Date posted: July 25, 2008

The best of the week: july 21 – 24 – The Howard Stern ShowFriday,  July 25, 2008THE BEST OF THE WEEK: JULY 21 – 24 The Howard Stern Show for July 25, 2008PART 1: TUESDAYJASON STOPS THE NONSENSE

Will reported that Jason took out a $15,000 loan to pay for his wedding at a very high interest rate. Howard thought the idea was idiotic, so Jason came in to say the money was just meant to supplement the $15,000 that he got from his bride’s father and another $15,000 from his mother. Jason said he wanted to take the money and buy a house with it, but his mom and bride “laughed [me] out of the room.” Howard told Jason to be a man and lay down the law.


Howard explained how quickly interest piles up, adding, “The nonsense has got to stop. You getting married isn’t a big deal.” Jason confessed that his fiancé doesn’t make very much money, so Howard began making cutback recommendations: “Fred, what’s the amount of flowers needed at the wedding?” Fred saw the prompt coming and played the “Zero point zero” clip from “Animal House.” Jason finally gave in, promising to put his foot down: “Enough’s enough.”

JASON IS A LITTLE GIRL

Howard thought Jason subconsciously wanted a big wedding, but Jason took issue: “You’re wrong about this. You think Sal wants to buy his wife a $5,000 bag?” Howard shot back that the problem was the guys’ need to solidify their status as the relationship’s breadwinner. Artie thought the fact that Jason threw a birthday party for his cat proved his girly need for gay parties, and Howard agreed: “[Jason's] acting feminine. Being feminine is wanting the big wedding…He is a little girl.”PART 2: WEDNESDAYDENISE THE KIELBASA QUEEN IS FREE AT LAST

Denise the Kielbasa Queen returned to the studio for the first time in seven years to show the crew that she still

had it. She was swallowing a 12” kielbasa inside of a minute: “I used to be able to talk when I had a hotdog in my throat.” Howard wondered how Denise learned the trick, so she

explained that it was an accident: “I was working at a go-go bar…and I was [teasing guys by performing with a hotdog] at a bachelor party one time and the whole thing went down.”

Denise reported that she was in jail for five of the years since her last appearance on the show, as she was arrested for running a brothel out of her home: “My daughter told on me.” Denise explained that she would take hookers off the

street, clean them up and sell them for ten times what they charged as streetwalkers: “I put a roof over their head. I fed them…the [local] police department were some of my best customers.”
FORCED TO TRADE KIELBASA FOR TACOS

Howard asked if Denise ever hooked herself, and Denise confessed that she had: she’d charge

$1,000 thanks to her kielbasa-swallowing fame – and she’s never met a man she couldn’t swallow. But when she was in prison, Denise

switched teams: “[A fellow prisoner] pushed me up against a wall and shoved her tongue down my throat.” Denise then fell in love with the “bull-dyker” who assaulted her: “And I’m a squirter. I messed up some bed sheets in there.”

Denise said she’s had a couple scat-fetishist clients: “I made him get down on his knees and go in the toilet and get it. Every time he came up there was one less

piece…Some guys like a glass table. And they lay underneath the table.” Denise claimed they weren’t her craziest clients: “One guy comes over dressed as an Everlast heavyweight punching bag.”
RICHARD AND SAL TRY THE KIELBASA TRICK

Richard and Sal came in to try their hand at swallowing a kielbasa. Richard went first and nearly vomited: “I got about six inches!” Sal wasn’t so successful: “That’s like three inches.” Artie asked Denise how much it would cost if she were to come over and beat him up as he was shitting, and Denise quoted him: “About $500.” Artie jokingly confessed that the act was a real fantasy of his, so he might consider it. The rest of the crew was appropriately shocked.

PART 3: WEDNESDAYIN SEARCH OF “FUNNY ARTIE”

Howard started Wednesday’s show taking a call from a guy named Pittsburgh Pete who wanted to hear less Artie, as he was irritated by his self-congratulating charity work stories. Artie said Pete was a dummy and an unemployed loser, and Howard joined in, asking Pete what he did for a living. Pete confirmed that he was unemployed and just sat around all day listening to the channels.

Another caller seconded Pete’s argument, saying Artie had been talking a lot more recently – and, even worse, was being too serious. Artie replied that he’d try to go find “funny Artie”: “He’s probably at the vending machine.” Artie also noted that a recent

online poll proved that he was the fans’ favorite staffer, so his contributions to the show were probably appreciated by more people than not. Mariann from Brooklyn then called in to say she shared the complaint as well, but Artie fended her off with his new Mariann impression.PART 4: MONDAYDANIEL CARVER’S VOTING DILLEMMA

Howard got Daniel Carver on the line to find out who he was voting for, but Daniel first did his trademark “Wake up, white people” bit: “It ain’t gonna be funny when the n—-rs take over.” Howard asked Daniel if he still went to Klan meetings, and Daniel admitted that he did – but he’s stepped down from his Grand Dragon position. Daniel then announced that he was in McCain’s camp, as the Jews were behind Obama’s bid for the presidency.

Daniel began quoting Bible passages to support his case that Obama was some kind of apocalypse-triggering Anti-Christ: “If God’s gonna put Obama in there to finish us off, there’s nothing we can do about it.” Howard asked if Daniel would vote for McCain if he chose Lieberman for his running mate, but Daniel resisted: “I ain’t gonna vote for no n—-r and I ain’t gonna vote for no Jew.”

DANIEL’S DONE HIS RESEARCH


Daniel said he didn’t even care about Obama’s qualifications: “He could be a great president, but he should be a president in Africa…God don’t love black people.” Howard couldn’t sign on with Daniel’s black-people-are-animals theory, citing Obama’s Harvard education, but Daniel was insistent: “A n—-r can mate with a monkey and have a baby. I read about it in the National Enquirer…[just] put a little pair of pants on ‘em and let ‘em ride a bicycle around.”

Howard thought Obama’s candidacy meant people were finally starting to look past race, and Daniel agreed: “Money, sex and drugs – that’s all they care about.” Daniel added that it would be better to have a black president than a Jewish one: “I wouldn’t vote for either one of ‘em. But yeah, I’d prefer to be led by a monkey than a devil…A monkey is higher than a Jew. The Jew is a devil.”PART 5: TUESDAYIT’S A SLUR-OFF

Artie told a story about two cops he used to know who would play a game to see who could name the most racial epithets for black people, laughing that they could go back-and-forth up to 40 names each. Howard was inspired and decided to give the game a shot. Sal came in for a racist slur-off with Howard, but Howard ran out after

5 terms. Sal had several more slurs ready to go, so Howard handed things over to Artie, who scored a knockout in about 11 rounds. After the more obscure terms (like “smoke,” “tarbaby” and “spoon”), each would praise the other: “Wow! That’s a really good one.”

Artie thought they could have a better contest with terms for gay people, so he and Howard faced off (with several assists from Fred). Later, Howard also took on Jon Hein in an anti-Semitic slur-off, but the progress was slow. Everyone agreed that Sal should be given a shot, so Howard demanded he come in: “How are you on Jews?” Sal thought he was alright: “Christkillers is a great one.”PART 6: THURSDAYSAL IS “RICKY LUNCH MAN”

Ronnie the Limo Driver reported that Sal was becoming a “lunch man” – a guy who spends his lunch hour at Rick’s Cabaret. Sal came in to explain that he just recently did a magzine interview there – and then his friends came to town and he wanted to show them the “Stern clubhouse.” And then some more friends from school. As the evidence began to stack up, Sal insisted he was only extending his tours of the studio to the next logical stop…Rick’s.

While Sal was in the studio, he again made his case for a wedding invite, but Howard repeated Beth’s wishes: hell no. Sal tried claiming that he’d never wronged Beth after they’d made up (and he’d promised not to insult her anymore) after the infamous roast-joke-that-shall-not-be-repeated. Howard was dismissive: “We’ve already proved you lied.”
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