One for the record books – The Howard Stern ShowMonday,  November 17, 2008ONE FOR THE RECORD BOOKS The Howard Stern Show for November 17, 2008JD THE RADIO HOST FREAKS OUT

Artie started off the show saying JD should’ve been able to get laid after the “Too Fat To Fish” book signing in LA: “There was so much pussy in line…and JD’s hosting his own show in front of them. [Even] Ryan Phillippe was there and could not get this guy laid.” Howard was disappointed, so JD came in to explain: “I think I’m like the Clay Aiken of…I don’t know…[My fans] were all older.”

WOOD YI GOT FIRED

A caller reported that Wood Yi had been fired from his longtime gig at KROCK, and Howard was sadden by the news: “His real name is Steve…Steve’s been there since my dad worked there…you could blame David Lee Roth or blame us. Because we left and they can’t make a dime since we left there. I’m sad about that. There were a lot of good people who worked with us there over the years…We love Steve.”
ARTIE DOESN’T WASTE VIAGRA’S BENEFITS

Artie told a story about taking Viagra when he was in LA: “I took it about 20 minutes before we actually, you know. It’s a girl I’d been with before…I mean, it was just like – you know when you put a rubber on? Sometimes you lose your hard-on. It was like putting it on a stick – pipe…after I came I was still hard. And then she gave me oral for a while…there was a lot going on. There was a shower. We were f’ing around…I was like, ‘You know, we might as well not waste this.’”

Diamanti, the most recent Miss HowardTV stopped by and wowed the crew with her fit body: “I work out pretty much every day during the week.”

Howard told her she was built for speed: “You’ve got a hard body…and you’ve got those pontoons on top…lemme see those.” Diamanti disrobed and told the crew they were made of “cohesive gels” – the newest implant material on the market.

Howard asked Diamanti how she came to be a stripper, so she explained how she was married until about a year ago. While trying to spice up her failing marriage, she read a book called, “The Penis Diet,” and though the book failed to save her from divorce, she ended up meeting and hooking up with the author. Diamanti added that she recently came to love anal sex: “I would choose it over regular sex…the dirtier the sex is, the better it is.”

Howard said he’d learned that Diamanti also owned a cross that she liked to be tied to during sex, and Diamanti explained: “It depends what the night calls for…you either can be tied facing forward or you can be tied backwards…I like pushing limits.”

Howard decided he had to meet Diamanti’s boyfriend, so Damon came in to show a few of his favorite moves: “She likes to be spanked [and have her] hair pulled.” Robin marveled at his technique: “His hair-pull is perfect.”

A CURSE-FILLED SYBIAN RIDE

Diamanti then jumped on the Sybian and took it for a ride: “It feels kinda good. It feels like a Hitachi Magic Wand…it’s good clit stimulation for sure…oh God, it feels really good on my clit.

“Can you stop there for a second? Oh God! Gimme a little bit more…a little bit more…oh f’! More…more…f’! Shit! F’ing f’! F’ing shit! UNH! Cut it!” After she’d hopped off, Diamanti said she was blown away: “You don’t f’ing understand. We need one of these at home. Thank you! Thank you! Gary made me come!”

THE REV. BOB LEVY’S FAUX-FIGHT

Howard noted that John Wayne Bobbitt’s blood pressure was too high for the medics to clear him for his scheduled fight with the Reverend Bob Levy over the weekend. Howard also complained that Beetlejuice’s bout against Dominic the Midget was “like wrestling” in that it was obviously fixed: “They set it up so Beetle would win.” Sal then came in to report how the event’s shadiness didn’t stop there: another boxer was brought in to replace Bobbitt, and Bob Levy somehow knocked him out.

SAM TRIPOLI, THE FINAL “I WANT TO BE HOWARD STERN” FINALIST

Sam Tripoli, the third I Want To Be Howard Stern finalist, stopped by with his co-host, Nader, to discuss their plans for tonight’s test show (7pm ET on Howard 101). Sam said they actually started on XM radio’s old National Lampoon channel, and they’ll be doing a version of that show, “Hollywood Report,” this evening with the help of a secret celebrity guest. Sam also joked about their unsuccessful stand-up careers and chances at winning the contest: “Do you guys take bribes? He’s Persian and I’m Armenian, so we’re [used] to negotiating.”

Steve Langford reported that Artie eviscerated Candace Bushnell on “The Jimmy Kimmel Show,” and Artie confirmed the report: “I kept telling her I didn’t like her show and it was for gay guys…they cut quite a bit out…at one point, she asked me, ‘Is this the Artie show?’” Artie said he also offered to help Candace out: “I told her I would bang the pain in the ass out of Kim Cattrall for her.” Artie then lamented that his best Candace insult was actually cut from the show.

Benjy told a story about the time he got his salad tossed: “I’m hanging out in South Carolina and a pay phone rings, I pick it up and there’s an old lady on the phone…I get her address…and she’s this crazy old drunk lady. At the time she was probably in her 50s. At first she was using the bathroom and wanted to blow me while she was going to the bathroom…she was blowing me and she pushed my legs back [behind my head] and started tossing. I was like, ‘That’s not necessary’…but it feels good.”

Jason Kaplan