The reverend vs the “amputee” – The Howard Stern ShowThursday,  November 13, 2008THE REVEREND VS THE “AMPUTEE” The Howard Stern Show for November 13, 2008ROBIN AND BETH HAVE SECRETSHoward started off the show asking Robin how her dinner with Beth went last night. Robin said it was fantastic, and Howard said it must’ve been, as Beth actually enjoyed the vegan food – she ate so much sweet potato gnocchi, she felt fattened.

Howard said Beth wouldn’t tell him about a few of the things that were discussed. Robin seconded Beth’s silence: “That was not for you.” Howard suspected that it had something to do with Mark, Robin’s 25-year-old boyfriend.

JOHN STAMOS IS A GOOD TIMEJohn Stamos stopped by to promote his new Lifetime movie, “The Two Mr. Kissels,” and bragged about running into the beautiful Natalie Portman on a hike the other day. Howard speculated that John was already banging her: “The minute after John meets these girls, he’s banging them.” John said he was a one woman guy these days, adding that his girlfriend, Leah, is a big fan: “She likes you…I have a great picture of her in your shower. I’ll show you. Just her butt. It’s really cute.” John noted that the picture was taken when he and Leah hung with Howard and Beth during their “honeymoon” at their Hamptons home.
Doug Goodstein came in to say his wife was blown away by John’s “aura” at Howard’s wedding, so John apologized: “Sorry, Doug…Give me your wife’s number.” John and Howard talked a little about how some of the wedding guests went outside to smoke pot during the wedding and Howard recalled that the last time he smoked pot, he was with John at Mr. Chow’s in LA: “I didn’t like it. And then what’s-his-name drove the wrong way down the street because the paparazzi were chasing us.” John laughed that “what’s-his-name” was Rick Rubin.
HE’S NOT A DOCTOR, BUT HE PLAYS ONE ON TVJohn took issue with Robin for never thanking him after he donated two personal tours of the “E.R.” set to her Girls Night Out charity, and Robin apologized: “I feel bad.” Howard asked if it was true that John had turned down a spin-off featuring his “E.R.” character, and John said it had been discussed but never developed. Howard wondered if anything had developed between John and Victoria’s Secret model Emma Heming, so John said: “That was fast. That was just a transitional, uh…she’s with Bruce Willis now.”
ERIC THE MOOCH

Howard asked if John had any advice for dudes that wanted to date Victoria’s Secret models, and John joked: “Don’t marry ‘em.” Eric the Midget called in to ask if he could further his acting career with a guest spot on an episode of “E.R.”, so the crew brainstormed possible roles – for instance; an aborted fetus or a parasitic twin. Eric said he’d just like to be a patient, and John promised to put a word in for him.
BOB VS. BOBBITTJohn Wayne Bobbitt stopped by with the Reverend Bob Levy to promote their upcoming boxing match. Howard asked what sparked the beef between them, but Bob explained that he had no problem with John – they were just due to box each other in the “celebrity boxing circuit.” John laughed: “I’m going for the title.” Bob repeated his claim that Danny Bonaduce had hit the back of his skull (an illegal punch) during his last fight: “This is not gonna be like the Danny fight…I’ve lost 25 pounds. I’m having fun.”

John said he was due to fight Joey Buttafuoco back in 2002, but his second wife accused him of domestic violence and he ended up in jail. Howard noted that John had a history of domestic violence: “Are you hitting these women or are they crazy?” John claimed he was not: “They’re just crazy…I [get to] know the wrong kind of people and I get in trouble.” Robin laughed that the show’s staff knew lots of the wrong kind of people: “But we don’t marry them.”
I’LL HAVE A SLURPEE AND MY PENIS BACK, PLZ

Howard praised the police who found John’s penis on the side of the road after his (then) wife, Lorena, cut it off and tossed out of a car window. John explained that it wasn’t great detective work: “They made her tell them specifically where it was…it was kind of across the street from a 7-11.” John said it was a traumatic experience: “I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off.” [As Fred play chicken sound effects] Bob cut in: “Or your cock.” Howard asked how long John went without his penis, and John replied: “Two hours…[afterward] I had to wait and see if the tissue took. It [now] points to the left a little bit. It looks like the Michelin Man [or] Frankenstein.”

Howard handed the guys pens and paper to test their language skills. Both got spelled “ache,” “knife” and “weird” correctly and almost misspelled “rhythm” the exact same way: John wrote “rythem” and Bob jotted “ryhtem.” Howard laughed: “You guys are equally out of it.” Bob admitted they were: “It’s gonna be a good fight.” To prove it, John and Bob each took turns punching a heavy bag.
PLUGGING FOR JESUSStephen Baldwin and Michael Lohan stopped by promote a bunch of random projects. (Howard summed it up nicely: “I don’t know what the racket is here, but I want 10% of it.”) Howard took one look at Stephen and said he must be using steroids: “You’ve blown up…what happened to you?” Stephen said he’d just become “husky.” Howard thought Stephen’s double-chin was a sign of gluttony, and Stephen began to repent: “Gluttony is a sin.”

Howard asked Michael how he reconciled his daughter’s lesbian relationship with his new found religious beliefs, and Michael explained: “I’ve had my conversation with her…we all make mistakes. We all fall short.” Stephen said God was against gays but balked at saying God was then against Lindsay. Michael continued: “If Lindsay’s happy and Samantha’s happy, I’m happy…is there a restraining order? No…I spend a lot of time with all my children.” Howard asked when Michael had last seen Lindsay, and Michael claimed he hung out with her “about a month ago when she was in New York.”

GOD WILL FORGIVE YOU, MASTURBATORSHoward wondered if Stephen believed – like Pastor Manning – that Barack Obama was the Antichrist, but Stephen refused to align himself with the theory. Howard stayed on the attack, asking if the guys masturbated, but both refused to answer. Stephen said it was wrong: “But God will forgive you.” “Jesus” then called in to ask if Stephen brought a Bible, and Stephen said he had. “Jesus” then told Howard, “Do me a favor and bash him over the head with it.” On their way out, Stephen and Michael said a prayer for show.
MIKE WALKER’S GOSSIP GAMEHoward got Mike Walker from The National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play “The Gossip Game,” in which Mike reads four gossip items – three (allegedly) true, one false – and the crew has to guess the fake. Mike then read this week’s stories:
1. Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson loudly fought on a recent flight.
2. America Ferrara was placated on the set of “Ugly Betty” with bright scarf.
3. Paula Abdul is angry that she’ll be sharing her wardrobe budget on “American Idol.”
4. Jennifer Garner refused to let SNL air a hilarious Ben Affleck-as-Guy Ritchie bit.

A Texas pastor is encouraging his congregation to have sex for eight straight days.
Barack Obama might send his daughters to public school in Washington D.C. Gays can now marry in Connecticut.
A failed former “American Idol” auditioner killed herself in front of Paula Abdul’s home.
Sarah Palin is still squawking.
Today is the anniversary of ODB’s death.
T-Pain has apologized for making some anti-Semitic remarks. Neverland is getting a name change. Haley Joel Osmet is all grown up.

HowardTV brought up a feed of Ronnie sleeping in Scott the Engineer’s studio during the show [Ronnie later explained that he had a quadruple root canal yesterday].
Michael Lohan said his recent stint in jail was a positive experience: “I learned a lot of patience.”
Howard noted that Artie’s book is selling well on Amazon.
Shuli reported that Dan the Song Parody Man is fresh out of jail – he was picked up for an outstanding traffic ticket.
Howard felt bad for Adam Sandler after hearing that his bulldog died.
John Wayne Bobbitt said Lorena Bobbitt cut his penis off with a 12″ filet knife.
Howard played John Stamos’ “Lullaby.” John Stamos told Howard that Mary-Kate Olsen was a big fan of the show.
Howard played a few clips of Artie’s Letterman appearance.

Thursday’s Show