There can be peace on earth – The Howard Stern ShowThursday,  November 20, 2008THERE CAN BE PEACE ON EARTH The Howard Stern Show for November 20, 2008THE MOST DISTURBED STAFFER AWARD Howard started off the show wondering which of the in-studio crew was the most disturbed, leading Robin to say, “I’m beginning to think I should part from this group because I’m so well.” Fred shot back, “The moment you say something like that, you take 16 steps back…Artie, this is where they can’t attack each other so the vortex comes this way.” laughed, “Oh, I know.”

After some debate, Howard decided that “The most normal is Gary, then Fred is more normal than Robin and Robin is more normal than Artie.” Gary asked Howard where he ranked himself, and Howard conceded: “The most disturbed person is me, but Artie is in the most trouble.”

NOW THAT’S A HEROEric the Midget called in to see if Natalie Maines had sent in an apology yet, but Howard reported that she had done something even better: she emailed last night to offer Eric a role on her husband’s show, “Heroes,” as a superhero who flies – with balloons. Artie joked: “Or a superhero who thinks whores love him.”
Howard and Fred wondered if Eric’s desire to buttf’ the opinions out of Natalie was some kind of bizarre rape fantasy, so Eric reported that Johnny Fratto has promised to commission a Natalie Maines Real Doll so he could do whatever he’d like to her.
JD & JARED PASS THE TESTJD and Jared came in at 7 o’clock to show that they were still handcuffed together. JD said he’d softened on Jared in their 24 hours together: “I don’t love him…this is a bonding type thing, so you know…I don’t know if all my thoughts about him [were] untrue, but [I changed my opinion] prolly about mid-afternoon yesterday.” JD added that he was still tentative: “I guess but of course there’s the little part of me that says he could have been acting the whole time.”

Howard asked the guys if they had shat since being cuffed, but both announced they were able to hold out. Jared said he’d peed four or five times – but JD had not even done that in the past 24 hours, as he hasn’t had anything to eat or drink since the start of the contest.
LET’S SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHERHoward laughed that the guys slept in the green room last night, and Jared said it was tortuous. JD had gone out like a light, leaving Jared to lie there on the floor, in the dark and deal with High Pitch Mike, who came in every hour to take the pair’s picture.
JD said he was closest to bailing at around the 12 hour mark, but his bond with Jared helped him through it: “I can be a little more nicer to him or I should be or whatever.” Jared said JD “puts up this wall so no one can connect with him emotionally…he opened up to me…and I got to hear him on the phone with his brother.”
Jared had only one complaint: in 24 hours, JD didn’t wash his hands once. Gary then unlocked the cuffs and Howard presented the happy couple with $4650 each – $100 for every hour, the $1,000 24-hour bonus, an additional $1,000 24-bonus courtesy of Dominic Barbara and $250 from Artie, who split the $500 he won betting with Robin on the contest.LISA G REFUSES TO TAKE A LIE DETECTOR TESTHoward noted that Ed Torian was in the building to administer lie detector tests and asked Lisa G if she’d consent to one. Lisa refused, so Howard tried a different tack and gave her all the questions beforehand:
1. Are you in love with Howard?
2. Would you ever take money for sex?

The Bunny Ranch’s Brooke Taylor stopped by with Michael, the listener who won her services in the Big Loser Contest, to discuss their evening together. Michael said he was a virgin before meeting Brooke, and Brooke cut in to laugh that Michael actually called his mom before they got down to business. Michael confessed that he asked to be called the n-word during their session: “I told her to say, ‘Bang me like we’re on the plantation.’”

Brooke said Michael was one creepy dude: “The reason this man is a virgin? He didn’t want to have sex with us. He has an oral fixation. He wanted to suck our toes.” Michael confirmed the story, saying he couldn’t really perform sexually because he’d been so excited beforehand that he had to jerk off: “All over my sister’s computer. I know she’s listening and I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have jerked off. I got impatient.” Brooke added that all Michael wanted to do was trade oral sex acts.

Michael noted that another Bunny Rancher named Air Force Amy joined them in the bedroom, and, like Eric the Midget, he became so attached to the girls that he now cries at night.

Howard wanted a unifying theory about Michael’s strange behavior, so Robin offered: “He’s been masturbating his entire life and not even his masturbation is normal. He just sat there and said he can masturbate for 3 or 4 hours and not finish. He’s not gay. He’s a freak. He’s a freak of the first order.”

JON HEIN IS A MASTURBATING LIAR…OR NOTEd Torian came in to administer lie detector tests to the staff and started with Jon Hein, asking him: Do you presently masturbate? “No.” [Truth!] Did you really receive over 30 blowjobs from 30 different women? “Yes.” [Lie!] Have you masturbated in the last three years? “Yes.” [Truth!] Have you masturbated in the last year? “No.” [Truth!] Jon then explained that he has beat it sometime in the last few years, he just couldn’t remember when, but Howard was sure that Jon had said he hadn’t done the deed since getting married.
HIGH PITCH MIKE IS A GAY VIRGIN…OR NOTAfter putting up a valiant struggle to get out of it, High Pitch Mike eventually sat down with Ed to definitively answer the “Are you gay?” question and said he was not.

Mike remarked that he really didn’t want to go through with the test: “You guys already have a perception of me.” Ed then set in with the questions: Are you a homosexual? “No.” [Lie!] Have you ever received a big cock in your ass? “No.” [Truth!] Are you a virgin? “No.” [Lie!] Do you hate? “Yes.” [Truth!] Do you hope Artie dies? “No.” [Truth!]
RICHARD BELZER IS ALSO A LIAR…OR NOTRichard Belzer came in to defend his decision to cancel his hosting duties at a North Shore Animal League function at the last minute, saying, “I was sick all day. I was puking and shitting blood…you think I’m making this up?” Howard said he thought Belz was being truthful: “This was the most heinous of crimes…I know when I get sick, if I’m sick that morning, I would call.” However, Belzer said he kept hoping he would be able to rally and make it to the event, but eventually realized this wouldn’t happen and was forced to cancel an hour before he was supposed to be there.

Richard insisted he wasn’t being dishonest and went into the green room to take Ed Torian’s lie detector test: Were you sick the night of the North Shore Animal League charity event? “Yes.” Were you too sick to perform that night? “Yes.” Were you bleeding from your ass? “Yes.” Did you know that morning that you were too sick? “No.” Did you call 15 minutes before? “No.” Ed then came in to say every one of Belz’ answers was a lie.

Belz was pissed: “I want to go to break…I can’t talk about it on the air. We gotta go to break. Can we go to break, please?” Howard refused: “No. I don’t want to talk to you during the break…you’re gonna guilt me…This is gonna be awful. I don’t want any reality…it’s gonna be something personal and I don’t want to know it. I’ll pay you a thousand dollars not to talk to me off the air…you’re gonna tell me something terrible.” Belz challenged Howard: “Go to break and find out, Jew.”

MIKE WALKER’S GOSSIP GAMEHoward got Mike Walker from the National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play “The Gossip Game,” in which Mike reads four gossip items – three (allegedly) true, one false – and the crew has to pick the fake. Mike then read this week’s stories:
1. Miley Cyrus got upset after hearing that one of the “Twilight” stars insulted the acting abilities of Disney’s teen stars and vowed to get even.

A pool table that Obama once played on is going for big money on Ebay.
A flight attendant helped land a trans-Atlantic flight. Paris Hilton has broken up with Benji Madden.
Hugh Jackman is the sexiest man alive.
The 8-year-old double murderer has confessed.
There is a cure for Wolfboy.
Today is the Great American Smoke Out. Al Qaeda has called Obama a “house negro.” A Kansas church has denounced Obama’s victory as a sin against God. A South Florida youth swimming coach has been arrested on kiddie porn charges.
Howard asked Artie if, as a literary success, he now ate at Elaine’s.
Howard played a hilarious clip of High Pitch Mike interviewing Jared while he was handcuffed to a sleeping JD.
Steve Langford reported that High Pitch Erik might have committed perjury.
Fred played John Lennon’s “Cold Turkey.”
Artie referenced “Angels with Dirty Faces.”
Robin mentioned Pam Anderson’s open letter to Obama.
Lisa G reported that Artie’s book will debut at #1 on the New York Times bestseller list.
Thursday’s Show