Date posted: October 3, 2008

The best of the week september 29 – october 2 – The Howard Stern ShowFriday,  October 3, 2008The Best of the Week September 29 – October 2 The Howard Stern Show for October 3, 2008TOM ARNOLD IN STUDIO TOM ARNOLD IS THE GOLD MINE

Tom Arnold stopped by to promote the second season of his reality TV show, “My Big Redneck Wedding,” and told the crew he’d been “cleansing” for the past two weeks: “It’s way worse than getting off booze or cocaine.” Howard asked Tom about his divorce from Roseanne, so Tom claimed he never took a penny from her: “But she keeps saying I did. I might as well have it.” Tom then laughed that he and Arnold Schwarzenegger always joke about marrying successful women.

Howard wondered if Tom had had a nose job, and Tom confessed: “Just to get it fixed and have a little bit of Jew shaved off.” Tom said he recently met a 17-year-old mother while he was in the hospital and was inspired to have children. Unfortunately, Tom’s sperm count was too low, so he’s had acupuncture in his balls and paid for several expensive fertility treatments for his girlfriend. To offset the cost, he invested in a couple Canadian gold mines with a bunch of famous Canadian hockey players, but the mines never paid out. Howard joked that it seemed more likely that Tom and his partners were the gold mine for the people who got them to invest.

BRITNEY SPEARS IS LOST

Tom said he lived in the same building as Britney Spears and once found her asleep in the hallway (“I tripped over her.”) because she was locked out of her apartment: “She waited for Kevin Federline to get home and come up the elevator and find her. It was very sad.” Tom added that he told Kevin to try to take better care of her: “A few years ago I was in the Kevin Federline position. The star was the wife.”
ARTIE & RONNIE FIGHT ON MONDAY’S WRAP UP SHOWRONNIE IS A DELICATE FLOWER

Everyone agreed that Ronnie’s toast at Howard’s birthday party was inappropriate and out of line. Artie’s impression of the incident continued to grate on Ronnie’s nerves, and eventually he confessed that he thinks Artie hates him. Artie denied it, saying that Ronnie was a good guy, but Ronnie didn’t seem to buy it. After a while, Artie left the studio, and Gary told Ronnie that he needed to learn the difference between someone busting his balls and straight hating on him.
HOWARD ON RONNIE’S SPEECHUNWANTED GUEST MAKES HORRIBLE SPEECH AT HOWARD’S BACHELOR PARTY

Howard noted that he enjoyed his bachelor party last Thursday but didn’t go on to Rick’s Cabaret with the rest of the guys: “I was in bed by 10:30.” Artie complained that Ronnie the Limo Driver’s drunken behavior nearly ruined the party, and Howard agreed: “Ronnie gets up and goes ‘F’ man, why you getting married, man? Why do things have to change?’” In response, Ronnie instructed Howard to never invite him to anything again, and Howard shot back that it was a bachelor party – he didn’t invite him.

RONNIE REQUESTS “A TRACTION”

Ronnie came in to complain about one of the headlines from yesterday’s Rundown: “Ronnie Ruins Howard’s Bachelor Party.” Howard agreed and asked the Webmaster to change the headline to “Unwanted Guest Gives Horrible Speech At Howard’s Birthday Party.” Ronnie, unsatisfied with the edit, threatened to stay home from Howard’s wedding. The play backfired, though, as Howard liked the idea and – as if to explain why – played a clip of Ronnie screaming “Let’s f’ some whores!” at Bubba the Love Sponge’s wedding.
MEXICAN DELIVERY GAME WITH CASSIA REILLYPENTHOUSE PET CASSIA RILEY GETS DOWN, JUMPS AROUND

Former Penthouse Pet Cassia Riley stopped by to play the Mexican Delivery Game and Howard told her she was one of the hottest girls ever. Cassia noted that she’s been dating Everlast for ten years and they enjoy a very full sex life together – sometimes with a mix-in if she finds the right girl. Cassia said she also likes to be choked during sex “right up until I almost pass out.” Howard then explained the game’s rules: two Mexican delivery guys will come in, and Howard will offer them a choice between a tip or the opportunity to play with Cassia.

MARIO SWINGS FOR THE FENCES

The first delivery guy, a 19-year-old named Mario, was stunned by Cassia’s body: “Holy shit.” Howard started off by offering Mario $50 or a glimpse of Cassia naked. Mario chose the money. Howard then stepped it up to $150 or the chance to feel up Cassia and spank her ass. Mario thought it over: “For real?…Her.” Howard went up again to $200, throwing in an ass-grab on the other hand, and Mario again took the chance to molest Cassia. Artie agreed: “Can I negotiate my contract this way?”

Cassia stripped down for Mario. Artie: “Oh they are perfect (breasts)!”) and allowed him to feel her up. Cassia enjoyed it: “I love having my tits rubbed…I get naked for a living and I’ve never felt more like a piece of meat.” Mario said Cassia felt smooth – and added that he’d like to marry her. Mario then began slapping Cassia’s ass (“That one hurt! F’er!”), impressing Artie with his technique: “He hits like A-Rod!” Afterward, Howard gave Mario the $200 anyway and sent him on his way: “The INS is outside in the hall waiting for you.”

CULO, SI…COOCHIE, NO!br>

The next delivery guy, Ramon, said Cassia was pretty. Offered the $50 bill or the chance to play with Cassia’s titties, he whistled, indicating Cassia. Howard upped the offer to $100 or an ass-and-titties rub, and he again picked Cassia. The next offer was the clincher: $200 or the full meal deal (rub her tits, rub her ass, smack her ass). Ramon immediately collected, saying Cassia felt “kind of squishy.” When he went to feel her ass, Cassia had to warn him several times to stay away from her “Coochie.” As the crew cheered him on (“Viva la America!”) Ramon then slapped her ass, and, thanks to Howard, collected the $200 anyway.

STEVE BRANDANO VS STEVE LANGFORD AND JARED VS JD IS STEVE “THE INTERN” BRANDANO FEUD-PRONE?
Steve Langford reported that Jared Fox and Steve “The Intern” Brandano locked themselves in the green room and screamed at each other for almost an hour yesterday. Brandano then stepped out, discovering Langford outside the door and yelled at him as well. Brandano came in to say he’s been angry with Langford for a while, as Langford once interviewed his girlfriend after he was asked not to: “She’s a schoolteacher. She could lose her job.”

Brandano then explained that he and Jared talked out their problems yesterday: “I feel that Jared and I are great friends outside of work…we both decided that we might change the way we act toward each other around the office.” Robin asked why Jared wouldn’t work things out with JD in the same way, so JD came in to say, “He’s just the type of person that I don’t like to deal with,” explaining that Jared and Brandano had a better relationship to build on.

JARED AND JD: TOGETHER AGAIN?

Jared then came in to explain his side of the Brandano feud: “I felt that he portrayed me in a light that wasn’t accurate…we got in a heated discussion and Steve pointed out some things I have to work on. I guess I come across as arrogant to the people who are at a lower level and I have to deal with that…It took about a half hour for me and Steve to work out our problems, but I think it would take a lot longer with JD.” Howard then forced JD to look at Jared and speak his mind. JD resisted: “People have differences…there’s no reason to get in a room and talk about it.”

Jared then said he understood that JD had problems with him, but he still wanted to move forward. JD said he’d been trying to move forward: “I think we are better not as friends…I think co-workers is fine and that’s it…Steve [Brandano] pretty much voiced my uh [laughing] you know uh whatever.” To add insult to injury, Howard asked Jared about the Penthouse Pet he banged and when he last got laid. Jared smirked: “Last night.” Howard then laughed that he couldn’t wait for the promotion that forces the two to be hand-cuffed together.

THE IRON SHEIK RETURNS BEWARE THE IRON SHEIK

The Iron Sheik stopped by to promote his return to the Killers of Comedy line-up and told the crew that rumors about his recent behavior were untrue: “That jabroni Beetlejuice has a big mouth!” Sheik went on to complain about sharing a room with Beet when the comedy crew’s on tour: “It was insult!” Howard asked if he knew that Beetle was at least partially retarded, but the Sheik claimed not to have known this. Howard then noted that Sheik recently got kicked out of a bar after the bartender claimed she didn’t know who he was, so he let lose with some of his favorite insults. Sheik claimed it was all the bartender’s fault: “She make me very mad.”

The Sheik confessed that his wife of 35 years left him three months ago because he was poor: “She’s a no-good golddigger!” Howard said he’d heard she left the Sheik due to his alcohol and drug use, but the Sheik claimed he’d changed his ways: “No more hard. No more coke.” The Sheik’s manager came in to confirm the account: “I watch him on the road. It’s a full-time job.”

“I AM LEGEND! YOU ARE FAT PIECE OF SHIT!”

Sheik then told several antagonistic callers that he was going to f’ them in the ass, but when Howard asked if the Sheik had ever followed through with the threat, the Sheik admitted that it was “against his Shiite religion.” A fake Macho Man Randy Savage called in and, as usual, the Sheik called him a “cheap Jew son of a bitch.” Artie then called in as “King Kong Bundy” to tell the Sheik he was gay, so the Sheik replied, “I am a legend! You are fat piece of shit!”

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