Date posted: January 29, 2009

Tuesday,  January 27, 2009FROM MISS USA TO VIVID The Howard Stern Show for January 27, 2009HENRY HILL: CON AND ARTISTHoward started the show playing a message Henry Hill left the other night in which Henry explains why he hadn’t called in a while: “I’ve been in jail.” Howard thought Henry’s cavalier attitude was startling: “He says ‘I’ve been in jail’ like I say I’ve been at my house.” Robin asked if Howard owned any of Henry’s paintings, and Howard laughed: “If I’ve got one, I think my staff knows to keep it away from me.”

FRED IN BED

Pittsburgh Pete called to ask Fred how his sex life was going, so Fred confessed that he and his wife weren’t exactly rabbits: “Everyone’s tired all the time. If we get once a week, we’re happy.” Fred admitted that he takes care of himself on occasion (”A little. But not to excess…I go on the computer.”) Fred explained that he only did it when he was home alone and cited YouPorn as his porn site of choice, but claimed he was otherwise indiscriminate: “I think Hispanic chicks are hot and black chicks are hot…the stuff I can’t get into is the stuff Sal’s into…pissing and shitting is too much.”

LISA G ON SKIDMARKS

Given Lisa G’s recent revelation that she takes a dump most mornings between 7-8am, a caller asked if she ever looked at her “output” in the bowl after she goes, so Lisa came in to reveal that she did: “I’m sure I do [it] just to make sure I’m healthy. It’s a good idea to check now and then.” Howard also wondered if Lisa used baby wipes to clean up afterward, but Lisa denied it: “I use the really cheap kind, but after I spoke to the doctor, I think I should get some baby wipes.” Artie agreed, joking that the cheap clean-up probably left skidmarks in her underwear.DARNELL STAPLETON HAS SELF CONTROLHoward got the Pittsburgh Steelers’ right guard, Darnell Stapleton on the line to discuss this Sunday’s Super Bowl and asked him if he was reaping the groupie-studded benefits of NFL success. Darnell denied it, saying he’s dated the same woman since high school, but “we went out last night, you know, to a couple bars.” Howard wondered if Darnell had to turn down a lot of girls, and Darnell admitted he did: “Oh yeah. You can’t have ‘em in your hotel room anyway.”

Howard and Artie speculated that oral probably didn’t count as cheating for an NFL player, and Darnell laughed an agreement. Howard asked Darnell how he felt about the Steelers’ chances in the Super Bowl, so Darnell noted that they were 6.5 point favorites: “But all that matters is one [point].” Howard then said he never participated in sports activities because of the group showers: “Maybe I’m gay, but I don’t want anyone seeing me looking all small.” Artie also noted that he and Darnell went to the same high school in Union, NJ, but when Artie said he graduated in 1985, Darnell replied that was the year he was born.

JD HAS A GIRLFRIEND?

Howard learned that JD was dating someone, so JD came in to explain: “It’s something very new.” Howard asked if JD hung out with the girl at his apartment (”Yeah.”) and banged her: “Kinda…it only happened once.” JD added that he didn’t want to discuss it: “I’m just afraid of talking about any of it.” Howard wondered how he met the girl, so JD laughed: “The Internet is a wonderful thing.”
The crew then asked JD how he first got it on with the girl…and after a series of questions to break through the “uh”s and “I don’t know”s, they were finally able to piece together that the couple spent their first date in JD’s apartment watching a movie. JD bedded her soon after and lasted “a little while.” Howard wondered if the girl stayed the night, but JD said no, explaining they just watched some Seinfeld (”We talked a little bit…I don’t know!”) and then left. Robin laughed: “Maybe you’ll be able to keep your tax return this year.” [JD spent last year’s tax refund at Ricks.]MISS USA DOES PORN?Former Miss USA Kelli McCarty stopped by to promote her new porn career, saying she’d come a long way since winning the Miss USA crown in 1991. In between, she was on “Beverly Hills: 90210,” “Melrose Place,” “Passions” and few Disney shows. Her career never really took off though, so now she’s doing porn for Vivid – her first film, “Faithless,” comes out next month.
Howard asked Kelli about a particularly rough scene in her movie, and Kelli explained: “It’s not really a rape scene…well, sort of.” Steve the (former) Intern came in to say he was upset that Kelli was betraying her Miss USA title: “Doesn’t Miss USA mean anything?” Artie shouted his reply: “No!” Steve thought Kelli could hurt the little girls that look up to her: “You should lead by example.” Howard disagreed: “It’s not like she’s the Queen of England…it’s just a thing put together by television executives.”

SHE DID TURN DOWN SEINFELD THOUGH

Howard asked what Kelli did as Miss USA, and she said it was a lot of charity work – and fielding calls from celebrity paramours, like Jerry Seinfeld: “I hadn’t even seen his show…he was like, ‘Hey, I wanna talk to her,’ so they set it up. I didn’t even know who he was at the time. He was like, ‘Hey, wanna hang out,’ and we did a couple times…he was just kinda boring.” Kelli said Jerry even tried to get her to let him come up to her apartment, but she turned him down.

Howard wondered if any other celebrities ever asked her out, and Kelli cited Pauly Shore as particularly aggressive: “Me and everybody else…he started calling my parents house.” Kelli said she also hooked up with David Spade after meeting him at a salon: “He was coming in to get a facial as I was leaving.” Howard asked if David had a big penis, and Kelli was shocked that Howard was in the dark: “Everybody knows.”

Madonna and A-Rod are dating again?
When you date a Cowboy, you may end up looking like a cow
An 11-year-old Texas girl may have run away with a 23-year-old man.
Some Russian tried to have sex with a raccoon – until it bit his penis off. Playboy has cancelled its Super Bowl partyObama is paying attention to the Middle East.
Everyone is born with musical timingArtie commended Derek Jeter for dating Minka Kelli.
Steve Langford admitted to crying over the death of Kenneth Keith Kallenbach
Howard played a clip of Greg Fitzsimmons crying on his Howard101 show last night.
JD said he watched “Coronación” before getting laid.
Howard played a clip of Gary interviewing porn star Penny Flame, Kimberly Kane, and Eva Evangelina at the AVN Awards.
Howard noted that Darnell Stapleton was a Rutgers grad.
The crew listened to the Kings of Leon’s “Sex on Fire.”
Gary said his wife’s true love was Matt Damon.
Gary mentioned Sports Illustrated’s dwindling ad pages.
The angriest clown in the world (his wife left him and his house burned down) called to tell Howard to throw the Sybian at Kelli if she wouldn’t ride it.
Tuesday’s Show