Thursday,  December 18, 2008TAKE THIS GIFT TO YOUR GRAVE The Howard Stern Show for December 18, 2008THE HOWARD STERN LOAN RELIEF PROGRAMHoward started off the show with the Secret Santa gift exchange and presented Ken the Intern with a check to cover a major portion of his outstanding his student loans. Ted Summer from HowardTV then came in to give Howard his gift, but before he did he promised to be gracious no matter what it was. Gary then piped into ask if he really meant that and reported that the guys in the back office were betting that it would take about 30 seconds for him to start trashing his gift. Ted then unveiled his gift: a 350lb black marble gravestone. Howard was shocked: “Wow. Isn’t that nice? I promised to be gracious. Thank you, Ted.”

After struggling to say nice things for a bit, Howard added, “I can’t contain myself. Ted, that is the shittiest gift I’ve ever received in my entire life.” Gary came in to say the creepiest part was the open date – the headstone was engraved with a portion that read “1954 – ____,” along with a picture of Howard and the Howard Fist logo. Ted added that he had struck a deal with the monument company to fill in the final part when the time comes…and handed Howard the guys card. Howard agreed that the gift was a bummer: “Way to suck up to your boss.” Ted laughed that it could be used as a [350lbs.] doorstopper, and Doug Goodstein from HowardTV came in to suggest that they smash it with a sledgehammer. Howard didn’t like the ideas anymore than the gift: “It’s creepy.”WHAT’S IN A NAME?Benjy’s gift to Fred was a bunch of domain names, including:
jokejokeland.com,
dirtyfilthywhorecookies
forthesusanbkomenfoundation.com
and lisagsprettypinkpussy.com.
Benjy explained that he’d bought them all in hopes that Fred would develop a Web presence for himself.

Artie presented a HowardTV staffer with a $500 gift certificate to the Yankees store and four tickets to any Yankees home game: “Anything but the playoffs.” Robin noted that she’d been given a gift certificate to Pure Food & Wine and gave Keith from HowardTV a Best Buy gift card for $1500. Artie scoffed: “Technically mine’s worth more.”

WILL JAY RETURN TO THE COMIC CIRCUIT?

Jay Thomas stopped by to promote his show on Sirius XM Stars Too 108 and told Howard that a lot of comedians he talked to on his show had endured rough (or at least odd) childhoods. Jay added that he had to introduce Shuli at Caroline’s tonight: “And I don’t have an act!” Howard thought Jay would do well, as he gave a killer toast at their (shared) agent’s birthday party. Jay replied: “If I do well, I’m gonna be a stand-up comedian again.”
Howard asked after Jay’s family, so Jay laughed that one of his sons has become a crack shot: “He said to us recently, ‘I don’t want to go to college. I want to become a gunsmith. It’s all I think about all day.’” Jay laughed that his other son is an amateur prank caller – the kid recently called an old lady as a terrorist and made a mock-bomb threat, eliciting a near-raid on Jay’s home by the local SWAT team: “The sheriff’s department were really good to us.”

GARY’S INNER PRIMATE ON CANVAS

Jay said that Gary was being an asshole about the gifts he brought for the staff, so Gary came in to say that the gifts – a set of paintings – were stupid. Jay replied: “They’re supposed to be what everyone’s thinking when they’re off [air].” Gary was miffed: “Am I supposed to happy that I’m wearing a monkey suit?” Howard laughed that Robin had been painted with horses, Fred in front of a Martian background, Artie as he was sitting down to a feast – and Gary was surrounded by a primate family.

ERIC THE DEHYDRATED MIDGET

Eric the Midget called in to report that he had to go to the ER on Tuesday because of severe flu symptoms, like dehydration. Johnny Fratto also called in to say Eric nearly died: “He had a fast heartbeat and couldn’t breathe. Howard, this motherf’er drinks Coca-Cola and eats macaroni and cheese all day…tell him how important it is to drink water.” Robin told Eric to take better care of himself, but Eric claimed he was already on it: “I’ve got a cup of water next to me right now.” Eric added that his recent health issues also prevented him from visiting his favorite place in the world – The Bunny Ranch.

Howard said he walked in on a half-nude Beth as she was getting ready to go out last night, which totally turned him on, but she spurned his advances: “She was just in her panties…she was like, ‘Nononono’…she was a little crazier when I met her.” Bobo then called to ask if Beth would let Howard bang her on a private jet, but Howard doubted it, as the stewardesses could come in at any moment to check on them.

Robin told Howard to try telling the flight crew that he and Beth needed some “uninterrupted rest,” so Howard called Beth up to propose the idea. Beth resisted: “I would love to do that, I’ve always fantasized about that, but there’s the stewardess that flies with us.” Howard explained that they could just ask for “uninterrupted rest,” and Beth was receptive, adding that she also fantasizes about having sex outside: “But I know that with marrying you, it’s never gonna happen.”

DOMINIC BARBARA IS ANNOYINGHoward complained that Dominic Barbara and his (soon to be ex-) wife keep calling him and trying to get him to take a side in their divorce: “Let me explain to you and your wife: No one cares!” Gary came in to confirm the story, saying Dominic recently called him about something else, and when Gary remarked that he’d just spoken with his ex-wife, Dominic wanted to know all about it. Dominic denied the story but added that he and his ex were contractually obligated not to discuss the divorce, so he was curious to hear if she’d violated the agreement.

DARREN ARONOFSKY LOVES DARK PLACES

Darren Aronofsky called in to promote his latest film, “The Wrestler,” and Howard told him it was one of the best films of the year. Darren thanked Howard and said he never knew he’d be a filmmaker: “I didn’t touch a camera until I was in college.” Howard wondered how Darren broke into Hollywood, so Darren explained that he managed to make his first feature, “Pi,” for less than $60,000 – and it went on to make 8 figures worldwide.
Howard asked Darren if he slept with Jennifer Connelly (the star of Darren’s second film, “Requiem for a Dream”), but Darren refused to answer: “I can’t cross that line…I wish I could tell you.” Artie referenced one of Jennifer’s most infamous scenes in the film, and Darren explained that it took all night to shoot: “When we were done, my DP turned to me and said, ‘That’s the most f’ed up thing we’ve ever done.’” Adding that Jennifer almost backed out until Darren explained how the film had to go into “the darkest places” in order to be successful.ARONOFSKY’S BUSY CASTING COUCHRobin admitted she wasn’t a fan of Darren’s third film, “The Fountain,” and Darren replied that it was the work he’s most proud of: “It’s worth a second viewing, Robin.” Howard then told the story behind Mickey Rourke’s casting in “The Wrestler,” and Darren said he could have had a $19 million budget with Nicholas Cage or a $6 million one with Mickey: “I was just very straight with [Mickey]. I said, ‘I’m doing with this for you.’”

Ham Hands Bill called in to tell a story about filming himself having sex, saying he took a Viagra, dressed up as Batman and handcuffed himself to the bed. His girlfriend also dressed up (as Catwoman) and banged him for nearly six hours, roleplaying the entire time: “Like pornos do, you know?” Artie laughed: “Yeah, we know.” Bill said his girlfriend started to complain after a while, leading Howard to joke, “Sure. Somewhere in hour 5?”

A South Korean actress has been convicted for committing adulteryThe God Hates Fags people are protesting again. Multi-millionaires with mistresses are cutting back on Christmas gifts. The economy’s hurting the plastic surgery businessAn Ecuadorian immigrant was beaten to death in Queens because he was gayA former UFC fighter has been found deadScott Ruffalo’s death is still being investigatedHugh Hefner’s sons want to make Playboy edgierEveryone wants to take credit for the shoe attack on President Bush. Caroline Kennedy is campaigningBoth Manning brothers will be in the Pro BowlSimon Cowell is denying allegations that “American Idol” exploited Paula Abdul’s stalker

Dennis Hof from the Bunny Ranch called in to complain that Eric the Midget didn’t show for his date with Sunny Lane.
Howard told a story about seeing Artie’s hot sister at a Norm MacDonald show
Robin said Rachel Weisz love scene with Jude Law in “Enemy at the Gates” was one of the best ever.
Darren said he was currently working on the script for the “Robocop” remake.
Darren Aronofsky said Marisa Tomei didn’t use a body double for her nude scenes in “The Wrestler.”
Howard referenced the band Television.
JD gave Artie a gift he actually wanted: a DVD collection of Ken Burns’ baseball miniseries.
Howard played Amanda Palmer’s cover of Radiohead’s “Creep.”
Howard said Beth enjoyed “Marley and Me” – except for Jennifer Aniston’s performance
Thursday’s Show