Date posted: June 30, 2008

The sybian always wins - The Howard Stern Show Thursday, June 26, 2008THE SYBIAN ALWAYS WINS The Howard Stern Show for June 26, 2008ARTIE’S BACK…DANA’S NOTArtie started off the show taking on everyone’s concerns about the reason behind his absence yesterday, even saying he’d submit to a drug test. Howard didn’t think that was necessary, but Robin sarcastically laughed that she totally believed Artie’s “attack AC unit” story. Artie said he’d managed to recover from his AC-induced illness with a some antibiotics but quickly shot it all to hell after a friend told him that Dana was dating again: “It wrecked me. I was devastated.”A LANGE-LESS DANA MOVES ONArtie said he was so upset by the news of Dana’s new man, he ended up yelling at the person who told him about it, finishing off a half-empty bottle of Jack and then putting a decent-sized dent in bottle of Johnny Walker Blue. Artie added that he was particularly distressed by his mental image of Dana’s new guy: “There’s just no way I’m a better catch…unless he’s an obese heroin addict.” Artie continued to beat himself up and, looking back at what he’d lost, sadly regretted that Dana had a “tight little body with a beautiful ass – and that was mine.”

Robin told Artie that he couldn’t expect Dana to keep her hot body on the shelf forever, and the Artie agreed: “Maybe I’m still in love…The only positive is that I probably make more money than the guy. Can you imagine if I didn’t have that?” Howard then asked if Artie thought Dana was sleeping with her new guy, which only further upset him: “I don’t know! It’s all bad!”KING OF ALL BLACK NIGHT STALKERSKing of all Blacks called in to make fun of Artie for having a window-mounted AC unit instead of central air - but somehow ended up talking about his need to assault his sleeping wife’s feet: “You smell ‘em very gently and then, you know, you get hard and you rub yourself against ‘em.” Howard wondered if King’s wife ever woke up during the creepy foot-rub, and King admitted that she did every once in a while: “She’ll be like, ‘Hurry up, asshole.’” WILL THE O’CONNELLS GET AN INVITE?Gary brought in the latest essay applications for a Stern-Ostrosky wedding invite, and Howard went to Jerry O’Connell’s first. Jerry’s essay was actually a list of 17 reasons why he and his wife (Rebecca Romijn) should be invited, like how his incredible hand-eye coordination could help stop any Artie-

tossed soda cans from hitting their intended targets. A caller wondered if John “sure-to-be-invited” Stamos would be upset by Jerry and Rebecca’s presence, but Howard didn’t think so: “John bangs so many chicks, I can’t see him caring much…I’ll ask him.”

Howard then read a sincere and heartfelt essay from Kevin Kraft, but it failed to win Howard over: “That’s not gonna do it.” Inspired by Kevin’s quick transition from completely unknown to well-known staff member, Gary speculated that the in-studio crew couldn’t name most of the staff. Howard and Robin disputed the claim, so Gary brought in two random staffers. True to form, Howard and Robin couldn’t name the poor guys – each of whom were 3-year employees at HowardTV.ONE LEAD GUITAR PLEASEAdam Carolla called in to promote the DVD release of his film, “The Hammer,” and Howard immediately asked him what he gets paid for his radio show. Artie noted that an office rumor placed Adam’s salary at $7 million, which couldn’t be far off: he’d been offered $5 million a year to take the gig before it was offered to Adam. Adam replied that he wasn’t getting $7 million - but didn’t elaborate. Adam would only say that “Television [executives] are evil and smart. Radio guys are evil and stupid.”

Howard asked Adam why he refused to do his show until Danny Bonaduce (Adam’s former co-host) was fired, so Adam explained: “I thought Danny was fine in the studio, but the guy’s a lead guitar player and so am I…I couldn’t handle it, but they wouldn’t listen to me.” Howard also wondered how Adam felt about his appearance on “Dancing with the Stars,” and Adam described how the practice schedule really messed up his sleep cycle.SMALL, DARK AND JEWISHHoward brought in Ronnie the Limo Driver so Artie could see his freshly dyed facial hair, and Artie reacted appropriately: “That’s disturbing…a little.” Ronnie said he didn’t mean to dye it so dark this time – it just came out that way. Artie said it actually looked good – and, as Ronnie was leaving the studio, began laughing at the commotion Ronnie’s “Just for Men’d” goatee was causing in the halls: “It’s crazy out there.”

FRED WINS!! FRED WINS!!Fred won with a score of 6 right in just 48 seconds, so Howard raised Dani’s curtain. Howard was very happy with the view: “Whoa! Honey, you look good!” Artie was

similarly impressed, telling Jon, “You’re dumb as a rock but you got a hot wife!” Artie even wondered if Jon might be open to wife-sharing, and Jon explained that he might be: the couple have an agreement where anything is allowed so long as the other gives permission. Artie was suspicious: “I got a feeling she wouldn’t waste [the permission] on me.” NEVER SAY NEVERAfter a little convincing, Dani hopped on the Sybian: “For you, Howard, I’ll do it…I’m a horseback

rider so this actually feels a little natural.” Dani didn’t think she would be able to climax: “It feels really good, but I don’t know…” After Gary turned the Sybian

up to 90%, Dani’s legs started to shake: “I don’t think it’s gonna go all the way…” Howard then shut

up and let the Sybian do its thing. After a good two minutes of buzzing at 100%, Dani did what she didn’t think she could and demanded that Gary turn it off: “I’m all sweaty now. I can’t stand up. My legs are gone. It’s amazing. Can I have one?” MIKE WALKER’S GOSSIP GAMEHoward got Mike Walker of The National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play “The Gossip Game,” in which Mike reads four gossip items – three (allegedly) true, one false – and the crew has to guess the fake. Mike then read this week’s stories:

1. The Jonas Brothers escaped rabid fans by donning Disney costumes.

2. Jennifer Aniston is smoking again.

3. George Clooney ditched his ex-girlfriend after she tried to cut back the tips he gives his help.

4. A disheveled Al Pacino was mistaken for a bum at a luxury hotel.

Howard and Robin thought the Clooney item was suspicious, Artie went with the Pacino story, and Fred claimed to have heard a strange note in Mike’s voice when he read the first item. Mike then confirmed Fred’s suspicions, giving the manic Martian his second victory of the day.

• An autistic kid and his mother got kicked off a plane.

• Spray-on condoms are on the way.

• Lara Logan is embroiled in a sex scandal.

• The Brooklyn waterfalls start flowing today.

• Barack Obama has released a list of his iPod’s contents.

• McCain says he won’t leave Iraq until “we win.”

• The Supreme Court has rejected the death penalty in cases of child rape.

• Louisiana will now chemically castrate child rapists.

• Shaq has been stripped of his honorary police badges in two states.

• A teacher’s aide groped cheerleaders in games of lights-out tag.

• Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are denying rumors that they’re divorcing.

• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have donated a million dollars to Iraqi children.

• Newport Beach residents are being harassed by a serial break-and-dancer.

• A Kentucky factory worker killed his co-workers.

• Ben Affleck is going to Africa.Brian Koppelman called in.
Jeff the Drunk called in to wish Artie and Gary luck in Iraq.

Howard played a couple songs by Zs.

Howard played a clip of Queens of the Stone Age’s Josh Homme making fun of an audience member.

Artie referenced “Fargo.”
Lisa G reported that Anthony Bozza is currently finishing up Artie’s new book.

Howard and Artie rocked out to the new Motley Crue single
Howard remarked that Steve Gutenberg is still reluctant to publicly discuss his discontent with “Dancing with the Stars.”

Howard noted that Charlize Theron looked amazing on Letterman the other night.

Howard said Mini-Me’s sex tape might be “the best sex tape ever.”Thursday’s Show