NO BINGO FOR DOUG TODAY The Howard Stern Show for April 1, 2009

RICHARD IS 35, DISGUSTING

Howard started off the show detailing Richard’s birthday ritual – he orders a Papa John’s pizza and sits in his apartment watching Halloween 1 and 3. Richard came in to elaborate: “I’ll watch #2 as well if I have time. It’s a tradition. I’ve done it every year since 1996.” Richard said he also likes to have Carotta’s Chicken Brian on his birthday: “It’s my favorite meal.” Howard said the whole hallway stank of goat cheese: “it really smells like vomit.”

Howard asked the crew how old they thought Richard looked, and Robin was the first with a guess: 37. Richard said he turned 35 today: “I’m weathered. Haulin’ hay will do that to ya, when I was fourteen I was out in the sun all summer…” Artie then cut in: “Goodbye, Richard.”

SAL’S FRIENDS & FAMILY ARE COLD

Howard then turned his attention to Sal, saying Sal’s stress came from his marriage. He wondered if Sal’s wife still loved him: “This is not to mark her as a bad person. You guys just don’t get along…it sounds like torture…when was the last time your wife hugged you and kissed you and said ‘I love you’?”

Sal said his wife actually embraced him two days ago when he freaked out in front of their kids after getting some text messages his friend Ian (about the on-air speculation that followed his sick day on Monday). Howard told Sal that Ian wasn’t really his friend if he was text messaging him with bad news. Later, Ian called in to say he actually called Sal’s wife about Sal’s tardiness: “I’m the nice friend! When Sal and his wife go to the therapist, I’m in his house watching his kids.”

IAN IS EMOTIONAL FRIEND #2

After hearing both sides Howard decided that Sal’s friend Ian was passive-aggressive: “He hates you…he’s jealous. Trust me, he is. He probably thinks Christine’s hot.” Ian admitted he was jealous – but not of Sal: “I was Emotional Friend number two. I thought I was number one.”

ERIC THE MIDGET/APRIL FOOL

Eric the Midget called in with a crazy story that he had won $750,000 playing the slots at a local casino over the weekend. He went on to say he was hoping to become a part-owner of the Moonlight Bunny Ranch: “I asked Dennis [Hof] if I could be a small partner.” No one was impressed – Robin just laughed that of course he’d be a small partner. Howard asked why Eric was being lame with an obvious April Fool’s joke, but Eric insisted it was for real: “We’re having a meeting later today.” Howard didn’t care: “Ok. Have fun.”

Later, Eric called back to admit it was an April Fool’s joke – and he was angry about Howard crediting the idea to Johnny Fratto. Howard said he was just trying to help Eric out: “I was trying to blame the bad joke on Johnny.”

ARTIE STARTS SPRING TRAINING

Artie revealed that he recently hired a trainer and would now be doing about 15 minutes of cardio three times a week: “And then this guy’s going to hit me ground balls for about an hour. I’m dying to do it.” Artie added that he planned to keep mixing it up by hitting the batting cages and shagging fly balls – all activities he enjoys doing and doesn’t consider “exercise.”

ROBIN & LISA G FACE OFF

after Lisa G made a passing remark about not liking ‘fast’-style diets that cause rapid weight loss, Robin struck back, saying Lisa’s skin could benefit from the diet’s detoxification. Later, Robin claimed she meant no offense (”Anything can be improved.”), adding that she could – if asked – improve anyone in the studio.

Robin had buried herself, so Howard turned his attention to Lisa and learned she hadn’t dated anyone in a year. Howard asked why she didn’t date any of the celebrity guests that visit Sirius, and Lisa laughed: “What am I supposed to do, drop ‘em my card?” Robin asked if men were intimidated, but Lisa didn’t think so: “No…help me out! Do you know any nice guys?”

DOUG STANHOPE & BINGO ARE NORMAL NOW

Doug Stanhope stopped by to catch up and told the crew his girlfriend Bingo was “normal” now that she’s on the right meds: “Now I just think she’s kind of dopey.” Doug said Bingo was taking a cocktail of lithium, Lexapro, Temazepam and a few others: “She’s never boring…but she’s not running down the street naked talking into a manhole like it’s a telephone.”

Howard asked why Doug had recently cut back on his stand-up dates, so Doug admitted to a little psychosis of his own: “I started to hate the sound of my own voice…I got hate mail and I started to agree with it.” Doug said he tried to get over it with a trip to Alaska, and while it used to be crazy and full of brothels – it’s become a police state in the Palin-era. Robin asked if he had gone bear hunting or anything like that, but Doug just laughed at the idea: “I don’t know. It all looked like the inside of a bar to me.”

A COKE-FUELED THREESOME WITH GINGER LYNN

Doug told the crew that he recently had a threesome with Ginger Lynn – just so he would have something interesting to talk about on the show today. Howard asked if Ginger still looked good, and Doug laughed: “For her age. Anytime you have to handicap the compliment…I learned one thing: anytime you’re having a threesome in a sleazy hotel with a pile of stepped-on blow and Ginger Lynn, you should do it 1983.”

Doug said he and Bingo paired off with Ginger so they could do blow away from the crowds at the hotel bar: “It’s not a team sport. It was to narrow down the players.” After the girls talked for a couple hours, things escalated quickly: “I think it probably started with [Bingo] doing coke off [Ginger's] vagina.” Doug claimed Bingo took good direction: “Ginger Lynn wasn’t very clinical but she was – how do you say it? A coach.” Doug added that the worst part of the evening came when an inebriated Bingo proudly admitted to faking the orgasm she had when she rode the Sybian the last time she was here. Even Howard was disheartened by this news.

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