: “I didn’t masturbate yesterday so this’ll be really good…it’s making me shake really bad.

Fun! Oh, f’. Oh my god…oh my god oh my god oh my god…it feels so f’ing good…alright guys, now I’m, like, sliding my clit up and down on it…oh my god oh my god…oh f’ yeah, I’m gonna come…Oh! Okay.”

Howard was impressed: “What a girl.”

MIKE WALKER’S GOSSIP GAME

As he does every Thursday, Howard got Mike Walker from The National Enquirer on the line to play The Gossip Game, in which Mike reads four gossip items – three (allegedly) true, one false – and the crew has to guess the fake. After a quick hello, Mike read this week’s stories:

1. Mick Jagger doesn’t tip – he won’t even let friends leave a $5 bill on the table.

2. Paul McCartney bought an apartment he was partying at – on the spot – after hearing it was for sale.

3. Jennifer Aniston is scared that John Mayer isn’t committed to her after hearing that he’s looking at houses in the Valley.

4. Joe Pesci blew up in a restaurant after being asked to remove his hat.

Howard and Artie thought the Joe Pesci story was just an excuse for Mike to do an impression, Robin went with the Mick Jagger item, and Fred guessed that Paul McCartney was too cheap to buy a $12 million apartment on a whim. Mike then confirmed that Fred was right yet again.