Date posted: November 21, 2008

The best of the week november 17 – 21 – The Howard Stern ShowFriday,  November 21, 2008The Best of the Week November 17 – 21 The Howard Stern Show for November 21, 2008ARTIE’S SUICIDE STORYARTIE’S DARKEST MOMENT

Lisa G reported that she’d interviewed’s sister about a story from “Too Fat To Fish” in which Artie details his attempt to commit suicide. Artie jumped in to explain that he once ran out of coke when he was working at MadTV, “And I was out of my mind.

I wrote a full note to my mom and my sister.” Artie said he took 25 sleeping pills and a whole bottle of Exedrin PM and chased them all with a half-bottle of Jack Daniels. Artie added that the note read something like, “Ma and Stace, I’m sorry about this but I can’t deal with life for some reason. This is not your fault but I can’t keep living. I love you and I’ll see you later or somewhere.”

Howard asked Artie if he rewrote the note at all, and Artie admitted that he did: “About three times…The next thing I remember I was in my friend David Herman’s car on the way to the hospital…then I guess I passed out or something and the next thing I remember was the nurse putting the catheter in me.”

Artie later learned that MadTV’s assistant directors had gone looking for him after he’d missed a table reading and found him and the note. In a panic, they’d called 911 and David Herman (Artie’s best friend) and David beat the ambulance to Artie’s place.

ARTIE FLIES OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST

Artie said his mom and his sister flew out to be with him while he was recovering, and when David gave them the note, Artie’s mom turned it into the authorities. The doctors immediately strapped him down and sent him to the Cedars-Sinai psych ward.

Artie laughed that a fellow inmate named Gus was known to take advantage of the ward’s open door policy: “About 5 in the morning, Gus walks in and said, ‘You’re new,’ and I said, ‘You’re right, Gus,’ and then he sat down on the bed and I had the best conversation I ever had in LA.” Later, as Artie left for to recover closer to his family in New York, “MadTV” executive producer and music industry legend, Quincy Jones came to him and promised, “When you come back here, you’re [still] gonna have a job.” LIE DETECTOR TESTS TELL ALL…OR NOTJON HEIN IS A MASTURBATING LIAR…OR NOT

Ed Torian came in to administer lie detector tests to the staff and started with Jon Hein, asking him: Do you presently masturbate? “No.” [Truth!] Did you really receive over 30 blowjobs from 30 different women? “Yes.” [Lie!]

Have you masturbated in the last three years? “Yes.” [Truth!] Have you masturbated in the last year? “No.” [Truth!] Jon then explained that he has beat it sometime in the last few years, he just couldn’t remember when, but Howard was sure that Jon had said he hadn’t done the deed since getting married.

HIGH PITCH MIKE IS A GAY VIRGIN…OR NOT

After putting up a valiant struggle to get out of it, High Pitch Mike eventually sat down with Ed to definitively answer the “Are you gay?” question and said he was not.

Mike remarked that he really didn’t want to go through with the test: “You guys already have a perception of me.” Ed then set in with the questions: Are you a homosexual? “No.” [Lie!] Have you ever received a big cock in your ass? “No.” [Truth!] Are you a virgin? “No.” [Lie!] Do you hate Artie? “Yes.” [Truth!] Do you hope Artie dies? “No.” [Truth!]

RICHARD BELZER IS ALSO A LIAR…OR NOT

Richard Belzer came in to defend his decision to cancel his hosting duties at a North Shore Animal League function at the last minute, saying, “I was sick all day. I was puking and shitting blood…you think I’m making this up?” Howard said he thought Belz was being truthful: “This was the most heinous of crimes…I know when I get sick, if I’m sick that morning, I would call.” However, Belzer said he kept hoping he would be able to rally and make it to the event, but eventually realized this wouldn’t happen and was forced to cancel an hour before he was supposed to be there.

Richard insisted he wasn’t being dishonest and went into the green room to take Ed Torian’s lie detector test: Were you sick the night of the North Shore Animal League charity event? “Yes.” Were you too sick to perform that night? “Yes.” Were you bleeding from your ass? “Yes.” Did you know that morning that you were too sick? “No.” Did you call 15 minutes before? “No.” Ed then came in to say every one of Belz’ answers was a lie.

Belz was pissed: “I want to go to break…I can’t talk about it on the air. We gotta go to break. Can we go to break, please?” Howard refused: “No. I don’t want to talk to you during the break…you’re gonna guilt me…This is gonna be awful. I don’t want any reality…it’s gonna be something personal and I don’t want to know it. I’ll pay you a thousand dollars not to talk to me off the air…you’re gonna tell me something terrible.” Belz challenged Howard: “Go to break and find out, Jew.”

After the break, Howard announced: “Richard really was not feeling well. I feel like a giant asshole…[laughing] High Pitch Mike is not gay and Belzer really was sick.” Belzer then plugged his “meta-reality” novel, but no one seemed to notice and continued to rail on him for lying.
CLIPS FROM JD’S RADIO SHOWJD THE RADIO HOST FREAKS OUT

Artie started off the show saying JD should’ve been able to get laid after the “Too Fat To Fish” book signing in LA: “There was so much pussy in line…and JD’s hosting his own show in front of them. [Even] Ryan Phillippe was there and could not get this guy laid.” Howard was disappointed, so JD came in to explain: “I think I’m like the Clay Aiken of…I don’t know…[My fans] were all older.”

Howard then played a few clips from the show JD hosted live from the book signing. In one, JD freaked out as Steve Langford tried to help things along: “I wanna kill myself right now, Steve…I got like you talking to me! I got like people over here talking to me! I don’t know what the f’ to do!” In another clip, Steve Langford tried to make JD feel better, telling him he was the man, but JD disagreed: “No I’m not! This is the worst show ever!”
WHO’S THE MOST NORMAL ON STAFF?THE MOST DISTURBED STAFFER AWARD

Howard started off the show wondering which of the in-studio crew was the most disturbed, leading Robin to say, “I’m beginning to think I should part from this group because I’m so well.” Fred shot back, “The moment you say something like that, you take 16 steps back…Artie, this is where they can’t attack each other so the vortex comes this way.” Artie laughed, “Oh, I know.”

After some debate, Howard decided that “The most normal is Gary, then Fred is more normal than Robin and Robin is more normal than Artie.” Gary asked Howard where he ranked himself, and Howard conceded: “The most disturbed person is me, but Artie is in the most trouble.”
MISSY, BAM AND NOVAK“JACKASS” FAMILY LOVE

Bam Margera stopped by with his wife Missy and friend, Brandon Novak, to promote their latest video, “Where the F’ is Santa?” Bam said he brought Novak because he’d do anything, as he’s tossed aside all his morals after losing his pro-skateboarding career to heroin addiction.

Novak laughed that his addiction was devastating – he was once so high, he tried to bang his own mom (thinking she was someone else): “I was high as a kite…I slipped my hand right up her mummu..and the second I feel a little wetness, she flew away like a wolverine on angel dust.”

Howard asked Missy, if it was annoying to have to be surrounded by all the “Jackass” stunts, and she admitted she bit off more than she could chew: “When I married Bam, I didn’t realize I was marrying all his friends too…sometimes I feel like I’m married to Novak.” Bam laughed that he also recently tried Missy’s patience by losing his wedding ring while drunkenly fooling around at a metal show. Missy said she was still upset about it: “I cried for a week.”

NOVAK TOSSES RICHARD’S SALAD

Novak told the crew that he’d do pretty much anything for cash – even gay sex acts: “I’ll take one pump for $250.” Howard decided that Novak should lick Richard’s taint, so Richard came in and dropped trou’ (”I’m worried.”) and Novak spat out his gum, setting his own agenda: “C’mere, gimme that asshole!”

Everyone screamed their reaction as Brandon tongued Richard, who resisted until Brandon told him to submit: “Don’t make this rape turn into a murder, boy!” After the tongue lashing, Richard said it felt like “someone shoving a wet piece of toilet paper up my bunghole.”

NOVAK WILL DO (ALMOST) ANYTHING FOR $

Gary then came in to say Sal had a big juicy hemorrhoid and might let Novak lick it. Sal disputed the story, saying he’d only do the stunt if the prize money was sweetened: “If you make it a grand, I’ll do it.” Sal then turned around and bent over to show the crew what they were paying for.

Howard was disgusted by “something hanging there,” and Artie thought it looked like Sal was shitting out an eyeball. Even Novak refused to suck the inflamed ‘rhoid and Howard thanked him, remarking that he was scared of the health risks involved.

A BAM STYLE THREESOME: TWO GUYS, ONE CHICK

Bam noted that he once tried to have a threesome with Missy and another guy (the lead singer of the rock group H.I.M.), but Missy had turned them down. Bam admitted that it would’ve been a little awkward – in the morning: “It would’ve been fun, but the next day when I woke up…” Missy agreed, saying she didn’t even consider it. Howard then plugged HowardTV’s “The Most Outrageous Stern Show Moments of 2008,” which will be hosted by Bam, and declared that Novak tonguing Richard’s butthole was sure to be number one.
THE BIG LOSER UPDATE CREEPY DUDE OUT-FREAKS BUNNY RANCH WHORES

The Bunny Ranch’s Brooke Taylor stopped by with Michael, the listener who won her services in the Big Loser Contest, to discuss their evening together. Michael said he was a virgin before meeting Brooke, and Brooke cut in to laugh that Michael actually called his mom before they got down to business. Michael confessed that he asked to be called the n-word during their session: “I told her to say, ‘Bang me like we’re on the plantation.’”

Brooke said Michael was one creepy dude: “The reason this man is a virgin? He didn’t want to have sex with us. He has an oral fixation. He wanted to suck our toes.” Michael confirmed the story, saying he couldn’t really perform sexually because he’d been so excited beforehand that he had to jerk off: “All over my sister’s computer. I know she’s listening and I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have jerked off. I got impatient.” Brooke added that all Michael wanted to do was trade oral sex acts.

A FREAK OF THE FIRST ORDER

Michael noted that another Bunny Rancher named Air Force Amy joined them in the bedroom, and, like Eric the Midget, he became so attached to the girls that he now cries at night.

Howard wanted a unifying theory about Michael’s strange behavior, so Robin offered: “He’s been masturbating his entire life and not even his masturbation is normal. He just sat there and said he can masturbate for 3 or 4 hours and not finish. He’s not gay. He’s a freak. He’s a freak of the first order.”

Friday’s Show

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