This loser is a winner – The Howard Stern ShowWednesday,  September 17, 2008THIS LOSER IS A WINNER The Howard Stern Show for September 17, 2008THE NAME WE DO NOT SPEAK Artie started off the show complaining that Crumbs hadn’t delivered any cupcakes today, so Gary explained that Ross Zapin had canceled the Crumbs order after Steve Langford busted him for picking toppings off and leaving the cupcakes behind. Howard demanded payback: “Ross is not allowed in the compound ever again…

Nothing bad was said about that guy except that he stuck his finger in our cupcakes.” Howard told Ronnie to take away Ross’ bathroom privileges and make sure that Ross’ Stern-compound access card be revoked: “From now on Ross will be referred to as ‘The Name We Do Not Speak.’”

Robin asked if Howard would still be friends with The Name We Do Not Speak off-air, and Howard said, “Of course. Sure. This is a business thing. Like at home, I call Gary, Gary. But here he’s Fa-Fa Fo-Hi.” Later, the Name We Do Not Speak came in to apologize to “all you fat f’s” and claimed he only canceled the cupcake order for this week – they’ll be back next week: “I was pissed at the news department.” Robin said The Name We Do Not Speak has a history of baked goods-related treachery – he also cheated at Lisa G’s cookie party/contest.
ERIC THE MIDGET HAS A SURPRISE FOR YOU Eric the Midget called in to tell Artie that he’d be attending his show in San Francisco on Friday and would be bringing some things for Artie to take back to New York for the crew. Howard wanted to know what Eric would be bringing, but Eric didn’t want to “ruin the surprise.” Under further pressure, Eric eventually confessed that he was signing an 8×10 glossy for each member of the on-air crew. Everyone was overcome with excitement.

GARY’S EAT-CANDY-ALL-MORNING DIET Lisa G reported that Gary has been replacing his dinners with protein shakes in an effort to lose weight, and Gary confirmed the story. Howard said Gary’s had such a hard time with his weight that he won’t go get fitted for the custom suit Howard gave him for his birthday. Gary then confessed that he has been fitted for the suit and plans on picking it up tomorrow: “The guy said if I lose weight he can take it in and if I gain weight he can let it out.”

Gary added that he’s given up caffeine and will soon be on a “cleanse”-type diet, so Howard told him to watch himself: “Your lips blew up…why are you bothering dieting?” Gary said the “cleanse” wasn’t like one of Robin’s juice diets, just a diet without caffeine, sugar or alcohol. Gary reported that the caffeine and alcohol parts were easy to cut out, but he’s been eating candy all morning.
RALPH’S TOAST Howard noted that, in addition to Artie, he’s asked Ralph to give a toast at his wedding, and though he originally agreed to do it, Ralph has been getting cold feet lately. Ralph called in to say he gets more nervous every day. Howard told Ralph that the toast shouldn’t be funny: “Just speak from the heart, dude…and not that neurotic shit about me stealing [Beth] from you. Because that makes you sound insane. She thought you were a nice gay man.” When Ralph complained about having to speak in front of everyone, Howard pointed out that he had no problem talking on the radio every day – so Ralph asked if he could phone his toast in.

ARTIE FALLS OFF THE WAGON

Artie confessed that he had a drink of tequila the other night, “but just a few sips.” Howard asked Artie if he’d told his therapist about the sip-slip, and Artie admitted that he had not: “I don’t want to deal with it.” Robin told Artie he wasn’t really in therapy if he wasn’t being honest with his therapist, but Artie said his therapist would be really disappointed: “He has friends who listen to the show…now it’s gonna be awkward.”
THE BIG LOSER CONTEST Howard welcomed Pete Best, Brian Dunkleman and Scott the Engineer to judge the “Howard Stern’s Big Loser” contest. Howard asked Pete how he met and joined the Beatles, so Pete explained that he and Paul McCartney were friends in school. Fred speculated that Pete was kicked out of the Beatles for being more attractive than John and Paul, and Pete laughed, “If people want to believe that, I won’t tell them otherwise.”

Howard then turned to Brian, who joked that he wasn’t too different than Pete, as he was kicked off “American Idol” because “I was getting more cock than Seacrest.” Mean while, Scott wanted to point out that he did not quit the show’s band, “The Loser’s,” he was kicked out. Howard then told Pete, Brian and Scott that they would be picking the biggest loser from a pool of three creepy listeners, and the most pathetic loser will get the chance to “date” Brooke Taylor, one of the whores from Dennis Hof’s Bunny Ranch.
MEET YOUR WHORE PRIZE Brooke Taylor came in and answered the usual questions: she bangs two or three guys a day, got into the business after seeing HBO’s “Cathouse,” has had threesomes with both mother-daughter and father-son pairs, and was willing to keep anal “on the table” for the winner of today’s contest. Howard introduced Brooke to the contestants – Ass-Napkin Ed, Hanzi, and Michael, a 34-year-old virgin – and she tried to motivate them with a glimpse of her ass. Howard then asked the sad sacks to plead their cases.

THE CONTESTANTS’ SOB STORIES Michael said he’s blind in one eye due to glaucoma, has never so much as kissed a girl and is unemployed. Artie said Michael’s story wasn’t that sad, as there’s an upside to glaucoma: “Free weed!” Howard asked Michael why he didn’t work, so Michael explained that he used to be a security guard but quit after realizing that no woman wants to be with a security guard. Now, instead of working, Michael lives at home with his mom, where he masturbates a lot and collects action figures.

THE CREEP SHOW CONTINUES Artie called the next contestant, Hanzi, “a little Pakistani cherub,” and laughed maniacally at his appearance. Hanzi told the crew that he broke up with his last girlfriend (two years ago) “because her pussy stunk or whatever.” Hanzi said he briefly went to school to study “business” and now spends most of his time smoking pot. Robin asked why Hanzi had such a hard time with women, but Artie answered for him: “Robin, you can see him, can’t you?”
Howard then turned to Ass-Napkin Ed and asked him why he was wearing a helmet. Ed mumbled something about it being a Harley helmet – and then explained to Brooke that he was called “Ass-Napkin Ed” because he keeps tissues in the crack of his leaky ass. Ed added that he keeps two buckets in his boarding house bedroom so he won’t have to leave to poo – and uses scented candles to cover the smell.
MISS HOWARDTV OCTOBER

Howard welcomed Alexis, October’s Miss HowardTV, to the studio and asked her about herself. Alexis said she was a dental student, scored 1200 on her SATs, and currently had a boyfriend (Artie’s reply: “See ya later!”). Alexis added that her gynecologist father invented a vaginal cream called Vibrano, which increases blood flow to the clitoris, thus enhancing a woman’s ability to have an orgasm. However, she denied having had anything what so ever to do with her father’s products. Howard the played one of Alexis’ songs, but the crew didn’t like it as much as her burp-on-command abilities.
HERE HE IS…THE BIG LOSER Pete voted for Ass-Napkin Ed, as Ed’s story put tears in his eyes. Brian picked Michael, because he was still a virgin. Scott the Engineer then registered the winning vote for Michael, also citing his virginity as the deciding factor. Howard then presented the losing contestants with $500 each and wished Michael and Brooke the best of luck.
WHO BLEW HIGH PITCH?

High Pitch Erik called in with a woman who had just blown him. Howard asked the woman if it was disgusting, but she said it was ok. The woman claimed she’d earned $40 for the deed and still had “teeth in [her] head.” Howard wondered if Erik finished on her face, but she pretended not to remember. The woman added that everyone confuses her with Whoopi Goldberg – but she refused to come to the studio: “I don’t want publicity.”

IT’S TIME FOR ROBIN’S NEWS

Mariann from Brooklyn stopped by to celebrate her birthday.

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