Quivertine is no more – The Howard Stern Show
Quivertine is no more – The Howard Stern Show
Monday, July 28, 2008QUIVERTINE IS NO MORE The Howard Stern Show for July 28, 2008NO MERGER TALK TODAYHoward started off the show saying he wasn’t going to comment on the merger until it was set in stone: “I’m not going to believe it until we’re on XM.” Howard said he got an email from Mel at 3:30am on Saturday, but not a drunken one – Mel was hard at work. Artie laughed that Mel gets a high off of working like most guys do from drinking. Artie asked if the stock went up, and Howard reported that it had.G IS FOR GUILTY
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Howard played a clip from Thursday’s Wrap-Up Show of Lisa G admitting that she’s cherry-picked the candy topping off of the Crumb’s Cupcakes delivered to the show every Wednesday. Lisa came in to say she’s taken a whole cupcake back to her desk, but it just ends up sitting there, which made her feel wasteful. Howard said no one wanted someone else’s hands anywhere near their cupcake. Lisa shot back that many staffers could stand to eat less cupcakes anyway, but Howard didn’t care, as that’s not Lisa’s decision to make.
DANNY BONADUCE IS GOING TO KILL BOB LEVY
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Lisa G reported on the upcoming fight between Danny Bonaduce and the Reverend Bob Levy. Howard predicted that “Danny is going to kill Bob. Danny is a trained martial artist…[he's] out of his mind…I like Bob a lot. He’s a funny, funny man…[but] Danny has fought competitively. Danny is
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going to punch Bob once and he’s going to go down.” Artie speculated that the fight was scripted, but Howard didn’t think it would matter: “Danny is going to get so worked up and hurt Bob anyway…Danny’s gonna get in there and say, ‘F it,’ and hit him.”
HOW SOON IS TOO SOON?
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Artie asked Howard if he thought it was too soon for him to make fun of Sarah Silverman’s breakup with Jimmy Kimmel at an upcoming Bob Saget roast, but Howard didn’t think so: “Everyone else is going to.” Howard thought Artie should do one better and try to bang Sarah, but Artie explained that there was no chance: “That’s not going to happen…Let’s put it this way: Sarah’s had plenty of chances to profess her love for me.”
Artie then told a story about going through a set of pictures that would be included in his new book and discovering that one of them was from his and Dana’s second date: “It killed me.” Howard gave an “aww” as he saw the photo: “You’re about 150lbs lighter.” Artie said there was a chapter in his new book about their relationship – as well as a high school prom picture of him with the chick he tried to rob a bank for/with.
AN INNOCENT MAN WHO SERVED 27 YEARS
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Michael Pardue stopped by with his wife, Becky, to tell Howard about spending 27 years in jail for a triple-murder that he didn’t commit: “I had just turned 18 when I went in and came out at 45.” Michael explained that he was turned in by a police informant who claimed he was at the scene of his crime and subjected to a flash capital murder trial that only lasted 2 hours and twenty minutes. Michael added that he escaped from prison three times, going so far as to drink saltwater to elevate his white blood cell count or holding his urine to shock his kidneys – both stunts got him moved to the infirmary, where it was easier to escape.
Michael told the crew he eventually became a conduit for goods from the outside: “Knives up the rectum are very common in prisons.” Howard asked how Michael dealt with the depression, so Michael explained that he worked at a prison job for six years and masturbated: “I could show you techniques that would blow your mind.” Artie wondered if Michael ever engaged in gay sex while in prison, and Michael admitted he did (both top and bottom roles): “It was humiliating for me…I still carry a little guilt over it.”
LIFE IN AN OUT OF PRISONMichael said he hung with the tough crowd behind bars: “I was [thought to be] a killer so I hung with the killers…They were the predators. You either choose to have your asshole the size of a 55-gallon drum or choose to be scared all the time. I chose to be scared.” Michael added that the worst guys were both: one guy, named “CT” was “very deep into homosexuality with a bunch of children – young boys – and if you looked at one of his boys…that night, you’d be killed.” Howard wondered if Michael’s release put a strain his marriage, and Becky cut in, admitting that they have less sex (“We’re older.”) but they were more than ready for his release: “It was just time.”
Now that he’s out, Michael hasn’t had the easiest time: “Sometimes I do the thing you’re not supposed to. I drink too damn much. I’ll pass out and just wallow around in it for a few days.” Robin was amazed by the confession: “He’s an honest man.” Michael said the hardest thing to do after he left prison was shopping: “It took me a couple days…the shopping list was six feet long…[my wife] paid with her card and got cash back and they handed her forty dollars…I walked out and asked her, ‘Did they just give us money for buying all those groceries?’”GREG FITZSIMMON IS NOT WELCOME OR GAY
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Greg Fitzsimmons stopped by to sit in on Robin’s news and noted that he emailed Howard last week to see if he could stay at the Stern beach house over the weekend. Greg said: “My wife said, ‘He can always play the I-already-have-people-over card’ – and he did.” Howard explained that “Honestly, it was not a good weekend for me…I was looking at the paper and saw that Greg’s show was at 11 at night…come when you’re not working.”
Greg then told the crew about a massage he’d gotten recently from a Asian transexual: “Six feet tall, make-up caked on and an Adam’s apple…not all the surgeries done.” Greg said he let the “woman” massage him anyway as his wife had given him the massage as Father’s Day gift, and “she” grazed his balls a couple times – which gave Greg an erection. Howard was surprised, as she was obviously a man, so Greg explained that his balls were like an erection-triggering button.NEWSFLASH: ROBIN & JIM ARE OFFICIALLY OVER
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Robin revealed that she and Jim broke up over the weekend: “I guess we wore out.” Howard didn’t believe it, because Robin was so into Jim, leading Robin to explain that Jim broke up with her: “We hit a patch there a couple months ago and I guess we’re not gonna get through it.” Howard asked if Robin was ever in love with Jim at any point, but Robin still refused to say: “I think very highly of Jim.” Robin continued, saying they had a talk and then some time to think and decided that the relationship was over: “It just happened yesterday.”
Ralph called in to ask if Jim could be booked on the show for tomorrow morning, but Robin resisted: “I don’t think that so much…Maybe in a year.” Shuli, Jim’s close friend, came in to say he was happy to hear of the break-up, as he could now tell stories about Jim’s farts without Robin getting angry. Greg asked how weird it was that Jim was probably listening right now, and Robin confessed that she hated the idea. Howard wondered if she regretted “giving herself” to Jim, and Robin admitted she did: “Yes. Not because of who he is as a person. But because of who he is on the show…He has too much information.”IT’S TIME FOR ROBIN’S NEWSEd McMahon got a job.
Lindsay Lohan isn’t drinking. She’s just eating…box.
Spitzer’s whore broke up another marriage.
Randy Pausch is dead.
Obama says Hillary Clinton is on his VP shortlist.
Shia LeBeouf is a great driver.
The new “Mummy” movie is coming to theaters.
Goose Gossage is now a Hall-of-Famer.
A caller noted that Rebecca Romijn is pregnant with twins.
Artie referenced “About Schmidt.”
Artie did his Bubba the Love Sponge impression: “Here’s the deal…”
Steve Langford reported that K.C. Armstrong had a little trouble in Costa Mesa.
Howard revealed that he had Cream’s “Disraeli Gears” album cover hanging in his bathroom.
Artie told a story about running into Piper Perabo at a grocery store.
Howard remarked that he might be in love with Gina Lynn.
Howard recommended GQ magazine.
Artie said he owned and loved Billy Squier’s greatest hits.
Daniel from The Bleeding Deacons presented his new Ronnie the Limo Driver parody song.
Robin said “Last night, I went all the way to Brooklyn to see my trainer perform with his dance troupe.” Artie joked, “Boy, that’s something I’ll never say.”
Artie noted that Pete Dominick is excited about the merger.
Robin wondered if one of the Pitt-Jolie twins would turn out to be ugly.
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