Date posted: October 14, 2008
Sexy pet tricks – The Howard Stern Show
Tuesday, October 14, 2008SEXY PET TRICKS The Howard Stern Show for October 14, 2008GARY KILLS AT THE FRIARS CLUB
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Howard started off the show playing some clips from Gary’s Friars Club Roast, including sets from Pat Cooper, Goomba Johnny, and finally, Gary. Gary killed, telling Jim Florentine that once he went black he could never go back: “It’s true. You can never come back on The Howard Stern Show.” Gary then came in to thank his joke-writers, Artie, Sal and Shuli. SAL LAUGHS HIMSELF TO SLEEP
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Sal came in to tell the crew about his wife’s incredible ability to come up with new excuses to avoid having sex with him: “Last night, she said, ‘I want to relax’…
I was rubbing her calf with my foot and asked if she wanted to play around a little and she said, ‘No. I want to relax.’ I turned around and laughed like a mad scientist. I laughed myself to sleep at how pathetic the situation is.” Howard suggested that Sal use that as the title of his next stand-up act: “I laughed myself to sleep.”WACKPACKER ECONOMISTS
Howard played some clips of Sal asking various Wackpackers what advice they had for those experiencing economic strife.Wendy the Retard advised us to look for scrap and cans,Jeff the Drunk simply identified with the bear market (“We are in deep depression.”) and Bigfoot demanded $500 for his consulting services: “I got ideas poppin’ out my head everyday! I found a gold necklace!”
ERIC THE MIDGET LOSES HIS VIRGINITY
Eric the Midget and Johnny Fratto called in to announce that Eric lost his virginity over the weekend. Eric explained that he went to Dennis Hof’s newest brothel, the Love Shack, in Nevada and met a prostitute named Hailey: “My plan was just to go there, meet with people and connect.”
Howard looked at a picture of Hailey and said he was impressed: “Oh, wow…she’s cute…wow, what a bod.” Robin thought she looked a little like Kate Hudson, and Howard agreed: “But with real big tits.”
Howard asked for more details, so Eric noted his status as an “invited, comped guest” at the ranch. Eric telegraphed in the rest: “I was rub[pausing]bing her [pause]breasts and suck[pause]ing on them [pause] and I said to her she [pause] could [pause] put her hand [pause] down my pants and underwear [pause] but she just took them [pause] off…she actually compli[pause]mented me on my [pause] penis…She said some[pause]thing like, ‘You have a real[pause]ly great looking penis.’” Howard asked if protection was used, and Eric confessed that she did put a rubber on him after she threw him on the bed.
AND FOLLOWS IT UP WITH A MENAGE A MIDGET?!
Eric claimed that Haley gave him oral first (to completion) and then had sex with him. The happy couple then had sex with Eric on top and then “on our side, face-to-face,” which led Howard to speculate that they were more likely “belly button-to-face.”
The next night, Eric topped himself: two chicks at the same time! Howard then got Hailey on the phone to get her take on the weekend. She wasn’t exactly over the moon: “Hey, try something once. It’s fun…It was an experience.” Howard asked Eric if he was in love with Hailey, but the little guy refused to say: “It’s not for [the] public.”
THE PENTHOUSE PET PAGEANT
Howard announced the start of the Penthouse Pet Pageant and the first contestant, Cali Taylor (Miss February 2008), a pot-smoking lesbian who occasionally dates guys, came in and got naked for the crew. Howard was impressed: “Those are really natural boobs aren’t they? Wow. Both nipples are pierced.”
When asked to reveal a secret about herself, Cali told the crew that she lost her virginity at seven to her female friend/babysitter (who was 10): “We did it all the time. Everything.” For the talent portion, she played the violin…badly.
The next contestant,
Shawna Lenee, Miss July 2008 (and also a porn star), immediately planted a kiss on Cali. She then got some laughs by congratulating Howard on his recent nuptials as she was stripping down: “I think marriage is a beautiful thing.”
When asked to name the century’s greatest invention, she cited the “wireless reading devices,” as they save trees. Shawna then told a joke for the talent portion, and it fell flat, however, she did earn points for playing with herself while she bombed.
MEET THE SUBMISSIVES
The third contestant, Tori “Miss December 2008” Black, also a porn star, told the crew she loved anal sex: “Please! Please put it in my butt!” She continued listing her kinks, like choking and lesbianism, as she took off her clothes.
When asked for a great accomplishment, she told the crew about kicking alcohol, drugs and cigarettes: “My only addiction now is 7-11 Slurpees.” For the talent portion, she did a horrible Bill Engvall impression. Howard’s reaction: “You have an incredible ass.”
The final contestant, Daisy Marie, Miss June 2008 and a five-year porn star, laughed that she loved to be tied up and went on to list her BDSM resume, saying she’d been “suspended,” “hogtied,” and “hand-cuffed.” When asked to list one thing she’d change about herself, she said she’d go back to cosmetology school. For the talent portion, Daisy sang a song in Spanish, but Howard and Artie were more impressed with her dancing.
AND THE WINNER IS…Robin chose Cali for her violin-playing talent: “I like classical music.” Fred picked Daisy for her BDSM resume and “touch of pubes” (which turned out to just be a five o’clock shadow) Benjy chose Daisy because she was “so likable.”
Artie chose Cali, as her talent portion (the violin) made him laugh the most. Howard then registered the deciding vote for Daisy, as “the bondage thing” really got to him: “I wish she was in bed with me right now.” Daisy thanked the crew and celebrated by kissing the other girls.
SARAH SILVERMAN IS NOT “SCUMBAGGY”
Sarah Silverman stopped by to promote the new season of “The Sarah Silverman Show” and apologized for not wearing a sexier outfit: “I like to make [my boobs] like a treat.” Howard immediately asked the question on everyone’s mind (what’s going on with Jimmy), but Sarah was evasive:
“I think it’s scumbaggy to promote my TV show by talking about my relationship.” Howard wondered if Sarah was hiding behind the jokes, so Sarah shot back that she was just “not interesting as the they-broke-up-and-got-back-together-and-broke-up-and-got-back-together couple.”
Sarah vehemently denied Mike Walker’s report that she was into fat guys: “Believe me, I didn’t break up with Jimmy because he lost a couple pounds.” Howard continued not pull any punches and asked Sarah about regretting her VMA hosting gig. Sarah confessed that she “just does the gig” and deflected, complaining about Robert Schimmel’s daughter being a “weasel” reporter for writing cruel things about her and Jimmy.
SARAH’S LEAST FAVORITE WEDDING GUESTS
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Sarah then said she felt bad for calling out Jillian Barbarie for singing horribly at Howard’s wedding, but Jillian wasn’t the only guest to raise Sarah’s ire: “[Al Rosenberg] was talking full-voice, facing away from you guys, shooting the shit – during your vows! My blood was boiling.” Sarah also seconded accounts of Chevy Chase’s toast: “It was very impromptu…[later] he said he wanted to pee on me…he was being out there.”
SARAH’S FIRST BOMBHoward asked Sarah to tell the story of older brother, Jeffrey, so Sarah explained that when he was three months old, her parents went on a trip and left him with their grandparents.
While they were away, he accidentally suffocated in his crib. When Sarah turned 5 she was told the story before a car trip with her grandmother. Her grandma told her to buckle up and “I said ‘Yeah, we don’t want to end up like Jeffrey!’ She cried…it was the first time I bombed.”
Tap water is better than bottled.
People can now legally abandon their kids at hospitals in Nebraska.
Maureen McCormick once traded sex for drugs.
Booze causes brain damage.
Some chick says aliens are coming.
Another woman claims Elvis is her dad.
Terence Howard won’t be in “Iron Man 2.”
Maniston returns!
The Dow surged yesterday.
Obama is leading McCain by 10 points.
Justin Timberlake loves Obama.
Sarah Palin can’t tell the difference between protesters and supporters.
Sour Shoes called in as “Mark Knopfler.”
Artie endorsed Obama.
Richard and Sal presented a soon-to-be classic compilation clip of Steve Langford getting over 300 prank calls from Sour Shoes in just a couple weeks.
Sarah Silverman joked that Duane Reade was the richest black guy in New York.
Howard played a few clips from John the Stutterer’s political show on Howard 101 last night, and complained that John wasn’t stuttering as much as he used to.
Howard played a clip of Ringo Starr saying he won’t sign anything anymore.
Howard referenced Madonna’s new movie.
Lisa G raved about Beth Stern’s wedding dress.
Richard’s hilarious new parody song, “Robin’s Gash,” references the Halloween classic “The Monster Mash.”
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