THE BEST OF BREE The Howard Stern Show for April 21, 2009

CATHETERS AREN’T FOR COMFORT

First thing this morning, Howard complained that some callers to yesterday’s Wrap Up Show had ignored his ban on discussing Gary’s kidney stone and told him about how painful getting a catheter can be. Artie added his own story, telling Gary about getting a catheter inserted into his penis after his suicide attempt/overdose: “The whole day is a daze to me except for that moment…somebody is sticking something in my dick!” Howard asked if it hurt less coming out, but Artie reported the opposite was true: “I hated when they took it out the most because I was very coherent for that. And then you’re pissing blood for a while.” Gary promised to record the audio of the procedure if the initial ultrasound “blasting” didn’t break up his kidney stone.

AN EVASIVE ROBIN, RE: A RECENT SPEEDING TICKET

“I guess somebody pulled me over on my way to the shore…Probably. I don’t know.”

RICHARD’S FATAL PUSS WOUND

Howard told Richard that he got an email from a listener who feared he could have a potentially-fatal MRSA staph infection: “Look at that thing, see how it’s getting a ring around it?” Gary noted that puss came out of Richard’s wound for four days before he began treating it. Later, Dr. Jules came by to examine Richard and determined that he really could have MRSA: “It’s not a big thing, but he’s gotta keep it covered…he needs to be on antibiotic pills.”

HANDIES FOR THE BLIND

Porn star Bree Olsen stopped by and Howard immediately asked what happened between her and Bubba the Love Sponge the other day. Bree explained that she’d agreed to give a blind guy a handjob on Bubba’s show, but when it turned out the guy wasn’t blind, she felt deceived and unsure of what else was going to happen without her knowledge. She blew up and left.

Bree then told the crew she spent three years in a juvenile detention center when she was a teenager – and discovered, while there, that she was sexually attracted to women: “After I got out I had my girlfriend for four years. So I stuck with it.” Bree also reported that she recently signed to be a “contract girl” for porn production company Digital Playground, meaning she only has to film about 10 scenes a year.

BREE ON DIRTY TALK OFF THE SET

“Sometimes I have to hold back because I don’t want them (her boyfriends) to think I’m faking it. It sucks because I turn myself on when I talk like that.”

RANDOM CAB DRIVER FREEBIE

Bree said she recently seduced a cab driver in Florida: “I think he was Latin or something…I was like ‘You wanna see my titties?’ and he was like, ‘Sure.’” Bree laughed that the cabbie was reaching behind his seat to feel her up while he was driving and eventually had to pull over and bang her in the backseat: “It was so hot. I still masturbate thinking about it.”

THE “BURIED” JAIL CELL SCENE

Bree told the crew that sleeping with cab drivers was nothing when compared to her day job: “I’m a super-submissive girl. I love to be dominated. I like slaps in the face, choking, being roped-up, whatever…” In a recent scene, she let her male co-star do whatever he liked: “He just tore the hell out of me in this scene. It was like a jail cell scene.”

Bree said the guy slammed her head into a toilet and hit her repeatedly: “Anal. Everything. He was face-f’ing the shit out of me…I started crying…not that I didn’t like it, the tears just started rolling.” After Bree’s Webmaster saw the raw footage, he balked at hosting it on her site: “He was like, ‘Bury this. Bury it six feet under and never look back.’”

ARTIE DISCIPLINES BREE

Artie offered to spank Bree in exchange for few plugs, and she jumped at the chance: “I’m so ready. I’m excited.” Artie came around the console and went to town, but Bree thought he wasn’t hitting hard enough: “I like that! You gotta get the other cheek too!” Howard thought Artie might be hitting her too hard, but Bree disagreed: “Go for it! I could have taken that all day.” Artie was confused: “Really? Cause you’re a little red there.”

WIPE THAT OFF, GARY

Bree then went for a Sybian ride and quickly climaxed. Afterward, she casually told Gary to “wipe my come off there.”

LISA RINNA IS NAKED AND FAMOUS

Lisa Rinna called in to promote her nude spread in next month’s Playboy, and Howard told her she looked smoking hot: “But your lips are still big. I think you stopped listening to me on that.” Lisa claimed the cortisone in her lips was starting to dissipate and she hadn’t had any new injections. Howard then asked how Lisa held her marriage together, so Lisa thanked her blowjob tutor for keeping her husband Harry happy: “It changed his life and rocked his world.”

Lisa told the crew she was happy she got fired from her red carpet hosting duties: “To be honest with you, I didn’t like that job…I hated it.” After a while, Howard got distracted and began asking Lisa what she was wearing: “Take off your bottoms. Take ‘em off and touch yourself.” Lisa balked but made up for it with a story about taking a pole-dancing class with Cindy Crawford: “We gave each other lapdances.”