Date posted: November 14, 2008

The best of the week november 10 – 14 – The Howard Stern ShowFriday,  November 14, 2008The Best of the Week November 10 – 14 The Howard Stern Show for November 14, 2008GOUMBA JOHNNY IN STUDIO BECOMING GOUMBA JOHNNY

Goumba Johnny stopped by to promote his new book, “So You Wanna Be A Mobster,” and Howard first asked him about his NFL career. Johnny said he signed with the Jets out of college, “but I hurt my neck and I wasn’t good enough.” Johnny said he took a job as a bodyguard, which led to a job at Scores: “[Strip clubs] are pretty lonely places…I was dating a [stripper] and then she goes to work and has both breasts in some guy’s face and is winking at me. I said to myself, ‘This is not the way you were raised.’”

Johnny said he didn’t become “Goumba Johnny” until he got his first radio job and needed a handle that was easier for the audience to say than his given/Italian name. He started as a joke writer/producer/sidekick on an evening drive show while simultaneously working at Scores: “It was very very odd.” Howard asked if the hectic schedule led Johnny into the stimulant drug scene, but Johnny said no: “Not at the time. I was working so much, I didn’t have time.”

THIS LITTLE GOUMBA DID TIME

Johnny told the crew that while he was working at Scores, he became ensnared in an FBI investigation that also included John Gotti – and had to spend five months in prison for tax evasion. Johnny said, “My father saw me on CNN. He said, ‘You’re not supposed be on CNN unless you’re a flood victim’…I told him I didn’t know John Gotti and he yelled, ‘I’m your father and I don’t believe you!’” Prison was hard: “Right when I got in I got an education…I look around and there’s five black guys in my room. I said, ‘Am I the only white guy here?’ and this guy looked up and said, ‘You’re not white. You’re Italian.’”

Howard asked if Johnny could’ve been killed in jail, but Johnny didn’t think so: he just met a few guys who he was glad to see locked up. Johnny said his only confrontation happened after he got in “an argument over sports”: “I did what I had to do.” Johnny said was eventually cornered by cell mate: “He said, ‘I’ve done two years in the hole in Louisville…You’re an inmate. I’m a convict.’” The guy actually took Johnny under his wing and taught him the rules of prison survival, like never smiling about your mail in front of the lifer convicts who’ve been waiting years for a letter.

CHUCK ZITO WILL KNOCK YOU OUT AND BUY YOU DINNER

Johnny laughed that he’d collected some good Chuck Zito stories during his time at Scores: “One thing about Chuck that everyone needs to know: when he says he’s gonna do something, he’s gonna do it.” Johnny said he’s come across a few dudes that met the wrong end of Chuck’s fist, like Mickey Rourke and AJ Benza, and all of them got knocked out: “And then they sit down and have dinner. That’s the best part.”
BEETLE THE BOXER BEETLEJUICE WILL PUT YOU TO BED

Beetlejuice stopped by with Dominic the Midget to promote their upcoming “Battle of the Bowels” boxing match. Beet promised: “If he wants to go to the hospital, I’ll send him to the hospital.” Howard thought Beet had let himself go too much to deliver on his threats: “You’ve put on a little weight…I think Dominic [has the edge].”

Beet repeated the claim he made a few months ago that the shit that frequently shows up in his pants is put there by Dom, so Dom segued into an explanation of the match’s name: “The winner gets to shit in the other’s pants.”

The pair then took turns showing the crew the moves they planned to use in the bout. Beet got pissed when Dom punctuated his shadow punches with trash talk: “Oh yeah? He’s going to bed…he’s going to be going to the hospital tonight.

Watch me! First punch? He’s going to bed.” Howard asked Beet why he was crying, so Beet explained: “That’s water! That’s nothing!

He’s going to bed tonight and that’s why he knows it.” Richie and Will reported that Beet smelled like he might’ve shat his pants, but Beet denied it: “Ain’t nothing down there…ain’t no crap in my pants.”

BEETLEJUICE WILL PUT YOU TO BED

Beetlejuice stopped by with Dominic the Midget to promote their upcoming “Battle of the Bowels” boxing match. Beet promised: “If he wants to go to the hospital, I’ll send him to the hospital.” Howard thought Beet had let himself go too much to deliver on his threats: “You’ve put on a little weight…I think Dominic [has the edge].”

Beet repeated the claim he made a few months ago that the shit that frequently shows up in his pants is put there by Dom, so Dom segued into an explanation of the match’s name: “The winner gets to shit in the other’s pants.”

The pair then took turns showing the crew the moves they planned to use in the bout. Beet got pissed when Dom punctuated his shadow punches with trash talk: “Oh yeah? He’s going to bed…he’s going to be going to the hospital tonight.

Watch me! First punch? He’s going to bed.” Howard asked Beet why he was crying, so Beet explained: “That’s water! That’s nothing!

He’s going to bed tonight and that’s why he knows it.” Richie and Will reported that Beet smelled like he might’ve shat his pants, but Beet denied it: “Ain’t nothing down there…ain’t no crap in my pants.”
RICHARD BELZER/JASON’S WEDDING BETH UP, BELZ DOWN AT THE DOGCATEMY AWARDS

Howard started the show saying he went to the North Shore Animal League’s “Dogcatemy Awards” over the weekend. Howard told how he presented Beth with an award, which he said really surprised Beth. Afterward, Howard reaped the benefits of his kind words: “Beth was so turned on.”

Howard added that Richard Belzer had been lined up to host the event but turned out to be “the most selfish, f’ed-up person on the planet,” explaining that Belz cancelled on the event 15 minutes before the event started – his assistant called to say he was sick. Howard noted that Belz was booked to come on the show in a couple weeks, “And I wanna unbook him…How does a human being do that?” Howard then thanked Maria Menounos for stepping in and making it look effortless: “She’s a piece of ass and a home run chick.”

HIJINX AT JASON’S WEDDING

Howard complained that there were no chairs for him sit in during Jason’s wedding ceremony. Gary thought the reason may have been the fact that at least 6 people crashed the wedding (including one wearing sweatpants). Howard laughed that the reception got a little boring, so he encouraged Sal to do the stupid things he had planned on doing at his wedding, so, after Jason and his wife were lifted in the chairs (as is the custom at Jewish weddings), Sal got himself lifted on the chair, from which he took a dive. Sal and Howard continued to pal around afterward and ended up drawing lewd pictures in the wedding’s guestbook.

Howard said he also encouraged Ronnie’s bad behavior, and Sal came in to confirm the story: “I told the DJ, ‘Give the mic to that guy. He’s Jason’s great-grandfather.’” Ronnie begrudgingly took the mic and gave a rambling speech about Jason spending the night before at Rick’s Cabaret. Sal also got JD to give an awkward speech, which made Howard feel a little guilty, so he got up to counteract the goofiness with a heartfelt toast: “We looked like a bunch of assholes.”

DANCING WITH HIMSELF

Robin laughed that Steve “The Intern” Brandano had a little too much fun as well and ended up slowdancing by himself, so Steve came in to explain that he was actually paid $50 to pull the stunt: “And I got to dance with Tim [Sabean]’s wife. She bailed me out. So that was nice.” Robin said Janis (Mrs. Jason Kaplan) was also having such a good time, she started letting women feel her breasts at the end of the night: “She said to me, ‘Robin, you feel too!’”
JOHN STAMOS IN STUDIO JOHN STAMOS IS A GOOD TIME

John Stamos stopped by to promote his new Lifetime movie, “The Two Mr. Kissels,” and bragged about running into the beautiful Natalie Portman on a hike the other day. Howard speculated that John was already banging her: “The minute after John meets these girls, he’s banging them.” John said he was a one woman guy these days, adding that his girlfriend, Leah, is a big fan: “She likes you…I have a great picture of her in your shower. I’ll show you. Just her butt. It’s really cute.” John noted that the picture was taken when he and Leah hung with Howard and Beth during their “honeymoon” at their Hamptons home.

Doug Goodstein came in to say his wife was blown away by John’s “aura” at Howard’s wedding, so John apologized: “Sorry, Doug…Give me your wife’s number.” John and Howard talked a little about how some of the wedding guests went outside to smoke pot during the wedding and Howard recalled that the last time he smoked pot, he was with John at Mr. Chow’s in LA: “I didn’t like it. And then what’s-his-name drove the wrong way down the street because the paparazzi were chasing us.” John laughed that “what’s-his-name” was Rick Rubin.

HE’S NOT A DOCTOR, BUT HE PLAYS ONE ON TV

John took issue with Robin for never thanking him after he donated two personal tours of the “E.R.” set to her Girls Night Out charity, and Robin apologized: “I feel bad.” Howard asked if it was true that John had turned down a spin-off featuring his “E.R.” character, and John said it had been discussed but never developed. Howard wondered if anything had developed between John and Victoria’s Secret model Emma Heming, so John said: “That was fast. That was just a transitional, uh…she’s with Bruce Willis now.”

ERIC THE MOOCH

Howard asked if John had any advice for dudes that wanted to date Victoria’s Secret models, and John joked: “Don’t marry ‘em.” Eric the Midget called in to ask if he could further his acting career with a guest spot on an episode of “E.R.”, so the crew brainstormed possible roles – for instance; an aborted fetus or a parasitic twin. Eric said he’d just like to be a patient, and John promised to put a word in for him.
T-PAIN IN STUDIO T-PAIN GREW UP HOOD RICH

T-Pain stopped by to promote his latest record, “Thr33 Ringz,” and told the crew he’d come a long way: “I mean, we weren’t sleeping in cars and stuff…we was hood rich.” Howard asked how T-Pain’s trademark “vocoder’d” sound has influenced modern pop music, so T-Pain said a lot of people (Lil’ Wayne, Kanye West) were copying his talkbox-assisted R&B these days: “Roger Troutman made it famous…now everybody’s doing it.”

BEWARE RECORD COMPANIES, HANGERS-ON

Howard asked T-Pain why he turned down a big-money offer from Interscope, so T explained that Interscope just viewed him as a one-hit (his first, “I’m Sprung”) wonder: “It wasn’t the right situation…I signed with Akon and Akon took me to Jive.” T said the Jive deal was a smarter decision but worth a lot less than the Interscope offer: “I’m all about long-term, man.” T-Pain said he had to leave home after turning down the Interscope deal, as his father was irate over the decision.

Later, after T-Pain’s career took off at Jive, his old man had the balls to call up and ask for $250,000 – claiming that he’d leave his son alone forever in exchange for that amount. Howard empathized with the story: “My heart breaks for you when I hear that.” T-Pain laughed that he last heard from his father two weeks ago when he called up with a oil deal: “He told me he was about to be the richest man I know.”

BEST BASEMENT EVER: A STRIP CLUB

T-Pain told the crew that he married his wife at the age of 18, and the secret to their happy marriage was threesomes: “[My wife's] been throwing me these stripper parties at my house…I got a club at my house. She actually bought me the [striper] pole…there’s a stage under the pole and it lights up and the pole lights up too.” T-Pain said, “The last party was awesome. There were, like, 35 girls…the rule is, we gotta ask each other. I can’t just go stick my dick in another girl.”
STEPHEN BALDWIN & MICHAEL LOHAN PLUGGING FOR JESUS

Stephen Baldwin and Michael Lohan stopped by promote a bunch of random projects. (Howard summed it up nicely: “I don’t know what the racket is here, but I want 10% of it.”) Howard took one look at Stephen and said he must be using steroids: “You’ve blown up…what happened to you?” Stephen said he’d just become “husky.” Howard thought Stephen’s double-chin was a sign of gluttony, and Stephen began to repent: “Gluttony is a sin.”

Howard asked Michael how he reconciled his daughter’s lesbian relationship with his new found religious beliefs, and Michael explained: “I’ve had my conversation with her…we all make mistakes. We all fall short.” Stephen said God was against gays but balked at saying God was then against Lindsay. Michael continued: “If Lindsay’s happy and Samantha’s happy, I’m happy…is there a restraining order? No…I spend a lot of time with all my children.” Howard asked when Michael had last seen Lindsay, and Michael claimed he hung out with her “about a month ago when she was in New York.”

GOD WILL FORGIVE YOU, MASTURBATORS
Howard wondered if Stephen believed – like Pastor Manning – that Barack Obama was the Antichrist, but Stephen refused to align himself with the theory. Howard stayed on the attack, asking if the guys masturbated, but both refused to answer. Stephen said it was wrong: “But God will forgive you.” “Jesus” then called in to ask if Stephen brought a Bible, and Stephen said he had. “Jesus” then told Howard, “Do me a favor and bash him over the head with it.” On their way out, Stephen and Michael said a prayer for show.

Friday’s Show

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