Thursday,  January 22, 2009WILL THE FARTER’S BIONIC ASS The Howard Stern Show for January 22, 2009EVEN PORN STARS HAVE MORE TALENTHoward opened this morning laughing at how Amy Fisher’s new porno was proof that REAL porn stars need to have talent: “She’s such a turnoff.” Howard then played a clip of Amy’s odd dirty talk: “It’s always been my fantasy to rub cream all over myself…it feels so cold and silky.” Artie didn’t like it at all: “Everything about it is aggravating. She sounds more like Wood Yi.” Howard then had mock phone sex with the audio clips, telling faux-Amy, “I want to bury you.”
The crew decided that Amy should only get it on with other infamous women, like, according to Artie, “the ones in acid wash jeans…and the Green River Killer, I think he’s still alive.” Howard laughed: “Serial Killer F’s Amy Fisher!” Artie particularly loved the audio of Amy’s solo masturbation scene: “You know how many people have told to go f’ herself? Now she’s actually doing it.”

HOWARD SIDES WITH ROLLING STONE

Howard read Vanessa Grigoriadis’ rebuttal to the comments Artie made yesterday about the Rolling Stone article she wrote about him, which Artie prefaced: “She was actually an alright broad. I didn’t call her an ‘uppity bitch.’” Howard echoed some of Vanessa’s sentiments, telling Artie he’d be glad to hold down the fort while Artie went to rehab for a month. Artie resisted: “Being able to do stand-up is a blessing because I can go on a bender for a week and do a gig and make it all back.”

ARTIE’S REGULAR JOAN RIVERS NAP

Artie complained about how Joan Rivers treated him yesterday, saying she subscribed to the “old-school showbiz thing” where she only acknowledges Howard and Robin. Howard said he understood Artie’s complaint, so Artie continued, explaining that he frequently made the decision to take a back seat: “Where I really bite my tongue is with someone like Paul McCartney…I’m sorry I fell asleep (yesterday)! What can I tell ya?”
SCOTT DEPACE WANTS TO GO BLACK

Artie told the crew that he recently asked HowardTV’s Scott DePace if he’d rather be black or gay: “And it was a pretty long pause…and then he called me over and, real stern, he said, ‘Black,’ and I said, ‘Me too,’ but I gotta know his thought process.” Scott came in to dispute the pause, claiming he answered immediately: “I don’t think it’s that hard…being gay would be horrible.”

Before he left the studio, Howard asked Scott how he was enjoying the Obama presidency so far, and Scott shrugged: “Wake me up when it’s over. I’m fine so far. He hasn’t done anything to piss me off.”

BORN WITHOUT AN ASSHOLE

Will the Farter stopped by with his mom, Priscilla and Howard asked Momma Farter when she first knew Will was special. Priscilla explained how Will discovered his ability when he was 10 years old: “I was worried…I said, ‘I don’t want you ruining anything. What if you hurt yourself?’” Priscilla went on to explain that Will was born without an anus and had to be surgically corrected: “They had to wait until he was three.”

The crew was blown away by Momma Farter’s revelation, so she continued, saying Will had to wear a colostomy bag for the first three years of his life. Howard wondered: “Do you think the operation created his bionic ass?” Momma Farter nodded (”It must have.”) and later denied that Will was “slow.” Howard also asked Momma Farter to describe Will’s Internet fans, and she obliged: “Queers…the gays.”

FART IN YOUR MOM’S FACE

Pricilla explained that she needed $1000 to get her car fixed, so she agreed to endure 30 seconds of her son’s talents in exchange for a cash prize. Howard then asked Pricilla to lie down and had Will squat over her face: “There’s a chance you could have an accident all over your mom’s face.” Will promised to resist: “I’ll try not to.” Pricilla withstood the onslaught for a while (”I’m living!”) but moved several times, forcing them to restart the clock each time: “I tried to do anything but think about the smell.” Afterward, Will apologized: “I’m sorry. Do you still love me?” Pricilla was unsure: “Well…”

DANNY BONADUCE VS. JOSE CANSECOHoward got Danny Bonaduce on the phone and welcomed Jose Canseco to the studio to discuss their upcoming boxing match. The two claimed the bout was for money, not to settle a score. Jose explained: “I used to watch him growing up, but I still have to knock him out.” Danny agreed: “I’m getting in the ring with the giant…I could get killed [but] my money’s still on me…The guy can’t beat me.” After sizing up Jose’s arm length, Howard and Robin speculated that Danny wouldn’t be able to get close enough to Jose to hurt him – but Danny promised a good fight: “I feel pain. It lets me know I’m alive…I don’t care how I get in. I’m going to get in by letting this guy punch me in the face three times…I’m gonna knock you out and then have sex with you.” Jose laughed: “I would have to make a lot of mistakes to have him beat me.”

JOSE’S ROID WORM

Both fighters admitted to recent steroid use – Jose actually said he was getting regular (doctor administered) “testosterone injections” to combat the feminizing effects of quitting steroids cold-turkey. Howard asked Jose about his recent arrest for HGC trafficking, so Jose explained: “It’s basically a female urine that you inject into your body to make your testosterone levels get back to normal…I didn’t know you had to have a prescription for it.” Jose added that years of steroid use had rendered his body totally unable to produce testosterone on its own. Gary wondered if Jose was hated by the entire MLB after using his last book to expose widespread steroid use in the league, so Jose admitted: “I’m not sure all the players, but for sure all the owners…I actually apologized to the players.” Jose added that his book would’ve been no good if he hadn’t named names: “If you keep Barry Bonds out of the Hall of Fame for steroid [use], you have to keep them all out.” Jose then brought in his girlfriend, Heidi, and Howard noted how good she looked. Heidi echoed Jose’s complaints about the side effects of steroids, saying it really affected Jose’s manhood: “It was completely non-existent. He was basically a useless, lifeless body…it was like an anorexic gummy worm.”

PUT SOME CREAM ON THAT

Eric the Midget called in to say he wanted to hear more clips from his “American Idol” commentary show, so Howard explained that he wasn’t playing them because Eric never talks on his show – he just sits there and squawks occasionally. HowardTV brought up Eric’s webcam feed on the in-studio monitors and Howard was blown away: “Take a look at that blotchiness! Maybe [use] a cream or something.” Artie was disgusted: “Did you get bit by an enormous spider?”

MIKE WALKER’S GOSSIP GAME

Howard got Mike Walker from The National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play The Gossip Game, in which Mike reads four gossip items – three (allegedly) true, one false – and the crew has to guess the fake. Mike then read this week’s stories:

The Oscar nominations are outSome kid got a cool prosthetic handEva Mendes is the most desirable woman in the worldFortune has named its 100 best companies to work forBarack Obama has been re-sworn inCaroline Kennedy has dropped out of the NY Senate “race.”A New Jersey mother wants her kids, Adolf Hitler and Aryan Nation, backLast meals sound delicious Yusuf Islam is recording a new album

Howard noted that President Obama did more in his first day in office than Bush did in his 8 years.
Howard and Artie briefly discussed “Harold & Maude.”
Howard and Ralph debated a fictional battle between fictional spaceships.
Howard compared Kristen Bell’s look to Beth O’s.
Artie wondered how Philip Seymour Hoffman’s role in “Doubt”
wasn’t considered a lead.
Howard dedicated today’s show to Benicio Del Toro

Thursday’s Show