Going commando – The Howard Stern Show
Going commando – The Howard Stern Show
Tuesday, July 29, 2008GOING COMMANDO The Howard Stern Show for July 29, 2008ERIC THE CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT
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Eric the Midget called in to ask a few questions about the merger, including which staff members would be fired first if there were budget cutbacks. Howard said none of the staff would go, because he would go with them: “That would break our deal…[and] I’ll tell you one thing about Mel, Eric: He’s not a dealbreaker.” Eric said he was hoping that Shuli and Steve Langford from the Howard100 News would be the first to go, but Howard replied that was not going to happen.
HowardTV brought up Eric’s webcam feed on the in-studio monitors and Howard marveled at the giant zit on Eric’s chin. Artie thought Eric’s green outfit and red zit made him look like a little Christmas ornament, so Eric shot back that Artie would never be a little anything. A caller thought that Eric deserved to be “dwarf-tossed” off a bridge, but Howard didn’t warm to the idea, instead he asked if Eric would bequeath his body to the show when he dies. Eric, as usual, refused to cooperate.ROBIN MOVES ON
Howard congratulated Robin on putting a “good face” on her break-up with Jim, but Robin said she wasn’t exactly pleased: “Who would be happy about it?” Howard said he’d heard that Robin was more hurt and upset than she was letting on, so Robin asked who he’d been talking to. Howard admitted that he was just mining for material and was still annoyed that Robin hadn’t heard him when he was yelling at her in Central Park.
Howard then remarked that if Robin was serious about wanting to date a 25-year-old now, he had the perfect guy for her – and read a letter from a guy who works nearby and wants to be Robin’s next conquest. Robin looked at the pictures and said the kid looked very all-American, so Howard told Gary to book the guy. Robin said she hoped the kid was not, like Jim (“toward the end”), prone to game-playing.WHAT IS A “SOULMATE?”
Based on a question posed by Bobo, the gang discussed the concept of a “soulmate,” and each had a different take: Howard didn’t believe in the idea, as he thought it was possible to make a relationship work with any number of people. Robin laughed that “anyone you meet” was her favorite definition. Artie just wanted his soulmate to stay as far away from him as possible, adding that the conversation proved just how improbable it was that your high school sweetheart could be the only one you’re meant to be with.“SUPERSIZE IT. THAT’S CHEAPER.” 
Howard played a clip from last night’s Nick Dipaolo Show of Nick telling the story about Artie talking in his sleep during their trip to Afghanistan: “Supersize it. That’s cheaper.” Artie noted
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that Nick does a great impression of his habit of swinging his arms in his sleep: “I guess it looks like I’m having a seizure or something.” Artie added that he just got rid of a rash from the trip, and the doctor gave me a shot of Benadryl and it went away but they still don’t know what caused it.WITH THIS “B” I THEE WED
A caller asked if Howard was writing his own vows, and Howard confirmed that he was. Howard said he was also planning to get the “B” tattoo on his ring finger sometime next week, and he wasn’t worried about the commitment: “If Beth stops running and gets fat, it’ll just serve as a reminder [of the relationship that was – and is no longer].” Howard added that another dealbreaker was children: “If Beth decides she wants a kid a year from now, we already know what the solution is.”
JESSE VENTURA IS PRO-UNION, …
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Jesse Ventura stopped by and immediately started talking about how professional wrestling ruined his hips with a move called a “backdrop.” Howard asked if Jesse had any enemy kills when he was a Navy Seal, but Jesse still refused to say: “That’s something any military man keeps to himself.” Jesse said even his own father would only tell him the “fun stuff” about war – he had to hear from his mother that his dad had driven a tank over fields of dead bodies.
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Robin complained that Jesse no longer shaved his head, so Jesse laughed that he not only had hair now – he also dyes it. Howard asked why Jesse didn’t like Hulk Hogan, which led Jesse to tell a story about trying to unionize the WWF wrestlers, only to almost be fired after Hogan ratted him out to Vince McMahon. Jesse said the wrestlers don’t have a union to this very day – they’re considered “independent contractors” by the government.
…AN INDEPENDENT TRUTHER, …Howard asked Jesse why he decided not to run for one of Minnesota’s seats in the US Senate, so Jesse explained that an independent candidate doesn’t get support or protection from “the good ol’ boys club” and is therefore subject to abject scrutiny. Howard wondered why Al Franken – one of the guys Jesse would’ve been running against for the seat – has had such an unsuccessful campaign, and Jesse cited Al’s carpetbagging condescension as a major turn-off for Minnesota voters.
Howard asked if Jesse would ever run for the presidency, but Jesse dismissed the idea, saying an independent president would be assassinated immediately. Jesse added that he wasn’t even a believer in the official version of September 11th anymore and began spouting “truther” theories: “I think [Osama Bin Laden] is the modern Lee Harvey Oswald…We have the Boogeyman out there.” Howard replied that he didn’t think Bush was evil enough to attack his own country….AND GOING COMMANDOJesse told the crew about his time in Vietnam, which led Robin to ask if he ever patronized Vietnamese prostitutes. Jesse said, “Hell no! I did that in the Philippines.” Jesse also confessed that one of the rules of the Navy SEALS was that they never wear underwear: “And I still don’t.” Jesse then pulled down his pants to show Howard that was telling the truth.THE SIRIUS XM MERGER IS OFFICIAL!
Howard officially welcomed Sirius XM to the corporate world. Howard said the combined company now has 18.5 million subscribers, and he believes it will become the dominant radio medium. Robin applauded Howard for taking such a risk by jumping to satellite, and Howard thanked her, saying he was glad to see it pay off. Artie said he wanted to start drinking: “This is what we have the bar in for, right?” Howard then addressed the NAB: “Get ready for the fight!”
Ben Stern (Howard’s father) called in to say that he was very happy with the news, as it proved the FCC was just a useless piece of red tape. Ben pointed out that even their $500,000 fine against CBS for Janet Jackson’s SuperBowl wardrobe malfunction had been overturned. Ben kept lavishing praise on Mel Karmazin for brokering the deal, but Howard quickly became irritated: “What about me?” Howard then said he was joking: Mel will be in tomorrow to celebrate and explain the deal’s details.
ERIC THE NOSE-PICKER
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Eric the Midget claimed Steve Langford was lying about him being caught picking his nose on his webcam: “Go f’ing die, Langford!” Langford replied that he had multiple sources/witnesses and also cited Eric’s track record of lying: “The people I interviewed gave definitive answers.” Howard asked Eric to swear on the life of his mother that he didn’t eat his boogers, but Eric refused. Steve then took a bow. Eventually Eric swore on his mom’s life…but only under duress.
FRED IS SCOURGE OF THE PARKING LOT
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Steve Langford also reported that Fred was seen getting into a confrontation in a parking log last weekend. Fred explained that his wife had hurt her foot and was wearing a cast – and walking with a cane – so he wanted to pick her up at the store’s exit. However, the car in front of him wouldn’t move out of his way, so Fred honked his horn a few times. Steve said his source claims Fred was very angry, so Fred finally confessed: “I might have been a little hot…The person was being obnoxious and being an asshole.”
Amy Winehouse has been hospitalized…again.
Jon Voigt is not an Obama fan.
There’s a baby boom going on in Hollywood.
Bono is the godfather of the Chosen Two.
Robert Novak has a brain tumor.
Beware lobster liver.
The Olympics are going to be polluted.
A guy was arrested for stealing Batman memorabilia – while dressed as the Joker.
A New Jersey lawmaker has resigned after kiddie porn was found on his computer.
President Bush is the king of deficits.
John McCain had a spot removed from his face.
Some wacko shot up a church because he hates liberals.
“The Dark Knight” is making a lot of money.
Kevin Costner’s “Swingvote” is coming to theaters.
“X-Files” movie is getting bad reviews.
Wesley Snipes is in more trouble.Artie noted that he loved “Eastern Promises.”
said if he was having a party, he would invite Robin before Jim: “As a woman, I would leave it up to [her]…and she has a boat.”
The crew celebrated the Sirius XM merger.
Jesse Ventura said he’s been paid more in royalties for “Predator” than for the job itself.
Jesse told the crew about his BUDS training
Jesse said he used to ride with the Mongols Motorcycle Club
Howard referenced Tommy Mottola’s baby with Thalia.
Howard noted that the Iron Sheik used to call Jesse Ventura “The Medicine Man.”
Howard played a clip from The Greg Fitzsimmons Show of High Pitch Erik discussing his most recent jail stint (for credit card fraud) and citing his favorite part of jail…the peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches. Tuesday’s Show%7Cutmcsr%3Dhttp%3A%2F%2Fhowardstern%2Ecom%2Frundown%2Ehs%7Cutmcmd%3Drss%3B%2B){kind=small}
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