Flying solo – The Howard Stern ShowTuesday,  November 18, 2008FLYING SOLO The Howard Stern Show for November 18, 2008ERIC THE MIDGET’S LIST OF DEMANDSHoward started off the show taking a call from Eric the Midget, who again demanded an apology from Natalie Maines for statements she’d made about the Bunny Ranch whores who took his virginity.
Eric also wanted an apology from Howard because he discovered that the guy who took his Real Doll measurements wasn’t really affiliated with the company. Howard admitted the guy was a comedian: “But that doesn’t mean he can’t take measurements…quite frankly, I could’ve measured you…The company doesn’t usually make dolls based on real people. Why would they employ a full time measurer?” Artie thought it would be funny if Eric had sex with his Real Doll, so he could truly, “Go f’ himself.”

GARY THE RETARD WANTS MISS HOWARD STERNGary the Retard also called in with some demands, saying that he wanted to come in with Miss Howard Stern and Zolar. Apparently Zolar’s been pestering him with some prank phone calls. (Or something like that – even Howard was confused: “Can anyone tell me what he just said?”) Gary explained that Zolar calls to tell him that he’s chained Miss Howard Stern to a heater in his bathroom, so Howard said: “I think he’s making these things up.”

Howard also speculated that Gary had the hots for Miss Howard Stern, and Gary confirmed it: “Me and her will go on a date and make you jealous.” Howard asked if Gary wanted her to have his baby, and Gary said yes. Artie joked: “That’d be one dumb kid.” Gary angrily shot back that he never asked for Artie’s two cents.

ARE YOU A J-MATE?Howard played a clip from yesterday’s Wrap-Up Show of JD discussing how his older female fans remind him of Clay Aiken’s crazed “Clay-mates”/supporters: “I don’t know. I shouldn’t've…It was a stupid thing to think of…the more women that are forthright with their wantingness or whatever [are older].” Howard particularly enjoyed JD’s jumbled syntax/grammar and use of the word “wantingness.”
ARTIE REVEALS MORELisa G reported that she’d interviewed Artie’s sister about a story from “Too Fat To Fish” in which Artie details his attempt to commit suicide. Artie jumped in to explain that he once ran out of coke when he was working at MadTV, “And I was out of my mind.
I wrote a full note to my mom and my sister.” Artie said he took 25 sleeping pills and a whole bottle of Exedrin PM and chased them all with a half-bottle of Jack Daniels. Artie added that the note read something like, “Ma and Stace, I’m sorry about this but I can’t deal with life for some reason. This is not your fault but I can’t keep living. I love you and I’ll see you later or somewhere.”
Howard asked Artie if he rewrote the note at all, and Artie admitted that he did: “About three times…The next thing I remember I was in my friend David Herman’s car on the way to the hospital…then I guess I passed out or something and the next thing I remember was the nurse putting the catheter in me.”
Artie later learned that MadTV’s assistant directors had gone looking for him after he’d missed a table reading and found him and the note. In a panic, they’d called 911 and David Herman (Artie’s best friend) and David beat the ambulance to Artie’s place.ARTIE FLIES OVER THE CUCKOO’S NESTArtie said his mom and his sister flew out to be with him while he was recovering, and when David gave them the note, Artie’s mom turned it into the authorities. The doctors immediately strapped him down and sent him to the Cedars-Sinai psych ward.
Artie laughed that a fellow inmate named Gus was known to take advantage of the ward’s open door policy: “About 5 in the morning, Gus walks in and said, ‘You’re new,’ and I said, ‘You’re right, Gus,’ and then he sat down on the bed and I had the best conversation I ever had in LA.” Later, as Artie left for to recover closer to his family in New York, “MadTV” executive producer and music industry legend, Quincy Jones came to him and promised, “When you come back here, you’re [still] gonna have a job.”
SCOTT WEILAND’S A LITTLE LATEScott Weiland was supposed to stop by to promote his new record, “Happy in Galoshes,” but got delayed on the way in so Howard spent some time talking to the album’s producer, Doug Grean. Then, while Howard was playing his version of “Hurdy Gurdy Man” for Doug, Scott showed up…but not before Doug told Howard that he really liked the song.
Scott talked about how he was “freeing himself” now, like David Bowie did during his LA period. Scott also claimed he’d been heroin-free for almost 6 years and dealing everyday with his bi-polar disorder. Howard wondered if Scott had ever had a “full psychotic break,” and Scott replied: “Only when I was smoking or shooting cocaine.”
ROCK STAR DIVORCE AIN’T EASYRobin asked why Scott’s performances have been erratic lately (a reference to the time she went to see him earlier this year and he took forever to take the stage and, later, was incoherent) Scott said his failing marriage wasn’t the only thing weighing on him: “My brother died [this year]…it was drug related.” Scott added that the situation with his wife was “very complicated,” as she left him to figure things out on his own when he needed her most: “I have a [new] girlfriend now…a model/actress/director.”

WEARING SKIRTS DOES NOT MAKE YOU BISEXUALScott performed “Killing Me Sweetly” from the record, explaining that it was about the time he first met his ex-wife: “It’s sort of a timeline.” Howard then asked if Scott’s tendency to kiss fellow Stone Temple Pilot members while on stage meant he was bisexual, but Scott denied it, saying it was usually done during “Sex Type Thing” to be ironic. Ralph called in to say there was a pattern to Scott’s bi-behavior, as he’s also known for wearing skirts on (and off) stage, but Scott dismissed the charges: “I haven’t worn a skirt in a while.”
The raging wildfires in California burned down Christopher Lloyd’s home.
As California burns, its Governor has become worried about global warming.
Unhappy people watch more TV
A lot of American kids went hungry last year.
Salman Rushdie’s “Midnight’s Children” is being made into a movie. Al Franken is acting like he won his Senate seat.

President Elect Obama met with McCain yesterday.
Some hunter accidentally shot a toddler.
Lawmakers in Washington are still considering a bailout for the Big Three automakers.
Charlize Theron has been named the UN’s Messenger of Peace. “Twilight” has some rabid fans.
A Notorious B.I.G. biopic is coming soon.

Scott Weiland confessed that he needed his Afrin.
Scott Weiland said his favorite drink was a White Russian.
Steve Langford reported that the Geo Group has been re-indicted on murder charges related to a death in one of their prisons.
Record producer Doug Grean said he met Scott Weiland in rehab.
Artie referenced Ricky Gervais’ new HBO special.
Howard laughed that you could now order Dominos Pizza with your Tivo.
Artie noted that his friend David Herman played
Michael Bolton in “Office Space.”
Speech Impediment Man wondered why Howard’s cover of “Hurdy Gurdy Man” didn’t become a huge hit.
Lisa G said she’d never get breast implants.
Howard read the story of MJ and the Sheikh.Tuesday’s Show