THE FUTURE MRS. GANGE? The Howard Stern Show for April 20, 2009

THE BLACK HOWARD STERN?

Howard started off the show taking issue with actor/comedian Jamie Foxx. Howard noted that Jamie went on The Tonight Show last week to apologize for some statements he’d made about Miley Cyrus – and claimed he was just joking around like Howard might: “I’m the Black Howard Stern.” Howard was miffed: “It was really weird to me because then it morphs into what Howard Stern said.”

Artie thought Howard should be flattered that an Academy Award-winner chose to make the comparison, but Robin didn’t think so: “[Howard] would never say those things about a 16-year-old girl.” Howard agreed: “I wouldn’t talk about Miley Cyrus the same way. I like Jamie – he’s a good guy, but I hate being dragged into these controversies…just leave me out of it. I got enough trouble…you can’t be the black Howard Stern until I appoint you.”

ARTIE’S SPA WEEK DOWN THE SHORE

Artie said he spent the vacation week at his shore house with his trainer and played a lot of basketball – including a few games with some 18-year-old kids: “I got so pissed off at the kid I was guarding.” Artie outlined his workout routine: a full-court basketball game then 18-20 minutes on the treadmill and a sauna to finish things off. Howard thought Artie must’ve lost some weight.

HOWARD STERN ON TWITTER

“The name Twitter itself sounds effeminate…maybe we shouldn’t be Twittering. It’s gay.”

SAL’S SHARE OF THE CREDIT CRISIS

Lisa G reported that Sal had an hours-long meeting with his financial planner last week to evaluate his nine credit cards and learned that one had a 31% interest rate. Howard was happy to hear that Sal was taking control of his finances, as he’d like to see Sal’s kids go to college. Sal then came in to say he threw out eight of the cards and would pay down his credit debt with the money he makes from comedy gigs.

GARY NEEDS A BLASTING

Gary came in to tell the crew about the kidney stone his doctor recently discovered in his ureter, and the most common remedy is a procedure in which the stone is “blasted” via ultrasound. Gary then revealed the kicker: ultrasound “blasting” only works 60% of the time, and if doesn’t work, the doctor will have to insert a tube up Gary’s urethra (also known as his pee hole) to break it up: “Like a roto-rooter.”

YOU DRINK LIKE A CHRISTY

Yucko the Clown called in to report that Richard’s mom got a little “tipsy” during a Killers of Comedy event in Kansas: “I see where he gets it now…she was stumbling all over the place.”

Richard came in to confirm the story, explaining that she usually doesn’t drink: “It hit her pretty hard.” Howard laughed: “So she doesn’t have a drinking problem, she just doesn’t drink enough.”

Richard said the real drunk was the Reverend Bob Levy, who drank a whole bottle of Patron before his set.

MISS HOWARDTV IS A “MASSEUSE GIRL”

The latest Miss HowardTV, Becky Wunder, stopped by and told the crew she worked as a “masseuse girl” at Rick’s Caberet, meaning she does not disrobe – she wears a minidress and rubs you down (but not down there).

Artie took one look at her ass and became despondent: “I gotta get outta here.” Howard laughed that HowardTV’s Mike Gange was so in love with Becky, he’d been hanging around her more than necessary. Ronnie came in to report that Gange had also arranged a video shoot with Becky at Rick’s last Friday – and then bought her dinner.

Gange came in to say he was just doing his job, but Howard was doubtful, saying Gange should just ask her out directly: “I mean, [otherwise] he becomes a friend. Right, Becky?”

THIS IS HOW IT’S DONE, ROBIN

After hearing the new Black Eyed Peas single, Howard invited Becky back to the studio to show Robin how the strippers dance at Rick’s.

BEWARE THE ASS NAPKIN CAMP

Artie said he ran into the winners of Ass Napkin Ed’s backstage pass auction outside a recent gig and learned that Ed had blown them off, taking the online payment but never meeting them with the passes. Artie said he brought the guys backstage only to watch Ed run away: “He high-tailed it outta there. He was scared shitless.”

Ed’s friend Goblin called in to dispute the story and claim that he and Ed waited for the auction winners for 45 minutes before leaving the designated meeting spot. Artie laughed that Goblin’s account was suspect, as he’s from the “Ass Napkin camp.”