TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM The Howard Stern Show for April 6, 2009

ARTIE’S OFF THE SUBUTEX

First thing this morning, Artie announced that he had quit Subutex over the weekend: “I haven’t had a Subutex in five days…I feel really good.” Artie added that it was easier to kick than he thought: “But the one thing I haven’t given up is gambling.” Artie then went over his Final Four bets: he bet on UConn to beat Michigan State and lost, but he had also bet on the over, which helped reduce his loss by about half.

Artie said a trustworthy friend told him that North Carolina was a lock to beat Villanova, so he laid twice as much on NC and won easy: “Almost too easy…I’m up a lot.” Artie thought he’d let it all ride on tonight’s championship game. He could win and end up with some decent winnings – or lose it all, but only have to pay a few hundred for the vig.

HOW DOES HIGH PITCH DO IT?

Howard got High Pitch Erik on the line and told him he was a genius for completely bypassing the insanely-tight security at David Lynch’s concert Saturday night: “He walks in like he’s supposed to be there, but then you look at him and realize he’s not supposed to be anywhere.” Howard then played a clip of a voicemail High Pitch left in which he claimed he wouldn’t appear on the show anymore: “I’m trying to turn my life around and I just don’t want to do the show anymore.”

ROSS ZAPIN DENIES LISA G

Lisa G came in with the headlines, but before she could get started, Howard apologized for not hooking her up with his friend Michael. Lisa said she knew that Ross Zapin, Michael’s good friend, put the “kibosh” on it: “This is so high school…what is this? ‘The Bachelor’?” Howard speculated that Ross didn’t think Lisa was “fun” enough to hang with all the time, but Lisa thought she could hang with the best of them: “I’ll party.”

SLIM SABEAN WILL HAVE THE SPRIG OF LEMON

Howard recounted a meal he shared with Tim Sabean over the weekend, laughing that Tim ordered vegetables and a “sprig” of lemon. Tim came in to “swear to God” that he didn’t envy the other diners’ meals, but Artie thought Howard’s turkey burger must have looked good from across the table. Tim replied: “It’s not that big a deal. It’s just not.” Robin agreed: “I don’t want what you want. I like what I eat.”

DOMINIC BARBARA IS CONFUSED

Howard played a clip of Dominic Barbara calling into the “SuperFan RoundTable” and, after, confusing the show with the “Intern Show,” telling the fans about the goals “we” had when starting Howard100 and Howard101. Howard laughed at Dominic’s attempt to align himself with the show and Robin summed it up best: “What is Dominic thinking?”

MARVEL REACHES OUT

Howard noted that they received a ton of feedback from the producers of “Wolverine” after a caller offered to send him a pristine copy of the film prior to its release. Gary came in to say they weren’t angry: “They love you.” Gary explained they just wanted Howard to wait until the actual release to see the film: “They just said please do not watch [the unfinished/leaked workprint]…Hugh Jackman’s gonna do the show now.”

RICHARD TAKES A LOAD ON HIS BACK

Howard learned that Richard had offered to blow a guy if the show would book “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane, so Richard came in to say he was exaggerating: “Can’t I just drink my own pee.” Howard thought it would be better if Richard agreed to let a man blow a load on his back. Richard asked Robin for advice: “What’s it feel like Robin? What if he shoots ropes and it gets all in my hair and stuff?”

After a little debate, Richard agreed to let porn star Nick Manning drop a load on his back in a nearby hotel room: “Seth MacFarlane, I’m doing this for you, buddy.” Later, Richard decided that he’d feel safer if his partner, , were the load-dropper.

Howard asked if it would be too weird for Richard to take a moneyshot from his comedy partner, but Richard didn’t think so: “I’ll be face down.” Sal, on the other hand, was not wild about the idea.

ASS NAPKIN ED LOVES REDIAL

Howard played a montage of the 90 voicemails Ass Napkin Ed left for Gary over the weekend, and everyone got a kick out of some of the more inane/repeated asides: “I forgot to tell ya, I rented a Mustang for the week….Guess what, I’m going to get some chicken wings…I think I’m gonna take the Mustang out for a ride.”

UNDERDOG LADY’S RIDER

Gary came in read off the list of food Underdog Lady has requested for her show tonight on Howard101 at 7pm ET: Tasty Cakes, chocolate shakes, Hawaiian Punch, orange juice and a steak sandwich (which must be wrapped in individual halves) for the ride home after her show. Gary laughed that she also asked for an Easter basket and promised to sing a song on tonight’s show.

Jim McClure came in to say he was meeting Suzane at the bus stop this afternoon – and she’d also sent along a list of candy she’d like to see in her Easter basket, including 3 Musketeers, 100 Grand and Twix: “But not the new 3 Musketeers with mint because her mother made her brush with mint toothpaste when she was younger.”

IT’S TIME FOR ROBIN’S NEWS

Mickey Rourke kicked Chris Jerricho’s ass at Wrestlemania.

Chimps aren’t pets.

Lilies could be poisonous to your cat.

Lenny Dykstra is broke.

Another teacher accidentally played porn in class.

Farrah Fawcett has been hospitalized.

Madonna’s adoption attempt has been rebuffed.

Levi Johnston lacks discretion.

Cardinal Egan has also been hospitalized.

“Fast & Furious” is number one at the box office.

A Fairfax County teenager was suspended for taking a birth control pill at school.

Tom Brady & Giselle Bundchen got married again.

Chris Brown is staying quiet.

Carrie Underwood is the ACM Entertainer of the Year.