The Best of the Week March 23 – 27 The Howard Stern Show for March 27, 2009

ROB SCHNEIDER IN STUDIO

Rob Schneider came by to promote “Big Stan” (which is about a guy who becomes a kung fu master prior to going to prison in order to keep from being ass raped) and said he was disappointed that the film never saw a theater release: “The company that had [the rights] went bankrupt.” Howard repeatedly praised the film, and Rob thanked him: “I got tired of doing the studio system…I couldn’t do exactly what I want to do. So I said, ‘Let’s do exactly what I want to do.’” Robin asked if Rob would ever sell out and do a children’s movie, and he said he would: “Yeah, if I have to…there’s no agency keeping track of people’s integrity.”

BUT HE’S NO DAVID SPADE

Rob told the crew that he recently got divorced: “I got to keep the dog and she got all the money.” Howard asked if the marriage broke up over infidelity, so Rob joked: “No. You’re confusing me with David Spade.” Rob went on to praise David’s ability to pull top-tier ass: “He’s put in his time…he’s got all the moves figured out.” Howard agreed with him.

STEVEN SEAGAL IS A DEITY

Howard asked Rob to share one of his always-great Steven Seagal stories, and Rob indulged him, even doing a dead-on impression of Steven’s hushed voice: “He’s doing a movie with Keenan Ivory Wayans…[and] had just met with the Dalai Lama…the Dalai Lama had made him a deity. A god.” Seagal was bragging about the honor, saying, “‘In his wisdom, he decided to make me a deity…I feel a difference, an enlightenment.’” Rob laughed that a PA then interrupted Seagal, telling him he had to pick up his kids at his ex-wife’s house, and Seagal snapped: “You tell that f’ing c–t to bring those kids over here or I’ll break her f’ing neck!”

JEREMY IRONS IS A LITTLE STIFF

Howard asked Rob about his SNL days, so Rob cited Jeremy Irons as the worst “SNL” host ever: “He said a really funny thing to me. He said, ‘This isn’t funny, this is funny.’ And he just moved his fingers two inches over.” Rob also told the crew about hanging with Sylvester Stallone “He called me and said, ‘I want you to come to New England for six months and bang college chicks and make this movie. I’ll send you the script.’ And I’m like, ‘Just send me the ticket!’”

ELEPHANT BOY REALLY WANTS TO MEET KURT ANGLE

Fred the Elephant Boy came in so they could figure out what he’d have to do to meet professional wrestler Kurt Angle who was scheduled to be on later, and Howard laughed that he’d gained a lot of weight – and still wears that fannypack. Howard asked Elephant Boy if his devotion to wrestling stars was a symptom of his homosexuality, but Elephant Boy claimed he was now a straight man: “To me, it was a phase…that was years ago.” Elephant Boy joked that even if he did go gay again, his prospects weren’t pretty: “The most I could get is old, old guys.”

Howard asked if Fred had ever had anal sex during his gay phase, but Elephant Boy denied it – only to confess later: “Yeah. I did.” While Elephant Boy was being honest, Howard presented him with an all-pro wrestler F-Marry-Kill scenario. Elephant Boy took his time (”I have to think about it.”) and eventually chose to marry Mick Foley, F Kurt Angle and kill Hulk Hogan. Artie thought just thinking about it was too gay: “The right answer in Jersey is kill all three of them.”

HE REEKS IN A BIKINI

Elephant Boy said he was angry with HowardTV’s Doug Goodstein for saying he “reeked” at the taping of Wack Pack Bowling, so Doug came in to take another whiff: “It smells like B.O. and deodorant that’s covering B.O.”

Howard then outlined what Elephant Boy would have to do to meet Kurt Angle: put on a bikini (and, at Artie’s request, tape a dildo to his chest) and sit on the Sybian while Kurt is in studio. Then, as Elephant Boy asks Kurt questions, he’d also have to endure the Sybian’s highest vibration setting.

KURT ANGLE: OLYMPIAN AND POET

After the break, Elephant Boy came in wearing a polka-dot bikini and a dildo taped to his chest and sat on the Sybian as Will took up the controls. TNA wrestler Kurt Angle followed Elephant Boy in – and Elephant Boy asked how he was doing, as the Sybian rev’ed underneath him.

Kurt took one look at the scene before him and laughed: “I was a lot better before I came in here.”

Elephant Boy then tried to ask Kurt several questions from his seat on the Sybian, but between his speech impediment and the machine’s loud vibrations, it was hard to tell what he was asking.

Kurt told Howard that he was 4-years sober from what used to be a 100-pill-a-day addiction to pain killers: “Anything extra strength. It couldn’t just be regular…it actually made me feel straight. It made me feel normal.”

Kurt said his problem stemmed from the fact that he broke his neck on 4 separate occasions and it got so bad, he’d begin each day with 20 pills. Kurt said he eventually went to his boss, Vince McMahon, asking for time off to go to rehab, but Vince said no, forcing Kurt to spend the next 5 months kicking the habit himself. Kurt added that this eventually led to his leaving the WWE and that he had only just patched up his relationship with Vince. Howard asked if wrestling was also to blame for his divorce, and Kurt confirmed that he thought it probably was.

A LOVER AND A FIGHTER

Kurt confessed that he had a “major thing” for Robin: “I actually wrote her a poem…ever since ["Private Parts"] I’ve suppressed my feelings about Robin…I can’t even look at her right now.” Howard asked to hear the poem, so Kurt took his headphones off, got down on his knees to read his poem (titled “To My Love Robin”):

“To my love Robin,
I am a bachelor
and true love is hard to find
I maybe a wrestler
but you may love me for my mind.

You are living the single life again
and are ready for the next phas
and just like Dr. Roni
I will make you a new woman in 21 days.

I won a gold medal in the Olympics
they say I never have been beat
I am also a gold medalist in the sack
much better than vegetables and meat.

TNA pays me millions
to wrestle and cross the line
I will never ever bitch
even about an $800 bottle of wine.

We can go to the theater
we can roll around in the grass
we can get coffee at Starbucks
but please don’t try to squirt it up my ass.

Robin please give me a chance
for a love like you’ve never seen
and I’m much more well hung
than that damn Jim Florentine.

I will look past your shortcomings
and unlike Howard I don’t snore
I don’t even care that you scored an f’ing 34.

Any man who disrespects you
I will certainly strangle
so how does this sound my sweetheart
oh Robin Ophelia Angle.

I can make love to you all night
and I’ll make you squeal
I’ll have you screaming
its real, Damn Real.”

KURT WILL KILL YOU IN 3 SECONDS

Howard wondered if Kurt could kill everyone in the room, so Kurt estimated: “In like three seconds…I’d double-leg ya and ground-and-pound ya.” Howard asked if Kurt had ever considered getting into mixed martial arts, and Kurt replied: “I’m still considering it…but I make a lot where I am.” Kurt took a calls from a very angry Iron Sheik (today’s insult: “gold digger!” and, of course: “Jew!”) and Eric the Midget, who asked if Kurt would coming to his area anytime soon. Kurt confirmed it, even extending an invitation for the little guy to come backstage and hang out [Kurt was last on the show when Eric was also on and he had made Eric an honorary member of his Main Event Mafia at the time]. The crew warned Kurt to be careful what he was getting himself into.

RICHARD PEES HIMSELF…AGAIN

Richard came in to explain how he wet his pants at work the other day and didn’t go home to change: “ had made a ‘Tradio’ call and it was so funny I pissed my pants…I didn’t do it on purpose. I swear.” Artie said the show wasn’t concerned with Richard’s intent – the issue was that he hadn’t gone to clean himself. Richard said he’d cleaned up with a napkin, but Howard didn’t think that was enough: “Your pants are still full of piss.”

RICHARD ROPER CALLS THE SHOW

Richard noted that he was writing a new book about the dangers of gambling in which he gambles $1,000 every day for a month – each day he gambles on something new or in a different form: “I’m in day seven…when one of my degenerate gambling friends heard, he bet me $1,000 that I’d lose $15,000 during the course of writing the book.”

ARTIE TAKES MEMPHIS

[UPDATE: Artie lost - Missouri won 102-91]

LOU BELLERA THE SUPER SYBIAN DIRECTOR

Lou Bellera, Amy Fisher’s husband and sex tape co-star, stopped by to add some of his signature dirty/creepy talk as some girls ride the Sybian, in a competition for the hottest Sybian ride. Howard asked Lou what Amy was up to now, so Lou told the crew she now made ends meet by “feature dancing” at strip clubs: “She has her own Website now.” Lou then thanked Howard for turning his “Let me see your clit” quote into a famous catchphrase – and prepared to meet the girls.

DON’T BE NERVOUS, DADDY’S HERE

All the girls were a little nervous at first, so Lou had them all call him “Daddy,” which oddly enough seemed to make them feel a little better.

The first girl was the most nervous but did seem to enjoy her time on the Sybian. The second contestant explained that she was a recovering heroin addict and had about 15 different tattoos.

Her Sybian ride featured much more interaction between her and Lou than the first one did, including a lot of instructions to “spread this,” “rub that” and “suck on this.”

The final contestant got a lot of compliments on her looks, while Lou turned up the “charm” with his own version of the “babysitter,” asking to see her credentials. Her Sybian ride was so intense, she nearly fell on the ground afterwards, fortunately her “daddy” was there to catch her.

With all the Sybian rides completed, the hands down winner with the hottest, Lou Bellera-directed Sybian ride was contestant #2.