BEER DRINKING + FECES EATING = BAD

Richard entered the studio and acknowledged he’d been drinking for hours because “the vibe was so much fun,” before adding he’d also been “cheersing” everyone as well. Because of Richard’s drunkenness, Howard played the video he had of a man eating his own feces and vomiting afterward, a clip that almost made a sober Richard throw up earlier in the day. Upon seeing the footage again, Richard began dry heaving and ended up vomiting a little of what he thought was potato salad.

NUMBERS TELL THE STORY

After Gary informed Howard that Richie from Nobu had brought in food for the roast, and after Richard unsuccessfully tried to convince Robin to hug him so he could feel her breasts on his body, Will administered a Breathalyzer test to Richard. Following two failed attempts at getting an accurate reading, Will revealed Richard’s blood-alcohol content was .3 percent. Will next gave Howard and Artie the same test, and their blood-alcohol contents came back as .121 percent and .38 percent, respectively.

ALMOST AN “ATM” EXPERIENCE

Howard mentioned he had clips he wanted to play, but that he didn’t feel like he could get to them because he was feeling the effects of his drinking. When Richard came back into the studio, he began talking about how funny he was as a standup, but Artie broke the news to him that he wasn’t as good as he thought. Artie went on to note that, as a beginner, Richard’s “a decent comedian,” but most of the laughs he gets when he’s on the road stem from the fact that the people in the audience know him from the show and react to him because of that. Sal then came into the studio and called Richard’s standup routine “awful,” before advising Richard to take another Breathalyzer test, which he did.

After Will said Richard’s second blood-alcohol reading was .26 percent, Sal told Richard he had placed the contraption’s disposable mouth-piece “up his ass” before Richard used it and showed him video evidence he had of the incident. While Artie couldn’t believe Sal would stoop to such a low level, Richard responded to the video by slurring, “You know what? The joke’s on you, motherf’er, because I don’t care.” Despite Richard’s reaction, though, Howard assured him Sal had played a joke on him, and the mouth-piece he had used was, in fact, a clean one.

RICHARD’S UNPLANNED SHOWER

Gary pointed out that Richard’s head was bleeding and Richard said he thought the blood started after he banged his head a microphone earlier. Richard went on to comment that he had a trick he wanted to show Howard, explaining that, when he’s drunk, he has the ability to urinate into a toilet while standing five feet away from it. However, Richard added he couldn’t perform the stunt at that moment because he didn’t have to relieve himself, so he instead propositioned Sal to have a make-out session with him. Sal replied that he’d kiss Richard only if he closed his eyes first, and, when Richard did as he was told, Sal spit on him. As Sal tried to escape the studio, though, Richard was able to spit on him as well.

STANDING ROOM ONLY

Howard announced it was time to start the roast, but before he introduced the event’s host, the Rev. Bob Levy, he turned his attention to the roughly 20 fans who were in the studio audience. The first person Howard addressed was Mutt, who,

despite the fact he founded Stern Fan Network and currently hosts Howard 101’s The SuperFan Roundtable, had never met Howard prior to the night. Howard then said hello to Artie’s cousin, Jeff, as well as Eddie the Produce Guy, who earned a round of applause because of the waxing he endured during the

show this morning for a chance to be at the roast. Howard was also introduced to a Bono impersonator and welcomed Jon, the man who attempted to deflower Siobhan the Transsexual last month, back to the studio. As Jon was explaining that he’d like another shot at popping

Siobhan’s cherry, Artie pointed out he noticed something different in Jon’s voice and he wondered if he started using heroin again. However, Jon assured Artie he hadn’t, although he did admit to having smoked “a blunt” before coming into the studio.

THE HEAT IS ON

The Rev. Bob Levy kicked off the roast by mentioning he “wasn’t saying” Artie’s soon-to-be released movie, “Beer League,” was going to be bad, but that DVD copies of it were going to be handed out after the roast. After Bob next suggested Artie should market the film to handicapped people seeing as they’re the only ones who won’t be able to walk out on it, he added “Dirty Work”

wasn’t only the name of one of Artie’s movies, but was also “what Dana calls it when she has to f’ Artie.” Bob then acknowledged that, although he may not be able to “spell, write or read,” he was still a better roofer than Artie’s father, before introducing the next comedian, Nick DiPaolo.

SLAMMING MORE THAN JUST ARTIE

Nick began his set by thanking Howard for the chance to participate in the roast, saying he always “jumps at the chance” anytime he can “work for a billionaire for nothing.” After saying the only thing smaller than Howard’s penis was the size of his satellite audience, Nick reported that Robin’s favorite part of her new boat was the stern since “she doesn’t have to

pretend that one is funny.” Nick went on to note most people recognize Colin Quinn from remote control, adding, “Not the show, but the thing they grab when they see his face on television.”

Following a joke about how Sal was referred to as ET whenever he goes to Scores because he’s always “phoning home,” Nick turned his attention to Artie, whose liver, he said, “would be Benjy if it was a person.” Nick then commented Artie’s idea of surf-n-turf is “eating a Ballpark frank out of a hooker’s p*ssy,” before reporting Artie was once fired from a television show because of his drug use and that the only lines he could remember when he was on the program “were the ones in his dressing room.”

DORT AND DEET AND DO DA DOINT

Crackhead Bob took the podium next and kept his routine simple, only saying, “What’s going on with you? Two years

ago you were talking about me on the air. What’s up with that? F’ you.” However, before Bob sat back down, he made Artie read the message he had printed on his shirt aloud, which said: “You’re such a drunk you make me look good. Love Crackhead Bob. P.S. Go to meetings.”

THE INTRODUCTION OF DAD

When Jim Florentine took the mic, he thanked the Rev. Bob Levy for not asking him to appear at the Daniel Carver roast, explaining it was so bad that he’d rather hear “gunshots coming from his parents’ bedroom” than have to listen to the roast again. Jim then told Artie that when Dana yells “I’m coming” during sex, she’s actually talking to God, before pointing out that Artie’s the perfect Yankees fan because he has “the body of Babe Ruth, the stamina of Lou Gehrig and the liver of Mickey Mantle.” Jim went on to say if Artie’s liver was anymore “black and bloated” Angelina Jolie would try

to adopt, while also claiming Artie’s dad didn’t fall off a roof, but instead jumped off after he watched “Dirty Work.” Once Jim admitted he felt badly for having made fun of Artie’s dead father, he softened the blow by telling him his life was such a mess he should be happy his dad was paralyzed before he died because now he can’t roll over in his grave.

PEOPLE LOVE A CLOWN

Bob announced the next comedian was wearing makeup and constantly using “the n-word,” but that it wasn’t Lisa “Lampignelli” – which Artie was quick to point out isn’t how Lisa’s last name, “Lampanelli,” is pronounced – before introducing Yucko the Clown. After Yucko commented that, given his weight and Italian descent, Artie should be referred to as a “Guinea pig,” he added he was crushed when he and Dana broke up, but that Dana was crushed “every time they f’ed.”

Following Yucko’s final joke about how Robin would’ve liked using Artie’s dad as a masturbatory tool since he was a vegetable, Artie wished him “a good drive back to obscurity.”

DICE TAKES SOME HITS

Following Richard’s musical tribute, “When I Fingered Artie’s Dad,” Lisa Lampanelli started her act by saying, “You know you’re important when Andrew Dice Clay takes the time to send in a tape,” which got a loud response from the audience. Lisa then noted that Andrew wanted to come to New York for the roast, but his manager at Starbucks wouldn’t give him the afternoon off, before adding, “Who would’ve thought nursery rhymes had a shelf life?” Lisa next told Artie the only extra feature added to the “Dirty Work” DVD should’ve

been “an apology” and that, as a performer, he beat the odds because just a decade ago he would’ve never had a career in show business unless he was willing to say, “Time to make the donuts.” Lisa went on to close her set by reminding Artie that she’s proud of his ability to entertain millions of people every morning “while they take a sh*t.”

THERE’S A FIRST FOR EVERYTHING

Colin Quinn was the last roaster and he began his set by saying the festivities had gone so well he was sure the Rev. Bob Levy couldn’t have been responsible for putting them together. After claiming that membership in the KKK went up 30 percent after how badly Daniel Carver’s roast went, Colin noted Lisa Lampanelli has “so many black guys lined up for her it’s like she’s selling Madden 2007 out of her p*ssy.” Colin then mentioned Shuli looked like “an unhealthy Ben Kingsley,” Fred resembled “a retarded Gary Oldman” and Robin was the only woman he knew who made “booty calls to Fresh Direct.” Colin next told Ronnie the Limo Driver that he better resembled “a trophy for the Best Bodyguard award” than an actual bodyguard itself, a joke that brought cheers from the audience.

Colin said he listens to the show every morning and that he wished Howard would start reminding his listeners more often how much he enjoys being able to say anything he wants since he moved to satellite. Colin also admitted he felt like “an f’ing retard” for having laughed at the show for the past 23 years even though Howard has since claimed he wasn’t funny during that time due to the FCC regulations he was facing. Colin went on to say he was convinced Gary hired that homeless man who attacked Howard two months ago to do so just so he’d have something besides “Dancing with the Stars” to talk about the next morning.

When Colin got to Artie, he recommended he become more active, and that “heart palpitations from bad coke don’t count as cardio.” After Colin added he heard Dana hurt her ankle and wondered if it was a result of her “kicking Artie to the curb,” he said he had more Artie jokes, but was saving them for his wake. As Colin took his seat, Howard noted that he received the only standing ovation from any of the show’s four roasts.

OH, HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

Since it was Artie’s turn to offer jokes about his roasters, he told the Rev. Bob Levy he broke the stereotype that “all Jews are smart and good with money.” After saying that Sal has a comedy coach and then reminding him that the Knicks have a coach which hasn’t really helped them this year, he thanked the Stern Fan Network for writing all of Sal’s material. Artie proceeded to mention Colin Quinn was more upset than anyone else about the passing of Charlie Rocket because his death gave Colin the title of “least-successful, living, former ‘Saturday Night Live’ member,” he reported he already can’t wait to talk about what’s sure to be Howard’s newest favorite TV show, “Two Guys Blow Each Other,” “instead of the Super Bowl next year.”

Artie added Andrew Dice Clay keeps talking about how he sold out Madison Square Garden, but that the last time he did it “the Knicks were all white.” Artie also acknowledged that 15 years ago he waited in line for two hours just to get tickets to one of Dice’s shows and now he wants Dice “to lose” his phone number.

After thanking Bob for seating him next to Lisa Lampanelli because she made him look thin, Artie reported that Nick DiPaolo plays a racist cop in “Beer League” and that to prepare for the role, Nick “hung out with himself for a week.” Artie next said he planned on making fun of the movies the roasters had been in, but couldn’t do so because they hadn’t been in any. Artie then thanked everyone who participated in his roast and pointed out they all owed him a debt of gratitude as well for living “such a crazy, f’ed up life.”

HOT BUT STILL COOL

Howard brought up that Artie was sweating heavily and he responded it was both because of the lights and his “calculated” refusal to take off his leather jacket. Howard then acknowledged that he can’t drink during any future broadcasts because of how drunk he felt, but Ralph, who had come into the studio, assured him that all he had to do was pace his alcohol intake better. This led Artie to admit he was “lit,” while Fred added he had consumed three glasses of scotch during the roast himself.

THE TOILET TRICK GOES AWRY

Gary got on his intercom and reported Richard was attempting to do his “pee trick,” but he couldn’t “hold it” and wound up urinating all over the bathroom. A camera then went into the bathroom and captured Richard huddled over the toilet cleaning up after his “trick.” As he was doing so, Sal snuck up behind Richard and attempted to splash his face with toilet water, but Richard was not only able to prevent Sal from completing his action, but also to dunk Sal’s head into the toilet and give him “a swirly.”

Both Richard and Sal, still wet with toilet water, proceeded to come into the studio and Howard demanded that Richard be forced to stop drinking for the rest of the day. Upon hearing this, Richard replied it was “an honor to be cut off from alcohol by Howard Stern,” and insisted he’d be able to get home on his own because his apartment was within five minutes of the studio.

BEND OVER AND SPREAD ‘EM

Because they had planned to do it during the week but never got around to it, Richard asked if he and Sal could have their temperatures taken rectally to determine which of

them had a warmer anus. After some coaxing, Robin agreed to take Richard’s and Sal’s temperatures and they removed their pants accordingly, an act which prompted Will and Ralph to slap Richard’s backside with their hands.

Sal reported he wasn’t bothered with the sensation once the thermometer was inserted into his backside, while Richard commented it felt “wild” and that his “anus

must be real sensitive because it felt like the thermometer was being twisted” when it was inside him – although no one was touching. Robin then took out both thermometers, and announced Sal’s temperature was 98.6 degrees, and Richard’s was 98.5 degrees.

As Sal began taunting Richard because he “won” their competition, Richard sprayed him with silly string, which prompted Sal to put the thermometer that had been inside his rectum into Richard’s mouth. When Richard returned the favor to Sal using his own thermometer, he added, “That’s what you get, motherf’er. It’s a shit for a shit.”

SICK OF IT ALL

While Howard went on to replay the voicemail Eric the Midget left the show, Fred reported he was watching Richard being interviewed in the hallway for Howard TV and it appeared as though he was “foaming at the mouth.” Richard then came back into the studio and said he was drooling on purpose just to make Bob Levy throw up, an attempt which Ronnie the Limo Driver noted was successful. When Artie commented that his roast had “sunk into something insane,” Howard admitted he was going to plan “a wholesome weekend” in order to properly cleanse himself from what he had seen throughout the broadcast.

A HERO’S WELCOME

Sgt. Keith Manning, who had been stationed in Iraq and just returned to the United States, called in to thank Howard for all the support he gave him while he was gone. Sgt. Manning noted he plans on coming on the show so he can talk about everything he saw while in Iraq and that he’ll do so as soon as he gets out of Fort Knox later this month. Sgt. Manning went on to say he was able to come home 40 days earlier than his assignment was scheduled to end because of his diabetes and added the only problem he had with the arrangement was leaving his men behind.

Howard told Sgt. Manning he was grateful he was able to make it out of the war alive and mentioned he was looking forward to having a discussion with an expert about Iraq.

ALREADY MISSING THE NEWEST WACK PACKER

Howard got Mark the Bagger on the phone and started their conversation by asking why Mark hadn’t been on the show for so long. After Mark explained his absence has been because he and the members of the Bloodhound Gang, who discovered Mark at a grocery in their hometown, can’t find a common time for all of them to appear together, Gary came into the studio and suggested he could send someone to travel with Mark if it meant getting him on the

show. Mark told Gary he’d see what he could do and Howard reported part of the reason Mark’s been allowed to come by so infrequently was because his mother had a problem with him discussing the homosexual experience he once had with a man in a truck.

Howard proceeded to take a call from Mark’s nemesis, High Pitch Eric, and the two began to verbally argue with each other. However, Artie pointed out that since it was 10:06 p.m. all he wanted was for the show to end so he and some of the other comedians could go to Scores, so Howard obliged him.