Swims like a rock – The Howard Stern ShowWednesday,  September 24, 2008SWIMS LIKE A ROCK The Howard Stern Show for September 24, 2008HOWARD’S TIVO TROUBLE Howard started off the show complaining about how he missed the first half hour of “The Biggest Loser” last night causing him to get angry. Howard’s Tivo recorded two other shows he’d set to record before “The Biggest Loser” which ended up ruining his evening. Robin explained that Howard had to set priorities for the programs he has scheduled to record so that his favorites are always recorded in case of conflict, but Howard resisted, complaining that he didn’t know how.
“FOR ONCE, JD WAS ARTICULATE” Howard played a clip from yesterday’s Wrap-Up Show of JD struggling to explain that he always felt awkward when he talks on the air. Howard laughed that he wanted to hire a stenographer to copy down whatever JD says in-studio and immediately repeat it back. The crew put JD in an isolation booth and placed bets on which word or phrase JD would say first when he returned to the studio: “I don’t know,” “whatever” or “like.” When he came back, JD held the conversation well – it took almost five minutes before uttering one of the key phrases/words in question. Howard was amazed: “For once, JD was articulate.”

WHO SHOULD HAVE A REAL DOLL DOUBLE?

Howard recalled how he once banged a real doll: “If you put enough jelly in there…and slide back and forth, it can feel good. You feel like a real douchebag doing it.” Fred, who also did the doll, admitted that he also felt douche-y: “It was nothing like the real thing.” Howard laughed that the real doll manufacturer recently contacted the show, offering to mold the doll’s face to look like any celebrity. The crew spent some time discussing their choices: Lisa G (Benjy’s pet idea) and Ronnie the Limo Driver. Richard claimed he was really excited to f’ the Ronnie doll in the mouth: “I would violate it and slap it around and finish on its face. And I think Ronnie should have to watch.” EVERYONE WANTS A GO AT THE LISA G DOLL Lisa G came in to say the idea of the staff having sex with a real doll double of herself was “gross”: “I work with you guys! That’s disgusting.” Richard speculated that Lisa secretly liked the idea: “Lisa would love it if Howard banged the Lisa real doll.” Howard agreed: “I think Lisa is kind of complimented that she’s in the running.” Lisa insisted Howard was wrong: “It’s warped. It’s perverted!” Sal came in to say he couldn’t wait to pee all over the Lisa real doll: “I’ll put up cash…I don’t know why but I’d love to do it.” Gary said he would take the Lisa real doll and bend it over the in-studio couch, and Ronnie announced he couldn’t wait to “pound the shit” out of the Lisa real doll’s ass.
OR MAYBE YOU’D LIKE A PLASTIC JON HEIN? Artie voted for a Jon Hein real doll: “And I want to watch that doll never jerk off…It’d be my new assistant.” Artie added that he’d be happy to f’ the doll, but not on camera. Gary and Howard went over some of the other popular ideas: Robin, Elizabeth Hasslebeck, Kathie Lee Gifford, Rosa Parks, Coretta Scott King, the Bush twins, Mariah Carey and Katie Holmes. Fred listed a few more: Wendy the Retard, Eric the Midget and Steve Langford. Richard was in love with the Steve Langford idea: “The doll has to have a huge penis.”
The crew then voted for their favorites. Sal still wanted a Lisa G double and Richard a Ronnie. Lisa G thought she’d like a faux-Jon Hein. Artie also voted for Jon Hein: “Because he’s so not sexual.” Jon came in to say he was flattered by Artie’s vote: “It wouldn’t bug me.” Howard registered the deciding vote for Lisa. Lisa said she wouldn’t be willing to submit to the full-body mold: “The texture and the firmness [of my body], even though it is firm, isn’t like it used to be.”
HIGH PITCH ERIK AND HIS NEIGHBOR High Pitch Erik stopped by with Paulette, the neighbor who blew him for $40, to discuss the circumstances of their rendezvous. Paulette explained that she stayed home and slept a lot and was not into crack: “I drink beer.” Erik said Paulette actually blew him twice, and her technique was great: “She fondled it a little.” Howard asked if either was worried that the other had a disease, leading Paulette to betray a significant delusion: “Erik is clean.”

Howard wondered if Paulette would ever consent to intercourse with Erik, and she resisted, not even for triple her usual fee. Paulette also told the crew that she doesn’t really wash after Erik comes on her face – she just rinses with water. Howard speculated that the pair might become a legit couple, but they denied it. To prove their claim, Erik offered Paulette’s services to Artie. Artie passed: “I’m flattered…what do I get for $10?”

JD’S A TALKER The crew was talking about strip clubs, so Richard came in to note that JD was very vocal when he got a lap dance sitting next to him the last time they were at Ricks, telling the stripper things like “Oh yeah” and “That looks good.” JD came in to say he was just pointing out what looked good. Gary laughed that JD’s creepiness goes a little further – he once asked a girl to get it on with a dog during an online sex chat. JD tried to “I don’t know” his way out of the conversation: “You gotta tell ‘em to do something…You go to f’ed up places sometimes.”
CHRIS ROCK IS NO SWIMMER Chris Rock stopped by to promote his new HBO special and said he was glad to visit on a day that Artie wasn’t “on leave.” When Chris noted he had seen Robin’s boat in Jet Magazine, Howard asked if he thought it was ridiculous that Robin has a yacht when she can’t swim, but Chris replied that he couldn’t swim either: “I’m from Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn. You can’t just go around the corner [and find a pool].” Howard then wondered if Chris’ wife hated him (Howard), and Chris admitted it was true: “Everybody knows it…I try to tell her, ‘Honey, he’s on for hours every day. If I were on for hours, I’d offend everybody.’”

CHRIS DOESN’T NEED THAT Howard wondered how Chris put together his latest HBO special, so Chris explained that he puts his set together and then flies in a handful of writers to watch him perform it in Vegas and give him notes: “You invest in yourself.” Sal came in to finally ask Chris if he was offended when Sal greeted him at a Beastie Boys concert back in the ‘90’s with a friendly, “What’s up, my n—a?” Chris didn’t remember meeting Sal but said, “People curse around me more than they do around other people…I don’t need that.”

Genetically modified animals can now be sold for human consumption.
Some guy waited years to confront a gym class bully at a high school reunion.
Some asshole kicked a cat to death. David Blaine isn’t staying upside down.
A Pennsylvania mother has admitted to helping her son build a weapons arsenal.
6 former NFL players are leaving their brains to science. Sharon Stone lost custody of her kid. Lindsay Lohan came out of the closet.
The penis-pump judge was disbarred.
A high school football team hazed their younger teammates by sodomizing them with a broomstick.

Howard had some problems with his Tivo.
Lisa G referenced this documentary.
Steve Langford reported that Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling is no longer speaking with the Howard100News.
Chris Rock said he had a problem with Chris Farley’s Chippendale sketch, as it’s funny, but the joke is on Farley.
Chris claimed that Russell Brand was a funny guy.
Howard read a story about Sarah Silverman’s alleged fat guy obsession.
Lisa G cited “Canon in D” as one of her favorite songs.
Howard reported that Clay Aiken has finally come out of the closet.
Howard noted that Google has released its own cellphone. Wednesday’s Show