Tuesday,  December 9, 2008THE KILLER COMBO: HOT AND FUNNY The Howard Stern Show for December 9, 2008ARE ARTIE’S LIES GOOD FOR THE SHOW?Artie opened the show speculating that his “lie-and-then-confess-later method” of dealing with the truth actually benefits the show. Howard thought the argument was hilarious, but Robin insisted that Artie’s lies had flagged a deeper issue. Howard then played a clip of Brad Garrett during his last visit correctly guessing that Artie had stopped going to therapy and Artie lying in response: “I go Tuesdays and Thursdays…I will be there tomorrow.”

Artie speculated that Gary’s comments on the issue (on yesterday’s Wrap-Up Show) were indicative of an underlying resentment. Gary came in to laugh that, not only was the theory not true, but he thought the opposite was more likely the case – Artie resented him. Gary added that he felt betrayed by Artie’s dishonesty, but Artie argued that it was like he had slept with Gary’s wife: “I’m too honest. That’s the problem. You people shouldn’t even know that I’m in therapy [in the first place].”
Artie did admit that he has lied in the past: “I’ve had girls that I told I’ve never been with whores.” Gary said he thought Artie started to resent him after seeing one of his paychecks, but Artie laughed that off: “I can’t even believe that’s what you said. That’s not even on my mind.” Gary ignored Artie’s protests, saying he still thought the incident was an issue: “You thought it was too much.” Howard laughed: “I think it’s too much.”

Lisa G came in to say that Artie tried to show her Gary’s paycheck at his birthday party, but Artie claimed he was just joking. Howard asked Lisa if she was still upset with Artie, and Lisa said she went through her file of Artie quotes yesterday: “We’re not gonna have a good ending…I don’t feel good about this.” Artie told Lisa, “That’s crazy. You’re a nutto…I’m gonna bang you, but I’m worried. ‘Cause you’re crazy.” Jason came in to confirm Lisa’s story: “You had the check out and you were showing it around the party.” Artie said, “I don’t deny that I told people about getting the check [by mistake]. I had a couple drinks. But I didn’t even have it with me at the party, I was joking.”

TECH PROBLEMS PLAGUE THE COOKIE PARTY

Howard played a few clips from Lisa G’s Cookie Party, many of which included technical difficulties, Lisa Lampanelli saying the n-word, or Jason sounding gay. Artie thought Jason sounded especially queer, and Howard agreed, playing a choice clip that combined over-modulated audio and Jason’s effeminate introduction to the show. Artie was upset about how much Lisa L. was getting away with in the clips, so he started doing an impression of Lisa’s epithet-strewn schtick.

ARONOFSKY’S REVENGE

Artie noted that he auditioned for a part of the sleazy wrestling promoter in Darren Aronofsky’s “The Wrestler” back when Nicholas Cage (and not Mickey Rourke) was set to star in the project. After a few callback auditions, all of which he felt he had killed in, Artie’s agent called him and said he almost got the part, but Darren went with a different actor.
A few months later, someone reminded Artie that he’d met Darren years before at a party and had berated him mercilessly , calling him a “film school fag.” Everyone speculated that the tortuous audition process could’ve been Darren’s sick way of getting back at Artie for the incident, but Artie doubted it: “I don’t believe it. I don’t believe that happened. I don’t believe that I slapped him around.”

ESTHER KU IS HOT, FUNNY

Howard welcomed Esther Ku, the first contestant in the Hottest/Funniest Chick contest, and asked her about growing up in a conservative household. Esther told the crew her missionary parents would only allow their children to watch “The Ten Commandments” and “The Sound of Music” and now consider her a hell-bound sinner.

Howard wondered if Esther’s fellow comedians hit on her much, but she said she just ignores them – preferring masturbation instead. Esther then did a minute of her stand-up routine and kept the crew laughing the entire time.
WHITNEY CUMMINGS HAS A GREAT NAME, ACT

The second contestant, Whitney Cummings, told the crew she worked as a writer for the Comedy Central Roasts. Howard thought Whitney had an incredible body, which Whitney attributed to running and crunches.

Whitney also laughed that she once worked with Artie on an HBO special – they even shared a green room – but he ignored her the whole time. Artie said he regretted this decision.

Whitney noted that she wrote for the Bob Saget roast, and when Artie canceled, the producers frantically searched for a back-up fat guy to take his place as the butt of all the fat jokes everyone had written. Will then came in to say, “Howard, real quick – you gotta see her butt. Not to be disrespectful, but…” Whitney turned around and Howard was appreciative: “Wow.” Whitney then did a minute of stand-up about guys in L.A.

APRIL MACIE’S BRINGS THE BIG CANS

April Macie, the final contestant, came in with “my big cans, my Eastern European flapwagons” hanging out. April said she’d banged quite a few comedians, including Mitch Fatel – one of the show’s former interns.

Howard asked if she’d ever been married, so April laughed that she’d been engaged but had to cut it off after she discovered that her fiancé was renting their home out for porn shoots while she was out working. April then did a minute of stand-up about her years as a high school whore.

HERE SHE IS…THE HOTTEST FUNNY CHICK

Artie said, “Esther might be the hottest, but she’s the least funny…Gun to my head? I think the winner is Whitney.” Gary voted for April, but not before echoing Artie’s claim that Esther was the hottest. Fred also said Esther was the hottest but voted for April. Robin registered a third vote for April.

Benjy voted for April and Howard agreed, though his vote didn’t matter at that point and Artie wished he could have gone last so he could have voted for Esther (since it wouldn’t affect the outcome) in an attempt to get a date with her. April thanked the crew and collected her prize.

Howard asked to talk with Tim the Intern, the winner of the Secret Santa Lottery (Howard picked his name): “What’s your dream Christmas gift?” Tim said “this” – being on the show. Gary asked him what his favorite band was, so Tim cited Slayer and Pantera. Howard joked, “Would you like me to buy those guys and have ‘em play for you? Would you like to be in Pantera? I could hire Dee Snider to live with you…you like horror? I could give you the ultimate horror experience. You could go live with High Pitch Erik.”

Gay activists want you to take a “queer” day on Wednesday. A man was saved from a house fire by his dog
A Chinese woman kissed her boyfriend and ended up half-deafSome guy pulled a gun on a Florida Gators fanRev. Wright called Elisabeth Hasselbeck a “dizzy broad.”A 13-year-old boy might have to register as a sex offender for grabbing girls’ asses.
An Ohio coroner’s assistant tried to use a dead man’s credit card at a strip clubThe Supreme Court has refused to hear a case questioning Obama’s citizenship. It’s time for your Haj!The September 11th conspirators might plead guiltyA fighter jet crashed into a San Diego neighborhood.

Shuli admitted that he’s put on 20lbs since he started working for the show.
Artie told Jason to remind him to put The Beatles’ “I Am the Walrus” on his iPod.
The crew discussed the sexy Lisa G caricature.
Howard referenced the story of Nelson J. Marchioli
Artie told a story about Norm MacDonald breaking up with Elle Macpherson because she’d constantly say things like “Don’t go there!” and “Talk to the hand!”
Howard said he and Beth were watching Heather Locklear’s “Flirting with 40.”Whitney Cummings told a story about working as a co-star/writer on “Punk’d” and the one stunt that almost got her beat up by The Rock.

Tuesday’s Show