TWEETING AND TWATTING The Howard Stern Show for April 9, 2009

ARTIE SLEPT WELL

Artie started off the show saying he finally got a good night’s sleep last night and felt pretty great: “I feel like – does anybody need an addition on their house? I told Howard, ‘I’m either going to be really funny or really annoying.’” Robin thought this wouldn’t end well: “Artie says things that are just crazy…he claims to have hired a guy to watch him, he’s going to a psychiatrist, the training. He’s going overboard.” Artie replied he was just playing catch-up: “You don’t pay attention to a car for a long time, there’s a lot of shit you gotta check out.”

SAVED BY THE MACHINE

Howard said he called Stuttering John yesterday to personally deny the reports in Wednesday’s Page Six and left him a message. He told him he hoped Jay would bring him to his new show – or at least tell him whether he was or not.

BILLY BOB WON’T DISCUSS ACTING

Howard played some clips from an awkward interview in which Billy Bob Thornton refused to discuss his acting career, as he was focusing on his music. Artie laughed that Billy Bob’s craziness knew no bounds: “He has this insane fear of antique furniture and midgets…at first you think he’s kidding.” In the next clip, Billy Bob snapped after the interviewer referred to his music as a hobby: “Would you say that to Tom Petty? You wouldn’t say, ‘Is music your first love?’ My first love was a girl named Lisa Cohen.”

HOWARD CRIES IN SESSION

Howard said his shrink got him to cry again the other day: “He got me.” Howard laughed that his sadness turned to anger, as the shrink then accused him of not feeling anything: “I go, ‘What the f’ is wrong with you? I’m sitting here crying.’”

MARY MCCORMACK MASTURBATES ALL THE TIME

Howard’s “Private Parts” wife, Mary McCormack, called in to promote the second season of “In Plain Sight” and told the crew that the show’s shooting schedule was interfering with her family life – she and the kids are in New Mexico seven months out of the year during shooting, and her husband, who works in LA, only sees them on the weekends or via the Internet: “The little one points at my computer and says, ‘Daddy! Daddy!’”

Howard asked if Mary still had her hot nanny, and Mary confirmed it: “Yeah, I do…you’re terrible.” Howard wondered how Mary found time to masturbate, so she explained that she just had to go for it at a moment’s notice: “Without passing go. I just masturbate all the time.” Ronnie then came in to tell Mary that her character’s hot sister shouldn’t be dressed down anymore: “Tell ‘em to bring back the hot outfits.”

ERIC THE MIDGET

Eric the Midget called in to ask if Howard caught Amber Tamblyn’s new show, “The Unusuals,” but Howard was indifferent: “I don’t know. Is she thin now or she fat still?” Howard also asked how many hours of TV Eric watched a day: “It’s gotta be like 8.” Eric admitted he was right: “Probably…” Artie got bored fast: “Goodbye, Eric!”

THE GOSSIP GAME

Howard got Mike Walker from The National Enquirer on the line, as he does every Thursday, to play The Gossip Game, in which Mike reads four gossip items – three (allegedly) true, one false – and the crew has to guess the fake. After a quick hello,

1. Doris Roberts tried to cut line at Costco.

2. Donald Trump charged 15 schoolkids a dollar each to shout his “You’re Fired!” catchphrase at their teacher – and then used the money to buy them all hotdogs.

3. Courtney Cox tipped a valet a single dollar.

4. Leonard DiCaprio has made preparations to be buried in a coral reef.

Howard, Robin and Artie all thought the Courtney Cox item was suspicious, and Fred went with the Donald Trump item, speculating that the Donald was too germaphobic to handle cash. Mike then announced that no one had won – the Leo item was fake.

Somali pirates grabbed the wrong boat.

Brown University won’t celebrate Columbus Day anymore.