BACK AND BLACK The Howard Stern Show for October 20, 2009

Howard kicked off the show noting that Artie was back in the studio, proving Fred – who'd speculated that Artie might only return as a guest – wrong. Fred welcomed Artie back: "I'm happy for Artie. I hope he's doing well." Artie confessed: "Listen, I had what you might call a mini-nervous breakdown...I was in therapy doing well and I had a pattern of repeating mistakes in my life and that's something my father had."

Artie said his therapist thought he was subconsciously trying to live a life of mistakes, as it was the model of masculinity he'd learned from his father. Artie said his breakdown began after doing a charity gig in Detroit and being hit with "anxiety, depression, all that shit...I just turned 42 and I didn't realize how tough that was going to be."

Artie added that the charity gig for a paralyzed guy in a wheel chair compounded his anxiety about aging: "I hadn't really been next to [a paraplegic] since my old man and it affected me." Artie said didn’t go to therapy when he returned home: "I made myself physically ill. I was dry-heaving. I was sweating." His girlfriend cared for him while he convalesced: "I love my girlfriend. I'm in love."

Artie said he'd canceled most of his gigs after the end of the year: "2010 I will not be on the road...this schedule and the road is bad. And this is more important – of course." He might even do a detox diet: "Stacy wants me to do the Robin thing...I just like cheeseburgers so much. I don't know if I can be a part of it." Artie claimed he was glad he didn't turn back to heroin: "I was close to going to the bad shit because I just wanted anything to feel better...you start to question everything in your life."

Eric the Midget called in to ask if his upcoming stand-up debut (opening for Artie on December 12th) was still on. Artie wanted to move the gig: "If I flew you into a local gig here in Jersey is that something you would do?" Eric said sure – but Gary had an amendment: "If he's flying he's gotta come in here too." Artie asked: "Could I get corporate to split the plane ticket with me?" Gary nodded: "Absolutely."

Tracy Morgan stopped by to promote his new book, “I'm the New Black,” and everyone laughed at his huge diamond rings and long black trenchcoat outfit. Tracy shrugged: "When you're driving around in a Lamborghini, you can do whatever you want. Because I'm eccentric now! I'm driving around with slippers on!"

Howard asked about a recording that leaked from Tracy's audiobook of him talking about how Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan mostly ignored him when they were on SNL together, but Tracy dismissed it: "You wanna see me and Cheri have a fight...you wanna see a titty pop out or something." Tracy instead told the crew about his days as a crack dealer, including the time he let a crackhead pay for her rocks with sex: "She had a banging f ‘ing body...I said, 'Put this bag on.'"

Tracy told the crew he had a rough childhood in Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood of Brooklyn, referencing a time he shit in a pubic pool: "Because they stole my sneakers...big brown shark comin’." Tracy laughed that water helps him move his bowels to this day: "I guess it relaxes my muscles. My neighbor had a slip-n-slide [and I] shut that down."

Tracy felt remorse for some the stories he'd written about his dad: "I don't think my father thought I was going to write a book and put it in there." Tracy said he last spoke to his mother "about 8 years ago...I know what I get from my mother. My stubbornness...I don't think it was one incident...I'm still figuring out me and my mother's relationship now." Howard asked if Tracy worried that they wouldn't reconcile before her death, and Tracy shrugged: "I think everyone in the room worries about that shit."

Howard showed Medicated Pete pictures a few of the women who'd written the show saying they'd date him. Pete was shocked by how attractive some of the women were: "I think that's pretty awesome." Howard held up one he thought was a good candidate: "This chick went to jail for Grand Larceny. What do you think?" Pete shrugged: "She's alright...acceptable." Howard laughed that Pete was pretty picky for a guy who'd only been laid once – by a prostitute – and showed Pete yet another picture. Pete rubbed his hands together: "I'm pretty impressed."

While Pete was in-studio, Howard asked if he was well enough to show off his karaoke skills. Pete grabbed a mic and belted out a hilarious version of “Purple Rain” as Howard laughed: "He's turning purple! Sing it!" To be fair, Howard tried to prove he was better, but Fred determined that Howard had lost: "I think you had some timing issues. Your vocal was actually pretty good but your timing was off. That threw you."

A caller claimed his best friend had given him an odd birthday present: the privilege of a blowjob from the friend's wife. Howard wanted more information before he made a recommendation: "Does he wanna watch?" The caller thought his buddy might, so Howard said: "If she's really hot, I'd do it." Artie thought the second the wife's blowjob was over, the friend might want to give his buddy one himself.