Date posted: September 19, 2008

The best of the week september 14 – 18 – The Howard Stern ShowFriday,  September 19, 2008The Best of the Week September 14 – 18 The Howard Stern Show for September 19, 2008WEDNESDAY: PETE BEST AND BRIAN DUNKLEMAN PICK THE WINNING LOOSERTHE BIG LOSER CONTEST

Howard welcomed Pete Best, Brian Dunkleman and Scott the Engineer to judge the “Howard Stern’s Big Loser” contest. Howard asked Pete how he met and joined the Beatles, so Pete explained that he and Paul McCartney were friends in school. Fred speculated that Pete was kicked out of the Beatles for being more attractive than John and Paul, and Pete laughed, “If people want to believe that, I won’t tell them otherwise.”

Howard then turned to Brian, who joked that he wasn’t too different than Pete, as he was kicked off “American Idol” because “I was getting more cock than Seacrest.” Mean while, Scott wanted to point out that he did not quit the show’s band, “The Loser’s,” he was kicked out. Howard then told Pete, Brian and Scott that they would be picking the biggest loser from a pool of three creepy listeners, and the most pathetic loser will get the chance to “date” Brooke Taylor, one of the whores from Dennis Hof’s Bunny Ranch.

MEET YOUR WHORE PRIZE

Brooke Taylor came in and answered the usual questions: she bangs two or three guys a day, got into the business after seeing HBO’s “Cathouse,” has had threesomes with both mother-daughter and father-son pairs, and was willing to keep anal “on the table” for the winner of today’s contest. Howard introduced Brooke to the contestants – Ass-Napkin Ed, Hanzi, and Michael, a 34-year-old virgin – and she tried to motivate them with a glimpse of her ass. Howard then asked the sad sacks to plead their cases.

THE CONTESTANTS’ SOB STORIES

Michael said he’s blind in one eye due to glaucoma, has never so much as kissed a girl and is unemployed. Artie said Michael’s story wasn’t that sad, as there’s an upside to glaucoma: “Free weed!” Howard asked Michael why he didn’t work, so Michael explained that he used to be a security guard but quit after realizing that no woman wants to be with a security guard. Now, instead of working, Michael lives at home with his mom, where he masturbates a lot and collects action figures.

THE CREEP SHOW CONTINUES

Artie called the next contestant, Hanzi, “a little Pakistani cherub,” and laughed maniacally at his appearance. Hanzi told the crew that he broke up with his last girlfriend (two years ago) “because her pussy stunk or whatever.” Hanzi said he briefly went to school to study “business” and now spends most of his time smoking pot. Robin asked why Hanzi had such a hard time with women, but Artie answered for him: “Robin, you can see him, can’t you?”

Howard then turned to Ass-Napkin Ed and asked him why he was wearing a helmet. Ed mumbled something about it being a Harley helmet – and then explained to Brooke that he was called “Ass-Napkin Ed” because he keeps tissues in the crack of his leaky ass. Ed added that he keeps two buckets in his boarding house bedroom so he won’t have to leave to poo – and uses scented candles to cover the smell.

HERE HE IS…THE BIG LOSER

Pete voted for Ass-Napkin Ed, as Ed’s story put tears in his eyes. Brian picked Michael, because he was still a virgin. Scott the Engineer then registered the winning vote for Michael, also citing his virginity as the deciding factor. Howard then presented the losing contestants with $500 each and wished Michael and Brooke the best of luck.
THURSDAY: CHEVY CHASE IN STUDIO BEWARE THE LANDSHARK

Chevy Chase made stopped by for his very first visit to the show to promote his charity, and Howard asked how Chevy got started in show business. Chevy said he started out writing in college and moved on to Channel One and then Mad magazine, Alan King, and, later, Saturday Night Live. Howard wondered why Chevy left Saturday Night Live, and Chevy explained that he let the first season’s success go to his head and ruined his relationships with the cast members. Howard asked what Chevy’s favorite SNL skit was and he answered, “Landshark.”

After a while, Chevy introduced himself to Artie, which cracked everyone up – Chevy clearly hadn’t remembered Artie from the week they’d spent working together on “Dirty Work.” Artie had to remind Chevy about the time they worked together, and Chevy lamented that the best scene in the script never made it to the screen. Artie agreed, describing the prank – a giftbox of defiled doughnuts with a picture of them being violated at the bottom: “Somewhere out there is a picture of me and Norm with doughnuts on our cocks.”

Howard asked Chevy how much he was paid to film “Caddy Shack,” so Chevy reported that he got $800,000 for a week’s worth of work. Chevy said he was also offered “Animal House,” but he turned it down (“I’d already lived it.”) to work with Goldie Hawn. Howard marveled at how good Goldie looked at the time, and Chevy agreed, noting that he didn’t manage to bed Goldie until after the movie was through with principal production.
MONDAY: GUESS WHO SLEPT WITH ARTIE GAMEGUESS WHO SLEPT WITH ARTIE

Howard welcomed three women to the studio and announced that the crew would have to guess which one Artie’s slept with. Howard was taken with all of the contestants: “Whoever it is, Artie’s a lucky man.”

Howard asked Denise #3 how long ago she’d slept with Artie, and she reported that she’d been with him a couple years ago when he was “huge” – and the sex was…great. Denise #1 claimed she’d met Artie at a party through a photographer friend, and Denise #2 said she met Artie at a “low point, but he was a good part of it.”

Howard asked Denise #2 what she meant by a low point, so she explained she met Artie in Cancun while she was in the midst of separating from her husband. Howard doubted Denise #2’s story, as Artie’s not known to like hot weather. Robin asked what Artie’s favorite drink was. Denise #2 said tequila, Denise #3 said a gin and tonic, and Denise #1 couldn’t recall. Howard and the crew continued to investigate and explore the girl’s stories/accounts before making their decision.

AND THE “WINNER” IS…

Robin chose Denise #2, as her story about Artie making love to her in the ocean actually seemed believable. Fred also picked Denise #2 because she knew Artie loved to order room service after sex. Benjy thought #1’s body language betrayed a previous encounter with Artie and Howard pointed at #2, citing her tactful responses, “But the ocean [sex story] throws me off.” The girls then did a little shuffle and number three stepped forward.

Artie told the crew he originally met the real Denise in Cancun sometime between his stint on MadTV and the filming of “Dirty Work,” but nothing happened at that time. A few years later, after “The Norm Show” was canceled, they dated for a few months. Artie then twisted the knife: he has introduced Denise to everyone in the room before…at one of Howard’s New Years Eve parties. Artie then asked Denise if she would’ve continued the relationship if he had wanted to, and she said she knew the show, which he had just started doing, was too important to him to stand between his on-air freedom. Artie laughed that she was just letting him down nicely.
THURSDAY: BROOKE HOGAN IN STUDIOHOWARD IS A BROOKE HOGAN FAN

Brooke Hogan stopped by to promote the latest season of “Brooke Knows Best” and said she couldn’t figure out why she’s so popular with Vh1’s older demographic. Howard said he and Beth O were fascinated by Brooke’s life, particularly a recent episode where Brooke took a fan to the prom. Brooke laughed that the incident was “so awkward.” Howard then asked Brooke why her friend Ashley doesn’t dress sexy, so Brooke explained that it was just Ashley’s style: “She’s a bookworm!”

Robin asked Brooke if Howard was too old for her, and Brooke replied, “I don’t think age really matters.” Howard wondered if Brooke’s opinion held true for her mom’s 20-year-old boyfriend, and Brooke admitted it did not – but she doesn’t really talk to her mom right now.

Howard noted that Brooke’s dad’s girlfriend kind of looked like her, but Brooke claimed that while certain picture’s of her dad’s girlfriend have given her pause, they don’t resemble each other “in real life.” Howard asked Brooke if her boobs were real, but Brooke avoided the question (“What do I look like to you?”) and promised to be more forthcoming in the future: “[A Playboy pictorial] is something to think about…[but] I don’t know if I’d go full [nude].”
TUESDAY: PEREZ HILTON IN STUDIOA ONE MAN BAND

The owner of one of the most popular gossip Websites on the Internet, PerezHilton.com – who also happens to be named Perez Hilton – stopped by to say hi. Howard noted that, other than his sister and mother, Perez pretty much runs the site himself. Perez explained he gets up at four in the morning and trolls the Internet for stories and photos to post (and draw on). Howard observed that one of the drawbacks of his success was that the things he used to get away with when no one was paying attention get him into trouble now that his site is so popular. Perez agreed, noting he now has to pay for the photos he uses on his site. Perez asked Howard if it was true he and Beth would be getting married in the next few days. Howard laughed that news outlets had been reporting the same thing almost every weekend this past summer, adding that Beth had been approached by a couple of magazines offering up to $2 million for photos from their wedding. Howard said they had considered taking the money to give to their charities, but in the end turned the offer down.

PEREZ HAS THE DIRT

Howard asked Perez about the story he’d read of a wild night on the town Perez had spent with John Mayer and Jessica Simpson. According to Perez’ version of the story the trio shared a very hot few minutes in a club, although John Mayer’s people denied the story. Howard asked what Perez has been hearing about politics in Hollywood and Perez reported that most everyone was pretty vocally supporting Obama – except Kid Rock who doesn’t think people shouldn’t talk about their politics in public. Perez thought the recent addition of Sarah Palin to the race was great from a gossip columnist’s point of view…adding that the most recent thing he’d heard about the Governor of Alaska was that she had a tanning bed installed in the governor’s mansion, although she claims she paid for it with her own money.

BETH MEETS HER FAVORITE HILTON

Before Perez left the studio Howard checked with Gary to see if Beth had arrived for her visit, explaining she visits PerezHilton.com several times a day. Gary said she was there and Beth came in, arguing that she only visits once a day. Beth explained she does love the site but has some problems with a few things, mainly with the way he treats the children of celebs, like Adam Sandler’s infant daughter and Rumer Willis. Perez replied that Bruce and Demi’s eldest daughter had earned her treatment on her own and explained the photo of Sandler’s daughter was something did in hopes of getting a response from Adam, hoping he might earn a spanking from Adam as a punishment. Perez asked Beth if he could have the exclusive on their wedding photos, but she declined. Perez thought it was a shame to waste the beautiful custom Marchesa wedding dress, suggesting that maybe Beth would release a wedding picture of just her in her dress, and Beth seemed to like that idea.

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