Date posted: December 19, 2008

Friday,  December 19, 2008The Best of the Week December 15 – 19 The Howard Stern Show for December 19, 2008PETE WENTZ TELLS ALL…I MEAN ALL MR.ASHLEE SIMPSON

Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz stopped by to promote the band’s new album and Howard told him how much he liked his wife, Ashlee Simpson: “Better than that other one. Her sister.” Pete laughed: “Yeah, me too.” Robin asked if the paparazzi was a pain, and Pete admitted it was: “It becomes dangerous and annoying…we’ll [go] an hour out of the way [and use] a diversion tactic to avoid them.” Howard asked if Pete became a tabloid target before or after marrying Ashlee, so Pete laughed it was definitely all about Ashlee: “I’m kind of like a purse for my wife.”

Pete told the crew that he had been a pretty wild kid: he used to take a lot of hallucinogens, was sent away to a “boot camp” reform school by his parents and once got drugged up on Ambien and played Russian roulette: “You’re on Ambien so it’s like a cartoon. It’s like the minute before you bungee jump or get on a plane.” Howard didn’t think getting on planes was so hard, but Pete explained he struggled with anxiety so severely that he couldn’t travel on planes for years after Fall Out Boy first broke.

AMBIEN BLOCKS LINDSAY LOHAN

Howard asked Pete what it was like to date Michelle Trachtenberg, but Pete would only say, “She’s a nice girl,” adding that Michelle dumped him during his hard-partying days. Howard noted that Pete also dated Lindsay Lohan, and Pete confessed that “I don’t feel like we ever dated…I was so deep in Ambien-land, I don’t think any of that connection ever happened.”

PETE ON JOE SIMPSON & ASHLEE’S NOSE

Howard asked how Pete and Ashlee got together, so Pete said he did an interview with Rolling Stone and admitted he had a crush on her. Later, he met her at a party and though they were fast friends, they were with other people at the time. They didn’t get together until much later. Howard asked if Pete met her before or after her nosejob, and Pete answered: “I met her pre.” Pete then laughed that when he first met Ashlee’s dad, Joe Simpson, he told him, “Pete, we saw a little too much of you on the Internet last year.”

HOWARD GETS THE WORST GIFT EVER

THE HOWARD STERN LOAN RELIEF PROGRAM

Howard started off the show with the Secret Santa gift exchange and presented Ken the Intern with a check to cover a major portion of his outstanding student loans. Ted Sommer from HowardTV then came in to give Howard his gift, but before he did he promised to be gracious no matter what it was. Gary then piped into ask if he really meant that and reported that the guys in the back office were betting that it would take about 30 seconds for him to start trashing his gift.

Ted then unveiled his gift: a 350lb black marble gravestone. Howard was shocked: “Wow. Isn’t that nice? I promised to be gracious. Thank you, Ted.”

Howard agreed that the gift was a bummer: “Way to suck up to your boss.” Ted laughed that it could be used as a [350lbs.] doorstopper, and Doug Goodstein from HowardTV came in to suggest that they smash it with a sledgehammer. Howard didn’t like the ideas anymore than the gift: “It’s creepy.”

WHAT’S IN A NAME?

Benjy’s gift to Fred was a bunch of domain names, including:

FredNorris.mobi, jokejokeland.com, dirtyfilthywhorecookiesforthesusanbkomenfoundation.com and lisagsprettypinkpussy.com. Benjy explained that he’d bought them all in hopes that Fred would develop a Web presence for himself.

Artie presented a HowardTV staffer with a $500 gift certificate to the Yankees store and four tickets to any Yankees home game: “Anything but the playoffs.” Robin noted that she’d been given a gift certificate to Pure Food & Wine and gave Keith from HowardTV a Best Buy gift card for $1500. Artie scoffed: “Technically mine’s worth more.”

WENDY THE RETARD NEEDS MONEY FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Wendy the Retard called in to wish everyone a happy holiday…and to ask for money. Robin and Howard asked what happened to the deal they made last time (the show gave Wendy some money under the condition she never call back to beg for more), so Wendy coughed that she wanted to renegotiate.

Howard asked if Wendy was coughing/sick because she was overweight, and Wendy admitted that the theory was probably true, as she’s up to 230lbs. Howard told Wendy that she should grow taller instead of fatter, but Wendy didn’t think that was a possibility: “Because I came out a little retarded.” Howard then promised Wendy $500 if she could answer a few questions correctly:

What is math? Wendy: “Math is where you add, subtract, take away and divide.”

What is 8 plus 7? Wendy: “20.” {Howard laughed that he’d give it to her anyway because she was within five.}

What do you do if there’s a fire in a movie theater? Wendy: “You should go to the fire exit.”

What’s wrong with the Jews? Wendy: “They need to spend more time with Chinese people…[and] they don’t have more common sense than other people.”

Why does everyone hate the Jews? Wendy: “Because people do not get along with them…because the Jews hate everybody and the Jews hate everyone that they don’t like.”

How can you tell if a person is a Jew? Wendy: “They tap your shoulder when they introduce themselves to you.”

Are a Jew’s horns 2, 3 or 5 inches tall? Wendy: “3 inches?” (When asked how she knew the answer, Wendy explained that she’d never seen a Jew’s horns herself, she just knew the answer from a test she took before graduating high school.)

Why would a white woman sleep with a black man? Wendy: “Because they love the black person.”

What do you get when you mate a black person with a horse? Wendy: “A donkey?”

Why are black people scared of water? Wendy: “Because it’s deep.”

What do you get when you mate a donkey with a Jew? Wendy: “A horse?”

What do you get when you mate a Jew and a black person? Wendy: “A donkey?”

Howard congratulated Wendy on answering all the questions correctly and awarded her $500. Wendy said she planned to use the money to buy her mom a deep fryer.
DARREN ARONOFSKY – DIRECTOR OF THE WRESTLER CALLS IN DARREN ARONOFSKY LOVES DARK PLACES

Darren Aronofsky called in to promote his latest film, “The Wrestler,” and Howard told him it was one of the best films of the year. Darren thanked Howard and said he never knew he’d be a filmmaker: “I didn’t touch a camera until I was in college.” Howard wondered how Darren broke into Hollywood, so Darren explained that he managed to make his first feature, “Pi,” for less than $60,000 – and it went on to make 8 figures worldwide.

Howard asked Darren if he slept with Jennifer Connelly (the star of Darren’s second film, “Requiem for a Dream”), but Darren refused to answer: “I can’t cross that line…I wish I could tell you.” Artie referenced one of Jennifer’s most infamous scenes in the film, and Darren explained that it took all night to shoot: “When we were done, my DP turned to me and said, ‘That’s the most f’ed up thing we’ve ever done.’” Adding that Jennifer almost backed out until Darren explained how the film had to go into “the darkest places” in order to be successful.

ARONOFSKY’S BUSY CASTING COUCH

Robin admitted she wasn’t a fan of Darren’s third film, “The Fountain,” and Darren replied that it was the work he’s most proud of: “It’s worth a second viewing, Robin.” Howard then told the story behind Mickey Rourke’s casting in “The Wrestler,” and Darren said he could have had a $19 million budget with Nicholas Cage or a $6 million one with Mickey: “I was just very straight with [Mickey]. I said, ‘I’m doing with this for you.’”

Artie asked Darren if his ill-fated audition for a smaller role in “The Wrestler” was an elaborate joke to get back at him for mocking Darren at a party in LA back in the 90s. Darren said he didn’t even recall the incident, much less ever arrange for a vengeful audition: “The issue was that you’re too recognizable. You’d pop out of the crowd…that’s why there’s no other famous wrestlers in the movie.” Artie laughed: “All my representatives will love you for that answer.”
PENTHOUSE PETS TAYA AND TEAGAN VISIT YOU WON’T STRAY FROM A PORN STAR

Howard welcomed Taya Parker, the Penthouse Pet of the Year for 2009, and porn star/Penthouse Pet of the Month Teagan Presley. Howard told Teagan she was too hot to be a porn star and asked Taya how she was discovered.

Taya said she started as an exotic dancer and eventually sent some pictures into Penthouse. Both girls said they were into anal sex, which led Howard to speculate that men would be happier with uninhibited girls like them. Teagan said he was right: “[They're] less likely to stray.”

Teagan told the crew that she was really into rough sex, including slapping and hair-pulling – she doesn’t even like foreplay. Howard asked if she could orgasm without any foreplay, and Teagan reported that she could: “I once set a record.

23 orgasms in one session…I was tired.” Howard then turned to Taya and asked if she gave private dances, she said she used to, but now she just usually does burlesque-type performances.

JD ENJOYS A STRIPPER TRICK

Taya wanted to show the crew her special lapdance “trick,” so JD came in and sat down while Taya did a handstand and arched her back so her crotch was in his face.

Howard didn’t even know how to describe the stunt, so Teagan stepped in: “It’s a back bend with her [crotch] in his face.” JD was a fan of the trick: “She’s a got a great ass. I loved it in my face.” Taya then said she once danced for a guy and he had an “accident” in less than 15 seconds.

Howard asked if Taya had ever danced for any celebrities, so she listed Kid Rock, Pam Anderson and Harrison Ford. Taya said Kid and Pam were fun but when she and some friends danced for Harrison Ford, he was kind of mean to them. Howard wondered if the girls were popular in high school, but Teagan denied it, saying she moved around too much to have many friends.

GIRL-GIRL PORN IS NOT HARDCORE

Teagan noted that she wasn’t doing guy-girl porn any more due to a child custody battle – she’s only doing girl-girl, because “it’s not hardcore” – but, based on a past performance, was up for an AVN Award: Best Anal Sex Scene.

Teagan impressed Artie by reporting that the scene in question featured some rough anal sex – and some organic extra virgin olive oil for lube.

Howard wondered if Teagan could orgasm from anal sex, and she claimed she could.

THE SYBIAN FAILS TWICE OVER

Jeff the Drunk called in ask that Taya take a Sybian ride, and she was game, so Gary came in and picked up the controls. .

Taya didn’t seem to enjoy the experience: “My teeth are chattering…I gotta tell you, it’s making me numb…I don’t like it!” The gang then tried to get Teagan to jump on, but she resisted: “I don’t really come from clitoral stimulation.”

Friday’s Show

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