War stories – The Howard Stern ShowMonday,  July 14, 2008WAR STORIES The Howard Stern Show for July 14, 2008ARTIE’S IMPROMPTU PARTY

Artie started off the show noting that he threw an impromptu party at his beach house over the break, and other than Howard, almost everyone showed up. Robin laughed that Artie missed most of the party by taking a 2-hour-long shower, so Artie explained that he was hanging with his new ?friend? Jessica and ?having some fun in there.? Artie wasn’t the only one who had a good time ? Ralph took the opportunity to turn the invite into a 3-day stay.

Artie said he and Jessica hooked up in his bedroom during the party and he even managed some ?pretty-good-for-a-fat-guy maneuvers,? but he was bothered by the noises coming from the party downstairs ? particularly Robin’s laugh, as it made him paranoid that she was laughing at him. Robin remarked that she wasn’t laughing at Artie, though she was upset by the lack of vegetarian meal options. BOOEY GOES TO WAR

Gary and Artie told the crew about their trip to Afghanistan over the break, starting with Artie’s sleeping habits: after the long flight, Artie fell asleep for two days. Gary said they had a pretty good time when Artie

finally woke up ? the comedians quickly tossed aside the USO decency restrictions and gave it their all. Jim Florentine tested the waters with some blue material, and once the others saw it kill, they went balls-out, ending with Dave Attell’s (no-masturbation-rule-breaking) joke about ?making love to a sock filled with shampoo.?

At their next location, bomb-alarms started up and the crew was ushered into bunkers. Artie noted the one of their escorts promised him that there was nothing to worry about…even if they were hit by a bomb, they would be instantly vaporized, so they would never feel a thing. Artie said he was glad that a painful death wasn’t in the cards. Howard said he was proud of the guys and what they did, but he didn’t want the show to turn into ?10 hours of war stories.?ARTIE FALLS OF THE WAGON AT BUBBAPALOOZA

Howard asked Artie how his performance at ?Bubbapalooza? went, so Artie recounted the lovefest that closed out the show. Artie added that it was a good time, but the funniest part was actually how the XXXL Mike Schmidt jersey that Bubba was wearing could’ve fit three Mike Schmidts. Artie also described his second favorite part: Bubba brought out an underwear-clad employee and beat him with a wiffleball bat.

Artie said he hadn’t realized it until just now, but he fell off the wagon at Bubbapalooza after a fan gave him a drink before his set. Howard was surprised that Artie could stay dry through the trip to Afghanistan and his own party only to give it all up in ? of all places – Atlantic City. Artie replied that the crowd had cheered him on, and he wasn’t behaving all that well to begin with: ?I [also] took a couple of puffs out of something they had there.?RALPH GETS BOOED

Howard said he heard that when Bubba tried to get Ralph to come onstage, the boos were deafening ? so much so that Ralph refused to come out from the wings. Ralph called in to confirmed the story: ?Bubba’s rap was ‘lets bring out Ralph so we can get all the boos out of the way.’? Later, Artie came to Ralph’s defense, noting that he hung out with Ralph over the break one-on-one and finally understood why Howard keeps him around. ERIC THE MIDGET DEFENDS GARY

Eric the Midget called in to defend Gary against a soldier who has claimed that Gary was rude to him in Afghanistan. Gary came in to explain that after the mortar attack, he called his family to tell them he was ok, and the guy approached him in the middle of talking to his wife. Gary added that put the call and hold and signed everything the guy wanted, but for some reason, the guy thought Gary had been short with him and posted a message about on SFN.

Eric then told the crew that ?more people than I could count? showed up to his ?meet and greet? at a WNBA basketball game in Sacramento. When pressed further, he eventually admitted that the number was around 50. Howard wondered if anyone bought tickets just to see Eric, but Eric couldn’t be sure, as the price for admission to the ?meet and greet? included a ticket to the game. Later, Steve Langford reported that Eric didn’t even show up at the ?meet and greet? until the last possible moment.DID AFGHANISTAN CHANGE ARTIE?

Artie told a story about firing a machine gun while in Afghanistan, laughing that he loved it so much, he lost count of how many rounds he shot: ?I didn’t want to stop.? Artie added that one of the Marines was a really funny black guy who messed with him the whole time: ?I asked him where the bathroom was, and he told me, ‘You’re standing on it.’? A caller asked if the trip inspired Artie to take better care of himself, but Artie said it had touched him in a different way: ?It gave me so much more faith in humanity…I just love this country way more [now].?PREPARE FOR ?WACK PACK BOWLING?

Jeff the Drunk called in to talk about HowardTV’s ?Wack Pack Bowling,? which filmed over the weekend. Jeff simply said, ?It was crazy, Howard.? Howard looked over the list of contestants and agreed that it must have been insane: Beet, AA, Nicole Bass, Maryann from Brooklyn, Joey Boots, Croix, Yucko and Siobhan. Howard laughed that Doug Goodstein told him the whole bowling alley smelled like piss and shit.

Howard noted that the latest allegations to emerge from the Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook divorce were Peter’s propensity for masturbating in full view of his Webcam. Gary came in to report a tip from Lisa G: JD used to be ?on? the Website that Peter Cook used to broadcast his private moments. JD came in to explain it was like a personals/online dating site, but for strictly sexual relationships, adding that he only had a profile on the site ?a long time ago? – before Webcams were integrated into the service (so no, he never saw Cook beat it).