Date posted: September 26, 2008

The best of the week september 22 – 26 – The Howard Stern ShowFriday,  September 26, 2008The Best of the Week September 22 – 26 The Howard Stern Show for September 26, 2008MON: BIGFOOT PASSWORD WITH ANGELIQUE MORGAN BIGFOOT & ANGELIQUE MORGAN FACE OFF

Howard welcomed Bigfoot and French porn star Angelique Morgan to the studio to play Bigfoot Password. Howard asked Bigfoot if he was getting any action lately, so Bigfoot told the crew that he frequents a few women of the night: “I paid one girl with a laptop it is…you better believe I banged her. All night long.” Bigfoot said he paid another girl with a fifth a vodka “and a couple other things I can’t talk about on the air it is.”

Angelique told the crew she was also hitting some roadblocks on her way to love: every guy she meets is “super gay or is, like, taken.” Bigfoot said his recent legal troubles in the state of Vermont have solved themselves: “They found me uncompetent it is.” Richard then called in as “Vermont” to threaten Bigfoot, but Bigfoot wasn’t scared: “My problem is your Newport cops up there in Newport it is…I wouldn’t even hire them to push my wheelbarrow around.”

DUMBASS PASSWORD

Howard asked Bigfoot what he’d do to Angelique, and he responded quickly: “Prolly eat her out and lick her tits. I don’t know prolly stick my dick in a few times. You know, do her every which way.” Howard then explained the Password game and gave the first word “nun” which Angelique didn’t even know how to describe, so Howard gave her a new one, “clitoris.” Angelique’s clues, followed by the guesses they prompted from Bigfoot:

Orgasm. “F’ing you?”

Female. “I don’t f’ng know.”

Sex. “Coming on herself? Having an orgasm to herself?”

Angelique’s next word, “vagina,” didn’t go much better:

Pussy. “Juice.”

Female. “I don’t know.”

Orgasm. “F’ing on her tits?”

Bigfoot tried his hand at “astronaut,” with Angelique guessing in vain:

Space. “Sky.”

Stars. “Galaxy.”

Moon. “Sky.”

The pair then struggled with the word “monster” for several rounds in a row, first with Bigfoot’s horrible guesses:

Halloween. “Prick or preet.”

Scary. “Herman Munster.”

Ugly. “Sasquatch?”

After the two switched roles, Angelique guessed “monster” and Howard presented the pair with $2,500 to split between.

WED: CHRIS ROCK LIVE IN STUDIO CHRIS ROCK IS NO SWIMMER

Chris Rock stopped by to promote his new HBO special and said he was glad to visit on a day that Artie wasn’t “on leave.” When Chris noted he had seen Robin’s boat in Jet Magazine, Howard asked if he thought it was ridiculous that Robin has a yacht when she can’t swim, but Chris replied that he couldn’t swim either: “I’m from Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn. You can’t just go around the corner [and find a pool].” Howard then wondered if Chris’ wife hated him (Howard), and Chris admitted it was true: “Everybody knows it…I try to tell her, ‘Honey, he’s on for hours every day. If I were on for hours, I’d offend everybody.’”

Howard asked if Chris was getting laid, and Chris’ reply was quick: “Of course not!” Chris also denied rumors that he had an affair with his “I Think I Love My Wife” co-star, Kerry Washington: “Kerry’s beautiful, but no.” Chris noted that he keeps an office near Howard’s house, and he keeps an eye on Beth from his window: “You know that look that some women give, the ‘I’m-with-an-old-guy…make your move’? She doesn’t give that look…I wish you well, but your life’s gonna change.”

CHRIS DOESN’T NEED THAT

Howard wondered how Chris put together his latest HBO special, so Chris explained that he puts his set together and then flies in a handful of writers to watch him perform it in Vegas and give him notes: “You invest in yourself.” Sal came in to finally ask Chris if he was offended when Sal greeted him at a Beastie Boys concert back in the ‘90’s with a friendly, “What’s up, my n—a?” Chris didn’t remember meeting Sal but said, “People curse around me more than they do around other people…I don’t need that.”

Chris told the crew about a “prank” that was pulled on him in South Africa that involved a rumor about him having an affair with a young British girl: “They said I had sex with a minor in London.” Howard said he would kill anyone who made similar accusations about him. Chris explained that the prank show’s producers set up a fake courtroom and a huge supporting cast, but he knew he was safe: “I knew I hadn’t f’ed anybody…[so] I got the f’ out the country.”
MON: RALPH REFUSES TO TAKE LIE DETECTOR TESTSURPRISE! RALPH BACKS OUT

A caller asked Howard what was happening with Ralph’s upcoming lie detector test, so Howard explained that Dominic Barbara’s $5,000 prize wasn’t enough to guarantee Ralph’s involvement. Gary came in to explain that Ralph eventually backed out when the Judge David Young Show got involved and their producers began asking some “pointed questions” as his memory of the incidents in question was “vague.” Artie said he wanted to back out of the challenge anyway, as it created an awkward situation.
THURS: NORM MAC DONALD LIVE IN STUDIO NORM MACDONALD DID NOT RETIRE

Norm MacDonald stopped by to promote his three-night stand at Caroline’s in New York and Howard immediately asked him what the hell he was doing these days: “Did you retire?” Norm said he was just doing stand-up like he always has: “I just do stand-up, right? And then sometimes they offer me stuff that I’m no good at and I do that. Then I go back to stand-up.” Norm added that he stays out of the big-time comedian social circle: “I don’t want to seem like I want something. I don’t care if I ever do another movie.”

Norm told the crew he doesn’t like to bomb on stage, but does think bombing is funny: “I see humor in that. It’s not like you’re up there trying to make them not laugh.” Howard wondered if Norm’s writing process was at fault, so Norm explained that his method was foolproof: “You come up with something and you stick it up in your head.” Norm said he had a lot of time to himself to write, as he’s more or less an agoraphobic and spends all day in his house: “Most days I just whack off.”

DON’T TREAT THIS MAN

Howard asked if Norm was still a big gambler and poker player, but Norm said he wasn’t really anymore. Howard speculated that Norm had gone to therapy to deal with his gambling problem, but Norm denied it: “I’m not you. I don’t do that shit.” Norm claimed he’d seen a therapist when he was a seventeen and the guy killed himself a week later. Howard tried to pry more, but Norm struck back: “You go three times a week. I see a guy once when I’m seventeen and I’m f’ed up?”

Howard played a clip from The Adam Carolla Show of Norm blaming the Stern Show for Artie’s drug problems, so Norm explained that he didn’t think Howard or anyone else on the crew was at fault, he just feels weird about Artie’s problems being fodder for the show. Artie said his problems, when viewed in retrospect, have their own arc within the context of the show and “eventually became interesting,” so they’re fair game.

NORM PROVES IT: RALPH IS OFFICIALLY GAY

Ralph called in to tell a story about having dinner with Norm and a few others and Norm reaching over to put his hand on Ralph’s thigh. Ralph didn’t say anything so Norm left his hand there for several minutes before finally announcing that “Ralph’s really gay! I’ve had my hand on his leg for five minutes and he hasn’t moved it or said anything.” Norm laughed that the move was just his way of testing a guy’s sexuality, but Ralph claimed he wasn’t gay, although he wasn’t really sure why he put up with it either: “I don’t know. I thought it was funny!”
WED: WHO SHOULD THE NEXT REAL DOLL LOOK LIKE? WHO SHOULD HAVE A REAL DOLL DOUBLE?

Howard recalled how he once banged a real doll: “If you put enough jelly in there…and slide back and forth, it can feel good. You feel like a real douchebag doing it.” Fred, who also did the doll, admitted that he also felt douche-y: “It was nothing like the real thing.” Howard laughed that the real doll manufacturer recently contacted the show, offering to mold the doll’s face to look like any celebrity. The crew spent some time discussing their choices: Lisa G (Benjy’s pet idea) and Ronnie the Limo Driver. Richard claimed he was really excited to f’ the Ronnie doll in the mouth: “I would violate it and slap it around and finish on its face. And I think Ronnie should have to watch.”

EVERYONE WANTS A GO AT THE LISA G DOLL

Lisa G came in to say the idea of the staff having sex with a real doll double of herself was “gross”: “I work with you guys! That’s disgusting.” Richard speculated that Lisa secretly liked the idea: “Lisa would love it if Howard banged the Lisa real doll.” Howard agreed: “I think Lisa is kind of complimented that she’s in the running.” Lisa insisted Howard was wrong: “It’s warped. It’s perverted!” Sal came in to say he couldn’t wait to pee all over the Lisa real doll: “I’ll put up cash…I don’t know why but I’d love to do it.” Gary said he would take the Lisa real doll and bend it over the in-studio couch, and Ronnie announced he couldn’t wait to “pound the Lisa real doll’s ass.”

OR MAYBE YOU’D LIKE A PLASTIC JON HEIN?

Artie voted for a Jon Hein real doll: “And I want to watch that doll never jerk off…It’d be my new assistant.” Artie added that he’d be happy to f’ the doll, but not on camera. Gary and Howard went over some of the other popular ideas: Robin, Elizabeth Hasslebeck, Kathie Lee Gifford, Rosa Parks, Coretta Scott King, the Bush twins, Mariah Carey and Katie Holmes. Fred listed a few more: Wendy the Retard, Eric the Midget and Steve Langford. Richard was in love with the Steve Langford idea: “The doll has to have a huge penis.”

The crew then voted for their favorites. Sal still wanted a Lisa G double and Richard a Ronnie. Lisa G thought she’d like a faux-Jon Hein. Artie also voted for Jon Hein: “Because he’s so not sexual.” Jon came in to say he was flattered by Artie’s vote: “It wouldn’t bug me.” Howard registered the deciding vote for Lisa. Lisa said she wouldn’t be willing to submit to the full-body mold: “The texture and the firmness [of my body], even though it is firm, isn’t like it used to be.”

THE ERIC THE MIDGET REAL DOLL GOES TO COURT (THURSDAY)

Howard noted that Jimmy Kimmel emailed the show to beg them to make a real doll double of Eric the Midget, causing Eric to call in to threaten Howard: “If you do it, you’re gonna face some legal problems.” Howard told Eric that he didn’t need his permission: “I’ll go to court with you over that…I’ll take the Eric the Midget real doll and fly it around with balloons.” Richard came in to say he couldn’t wait to take the doll’s “little claw-hand and wrap it around my cock.”

Artie finally brought in the package of pictures that Eric the Midget had signed for each member of the crew. Howard asked if the 8×10 of Eric had been doctored, as there were no splotches on the little guy’s face, and Eric admitted there may have been a few touch-ups. Howard then opened Eric’s other gift, a copy of Jewish Chess Masters on Stamps, and read Eric’s loving inscription. Robin complained that she couldn’t hang her picture anywhere, because Eric’s inscription calls her a witch and tells her to shove vegetables inside her.
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