LENO’S INTERN ON THE STERN SHOW The Howard Stern Show for April 23, 2009

LET BETH IN THE BUILDING

Howard started off the show yelling at the HowardTV crew for not clearing Beth with building security yesterday – she had to wait in the lobby for half an hour before they’d let her up the elevator: “The HowardTV guys just shit on everyone in my family. It makes me look like a shit. It embarrasses me…the next time someone from my family comes in, send someone down there and have them sit in a chair.”

AND THEN GET HER DRUNK

Howard told the crew that Beth came home “wasted” from a party last night: “I don’t want to say whose party it was because I’m furious. Some shit went down there.” Howard explained that his name was used somehow – but said they at least had the courtesy to send Beth home all sauced up: “It was great for me because she was horny and wanted sex…it made her nuts. So I took advantage of that…she was so drunk she slammed her toe into the bed and probably broke it.”

BUT PLEASE, NO BABY TALK

Howard asked Fred if, given the chance, he would start a family all over again at this age, but Fred said that was a really good question, but no, he’s too old now. Howard told the crew that someone (he wouldn’t say who) approached Beth privately to tell her how she would sacrifice some happiness for a child: “This person – their occupation is one where it wasn’t based on what she has to say but what her patients say…and she’s in the position to talk to a lot of women.”

Howard then played a clip from yesterday’s Wrap-Up Show of Beth saying she felt a lot of pressure to have a baby: “I’m hearing about pregnancy on a daily basis…I’m living baby world. I’m 36 years old. This is my world…I feel horrible pressure around me. Even my parents are asking, ‘Why are you not having children?’”

ERIC THE MIDGET WON’T EULOGIZE

Eric the Midget called in to say he had a meeting “nailed down” with The Bachelor producer Robert Mills. Howard wished him luck and asked Eric if he wanted wish Blue Iris well, but Eric refused, saying that Richard and Sal used Blue Iris clips to prank call him – so he’s not a fan. Robin wondered if Eric really had bad feelings toward Blue, and the little guy got evasive: “Maybe…Maybe not.”

Later, Eric called up to threaten Fred with a bat for playing the “ack ack” clip from “Mars Attacks.” HowardTV brought Eric’s webcam feed up on the in-studio monitors and Eric held up the bat for everyone to see. Fred didn’t seem too scared though.

VAGINA TURNED ROSS “THE INTERN” GAY

Ross “The Intern” Mathews of “The Tonight Show” stopped by to promote his new Web talk show and Howard laughed that he was the gayest dude on the planet: “Did you always have this voice?” Ross laughed that he used to ask his mom when his voice would drop – but he’s still waiting. He added that when he came out, she was not surprised and asked him, “Didn’t you already tell me?”

Howard asked if Ross had ever been with a woman, and Ross said he had girlfriends when he was still “confused” – and even once entered a vagina. Performing oral on one, however, was a problem: “I was like, ‘What the hell is this jungle?’” Robin wondered when he realized he was gay, and Ross joked: “Right about the time I went down on a girl.” Howard predicted that Ross was a “bottom” in the bedroom, but Ross snapped back: “Howard! Please…look, I’m wearing, like, a plaid.”

THE FEAR OF LENO IN HIS HEART

Howard asked Ross if he thought Stuttering John was ever meant to play a bigger role on “The Tonight Show,” but Ross deflected and answered diplomatically: “I know what you’re saying…it could’ve been like this big deal.” Ross explained that he had a hard time speaking out against Jay Leno: “What would I be if he hadn’t taken a chance?” Ross then asked to speak with Eric the Midget, but when Howard let him, he found it (as Howard promised) near-impossible and laughed: “I guess you’re right. This is difficult.”

SAL’S BOULDER BUST

Howard took a call from Dennis, one of Sal’s close friends, who revealed that Sal hadn’t made the giant paper mache boulder for his son’s Indiana Jones-themed birthday party on his own. Sal came in to confirm the story: “I made it with him. I got the supplies, I helped him the best I could.” Howard laughed that no one should be trying to take credit: “I saw this boulder. The two of you would flunk a fifth-grade art class.”

Dennis then began ranting about Sal not giving him credit, but Howard tired quickly and hung up: “Dennis, we get it. We’re very sorry for you.” Exasperated, Howard turned to Sal: “Man. Your friends. Some life you’ve got there.”

THE BOBO OR BIGFOOT GAME

Howard got a listener named Farmer on the line and promised him $500 if he could win a round of The Bobo or Bigfoot Game. The rules: Howard reads a question that was asked of both Bobo and Bigfoot and the contestant has to guess who got it right (both, neither, Bobo or Bigfoot). Three out of five takes the cash. Howard then started in with the questions:

Who is the current vice-president? Farmer correctly predicted that neither would know. Bobo answered: “I know it. I just can’t think of it.” Bigfoot was closer: “Obama there or whatever his f’in name is.”

What is venison? Farmer predicted that only Bigfoot would know the answer, but Bobo was the one who nailed it: “I believe that’s deer meat.” Bigfoot was way off-base: “It’s like having credit on something.”

Who invented the telephone? Farmer correctly predicted that neither would know. Bobo was close, though: “Ma Bell?”

What do tadpoles grow up to be? Farmer thought both had to know, but Bobo failed: “Could be a praying mantis.” Bigfoot knew what was up: “Tadpoles? Turn into frogs!”

Who gave America the Statue of Liberty? Farmer didn’t think either Bobo or Bigfoot would know – and was surprised (like everyone else in-studio) when both said France. Howard gave the Farmer the cash prize anyway.

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE’S CATHETER

Johnny Knoxville called in to promote the upcoming season of “Nitro Circus” and Howard asked him about the catheter he has to shove up his penis twice daily. Johnny explained it was to prevent an old injury to his urethra from becoming permanent: “To make sure [scar tissue] won’t constrict and make it so the hole won’t go open.” Johnny laughed that his doctor recently told him good news and bad news: he doesn’t need surgery, but he’ll have to keep plumbing his urethra twice daily for the next two years.

Johnny went on to describe the procedure in which they put a camera up his penis: “They put something in your urethra to numb your penis and then shove a tube up it.” A pencil-width camera then goes up the tube. Gary asked Johnny to rate the pain on a scale of 1-10, so Johnny replied that the localized anesthetic was key: “It’s about a 2 or a 3, but the thought of a camera being up there is an 11.”

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE ON HIS PEERS

On Steve-O’s turn as a “Dancing with the Stars” contestant: “He’s battling an injury, sobriety and two left feet.”

On the scariest stunt ever performed by “Nitro Circus” star/extreme athlete Travis Pastrana: “I get frightened when Travis jumps out of an airplane without a parachute.”

THE GOSSIP GAME

Howard got Mike Walker from The National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play The Gossip Game, in which Mike reads four gossip items – three (allegedly) true, one false – and the crew has to pick the fake. This week’s stories:

1. After a successful “Oprah” episode that featured vibrator talk, Oprah has begged her writers to come up with more sexy episode ideas.

2. Heather Locklear refused to talk with Denise Richards outside a Hollywood eatery.

3. Matthew Perry is upset that Zac Efron is getting more prominent position in posters and promotional material for “17 Again.”

4. Joe Jonas tried to wear a t-shirt out of a store, but forgot to take the alarm-triggering tag off and inadvertently attracted some unwanted attention from nearby fans.

Howard and Artie picked the Oprah item and Fred went with the Zac Efron story – only Robin correctly singled out the Joe Jonas item as the fake.

An adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis’ “The Informers” is coming to theaters.