KURT WAXES POETIC The Howard Stern Show for March 24, 2009

THE SECRET FOR A STRESS FREE FLIGHT

Howard started off the show saying he never wanted to hear about Richard’s airport bathroom masturbation habits ever again: “It disgusts me. I’m asking you personally to stop doing that.” Richard came in to say he couldn’t help it: “It’s not because I’m horny. It’s because I’m stressed and nervous about flying.” Artie couldn’t figure out how Richard could even get hard in the airport, but Richard said that had never been a problem for him.

RICHARD SOAKS IT IN

Sal then came in to say masturbation wasn’t close to Richard’s most disgusting travel habits – he also pads around shoeless on his flights. He even once went so far as to ignore one plane’s “murky filth-coated” bathroom floor, and as if that wasn’t bad enough – he wore the same socks all weekend. Richard explained: “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.”

SARAH SILVERMAN TURNED HOWARD DOWN

A caller asked Howard if he had ever heard Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman having sex when they were on vacation together, but Howard denied it. Howard added that he believed Sarah was a very loving and “physical” girlfriend, but she has so far spurned his efforts to mediate the couple’s reconciliation.

ELEPHANT BOY’S GAY PHASE

Fred the Elephant Boy came in so they could figure out what he’d have to do to meet professional wrestler Kurt Angle who was scheduled to be on later, and Howard laughed that he’d gained a lot of weight – and still wears that fannypack. Howard asked Elephant Boy if his devotion to wrestling stars was a symptom of his homosexuality, but Elephant Boy claimed he was now a straight man: “To me, it was a phase…that was years ago.” Elephant Boy joked that even if he did go gay again, his prospects weren’t pretty: “The most I could get is old, old guys.”

Howard asked if Fred had ever had anal sex during his gay phase, but Elephant Boy denied it – only to confess later: “Yeah. I did.” While Elephant Boy was being honest, Howard presented him with an all-pro wrestler F-Marry-Kill scenario. Elephant Boy took his time (”I have to think about it.”) and eventually chose to marry Mick Foley, F Kurt Angle and kill Hulk Hogan. Artie thought just thinking about it was too gay: “The right answer in Jersey is kill all three of them.”

HE REEKS IN A BIKINI

Elephant Boy said he was angry with HowardTV’s Doug Goodstein for saying he “reeked” at the taping of Wack Pack Bowling, so Doug came in to take another whiff: “It smells like B.O. and deodorant that’s covering B.O.”

Howard then outlined what Elephant Boy would have to do to meet Kurt Angle: put on a bikini (and, at Artie’s request, tape a dildo to his chest) and sit on the Sybian while Kurt is in studio. Then, as Elephant Boy asks Kurt questions, he’d also have to endure the Sybian’s highest vibration setting.

KURT ANGLE COULD BE DOING BETTER

After the break, Elephant Boy came in wearing a polka-dot bikini and a dildo taped to his chest and sat on the Sybian as Will took up the controls. TNA wrestler Kurt Angle followed Elephant Boy in – and Elephant Boy asked how he was doing, as the Sybian rev’ed underneath him.

Kurt took one look at the scene before him and laughed: “I was a lot better before I came in here.”

Elephant Boy then tried to ask Kurt several questions from his seat on the Sybian, but between his speech impediment and the machine’s loud vibrations, it was hard to tell what he was asking.

Kurt told Howard that he was 4-years sober from what used to be a 100-pill-a-day addiction to pain killers: “Anything extra strength. It couldn’t just be regular…it actually made me feel straight. It made me feel normal.”

Kurt said his problem stemmed from the fact that he broke his neck on 4 separate occasions and it got so bad, he’d begin each day with 20 pills. Kurt said he eventually went to his boss, Vince McMahon, asking for time off to go to rehab, but Vince said no, forcing Kurt to spend the next 5 months kicking the habit himself. Kurt added that this eventually led to his leaving the WWE and that he had only just patched up his relationship with Vince. Howard asked if wrestling was also to blame for his divorce, and Kurt confirmed that he thought it probably was.

A LOVER AND A FIGHTER

Kurt confessed that he had a “major thing” for Robin: “I actually wrote her a poem…ever since ["Private Parts"] I’ve suppressed my feelings about Robin…I can’t even look at her right now.” Howard asked to hear the poem, so Kurt took his headphones off, got down on his knees to read his poem (titled “To My Love Robin”):

“To my love Robin,
I am a bachelor
and true love is hard to find
I maybe a wrestler
but you may love me for my mind.

You are living the single life again
and are ready for the next phas
and just like Dr. Roni
I will make you a new woman in 21 days.

I won a gold medal in the Olympics
they say I never have been beat
I am also a gold medalist in the sack
much better than vegetables and meat.

TNA pays me millions
to wrestle and cross the line
I will never ever bitch
even about an $800 bottle of wine.

We can go to the theater
we can roll around in the grass
we can get coffee at Starbucks
but please don’t try to squirt it up my ass.

Robin please give me a chance
for a love like you’ve never seen
and I’m much more well hung
than that damn Jim Florentine.

I will look past your shortcomings
and unlike Howard I don’t snore
I don’t even care that you scored an f’ing 34.

Any man who disrespects you
I will certainly strangle
so how does this sound my sweetheart
oh Robin Ophelia Angle.

I can make love to you all night
and I’ll make you squeal
I’ll have you screaming
its real, Damn Real.”

KURT WILL KILL YOU IN 3 SECONDS

Howard wondered if Kurt could kill everyone in the room, so Kurt estimated: “In like three seconds…I’d double-leg ya and ground-and-pound ya.” Howard asked if Kurt had ever considered getting into mixed martial arts, and Kurt replied: “I’m still considering it…but I make a lot where I am.” Kurt took a calls from a very angry Iron Sheik (today’s insult: “gold digger!” and, of course: “Jew!”) and Eric the Midget, who asked if Kurt would coming to his area anytime soon. Kurt confirmed it, even extending an invitation for the little guy to come backstage and hang out [Kurt was last on the show when Eric was also on and he had made Eric an honorary member of his Main Event Mafia at the time]. The crew warned Kurt to be careful what he was getting himself into.

Tyrese wants you to leave Chris Brown alone.

Octomom fired her nannies.

Some guy played Bernie Madoff’s booking numbers and won the lottery.

Sen. Chuck Schumer now supports gay marriage, we think.

Japan won the World Baseball Classic.