HOT BUT NOT BOTHERED The Howard Stern Show for March 26, 2009

BEWARE OF KNIFE FETISHISTS…AND BENJY

Howard started the show lecturing Benjy on the dangers of picking up women online. Benjy said the Internet provided the opportunity for “niche marketing,” explaining how, he just says what he wants and then waits – eventually someone comes along: “It’s like fishing.” Howard replied by reading the story of radio veteran George Webber, who was murdered during a rendezvous he had planned online: he trolled for violent sex and snagged a knife fetishist, who ended up giving him more than he bargained for.

HOW LONG ARTIE WOULD DATE JENNIFER ANISTON

“As long as it takes me to eat all the food down by the pool.”

DIDDLING THE JOKE MAN

Howard played a recent clip from Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling’s “Joke Hunt” show in which he discussed using a vibrator on his girlfriend. In the clip, Jackie admitted that she turned the tables and used it on his butt, telling him, “You were very clean.” Howard couldn’t figure out what Jackie was talking about, so Robin explained that “very clean” implied that there was enough penetration to maybe strike mud.

ROSS ZAPIN’S SPRINGSTEEN EMAIL FEEDS

Gary told the crew that Sirius VP Ross Zapin recently befriended Jimmy Fallon and added him to his Springsteen-fanatic email distribution list. After being inundated with Ross’ mid-concert set-list updates, Jimmy called asking him to be taken off the list. Artie said he was also on the list: “Ross is a great guy but he does do this a lot.” Gary then read some of the messages Ross sends out during a recent concert as well as some of the hilarious responses, like, “Bring it, R.Z.!” Howard thought it was retarded: “These guys are all gay.”

RICHARD ROEPER CHECKS IN

Richard Roeper called in to promote his new book and told the crew he left “At the Movies” because the producers wanted to “stomp all over the legacy of the show” by throwing out the Two Thumbs Up-system and introducing Ben Lyons as a co-host: “Who’s a nice kid, but he’s never reviewed a movie or written an article in his life.” Richard said he still hangs with Ebert: “I see him at screenings here almost every day.”

WINNING WHEN YOU WANT TO LOSE

Richard noted that he was writing a new book in which he gambles $1,000 every day for a month – each day he gambles on something new or in a different form: “I’m in day seven…when one of my degenerate gambling friends heard, he bet me $1,000 that I’d lose $15,000 during the course of writing the book.”

Richard said his luck wasn’t currently sticking with the book’s planned anti-gambling message – given the $3,000 he just won thanks to a random slot machine: “I was like, ‘I’m ruining this book here’…overall, I’m up about 4 grand.” Richard laughed that he followed up the jackpot by getting a Royal Flush in a game of Texas Hold ‘Em: “I mean, the odds are like a million to one.”

ARTIE WAGERS ON THE MEMPHIS/MISSOURI GAME

Richard said he’d like today’s bet to be against one of Artie’s March Madness picks, and Artie obliged: “I like Memphis giving four-and-a-half points to Missouri. So you got Missouri and four-and-a-half.” Richard agreed with a “Go Tigers!”

BEWARE STORKS AND SALMON

Howard repeatedly mocked Eric the Midget’s “American Idol” commentary show, so Eric the Midget called in to defend himself: “I’m not gonna stop doing that show and it’s not horrible.” Eric added that current favorite Adam Lambert was “the worst contestant in the history of the show.”

HowardTV brought up Eric’s webcam feed on the in-studio monitors, and Howard pointed out a large red mark on Eric’s forehead. Eric explained that this was part of his condition: “It’s called Stork’s Footprint.” After Googling the condition, Fred laughed that he couldn’t find anything called “Stork’s Footprint” but did find an ailment called a “Stork Bite” and was also referred to as “Salmon Patch.”

THEA VIDALE SPEAKS GOOD

Veteran comedian Thea Vidale stopped by to promote her upcoming stand-up gigs and said she should be a bigger success – like the Queens of Comedy. Thea speculated that her inability to play the politics game probably had something to do with this: “Mo’nique hangs in with a clique. I’m not a clique bitch.” Thea added that she was victim of Los Angeles latent racism: “LA stands for Like Alabama. The only thing they don’t do in Alabama is surf…Since when do we let action heroes be the governor? He can’t even speak good!”

THEA VIDALE ON OCTOMOM

“She got 2 titties! She need like 6 more titties to feed them babies!”

…ON REASONS TO LOVE “TITANTIC”

“It looked like a big bowl of soup with a bunch of crackers.”

QUICK GARY, FAN MISS VIDALE

At one point during her interview, Thea started coughing and Howard asked if she was ok. Thea replied that it was very warm in the studio, which was making her cough – so Howard clapped his hands, commanding Gary to bring water and a fan to the studio. As the fan cooled her down, Thea thanked Gary. Howard thought Thea might be experiencing hot flashes related to menopause.

However, Thea shot that theory down, explaining how she had gone for a few months thinking he might have been right, but recently started getting her period again. Thea went on to tell how she got her start in comedy telling stories about working at restaurant in Texas where, among other things, she had to serve klansmen who would come full “uniform.”

THE GOSSIP GAME

Howard got The National Enquirer’s Mike Walker on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play The Gossip Game, in which Mike reads four gossip items – three (allegedly) true, one false – and the crew has to pick the fake. After a quick hello, Mike read this week’s stories:

1. Ryan Seacrest tipped $2,000 on an $1,800 bill.

2. Kevin Federline is recording a second album.

3. Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz left a cart full of paper products in a Costco parking lot because it wouldn’t fit in their car.

4. Paula Abdul’s fluctuating weight is causing problems for Fox’s wardrobe department – and censors.

Robin immediately picked the Paula Abdul item, Artie went with K-Fed and both Howard and Fred thought Ryan Seacrest’s generosity was too good to be true. Mike then gleefully announced that he’d beaten everyone: the Ashlee Simpson/Pete Wentz item was the fake.

Lisa Ling’s sister has been jailed in North Korea.

Some dude was arrested for stalking a “Dancing with the Stars” contestant.