Thursday,  February 5, 2009OFFICER BEETLE The Howard Stern Show for February 5, 2009ARTIE ALWAYS TELLS THE TRUTH…EVENTUALLY Howard opened the show noting that the guys on the Wrap Up Show questioned the truth behind the story Artie told late yesterday about paying some kid $500 for clean urine. This set Artie off: “Oh Gary wants brutal honesty?…God knows why you’re here, you f’ing asswipe.” Artie claimed, “You always get the truth out of me…Eventually.”
Gary wasn’t surprised by Artie’s reaction: “I knew this day would come. Artie will eventually turn on everyone here.” Artie also took a couple swipes at Will, so Will came in to defend himself: “I don’t think it’s that ridiculous to say you lied yesterday. Your track record isn’t that great.” Artie angrily turned his attention back to Gary and repeatedly mocked his role on the Wrap Up Show: “I can’t wait to hear about how you booked Richard Lewis in 1986.”THE ARGUMENT PHASE ESCALATES, DIESGary responded to Artie attacks in kind: “You are literally dead to me so far as the Wrap Up Show goes…Don’t f’ing talk to me….This is the real Artie. This is who Artie really is.” Howard speculated that Gary was so upset with Artie because he loved him so much. Artie admitted the feelings went both ways: “It hurts more with Gary.”

Artie added his half-truths were usually innocent: “That’s life! You lie about shit! Have I embellished stories to make them funnier? Yeah. But I didn’t lie about buying piss.” Howard shrugged and confessed that he was disappointed to find himself in the post-fight analysis phase: “I liked the argument phase.”

THE STAFF PLANS FOR HOWARD’S RETIREMENT

Continuing a discussion from yesterday, Gary asked Howard what his options were after his Sirius contract was up, so Howard explained: “First of all, if satellite radio wants me back, I’d think about it. I know terrestrial radio wants me back, but I don’t see going back to that.” Gary wondered what Robin would do if Howard retired, so Robin claimed she’d try another show: “I don’t feel like quitting.” Gary was happy: “I could possibly get an interview to produce The Robin Quivers Show.”

BEETLEJUICE IS NOW A COP

Beetlejuice stopped by to plug his upcoming comedy gigs and told the crew he “could be” pursuing a career in law enforcement: “I just hafta do what I gotta do.” Artie asked if Beet was NYPD or a “Bobby” from London, but Beetle laughed it off: “Ain’t got nothing to do with Bobby.” Howard asked if Beet could pass the drug test, and Beet thought so: “I been passin’ drug tests since a long time ago…I could pass the test anytime.”
Robin asked if Beet could ever shoot someone, and Beet said it was no big deal: “I shot somebody before, yeah.” Artie said he didn’t know they allowed gay police officers, which pissed Beet off: “I ain’t no faggot. You a faggot…I’m telling you like a man that you like a man right now.” Howard asked Beet how he felt about gay marriage, so Beet revealed that he hated it: “I don’t kiss people with gay marriage and all that shit. That’s a gay problem. Let them deal with that.”BEETLE JUICE ON ARTIE LANGE“Who would have children with that fat f’?”

BEET ON OBAMA, PACKAGES

When asked about our new president, Beet went off: “I’m a black man but I ain’t voting for nobody else…he’s a gay f’er! Who cares about Obama? The man’s a f’ing weirdo.” Robin wondered how Beet felt about Obama’s economic stimulus package, but Beet didn’t seem to understand: “Do I look like I wanted to be a package? Who wants to be a package?

THE LAST ROUNDS OF THE BRITNEY STEVENS GAME

Howard gave a couple callers a shot at $500 if they could successfully make it through a round of The Britney Stevens Game. Howard explained that Sal asked the lisping porn star a series of questions, and if the callers could correctly guess which ones she got right, they’ll win the cash. Howard said the callers must get three out of five to take the prize and started in with the clips:
Who invented the lightbulb? The first contestant, Zig correctly predicted that Britney would blow it: “Albert Einstein?”
Name your five senses. Zig continued to doubt Britney’s knowledge and was proved right when she missed hearing: “Smell, taste, touch, feel, see.”
Who wrote ‘Mein Kampf’? Zig won by guessing Britney would fail again: “God? I don’t know.”BOBO: DUMB AS A ROCKHoward then let Bobo take a shot at the game, but first he asked Howard if he and Beth ever role-played in the bedroom. Howard said Beth once wore a schoolgirl outfit while they were vacationing in Vermont: “I was like, ‘Wow! This is great! But she hasn’t done it since…and I realized Beth is a really hot chick. She doesn’t need to roleplay.” Artie agreed, saying: “You don’t need something to make you come faster!”
Back to the game, Bobo scored a point guessing that Britney would at least know how many states there were. However, when he heard the next question, “What vegetable are pickles made from?” Bobo was forced to admit he didn’t even know the answer himself. To make matters worse, Britney knew that pickles are made from cucumbers.OPIE & RICHIE AVOID THE TRAINWRECKRon Howard called in to thank Howard for recommending “Frost/Nixon,” so Howard laughed that at first, he thought it was a stupid idea for a movie – it took a screening to change his mind. Ron said he had the same reaction before seeing it on stage. Howard also congratulated Ron for not following 90% of the other child stars in becoming just another trainwreck, but Ron confessed that he may have had some help: “Thank god there wasn’t TMZ [back then].”
Ron noted that he spent so much time directing and producing – his next project is “Angels & Demons,” a Tom Hanks vehicle – that he had little time for hobbies or home time. Howard and Robin wondered how he started his busy career, so Ron explained how infamous B-movie director Roger Corman wanted him to act in a film, and instead of agreeing to the original terms, he negotiated a deal to act in exchange for the privilege to direct “Grand Theft Auto.”RON ON CHRISTIAN BALE’S BLOW-UPHoward asked Ron what he’d heard about Christian Bale’s on-set meltdown (Ron’s daughter, Bryce Dallas Howard, was acting opposite Christian at the time of the incident), so Ron explained that it was not Christian’s nature to blow up: “But it’s intense on a set.” Ron said the whole crew got back to work on the film the next day, and according to Bryce, the finished product is “fantastic.” GREG FITZSIMMONS STOPPED CARINGGreg Fitzsimmons stopped by to promote his show (Monday nights at 12pm ET on Howard101) and told the crew that he recently had the extreme porn star, Belladonna on his show. Greg explained that he does from his house, and revealed that Belladonna ended up naked in his backyard hot tub: “To me porn stars so fascinating, I don’t even get aroused.” Howard thought that might be due to Greg’s anti-depressants, and Greg admitted Howard might be right: “[I] just don’t care about anything…what’s the point?”MIKE WALKER’S GOSSIP GAMEHoward got Mike Walker from The National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play The Gossip Game, in which Mike reads four gossip items – three (allegedly) true, one false – and the crew has to pick the fake. Mike read this weeks stories:
1. To appease his wife, Kevin James orders just one burger instead of two – and then pays the kitchen to make it a big one.

Stephen King thinks “Twilight” is poorly writtenAngie Everhart is not saying who fathered her babyThe woman who had octuplets also has a spokeswomanClara Harris has been denied an appealComcast is blaming the Super Bowl porn-pre-empt incident on their Cox Cable subsidiaryDavid Beckham doesn’t want to return to the LA Galaxy“The Game” author Neil Strauss has a new book outA 3-year-old wandered outside and froze to deathNatalie Cole needs a kidneyBritney and K-Fed have re-entered custody negotiationsBeetlejuice came in with the Rev. Bob Levy today.
Artie made repeated references to this story about Art Shamsky.
Greg Fitzsimmons referenced Elvis Costello’s infamous SNL performance
Greg also recommended “Darkness Visible” by William Styron. K.C. Armstrong called in to confess that he was worried about being indicted over his multi-level marketing program, (”Yesterday I mistakenly called it a pyramid.”) but promised that it could still make everyone rich.
Howard told Ron Howard that his daughter was beautiful
Howard asked Ron what ever happened to Michael Keaton.
Ron and Howard discussed the pro-Obama video Ron made prior to the elections.
The crew wondered why Katherine Heigl was beating Beth in this poll
Howard referenced LeBron James’ great performance last night

Thursday’s Show